"You've Got to be Fucking Kidding Me"--Wednesday Edition

Keep it to yourself, vegan.

Via "Human Nature" on slate.com: apparently there are people in New Zealand who describe themselves as "vegansexuals." As if being vegan weren't intolerable enough (hello? God made meat delicious so we would want to eat it) now they have the gall to think that they're turning us carnivores down for sex.

The joke's on you, vegans--I think it's we meateaters who are proudly declining to have sex with you, and not the other way around. That deafening silence in your ear while you have your grass salad and juice? The sound of meat eaters not hitting on you, not asking you out, and not breathing heavily whilst fucking you. Good luck perpetuating your species.

Love,
Go-To Girl, former vegan-dater

Q: I don't want to sound conceited or anything, but I really think Magnums are more comfortable. A: Riiight.

Dear Go-To Girl,

I don't want to sound like a douchebag, but I really think that the Magnum condoms are more comfortable. I never thought that I was that big, but hey, can't argue with an unbiased product, right?

Hope to see you soon,
Apparently Magnum Size, PhD

Dear Dr. AMS,

Wow! Congratulations on your discovery. You'd be amazed how often guys tell me this. I'm sure the guys around the sandbox will be pumped to hear about how you "have" to use Magnums. Maybe you should have a contest to see who can pee the farthest.

But seriously. Not to burst your bubble, but there's some bad news here. The base of a Magnum condom--the part that most guys complain is too tight on regular condoms--is exactly the same size as a regular Trojan condom*. I can't tell you why I know this, but I guarantee that it's true. So just because you find the Magnums more comfortable doesn't mean that you're bigger than average.


Straight cylinder Ultra Thin

The difference between the Magnum and, say, the UltraThin is that the condom is shaped like a baseball bat, so it's wider at the top whereas a traditional condom is the same circumference at the bottom and the top. I think that the reason it feels less tight at the base is because loosening up a condom at one end probably allows more blood flow in the penis overall and makes you feel less...suffocated in there.


Baseball-bat shaped Magnum

Some 90% of people's interpretation of and satisfaction with penis size is psychological, so if buying Magnums makes sex feel better for you and provides you with some advantage with the ladies (or dudes, as the case may be) then go forth and fuck appropriately. But you're not the only guy trying to play the Magnum card, pal. Sorry.

Love Always,
Go-To Girl (Aka Mrs. Magnum)

* The Magnum XL is actually slightly bigger at the base.

What I'm Listening To

Summer is a time of sensuality and sitting on the beach in a bikini reading Thug-a-licious just wouldn't be as hot if I didn't have a bunch of sweet-ass music to listen to.



First up: "Double Up" by R. Kelly.
To all the haters who constantly remind me that R. Kelly may or may not be on trial for peeing on a 13 year old girl (or something): this man doesn't give a fuck what you think about his sexual exploits. And neither do I. R. Kelly has not shied away from his sexual side just because he may or may not have committed statutory rape by way of golden showers.

"Double Up" opens with the defiant "The Champ" that has a clear "Fuck Y'all" message and goes right into the title track that features, appropriately, Snoop Dogg. The message of "Double Up" is that ladies at the club shouldn't worry about going home with Kels or Dogg just because their friend is with them; she can be easily accomodated, too. Kels has room for a "freak in the front and a freak in the back." Threesomes, people.

For the most part Kels' lyrical style is hyper-literalism, along the lines of "Leave Your Name" and "Flirt." R. Kelly wants to fuck you (or your chick) and he will stop at nothing to achieve his goal. He will flirt with your girl, give her his number, fuck her like you can't, eat that pussy like you won't, and generally show her a better time than anyone on the planet. And, he reminds you, he can do this because he is "The King of R and B," an real playa, a balla, makin' the real paper, and so on.

But Kels is not a one trick lyrical pony: he uses metaphor beautifully in tracks like "The Zoo" and "Sex Planet" that feature lines like:

"I've got you so wet/it's like a rainforest/like Jurassic Park except that/I'm your sexasaurus" (insert monkey sounds here [seriously])--"The Zoo"

"I'm about tickle and touch your soul/Once I enter into your black hole...Girl I promise this will be painless, painless/We'll take a trip to planet Uranus" --"Sex Planet"

The entire album isn't about fucking, at least not directly: it's also about being famous (and all the girls Kels is fucking as a result), having a baby (presumably due to fucking), the Virginia Tech massacre (and how R. wants to fuck their pain away), dating the same girl as a close friend (who, I think, both Kels and Usher are fucking), getting a quality girl to hook Kels up with a quality friend (so he can fuck her), being on a girl's ringtone (because he's fucked her), reggae music (because they love fucking him in Jamaica), trying to get a phone number (so he can fuck her), looking for a "main chick" or a "potential wife" (to fuck, also), getting freaky in the club, and so on.

As a cautionary note, should anyone be confused about the potential uses of this album, "Double Up" should absolutely not be used as music to fuck by. Having sex and listening to R. Kelly at the same time is the carnal equivalent of "crossing the streams" and I think it's really possible that one might die from doing so.

Buy this album. Immediately.

Love,
G-Pain (aka Go-To Girl)

PS-I'm also listening to "Infinity on High" by Fall Out Boy. A lot. And "Thunder, Lightning, Strike" by The Go! Team.

Summer Reading Spectacular

So I was at the beach this weekend and I had with me a couple of books that I feel obligated, as both a sex expert and a literary gal, to tell you about lest you find yourself on the beach and in need of reading material.



Thug-a-licious, by Noire.
I have seen lots of people (ladies, mostly) reading this on the subway and being admittedly totally unaware of the black erotic fiction genre, I was super excited when I found it in the fiction section of the library. So I picked it up. It's about a guy who is an amazing basketball player and rapper and has like 9 kids and a steady girlfriend and is running around Harlem fucking girls and settling scores.

That's about the size of it. The sex scenes are way more graphic than what I would've expected to find in the public library. I give this book an 8 for entertainment and a 10 for being a fantastic conversation starter, especially when you're with people you've never met before.




The Book of the Courtesans, by Susan Griffin.
Obviously, I mostly only read books about sex. This book is a historical account of courtesans in Europe and makes it seem like a pretty badass lifestyle. Having sex, collecting jewelry, not having to be married, exerting undue influence on important political leaders--sounds right up my alley.



1984, by George Orwell.
I managed, somehow, never to have read this in high school or college. So I'm giving it a shot as my "serious" summer reading book. I haven't started it yet, but I'm looking forward to realizing how many literary jokes I've missed out on over the years as a result of not having read 1984.

Girls Gone Wild!!! Q: Why don't American girls put out? A: Because you're an asshole.

All the way from The Continent:

Dear Go-To Girl,
Hey! I've been on my trip to Europe for a few weeks and I so totally miss you.
From my travels, I thought i´d take a moment to inform you all about the crappiness of american women. American women suck. They´re bred to believe they are all princesses, watching mtv reality shows and gay romance comedies. Some vestige of puritanism still exists today in the american mind, i know this because ive noticed on this trip that american girls don´t fuck. It´s true. I spent all last night in group of 15 americans, only 5 of which were guys, and some of the girls were all over the guys. did they fuck? I think you know the answer. Scenario B, ugly dudes in Madrid, European women sort of all over them, did they fuck? Yes, they fucked.

American girls get better though. It usually takes until about a year after college when they start to connect with the real world and get over themselves. Agreed?

I can´t say im not writing this out of anger, because i wasted an entire fucking night hanging out with american girls, slowly realizing that they´re not fuck friendly, watching myself and my other male compatriots be ceaselessly teased and taunted until the very end, when we all walked back together, alone. What the fuck? Compare this to the night prior, same exact situation, replace American girls with european girls, everyone gets laid. Fucking americans.

i´m quite hungover, so excuse the poor grammer and composition.
thank you, and goodnight.

Love,
You-Know-Who (Trevor)

Dear YKW,
You're so sweet; I'm so flattered that you thought to write and tell me about how much you hate American girls and how honest you were about your poor spelling and grammar skills.

But back to your question: Obviously, these particular American girls were looking for something that you and your D just couldn't provide. And if they were just "ceaselessly teasing" you, why didn't you just leave? Because you were hoping they'd get drunk enough and/or turned on enough by your simmering bitterness to want to take you home and fuck you? Simmering bitterness definitely isn't what I look for in a man [except in you, of course]; perhaps you should've pretended you were Spanish.

I think there's a good analogy to be made here between poontang and fast food. You're basically the guy who goes all the way to Europe to go to McDonald's and expects the food to taste different than back in [place you live]. But you know what? You ought to be eating paella til you throw up and saving your desire for burgers and fries til you get home.

The last time I was abroad I did in fact meet an American guy. But in contrast to your situation, he was the complete opposite of the kind of guy I would date in America. My friends and family called him "Captain College." But I digress. The point is that traveling abroad makes you change your priorities and preferences such that up is down and down is up. I'd be willing to bet that any one of the American MTV-reality-show-watching Puritanical Princesses would have taken you home and fucked you if you were home in [place you live].

But then again, I'm not your typical American gal; perhaps that's why you emailed me. I guess next time you should offer them a thong if they'll kiss eachother or show you their tits; the Girls Gone Wild thing seems to know no bounds. But until then, I'd stick to paella while you've got it.

Best of Luck,
Go-To Girl

Girl, the World's Sexiest Man is BACK!

For those of you who are too...ahem...young to remember Smoove B, the world's sexiest newspaper columnist, I have tremendous news: The Onion has not only brought him out of retirement but has actually created a whole page devoted to Smoove B and his smooveness, called "The Smoove Boudoir."

Please, ladies, I am on my knees begging you: go and read Smoove B. And then I will hit you doggy style all night long. And then feed you fine things, like chocolate covered raisins. And gentlemen, please read Smoove B and send your fine lady an electronic post card. Then you can hit her doggy style all night long. With chocolates and the finest champagne available at the corner store.

Love,
Mrs. Go-To Girl Smoove

Q: My bike is giving me yeast infections! A: Ride your boyfriend instead

Dear Go-To Girl,

I am a cyclist and get frequent yeast infections, both internal and now external. This basically means I have a DIAPER RASH all over my butt, vagina, and inner thighs! My questions is that I REALLY want to have sex with my partner, so if the internal infection is subsiding, but the rash is in full flare, is it just stupid to have sex? I'm on cream and Diflucan, btw.

Love,

Abstinence is Killing Me

Dear Abstinence,

Wow. How unfortunate that God would punish you for being in such good shape. I moonlight as a Spinning instructor, so I know about the beating your Area can take when you bike a lot.

Yeast infections are caused by an overgrowth of yeast in the vagina which can be caused by a number of things but usually happens when there's been a change in the vaj's pH or you've worn, as I'm guessing in your case, the same pair of tight, super-sweaty bike shorts all day. The vagina is a delicate place and needs air to stay healthy.

While I am loath to ever recommend abstinence, sex under these conditions might make the irritation worse, so it's up to you to decide whether or not you can stand another couple of days of chastity. Fucking with a yeast infection won't kill you and it might, er, scratch your itch in a way that nothing else can.

If you do decide to go ahead and scratch your itch with your partner, make sure you use lots of lube and condoms. You don't want to add to the irritation by rubbing off more skin and semen is the very last thing you want to introduce into your vaj at this point. See this post for more on that.

Cringing and cross-legged,
Go-To Girl

Flattery all around: Lingering Fishbowl Questions, Part 3

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

South Carolina wins "American Cockblocker" Award

Goddammit. I mean, seriously.

SC Sex Toy Ban Proposed

Thou Shalt Not Fuck Vegetables: Lingering Fishbowl Questions, Part 2

Part 2 in a 4-part series of leftover questions from the FGC Fishbowl.



Q: What are some good cheap/grocery store dildos?

A: For the LOVE OF GOD, do NOT put any fruits or vegetables in your orifices. Seriously. There is a tremendous variety of noxious chemicals sprayed on all kinds of produce (especially cucumbers, a common veggie-cum-sex toy) that are absolutely not okay to introduce to your internal surfaces.

Other objects, like candles, flashlights, water bottles and the like can be okay if and only if they are absolutely clean--but be gentle using anything hard. Do not, under any circumstances, put anything in your ass that does not have either a string or a flared base. Any emergency room doctor will tell you horror stories about the things they've had to surgically remove from people's asses. I'm all for anal experimentation, but use your fingers, a penis, or a toy designed for that purpose.


Right: Anal beads, with a circular handle so they don't get lost.

If you really want a cheap, entry-level dildo, try a jelly toy. They suck, but they're cheap and if you really like using a dildo, you can trade up for something better and silicone. See this previous post on jelly vs. silicone toys.

Love,
GTG

Talking Dirty: Lingering Fishbowl Questions, Part 1

Friends: There were a few questions floating around the girl circle of the FGC Fishbowl last week that didn't get answered, so I'm offering my thoughts on them. My apologies to the original question writers if I paraphrase incorrectly. This is Part 1 of 4.

Q: What about noises/talking during sex?

A: Everybody feels differently about how a hookup should sound: some people want a play-by-play and others prefer "Meeting for Worship with a Concern for Getting it On." I think humans can generally be divided into three broad categories: breathers, moaners, and talkers.

Breathers might not make much noise but will breathe in ways that, if interpreted correctly, are totally hot. Especially if they're breathing heavily in your ear while sucking on your earlobe. Or whatever.

Moaners moan without having to try; they get hit in the right spot or licked in the right way and they can't not make noise.

Talkers can be good talkers or bad talkers. Good talkers say things that are hot and make you feel good; bad talkers make inappropriate comments and kill the mood.

One important note about talking: the first time you hook up with someone, you should tell them they're beautiful. Especially if they're a girl. There are no exceptions to this rule other than using a synonym for "beautiful" like "gorgeous" or "so fucking hot." Doing this a) makes the girl think you're all sensitive and nice (which can, ahem, open doors) and b) is just good policy.

Becoming a Moaner

If you're naturally quiet during sex, don't fake moaning; just try to identify the times and feelings that elicit heavy breathing and try to add a little bit of a moan to the mix. Eventually, moans will come to you naturally. But don't overdo it: not everything should make you moan like you're about to come. The person pleasing you wants to earn those sounds. There's nothing worse than hearing someone sound like the star of "Cum Guzzling Sluts Part 7."

If you're such a moaner that you do really sound like a pornstar, try gagging yourself or putting a pillow over your face. It will be that much hotter when you can moan again.

How to Talk

Talking dirty, for those to whom it doesn't come naturally, is an art form that can take an average sexual experience all the way to awesome. If your partner asks you to talk dirty to them, here are a few places to start:

"I can't wait to ____ you"
"Your ____ feels so fucking good"
"I love it when you ____ me"
"Your ____ gets so ____ when I ____ it"
"Your ____ is going to make me come"

(Words like "pussy" and "cock" are definitely appropriate for the blanks)

And so on. The worst mistake you can make when talking is to come up with a script and use it again and again. Your partner will remember if you said "I love it when your ____ gets tight when I ____ you" the last time you ____ed them.

If your partner has specific fantasies or things they want you to say to them during sex, by all means indulge them. But if something makes you uncomfortable (using the word "Daddy" comes to mind), say so. Talking should make things hotter, not weird.

The most important thing about noise during sex is to not stifle sounds. Don't bite your tongue and not moan or say, "Ohmigod, you're so fucking hot" because you're nervous. And while I don't normally play the age card, the older you get the less worried you are about what you might say and the louder things get. And, believe me, it's hot.

Chances are whatever moans, heavy breathing, or brief comments you would unconsciously make are the actually hottest thing you could contribute to the sexual dialogue between you and your partner.

I love it when you ____ my ____,
Go-To Girl

Q: Are Jelly Toys bad for me? A: Yes. And they suck.

Thanks to my friend Marilyn for the tip to this article on MSNBC which, more than a year after my Sex Herald article "Playing it Safe With Sex Toys" brings phthalate-fear to the masses. (Not that I'm accusing them of plagiarism or anything...)

I have a friend who is a world-renowned researcher on chemical exposure and cancer, and when I asked her about the potential effects of phthalate exposure she said, "[E]specially if these toys are applied internally, there will be measurable absorption and risks." I know, "applied internally" is a pretty hilarious way to describe sex toy use. But you've got to get Real Scientific Information when you can.

So what is a "jelly toy"? The majority of downscale vibrators and dildos available at sex toy parties and "Adult DVD" stores are jelly. They often have a vanilla-esque smell and are soft and sticky.

Here's the one pictured above, called "Freshman." As in, after your freshman year you've got to upgrade to something better.

Jelly toys are fine for first timers; they're cheap and widely available. But yes, they might cause cancer, and if you're in the market for a dildo, silicone is vastly better.



This dildo, called Tex, is my favorite; it's pricey, but totally worth it.

Seen any hot pigs lately?

I have. Check out Trojan's brand-fuckin' new commercial, featuring, I kid you not, the pig that played "Babe."

www.trojanevolve.com

The FDA Cockblocks America, Again

This utterly fucking shocking announcement from the FDA needs no explanation. Except, of course, that the only reason anyone is confused about condom effectiveness rates is because religious conservatives claim that condoms are far less effective than the FDA itself. Read the article. (Emphasis mine)
GTG

Condom packaging may change to point out limits

Bloomberg News, New York, 6/15/07

The FDA is planning a survey to evaluate the effectiveness of current condom packaging and possibly to impose new packaging requirements.

Condom packaging may be redesigned to emphasize the devices' limits in preventing pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases such as AIDS, U.S. regulators said.

The Food and Drug Administration plans to survey 1,200 people in shopping malls about how well they understand condoms' effectiveness based on the current labeling and proposed new precautions, the agency said in a notice posted today on its Web site. Responses will help regulators draft new labels that all packages of latex condoms would have to carry.

The regulatory agency has been drawn into a long-running dispute between makers of condoms and religious groups that say people are misled about how well the products work as an alternative to abstinence and monogamy. Manufacturers include Church & Dwight Co., maker of Trojans, and SSL International Plc, producer of the Durex brand.

The survey "will be considered in FDA's condom labeling recommendations to provide important risk/benefit and use information associated with condoms in easily understood language," according to the agency's notice.

Congress directed the FDA in 2000 to "determine whether the labels are medically accurate regarding the overall effectiveness or lack of effectiveness." The agency proposed in 2005 that condom boxes and wrappers should show data on unintended pregnancies and varying levels of protection against sexually transmitted diseases so that consumers can make informed decisions about their sexual behavior.

The changes would apply only to male condoms made with natural rubber latex, which account for almost 98 percent of U.S. sales, the FDA said.

Market Share

Church & Dwight Co., based in Princeton, New Jersey, controls about 73 percent of the market, according to its annual report. SSL International Plc, based in London, and Ansell Ltd, the Australian maker of LifeStyles condoms, are its biggest competitors.

Regulators said they plan to issue guidelines for products made with lambskin or synthetic materials at a later date.

Latex condoms have been used for almost 100 years to guard against pregnancy and more recently have been promoted as protection against AIDS, genital herpes and other sexually transmitted diseases.

Religious groups oppose advocacy of "safe sex" using condoms.

Catholic Bishops

"This is poor and inadequate advice, given the failure rate of prophylactics and the high risk that an infected person who relies on them will eventually transmit" AIDS from doing so, said the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops in a statement on AIDS approved in 1989.

The FDA, in its 2005 review, found that many people who use condoms aren't aware of how often they fail to prevent pregnancy with typical use, or that they provide less protection from certain STDs, such as genital herpes, that can be transmitted by contact with skin not covered by a condom.

The agency suggested that all boxes of condoms and individual wrappers clearly state that the products "greatly reduce, but do not eliminate" the risk of pregnancy and STDs. The FDA also recommended that condoms with the spermicidal lubricant nonoxynol-9 carry a warning that the lubricant can cause irritation that increases the risk of HIV/AIDS transmission.

Q: Anal-eaze? A: No!!!

Dear Go-To Girl,
So I've thoroughly read your guide to anal sex and checked on Tristan Taormino's website so I feel like I'm ready to go. I've even been practicing with fingers and lube. But I'm still nervous that it's going to hurt when my boyfriend and I give it a go. I've heard about this product called Anal-Eaze that makes butt sex less painful; is it a good idea to get some?
Love you!
Almost Ready in ChiTown

Dear ChiTown,
I'm so happy that you're taking my advice! Here's the lowdown on Anal-Eaze: its active ingredient is benzocaine, which is a numbing agent--the kind of stuff the dentist puts on your gums before drilling you a new one.

Here's why you shouldn't use it: Anal-Eaze will numb your area, which sounds like a good idea but could actually be bad. If something goes wrong back there, you'll want to know so you can stop and take a breather; but if you're numb, you won't feel the pain and won't know until later that you've got a nasty cut on your rosebud.

Benzocaine doesn't only numb you to pain; it also numbs you to pleasure. So you won't feel anything bad or good. It also doesn't only numb your ass--it'll numb whatever is going into it, which, in this case, is your boyfriend's cock. So, nobody wins.

Verdict on Anal-Eaze: Skip it. Work up to three fingers using a good lube like Maximus and you shouldn't have any pain at all.

Love,
Go-To Girl

You Asked For It: What is up with titty fucking?

The first time I ever heard the phrase "tit fuck" it was the summer after eighth grade, when all of us popular girls were starting to hook up with boys for the first time. One night after a party two girls I knew went over to a garage apartment (!) with two boys and proceeded to hook up.

Of course, I got a phone call the very next morning about what had happened (since it was common knowledge I'd had a crush on one of the guys since about the first grade) and was stunned to hear that girl #1 had been "tit fucked" by boy I had a crush on. I didn't even really know what "tit fuck" meant, but when I tried to put two and two together I just thought, "Ew!"

Before going any further, let's define "tit fuck":

Tit fucking is when a girl presses her titties together and lets a cock (real or silicone) fuck the space between them in lieu of fucking some actual orifice. For some reason, guys seem to find it really hot. I imagine it's one of those weird Freudian mother/tits/yuck kind of things that only boys understand. If it's a bio-guy who's fucking your tits, they'll usually want to come on your neck/face. I think that's part of the appeal.

So when is it appropriate to tit fuck?

*When you have your period

*When you're too lazy to give a blow job

*When your guy just really really wants to try it (probably because he saw it in porn)

When is it not appropriate to tit fuck?

*Since we're all consenting adults here, it's never "not appropriate," but I think it's fucked up for a first-time sexual encounter, i.e., you take a guy home with you from a bar and don't want to sleep with him and he says, "Okay, but can I fuck your tits?" Ew. The pornoriffic-ness is only ameliorated when you're in a kinda serious relationship with the cock that's fucking your tits.

All that said, tit fucking is a great way to be lazy and get a guy off. Just be sure to use lube or oil (I think oil is better) and wash it all off afterwards lest you get a nasty breakout on your chest.

Love,
GTG

The Go-To Guide to Anal Sex

While I revel in the opportunity to take phone calls like, 'So, GTG, what's up with titty fucking?' or 'Why do girls like assholes?' it's calls like, 'My boyfriend wants to have anal sex but I'm scared,' that really warm my heart.

So for everyone's benefit, and with a big nod to Tristan Taormino, author of 'The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women,' here is the Official Go-To Guide to Anal Sex 101:

Pointers:

*You cannot go from zero to cock in one night. You can try, but she'll hate it and never want to have anal sex again. So don't think, 'Yeah, I'm having a great time fucking my girl right now, I'm gonna try fucking her in the ass,' if you haven't practiced.

*You must have lube. Whatever amount of wetness might already be present from the vajayjay is not--I repeat, NOT--sufficient. There are no exceptions to this rule.

*Practice first with fingers. Until you can get two fingers in comfortably and three in with a little bit of discomfort, don't even think about venturing with a cock.

*For the love of God, cut your fingernails!

*If your partner is a guy, try sticking your fingertip in his ass when giving him a blow job. Don't ask first (100% of guys will say no), just do it (98% of guys will totally love it).

*When it comes to positions, doggy style is an old favorite (but the person getting fucked should have their head down on the bed/floor/bathtub) but you can also do it missionary style with the fuckee's legs up on the fucker's shoulders.

*Once you get in the backdoor, remember that you can't slam away like you would with vaj-sex, at least not at first. Slow and steady.

Here is a step-by-step guide to a successful anal sex experience:

1. If you're hoping to talk your partner into letting you put something in their ass, do them the courtesy of mentioning it in advance. Don't surprise them (unless it's the blowjob/finger situation).

2. Buy a good bottle of lube. KY Liquid isn't thick enough. I like Maximus.

3. When going down on your girl, lube up a finger or two and try getting in. Go slower than you think you can go, and then go even slower. Getting your girl to have an orgasm with some anal stimulation BEFORE the cock goes in is a key part of making future anal experiences pleasurable.

4. Once you have two fingers moving in and out without any pain, try three. That many fingers going in and out is awkward, but once you can fit three fingers in, you're ready for a cock (but not necessarily on the same night!).

5. Put a condom on (seriously, cum in the ass is nasty and you can't use your toys again without boiling them), lube up your cock, lube it up more, and go really, really, really slowly. Put just the head in and stop. It usually hurts for the first few seconds, but once the body adjusts, you can go in more.

6. Don't think you can just slam away like they do in porno. Those people are professionals.

Love,
GTG

Next entry: What is up with titty fucking?

Q: Demon seed? (Or, "Is unprotected sex causing urinary tract infections?") A: Yup.

Dear Go-To Girl,
First of all I want to assure you that I am a consistent and correct user of condoms. Except, you know, when I'm on the rag. Then my boyfriend and I like it raw. Sounds good, right? Except, here's the rub: the last few times we've had period sex sans condoms, I get a mild painful feeling evocative of past urinary tract infections. I don't know what about having sex on my period could possibly be causing this; is my blood infected with nasty bacteria? Is God punishing me?
Love,
Crotch Rot

Dear CR,
Congratulations on being a part of the .0000001% of the world who correctly and consistently uses condoms. Seriously, way to go. The only group more exclusive is the regular flossers, who count Go-To Girl among their ranks. What can I say? I love my teeth and gums. And I kinda like it when my gums bleed--like I'm whipping them into submission. But enough about me.

Sorry about your UTIs--few things are worse than a UTI in full effect, so I really sympathize. While it may seem that God is punishing you for having unprotected sex, there is a much simpler, less Old Testament-y explanation for your discomfort.
Contrary to popular belief, semen (aka, "cum") is not an inert substance; it is highly alkaline. (For those of you who didn't take 5th grade science, that means it has a very high pH) The alkalinity protects the wee sperm from the acidic vaginal environment so that they can make their way up into your egghouse and whatnot.

Under normal circumstances, the vagina has an acidic pH and has a mixture of yeast and bacteria that maintain it. When either your yeast or bacteria is out of balance, you know it: you have a yucky yeast infection or unbearable bacterial vaginosis, respectively. Both totally suck, and mean that God is in fact punishing you for having sex outside of heterosexual marriage. Just kidding!

Certain outside influences--hormonal contraceptives, douching, and semen among them--can alter the vagina's pH enough that bacteria or yeast can overgrow and cause nasty problems (each pH extreme allows the overgrowth of one or the other; you'll never have both too much bacteria and yeast at the same time).

In your case, your boyfriend's super-sperm is changing the pH in the vagina enough that bacteria are becoming dominant and, most likely, making their way up into your urinary tract as that cum oozes out of you. And, you guessed it, bacteria in the urinary tract is the cause of those sucky UTIs.

Here's a few ways to prevent this problem, in descending order of realisticity/desirability:

*Practice abstinence
*Use condoms, even when you have your period
*Have the boy pull out and come on your face
*Pee right after sex
*Rinse your area thoroughly with water after sex and let all the cum drip out (seriously, all of it)

Love,
Go-To Girl

(I'd like to note that when Crotch Rot called her gynecologist, s/he confirmed my belief about the semen pH/UTI connection.)

Special Issue!

Of The Onion, that is. It's all about women this week, folks!

Q: Where can I find a totally weird condom demonstration video? A: Here.

Hey kids. As we all know, I love to talk about condoms, hand them out to unsuspecting people, and keep large numbers of them all over my apartment. (Sorry, roommate)

So it is with great pleasure that I inform you of a brand new, totally useless innovation in condom technology. Apparently, the "patented Pull-Strip™ system means eliminating that air bubble that often forms in the tip of the condom. This very important feature offers greater safety and greater sensitivity."

I guess that for those people for whom putting on a condom is really their least favorite activity, this product presents an alternative. But the only people for whom I can imagine this product being of use are people who have difficulty using their hands, either due to spinal cord injury or, perhaps, cut off fingers for fun.

See the Pullitt Condom Demonstration video here.