Tuesday, December 09, 2008

GTG Classic: Open Letter to Larry Craig

Remember Senator Larry Craig's Minneapolis airport sex sting last summer? No? Well, his attempt to withdraw his guilty plea was denied today, so in honor of his ongoing battle against the mistinterpretation of his "wide stance," I'm reprinting last summer's "Open Letter to Larry Craig." Enjoy!

Dear Senator Craig,

Call me a sucker, but I just have a thing for men embroiled in sex scandals. R. Kelly, Senator Vitter, President Clinton...the depths of my sympathy for me who love to fuck are limitless. It's obvious that you were entrapped by that douchebag cop who was totally playing a Daddy game with you during that interrogation. I'll bet there are guys on Craigslist seeking just such a sexual encounter. I imagine it would their ads would something like this:*

I'm a regular gay guy and, what can I say? I have a fantasy of being entrapped
by a cop in an airport bathroom for "violating privacy."
Here's what I
want--a cop (or someone with access to pretty real-looking cop regalia) to meet
me in a bathroom and then bust me for trying to solicit sex. You'll demean me
during interrogation and belittle me for disappointing the people who vote for
me, and make sure to give a laundry list of the signals that gay men have used
for centuries to solicit sex without involving unsuspecting straight people in
the process.
Obviously, after you bust me we'll have to actually have
sex--that's part of the fantasy. But I won't tell your cop superiors if you
don't tell my constituents.
Email me soon! I keep my BlackBerry at close hand and travel through Minneapolis all the time. Let's make it happen!

I wish you hadn't resigned; not only is it perfectly fine to troll for guys in airport bathrooms, the Republican party needs to be taken to task for its patently bullshit condemnation of you and forgiveness of Vitter.

Whatever happens to you, I hope that you can keep having sex with guys in airports--surely it's hot--and that your wife will wipe off some of that eyeliner. She's no Tammy Faye.


Go-To Girl

*Yes, readers, I posted this ad on Craigslist.

No comments: