Q: Do girls always like assholes? A: She's just not that into you.

(via voice mail)
Dear GTG,
Is it true that girls just like assholes? I mean, if girls like assholes, then does that mean that when girls like me it's because I'm being an asshole? And, conversely, if girls don't like me, does it mean that I'm not an asshole, and that some other guy is an asshole, and that she likes him and not me because I'm not an asshole? I don't get it. Can you help?
Trevor
PS I love you

Dear Trevor,
Thanks! I'm flattered. This is the question that boys always ask about girls, and I think that the conventional wisdom holds that girls don't like assholes but really like nice guys but sometimes it just appears that they like assholes when a nice guy, like you, isn't getting any 'tang. But I'm here to challenge that notion with what might be a heartbreaking revelation: it's not that she likes assholes, it's that she's just not that into you. Sorry. I know that's hard to hear.
But let's examine the meaning of the word "asshole": according to dictionary.com, "asshole" means contemptible, stupid, horrible, irritating, detestable, or mean. None of those things are likable traits, so of course girls don't like assholes. They just don't like you, and you think that the guys they do like are assholes. But when girls like you and not some other guy, that other guy thinks you're an asshole. Am I blowing your mind yet?
Girls like confidence. And confidence, when you're feeling insecure, looks an awful lot like asshole. But it's not. And nice guys actively trying not to be assholes in order to win over the girl who likes the guy you think is an asshole not only don't finish last, they don't finish at all.
So keep your chin up. This girl won't come around, but the next one will.
Love,
GTG

Q: HPV? Moi? A: Oui.

Study: You Have HPV

Today's vocabulary word: BLOWHARD

After my first dabbling in etymology, I feel that I have a duty to share with you words that I think a) I need to use more and b) you might not have heard and should also use more.

Today's word:

Blowhard. noun. An exceptionally boastful or talkative person.

Example: Leslee Unruh, founder and president of the Abstinence Clearinghouse, is a total fucking blowhard when it comes to the unproven, insane claims of the effectiveness of abstinence-only education. She routinely touts in public how incredible her achievements are, when in fact she totally sucks.

Examples of Leslee blowharding:

"We've been very successful to chip away at the laws of Roe v. Wade in South Dakota, and we think the rest of the country should really be following us, and following the heartland," she said in a February 2006 appearance on NPR's Morning Edition. (cite)

Remember that ban? The one that was rejected by South Dakota's own voters? Thought so. Suck it, Leslee.

Q: Why is Texas so f-ed up? A: Watch this video.

Yes, friends, in Texas one could not buy any of the toys I have reviewed on this site without referring to them using veiled, innuendo-laden language of "educational models" and "personal massagers." Except for the Aneros, because apparently, under Texas law, the anus is not a sexual orifice so you can go 'n put anything ya darn well please up in there.
How's that, cowboys?

Q: What about the fucking? A: Exactly.

See today's letter in the New York Times in response to the WHO recommendation that male circumcision be used to reduce HIV transmission. The writer, an on-the-ground public health worker in South Africa, writes:
"Another worry is the fact that men should abstain from sex for at least four weeks after the [circumcision] surgery. This seems highly unlikely in the conditions I have observed, in southern Africa and elsewhere."
This woman is pointing out what I have been saying all along: interventions that rely on people not having sex in order to be effective will fail every time.
As health advocates we can't forget to ask ourselves the question: What about the fucking?

Q: I like it when my boyfriend slaps me across the face during sex. Am I normal? A: No. But right on!

Dear GTG,
I've recently discovered that I'm totally into it when my boyfriend hits me during sex. Not like punching, but more like slapping me in the face right as I'm about to come. WTF?

Love,
Devoted Reader

Dear DR,
You're definitely not normal, but so what? If you like being slapped during sex and your boyfriend likes to slap you, and nobody has any misunderstandings about how it's not appropriate for this recreational hitting to move outside the bedroom, then go forth and hit. I'm all for it. Some people like being spanked, and I don't think this is too much different. And considering how utterly vanilla getting slapped is compared to, say, this, don't give being normal or not a second thought. But just so your friends and coworkers don't get suspicious, try to avoid winding up with a black eye.

Love,
Go-To Girl

---------
Good news for sex:

All-around douchebag Dr. Eric Keroack, the guy who opposes birth control that Bush installed as head of The Office of Population Affairs to oversee the U.S.'s Title X program (that's the birth control funding program, for those of you not in public policy) resigned.

Guess who was right about the HPV vaccine?

That's right, dear readers: ME. See the following Op-Ed in the Times. While there are cases in which the HPV vaccine makes sense this article clears up a lot of misunderstandings that have been fully exploited by Merck, the vaccine's manufacturer, which stands to make a $hit-ton of money if New York and other state governments mandate the vaccine (which costs a whopping $360 for the series of 3 shots) for all school-age children.
The fact is, treatment for cervical cancer is so available and so good that the disease burden does not necessitate such a hugely expensive vaccine. This is not avian flu, people. I will concede that the author of this article is a staffer at the Cato Institute, a libertarian think tank, but they're smart people in spite of their opposition to stuff like heavy-handed government public health measures.
The reason the HPV vaccine doesn't need mandating isn't "because making such determinations rightly rests with families" (individuals and individual families routinely make the wrong determinations about all kinds of health issues) but because the cost of this vaccine and the as-yet unknown risks associated with it mean that, particularly until the cost goes down, it's just not necessary.

Spring break, part 3...the saga continues

For the love of G-d, please don't ever fly in or out of Houston or in or out of Brownsville. Apparently every bad weather system in the United States settles, at some point, over one of these two airports. Suffice it to say that the horror of my air travel makes the prospect of coming back to SPI kindof a nightmare.
But then I think back to this bartender at Louie's Backyard, and it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside about my Spring Break journey.
This is the very same tank top given to the girls in the Screaming Orgasm contest. I give this guy ten bajillion badass points for wearing it.
So, in conclusion, Spring Break was fun. My hotel totally rules; check it out at www.upperdeckhotel.com.

Spring Break, part 2 y'all!

Last night was GTG's first ever VIP experience. And not only was I in the VIP section, I was actually The VIP since Trojan was the exclusive sponsor of last night's show. Which meant that everyone was kissing my ass (a very strange experience!) and buying me drinks and showing me all the kids wearing the Trojan hats and tank tops.



The highlight was the Trojan Woman contest, which, surprise! turned into the Screaming Orgasm contest once the girls got on stage. The first 4 girls had clearly not had much experience faking orgasms, but the last two turned in a star performance. See pic at left.



So some of you have been anxiously awaiting the revelation of last night's Mystery Star. Although I had never before heard the name Paul Wall, I got my picture taken with him (in all of his Grill Glory) and got to sit in the elevated VIP section during the concert. See picture below.

So tonight is supposed to be some "competitive barhopping" with our ad agency gal to see what kind of "premiums" (read: tank tops and titty beads) the other companies are handing out. The saddest part of this whole affair is that among the other big sponsors are the Army, the Marine Corps, and the National Guard. Today the Army folks staged a parachute drop of like 8 soldiers onto the beach.

And speaking of the beach, look what I stumbled upon right in the midst of it all!

These Spring BrEvangelists come down and make a Jesus Sand Sculpture every morning (this is the very same mound of sand atop which yesterday's butt shot was taken) and drive drunk kids around for free until 4 a.m. And they have an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast at the Baptist church right next to my hotel! Tempting...

And just in case you forgot that I'm in Texas, here's a little reminder:

Love, GTG

Spring Break, y'all! Part 1

Y'all! Seriously, y'all! Listen up: Spring Break is awesome. And, by awesome, I mean awesomely American and bad and trashy and Texas. I'm here in South Padre Island, which is, apparently, the number 1 Spring Break destination in the U.S. It is also the number one destination for excessive tanning, cheap thongs, and Victoria's Secret "PINK" sweatpants. Seriously, like every girl has a pair. I'm staying at The Upper Deck Hotel, SPI's only gay hotel and only gay bar. It's kind of fabulous, kind of Brokeback. There's a crew of nice hot gay boys from UT (see pics).

So the hotel is nice. And although I lived through a hurricane today, the sun came out this afternoon and I got to walk down the beach and see Spring Break in action. And some jellyfish that look like condoms that have been blown up.









As I was walking down the beach, it was all nice and quiet
and families with kids and stuff, and then, all of a sudden,
it was officially Spring Break.








More to come tomorrow, including a photo of me with a Mystery Celebrity!
Love, GTG

Go-To Girl Gone Wild!!

It's true, readers: I'm going to Official Spring Break on behalf of a Certain Condom Company that I cannot name lest I reveal both my and its identity. Let it be said, though, that I will take photographs of the biggest fratty douchebag asshole and the drunkest dirty sratty slut I can find and post them for your viewing pleasure. Luckily my staff will be on hand to distribute condoms to these people and prevent them from reproducing.
As for me, I'll be staying in The (only) Gay Hotel which I hope will offer some sort of refuge from the Gone Wildness.
Love,
GTG

Important Biology Question

Dear readers,
It's not every day that I get to test my biology know-how (beyond, of course, the inner workings of le sex organs) but the other day I received, via text message, the following question:

Heya-
Oysters begin their lives as males and end their lives as females, what would you call this sexual deviance?
Love,
Devoted reader

Dear DR,
Well, in my field, we call these people M-to-F trannies, but it's been a long time since I took that marine biology course in college. The term "protandric" which means "has male sex organs while young and later in life has female sex organs." It's the combination of two words, "Proto," meaning "early" and "andric," meaning "male." Betcha didn't know I also dabble in etymology.
Love,
GTG

Back from Vacay!

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Q: How do lesbians have sex? A: Watch this movie, Part 2

Remember "The Crash Pad," that fiesta of butch girls wearing strap-ons and female ejaculation? Well, director Shine Louise Houston is back again with "Superfreak," a movie that (brace yourself) has hot girls and bois become possessed by the ghost of the Original Superfreak Rick James and then have "Superfreaky" sex. I know. If you can get past the premise, and, really, what porn viewer pays attention to the premise, anyway? then "Superfreak" is actually an improvement on "CP." More girls, a few hot returning characters, and way more sex.

"Superfreak" opens with bondage and fetish model Madison Young jerking off on the couch to, believe it or not, "On Our Backs"” magazine. Rick James, through artful camera work, enters MadisonÂ’s body and brings her to a powerful, Hitachi Magic Wand-induced orgasm.

Madison crashes a party and pulls “Crash” veteran Dylan Rion away from her dance partner for a behind-the-couch fuck. Those who remember Dylan as the femme in the middle of the hot threesome scene in “Crash” might not recognize her here: she’s all boi-ed out, and she looks superhot with short hair and sweater vest. She fucks Madison against the wall, standing up, a feat of strength for anyone.

After Dylan and Madison’s scene, we see returning couple Vasa (known as Jiz Lee in “Crash”) and Shawn getting wet in the kitchen sink. After thoroughly hosing each other down with the sink hose, they fuck in their signature frantic, intense style on virtually every surface in the kitchen. Sadly, Vasa/Jiz doesn't repeat "Crash"'s amazing squirt, but these two are fun to watch anyway.

No room at this party escapes use: next we find real couple (but fake-named) Guy Handful and Rozen hilariously act out lesbodrama in the bathroom before fucking long and hard all over the floor, much to the chagrin of the six or seven ladies waiting in line outside. Rozen is my favorite girl in the film: she's super hot and watching Guy fuck her reminds anybody who's had a good set of hands go to work on her just how good it can feel.

The final scene features porn stars Lorelei Lee, Princess Donna and Dana DeArmond in an all-femme threesome that gives us the first real anal scene in the movie. Watch this one to see Dana put four fingers in Lorelei’s ass at the same time that Donna has four in her pussy. While they occasionally drift into porno-girl noises, this scene is really hot.

The “Superfreak” DVD comes with a second disc of special features that has bloopers, cast interviews, and a TV special about Houston’s path to pornmakerdom. While not hot per se, the features are illuminating and give fans some insight into the intricacies of queer relationships and participation in porn.

“Superfreak” is much more “porno” than “Crash” and that makes it both more fun and less hot. The Rick James plot device is no more ridiculous than any other porn storyline, but part of the beauty of “Crash” was that there was so little unnecessary dialogue to dampen the mood. But “Superfreak” does fulfill the big need left by “Crash” for more fucking. There is more anal, more oral, and more fucking in general in “Superfreak,” and that alone makes it great. Fans of female ejaculation will be disappointed; there are no visible squirts this time.

Q: Can my gyno tell if I've had sex before my Pap Smear? A: Probably. But whatever.

Dear Go-To Girl,
So I called Student Health this morning to get a Pap before I leave school and don't have health insurance for a while, and they gave me an appointment for this afternoon. The problem is, I just had sex with my boyfriend this morning and I've heard that if you've recently had sex it can mess up your Pap smear. Wtf?
Love,
Pap Gal
PS-We used a condom.
Dear Pap Gal,
Way to go using condoms. You're a good person. Your gyno will probably be able to tell that you've had sex recently, but as long as there's no semen inside you having recently had sex won't affect your Pap at all.
Go in peace.
Go-To Girl

The Go-To Guide to Getting Pegged

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By popular demand: The Rules of Queer Dating, Part 2

Apparently queers everywhere are so eager for me to tell them what to do about their relationships that I felt compelled to add a few more rules to The Rules. But the first and foremost Rule bears repeating: Be a creature unlike any other. Which leads nicely into my next rule:
14: "Resist the 'Urge to Merge.'" This applies particularly to gals: you shouldn't have the same haircut, borrow each other's clothes, or start looking alike. And don't wear matching outfits. Please.
15: "Don't get too intimate." Call me old fashioned, but I feel very strongly that all bathroom-oriented activities should be done privately, with the door closed. Even if you've just fucked someone senseless and seen every part of their body naked, allow them the dignity of doing their business alone. Same goes for using gendered, multi-stall bathrooms: for the love of god, don't stall up next to each other. That's just gross.
16: "Accept only one cancellation." I follow this religiously: just ask the [person] who cancelled on me twice in one week. S/he's dead to me now. Being queer doesn't make the repeated cancellation of previously made plans any less completely fucking rude. If someone you're dating keeps breaking dates with you, it's because they don't want to date you.
17: "Don't forget you don't have to settle down and move to the suburbs." Being queer used to be about not doing what everyone else did, mostly because queer people weren't allowed to. But nothing upsets me more than breeder gays and lesbians. I mean, live and let live, and if they want to get all HRC on us and pretend that nothing but gay marriage matters, so be it, but don't let them brainwash you into thinking that that's what a grown up queer life has to be like. You might be surprised to know that you can buy china and flatware if you're single. Crate & Barrel doesn't discriminate.
18: "Don't date someone who pressures you to have kids." Straight men know this; most of them will run away if a woman talks about babies too soon. This seems particularly intense with lesbians, perhaps because of what my dad calls "baby noises" that women begin to hear at some point. Some women hear them more loudly than others, and some (like me) only hear sirens. But if you're ambivalent about having children and you're dating someone who is not, say so. Children that endure gay and lesbian parental "divorce" suffer no less than those whose straight parents break up.
For further reading:
"The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right," by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider
"He's Just Not that Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys," by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

Coming Soon to Health and Human Services: Looney Tunes PowerPoints

Thanks to Andrew Sullivan (www.andrewsullivan.com), for this powerpoint (http://www.abstinence.net/pdf/contentmgmt/EricKeroackPresentation2003.pdf) by newly-appointed HHS Deputy Secretary for Family Planning Eric Keroack that is called, and I am not making this up, "The Neuroendocrine and chemical Basics of Human Sexuality: The Results of Non-Marital Sexual Activity." In this presentation, he calls premaritial sex our generation's "Germ Warfare." He suggests that sex, because of its neurochemical processes, causes addiction to pleasure chemicals in a way that mimics drug abuse. The slides explaining this process are artfully illustrated with drawings that look like his 9-year old kid got a hold of a biology textbook and some markers. (see slide 19) Keroack suggests that the stress caused by non/pre/extramarital sexual activity acts as an opiate in the brain, increasing tolerance to oxytocin, the "bonding" brain chemical highly touted by conservatives as the chemical that proves women shouldn't have promiscuous sex lest they bond with every frat guy in sight. Besides Keroack disturbing overuse of Looney Tunes characters to illustrate his slides, his argument fails because it is basically this: the effects of oxytocin include an "airbrushing" of memory: for example, because of the oxytocin released during labor and delivery, women "forget" how painful childbirth really is and are usually willing to go through it again. So oxytocin in sex helps "airbrush" women's memories of fights or other upsets in relationships, which is apparently a reason why sex should be saved for marriage. So it lasts longer. Or something.

Good Catholics Use Condoms

I'm not making this up.

http://www.condoms4life.org/

The Rules of Queer Dating, part 1

1: "Be a creature unlike any other." Could anything be more appropriate for queers? "Creature" necessarily allows room for genderfucking, so this book is great for y'all. So get your drag on, dress up as that Asian gal from The Holograms, or a greaser mechanic, whatever.
2: "Don't stare at [people] or talk too much." Unless you're going to walk up to someone and tell them you want to take them home, don't stare. It's just not polite.
3: "Don't meet [them] halfway or go dutch on a date." Call me old fashioned, but I'm a femme and I expect to be taken out. Non-heteronormative of gender-binary-abiding people can figure this one out on their own, but somebody should just pay. There's nothing more gauche than talking about money.
4: "Don't call [them] and rarely return [their] calls." Again, this is classic hard to get. I believe that a ratio of 2 calls to 1 is good. And calls beget more calls, and I hate being on the phone.
5: "Always end phone calls first." Do this. Seriously.
6: "No more than casual kissing on the first date." This is playing hard to get with yourself. Do you really deserve to get laid right away? Doubtful.
7: "Don't expect to change a [person] or try to change [them]." This is especially key for readers of the bio-girl persuasion. For some reason, XX's make people believe that someone's "potential" is who they actually are, or that if they just quit smoking or just started listening to your favorite band, that they'll be perfect. Not so.
8: "DON'T TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS." Seriously. Be mysterious. Unless there's a real reason to make "I feel..." statements, don't.
9: "Don't live with a [person] or leave your things at [their] apartment." There is one exception to this rule, and it involves coffee. No toothbrushes, no dildos, no scented candles.
10: "Don't buy collective sex toys." This is the same principle as living with someone: when you break up, you'll have the awkward situation of dividing custody of harnesses and dildos and, in the end, nobody ends up with a full set.
11: "Don't date a married [person]." Or date someone who's in an "open," "nonmonogamous," or "polyamorous" relationship. Those relationships are primary relationships with someone who is not you.
12: "Don't sleep together every day." Hello, U-Haul? Take a day off every now and then. Like two or three times a week at least.
13: "First dates (or hookups) should not last more than 48 hours." Party plus sleeping in plus brunch plus back to bed for round two plus sleeping over again equals just about 36 hours. Keep it at that.