Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Solution to a Non-Problem:
The Sensis Condom

For the record, putting on condoms is easy. It's about as easy as putting on a seatbelt. And just like putting on a seatbelt, somebody (usually your mom) shows you how to do it once and you don't fucking forget. And no matter what kind of car you're driving, virtually every seatbelt works exactly the same way--you put the damn metal thing into the clicker and voila! You probably won't die in a car accident.

So when I first heard about the new Sensis condom (well, I heard about it when it was in development and said "Surely no one will ever bring this product to market because it is STUPID") was when a reporter for the Daily Texan called me up to ask my opinion on it.

I teach people how to use condoms every day. My program distributes upwards of 60,000 condoms each year, every single one of them wrapped in a lil envelope with instructions on how to use a condom. I'm certain no one ever reads the instructions, because USING A CONDOM IS EASY:

Step 1: Put on condom

Step 2: Have sex

Step 3: Repeat as necessary

The Sensis condom has two pieces of what feels like unsticky tape rolled up with the condom and, in theory, you're supposed to pull them instead of rolling the condom all the way down your [partner's] hard cock like a normal person. I have never--truly not once--encountered someone who didn't know or couldn't figure out that a condom is rolled up because YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO UNROLL IT.

The one thing Sensis has going for it is the cool sex line drawing screen saver you can download from their website. But does anyone even use screensavers anymore?

For what it's worth, Dr. Laura Berman is being paid to say they're good.


Goose said...

Hilarity indeed!

Anonymous said...

Well, a lot of people do have trouble putting on a condom. A lot of people have trouble following directions. Other people make mistakes in haste. Or working with slippery fingers. Some people are well-endowed, other under- -- more problems. However fun it is to sneer, none of these is a good reason to become a parent.

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