Not Just for Teenagers Anymore: The Handjob

These sexy black gloves come in sizes XS-XL and will keep STI germs off your body.

Dear Go-To Girl,

I have genital herpes and when I have an outbreak, I have the hardest time getting over feeling "infected" and pleasuring my boyfriend. Obviously we can't have sex, and I can't stand dental dams. What the hell should we do to each other?

Love,

Helen

Dear Helen,

Congratulations! You're at the point where you're smart enough to know that you really, really shouldn't have sex when you have a herpes outbreak. You're officially an adult. I've got good news for you: handjobs are not the clumsy, long-nailed disaster that you remember from the summer after 8th grade.

If you're a regular reader, chances are you already own a copy of The Guide to Getting it On, so get it out and flip to page 123.

If this is you: "Handjobs? Seriously?" consider this:

"Hopefully, by the end of this chapter you will be thinking, 'Any girl can give him a blow job, but I'm the only one who can give him a handjob that makes him want me more than he's ever wanted any woman." (page 123)

Legally, I can't print much more of the book here but here are a few basics:

1. Buy lube (he might not like it or need it, but have it on hand just in case)

2. Cut (and file) your goddamn fingernails

3. Surprise him somewhere--the kitchen, a movie theater, in the car

And if you don't have kleenex handy, use your mouth.

Q: Help! I've never had an orgasm; A: Masturbation Week to the Rescue!

The vibrating cock ring is your friend.

Dear Go-To Girl,

I've never been able to masturbate, meaning that touching myself doesn't set off any physical reaction. Well, now that I've been having intercourse (vaginal and otherwise), I can't orgasm. Having never done so before, I can't tell for sure that I've ever been close, but the times I thought I was I can count on my fingers.

I'm very frustrated, and sex has become a source of some tension for me. It seems like it's so easy for everyone else to Orgasm, and I just can't. I find myself wanting to have sex less often, because my partner will orgasm, and I won't.

Can you help?

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

First things first--it is a myth that sex without orgasm is 'bad sex' or 'not quite there sex.' Not everyone--male or female--has orgasms ever, much less regularly. So if you're concerned about whether you fit into the box of what female sexual response should be, throw that box out the fucking window. If you enjoy sex the way you have it and you feel pleasure, you don't need to put yourself under pressure to have an orgasm.

But if you want to have an orgasm during sex, then you absolutely need to have one on your own, when you're alone, when you're not feeling pressure to produce one to validate the sex you're having with your boyfriend.

First, invest in a good vibrator (see yesterday's post) and some erotica or porn that you like. Once you get some stuff you like (if you want printed erotica, try the penthouse letters series, which you can get at any Barnes & Noble or Borders), get some time by yourself when you won't be distracted and let yourself get turned on.

In terms of physical response, you might feel some heat in your area, you might start to get wet, or you might even feel what seems like cramps around your vagina (this is the result of blood rushing to the area; it's nothing to be scared of). Use the vibrator on your clitoris and other parts of your vulva to see what feels good. Some people really like direct clitoral stimulation and some don't. Hopefully practicing with a vibrator will help you get close.

When you feel comfortable using your vibrator, try using it on your clitoris when you're having sex with your boyfriend. He can also get a cock ring that has a little vibrator on it so that you can stimulate your clit during sex without having to hold something in your hand. You can get them at the drugstore in the condom section.

So...hopefully that will help you get started.

To recap:
1. buy some erotica/porn
2. buy a vibrator
3. read/watch and masturbate
4. repeat

*If, by any chance, you are taking certain types of antidepressants, orgasm will be virtually impossible. Read more about that here.

Welcome to Masturbation Week!

No, this isn't me. (but it sure does kinda look like me...)

In keeping with the tradition of answering lingering fishbowl questions, I've decided to take the fishbowl theme of masturbation and bring it to the blog for the whole week.

Here we go!

Q: Do you have any sex toys?

A: Dear God, yes. I have multiple tiers of sex toys: those that are in regular, day-to-day rotation, those that are relaxing-evening-at-home toys, and those that I've tried, rejected, and are just laying around taking up space in my giant walk-in closet.

You can see reviews of toys I've written and posted here.

In Go-To Girl's own arsenal are the following:

Regular Rotation:


The Babeland Silver Bullet. Cheap, powerful, and versatile, this bullet is a stand-by. At the bargain price of $15 I've been happy to replace it as necessary--once a year or so.


O'My Natural Lubricant. Not my favorite lube for anal (see Maximus) but generally good all around; not too thin, doesn't taste gross or smell bad. Lube, obviously, is a must. And the pump top and the pretty bottle make it both convenient (believe me--when you're at the moment that you need lube, you don't want to bother unscrewing a top) and discreet (for when you forget to put it away when your friends/family are coming to spend the night).


Occasional:


The Dynamic Duo Bullet is just like the regular bullet, except it has two bullets for double the fun.


Tex. Best. Dildo. Ever. $96 and worth every fucking penny. It's silicone so it can be heated up or cooled down and is sterilizable.


Cock rings. They come with the harness but sometimes they come in really handy.


The Tantus Ryder butt plug. Totally awesome. Silicone and sterilizable.


The Tantus Silk dildo. Silicone and sterilizable.


Sportsheets Velvet Harness. For dildos. Machine-washable.


Smart Balls. These are new so I'm not entirely sure that I like them yet. But they're supposed to strengthen your muscles and stuff.

Practically in the Trash:

The Ideal which is incredibly loud and super-powerful. Really, it's just better as a massager. A back massager.


The Cone. I just can't figure this thing out.

Paraclitoridienne: Thanks, Genetic Lottery!

My dedicated readers know that I only read books about sex. This morning I was reading Bonk, by Mary Roach (a gift from J), and came across the following totally remarkable paragraph:

"If the distance is less than the width of your thumb, you are likely to come." This catchy anatomical ditty was penned not by Marie Bonaparte, but by Kim Wallen, an Emory University professor of behavioral neuroendocrinology...Vaginal-clitoral distances, he said, turned out to perfectly predict which women would have orgasms in intercourse and which wouldn't. The cut-off point, as Bonaparte had noted, lay at around an inch--the width of a typical thumb. (p.68)

Translation: If your clitoris is less than an inch from the opening of your vagina, you're significantly more likely to have an orgasm during sex cos that penis will, presumably, rub up against your clit.

The nice French-y word for this physiological state? Paraclitoridienne.

Other interesting details?

"Shorter women tend to have shorter spans [between clitoris and vagina]."

"Women with small breasts seem more likely to have shorter distances." (p.79)

This information has absolutely no use other than to explain why some women can have orgasms so easily and most cannot; but there's nothing to be done about the location of one's clitoris so...thanks, genetic lottery. For the other 80% of women, why not invest in a vibrating cock ring?

In Honor of the White Party

R. Kelly Step In The Name Of Love
Uploaded by carmlo01

Orgasmic Birth Movie Trailer

Really! Thanks to I for the tip on this. I don't normally talk about what happens if birth control fails (pregnancy, childbirth, screaming brats, whambulances, etc.) here on GTG, but this new documentary about the "sensuous...ecstatic release of childbirth" seemed to cross genres and be appropriate to mention here.

I'm all about homebirth, midwives, and so on and this makes it seem even cooler. Fuck you, medicalized commodified hospital childbirth!

Vasectomy: Long-Term Birth Control for Men?

Vasectomy has been on the brain a lot the last few weeks for a couple of reasons. First, Quaker Earthcare Witness has a program called "Men for Men" that provides financial assistance to men who are either members or regular attenders at a Quaker meeting and want to "permanently end their fertility."

I picked up a copy of their brochure at Gathering and was both excited that QEW has started this program and dismayed that, despite Quakers' concern for overpopulation, Quaker overpopulation is not, in fact, a problem.

Next came this article in the Times about vasectomy and how easy, fast, and effective it is.

On the highways between Austin and Houston you see billboard after billboard that say "VASECTOMY REVERSAL!!!" with an 800 number to call. Nobody seems to be willing to talk about whether or how vasectomy could be used as long-term birth control for men. I know that it is not physician practice to tell men patients that they can plan on a reversal in the future. But if vasectomy reversal is increasingly effective, why not?

A Google Scholar search gave me a couple of abstracts that said that pregnancy rates after vasectomy reversal ranged from about 40% to 60%, depending a lot on the age of the man's woman partner. Forty to 60% is way higher than other fertility treatments, so while it's not a guarantee of pregnancy, the chances are pretty good.

In terms of cost, a vasectomy costs about $500 and the reversal about $5000, so if, say, an 18 year old gets a vasectomy and then a reversal at 28 when he's ready to get a lady pregnant, the per month cost is about $45--just about the same cost as a month of the Nuva Ring or Yasmin.

So why are we so nervous about encouraging vasectomy as a reversible method of birth control? I've seen guys go pale in the face at the mere mention of vasectomy. Considering the parity in cost and the relatively low risks involved, I think it might be time for you guys out there to start thinking about vasectomy.

C'mon, it won't hurt a bit.

More Good News in Sex: Jesse Helms is Dead!

Good Summer News: Watermelon Helps Hard-Ons!

Via Discovery News, is the best summer food-related news I've heard all month.

"Arginine boosts nitric oxide, which relaxes blood vessels, the same basic effect that Viagra has, to treat erectile dysfunction and maybe even prevent it," said Bhimu Patil, a researcher and director of Texas A&M's Fruit and Vegetable Improvement Center.

"Fruit and Vegetable Improvement Center"? That sounds like a fancy way of saying "Genetic Modification" to me. Maybe they've actually just bred Viagra into these watermelons?

Vacation Over. Back to the Grindstone.

Go-To Girl has a new friend! Peterson Toscano is the co-founder of BeyondExGay.com, a web community for people who have survived "gay conversion" therapies or programs.

Last week I met Peterson and got ahold of a copy of his now-retired play, Doin' Time at the Homo No-Mo Halfway House. After performing the show around the world for 5 years, Peterson retired it early in 2008.

The one-man show documents, in 7 characters, Peterson's own experience in various ex-gay ministries in his desperate attempt to not be gay.

Peterson is super cool and the show is hilarious. Two dildos up!

Book Review: It's Called A Breakup Cause It's Broken

My advice to those who come to me with questions about their relationships is, perhaps too often, "Break up!" Whether the question is, "Is having a threesome with my boyfriend a good way to put the spark back into our sex life? (by the way, we're 20)*" or "My boyfriend, who I want to marry, hates performing oral sex on me. Is that bad?" I usually draw a line in the sand and say, "Dump the motherfucker already!" (Thanks, Dan)

As a documented fan of He's Just Not That Into You, I eagerly read It's Called A Breakup Cause It's Broken, looking forward to more of author Greg Behrendt's harsh, "this is what the guys never tell you" wit.

Just like HJNTIY, ICABCIB is pure gold for the first 80 pages or so. He and wife Amiira write about the different stages of breakups in a way I've not seen before. There's the obvious "He told me he wants to break up" scenarios and then the less obvious "He hasn't told you yet, but he's being an asshole so you'll break up with him, and that means he's broken up with you."

They include "Psycho Confessional" and Q & A from readers that, sadly, most readers would identify with.

The second half of the book is about how to do a "Breakover" and make yourself into the "SuperFox" you really are. I couldn't be bothered to read that part, so I can't tell you how it ends. But the beginning is harsh advice that, just like HJNTIY, everyone--male or female, straight, gay, or queer--should read.

And, for the love of G-d, DTMFA!


*For the record, if you're 20 and you find yourself in need of a "spark" in your relationship, DTMFA!!! At your age, it should be all spark, no relationship.

Book Review: She Comes First: I came. I read. I puked.

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Oral Sex Week, Part 3: The Conflict Continues

The privileges of being on GTG's GoogleChat list:

Monica: I have some news on the going dtown front.. too

me: ohh!
let's hear it

Monica: Working at work!

me: i know
it's novel

4:53 PM Monica: He said it makes him gag

me: oh give me a break

Monica: he is able to control it

me: like having a cock in your mouth doesn't make a girl gag?

Monica: but its hard for him
and I laughed
said exactly that

me: you should remind him that the gag reflex is actually inside the throast
not on the tongue

Monica: he did attempt to go down on me
4:54 PM after our chat
but it was short and not great

me: well, i can guarantee you that you can look forward to a relationship w/o cunnilingus

Monica: But damn the sex was good
I know

me: that wouldn't be tolerable to me

Monica: There is not a single thing I would change about him

me: but it's your call

4:55 PM Monica: except for that
I know
He is making an effort
4:56 PM kinda cracks me up

me: sounds like he's making an effort to get you to say,
'don't worry about it'

Monica: hahahah
Maybe I should be more forcefull
4:57 PM really ask him to work on it

me: i think it's fair

Monica: that its important for our sex life

me: as dan savage says, oral sex comes standard
and any model that comes without it should be returned to the lot

Okay, gang. Really. Oral comes standard. Any make or model that comes without it should be returned to the showroom.

Biostatistics and Journalism 101: The Gloucester Pregnancy "Pact"

Thanks to M, S, and L who all sent me links to this Time article about the alleged "pregnancy boom" at Gloucester High in Massachussetts.

I want everyone to take a deep breath here. Now, let's all do some math.

There are 1200 students at this school. For the sake of argument, let's say that 50% of them are female. So that gives us 17 pregnancies for 600 students. Get out your calculators:

17/600 = 0.0028

To calculate the number of pregnancies per 1000 people, we multiply that 0.0028 by 1000 and, viola, we have a pregnancy rate of 28.33 per 1000 women. Sound high?

According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, which publishes statistics on teen sex and pregnancy, 28 per 1000 is 16 prengancies lower than the lowest state prengancy rate in the nation (North Dakota, with 42 per 1000 teen women aged 15-19).

Now I'm no expert, but that doesn't much sound like a "pregnancy outbreak" to me, which is what CNN called it in a news story this morning. And the alleged "pact" the girls made? The school's principal, Joseph Sullivan, claimed on CNN that "nearly half" of the pregnancies were planned.

What's actually fueling this story, I imagine, is revealed in the shots of the Gloucester Daily Times that the CNN story shows: health education funding has been cut at Gloucester High, and the school's board will vote this fall on whether to provide contraception in its school clinic.

I'm all for health education (as long as it's not abstinence-based) and school-provided contraception, but shame on CNN for being total navel-gazers on this story and not, say, checking around for real pregnancy statistics. This is not, in fact, an outbreak. And the "pact"? Here's a quote from the original Gloucester Daily Times story:

To get to the bottom of the problem, Sullivan investigated and came up with a startling revelation: According to his conversations with upperclassmen, some younger students may be becoming pregnant on purpose.

Kim Daly, nurse practitioner for the high school, was unable to confirm specifics but did say that the majority of students reporting pregnancies this school year were in the younger grades.

Let's get this straight: nobody, not the principal or the nurse practitioner (who, I assume, actually did those pregnancy tests), has spoken to a single girl who has participated in this "pregnancy pact." The only information that even suggests a pact are the principal's conversations with upperclassmen--who, last time I checked, were not "in the younger grades."

Way to go, CNN. This is some of the clumsiest journalism I've ever seen. I don't believe this "pact" bullshit for a second.

Q: Where is my coffee? A: No, seriously, where is it?

Obviously, readers, coffee is not something I ordinarily write about here on Go-To Girl. But this brand-spanking new study published in the Annals of Internal Medicine that has shown that:

While accounting for other risk factors, such as body size, smoking, diet, and specific diseases, the researchers found that people who drank more coffee were less likely to die during the follow-up period (1980 to 2004 for women and 1986 to 2004 for men). This was mainly because of a lower risk for heart disease deaths among coffee drinkers.

Today's post is brought to you by coffee. Now...where is my coffee? No, seriously, where is it?

Q: Why am I losing my hard-on? A: You're putting pain-killers on it

Dear Go-To Girl,

I'm in a relatively new relationship and my girlfriend and I have tried twice to have sex. Both times once I put a condom on, I lost my erection. I'm using these condoms by Trojan; the wrapper is green. Do I need a Magnum?

Jack

Dear Jack,

Sometimes guys really do need a Magnum because the condom they put on is too tight at the base and they lose their erection. Not to diminish the possibility that you have a huge cock, but the green-wrapped Trojan you're talking about is the "Extended Pleasure" model, which says right on the box that it contains a "male genital desensitizer."

That desensitizer is no other chemical than benzocaine, the dental anesthetic. Using an Extended Pleasure condom is like spraying Chloraseptic on your dick.

So throw those condoms in the trash and get yourself some nice Kimono Type E's.

GTG

Do Humans Have Sex like Chimps?

No, these aren't chimps. But Bonobos are so cute!

I'm usually skeptical of evolutionary fuckology because human scientists have done such a bang-up job over time of applying our own social context onto animal societies and then used our interpretation of their behavior to support gender roles and behaviors in humans. But I'm not gonna lie, but this article in the New York Times reminds me a bit of the college fuck behavior I observe [from a distance!!!] every day.

Chimps are particularly likely to be silent and conceal their liaisons when higher-ranking females are nearby. They were most acoustically exuberant when cavorting with a high-ranking male.

The reason may be that other higher-ranking males are likely to be around, too, and by advertising her availability to them a female chimp may gain many influential protectors for her future infant.

The calculus changes when higher-ranking females are around because they are likely to attack the caller and break up the fun.

Sound familiar?

There's more:

“I can imagine that these sort of signals [in humans] may still be very much perceived by other group members and give a female a high degree of control over her willingness to copulate or let others know her sexual state,” said Dr. Zuberbühler, also of the University of St. Andrews.

“If she was truly interested in meeting with the best males, [a female chimp] should do all her calling during that narrow window when it matters,” Dr. Zuberbühler said. “But she doesn’t. She conceals the time of ovulation by calling throughout her cycle.”

Humans might not signal sexual availability through a clearly recognizable body change, but women definitely have ways of demonstrating interest. Like by wearing "True Love Waits" sweatpants.

Oral Sex Week, Part 2

Monica: My future husband just doesn't seem to like giving oral sex me: uh oh
Monica: we have been open talked about it
and he makes alot of effort
but his dislike comes out in his effort
we have a ridiculous sex life
amazing in every other way
what to do?
me: how does his dislike come out?
gagging?
Monica: hahaha
No more in a begrudging attitude
me: like, 'well, okay, i'll go down on you'?
Monica: yes

I've heard a lot of this lately: girls that just loooove giving blowjobs and somehow wind up with a boyfriend who, at best, begrudgingly goes downtown. I can understand this in the abstract because of ye olde argument that giving a good blowjob is an exercise in "power" and whatever. Why the converse isn't true for dudes, I'm not sure.

Of course there are guys like Dr. Ian Kerner, who just can't wrap their mouth around enough pussy. I'm reading his book, She Comes First, right now and his love for poon really comes through. It's good advice for anybody who's really motivated to make oral sex great, but I don't think it would convince those pussy-skeptics to really get into it.

Anonymous commenters, let's hear from you. I can understand that there are guys who might be, um, oriented away from oral sex but it just so happens that, in my sex life, those guys get oriented right back out the door.

Discuss.

Oral Sex Week, Part 1: Q: Why does my cum taste bad? A: Quit smoking!

Hey GTG
Sorry ahead of time, if I offend anyone...I'd much rather turn someone on than shake their tree of instilled values.
Have you heard about some supplement out of europe, for men and women, called 'the ropes' ?
Do you know if certain types of foods or 'new age supplements' like the ropes effect the way ones' cum tastes?
I am pretty excited about meeting you, here!
Ciao
Tyler

Dear Tyler,
I've read about "The Ropes" in what I imagine is the only publication read by dudes dumb enough to buy their product: Maxim. Not only do these herbal supplements never work, the reason cum looks all stringy in porn is because it's [supposedly] not cum at all but an external source of, say, hand cream, spurted out at the opportune moment.
In terms of the taste of cum, the things that are known to make it taste gross are nicotine (smoking affects the way your whole body tastes. yuck), alcohol, and asparagus. So if you're consuming any of those on a regular basis, try to give up smoking*.
After you've quit smoking, start drinking lots of water every day and eating fruit consistently. I've always heard a girl's tale about pineapple juice.
The herbal supplement you're talking about, SweetenZe, is a great way to blow $50 if you're looking for a way to lighten your wallet.
In conclusion: quit smoking and start chewing on pineapple to satisfy your oral fixation.
Love,
GTG

*I know quitting smoking is hard, but isn't the promise of more blow jobs worth it? The SweetenZe people promise "5 to 10 times more oral sex!!!!" and their product costs just about as much as Nicoderm.

R. Kelly Acquitted!!!

From CNN.com:

A Chicago jury has acquitted R. Kelly on all counts at his child pornography trial.

R. Kelly is accused of making a home sex video with an underage girl at his child pornography trial.

1 of 2 The verdict came six years after the R&B superstar was first charged with videotaping himself having sex with a young girl. Prosecutors had said she was as young as 13 at the time.

The Grammy award-winning singer dabbed his face with a handkerchief and hugged each of his four attorneys after the verdict was read. The singer had faced 15 years in prison if convicted.

Both Kelly and the now 23-year-old alleged victim had denied they were the ones appearing on the tape, which was played for the jury at the beginning and end of the trial.