So imagine my delight the other night at seeing a commercial during CSI: Miami for the Newest! Most! Amazing! Mascara! Innovation! EVER!!!, the Maybelline Pulse Perfection Vibrating Mascara. 7,000 vibrations a minute! 7 different sensuous vibrating patterns to make putting on mascara the most...orgasmic experience of your morning?
Even more hilarious is the list of features they promise this mascara will provide your eyes:
1. Luscious Thickness
2. Luxurious Length
3. Smooth Separation
4. Intense Color
5. Shapely Curve
6. Healthy Luster
7. Zero Clumps
Okay. They're clearly really into using the number 7, but look at that list: it's not hard to imagine those phrases describing, I don't know, a man's particulars. Even better are the verbal instructions in the video:
"Keep the button pressed for constant vibrations...Continuing to hold the on button, place the brush at the base ... and move it toward the tips...doing what no hand can do alone." (emphasis mine)
I know that we're in a moment right now of health and beauty products that apparently are made more awesome by unnecessary vibration.* Even dude products are doing it. I am pretty old-fashioned when it comes to making products have weird features of other, unrelated products so I can't vouch for whether these razors make shaving that much more amazing or if this mascara really does make your lashes look like a drag queen's.
My chief concern is whether those who are unable to purchase real sex toys because of their age will be able to get off with these things without alerting their parents to the fact that they have secured a vibrator.
*it was totally me