Thursday, February 26, 2009

Remember the Iraq War? Yup, it's still on.

Thanks to my pals over at Quaker House for these photos. In case you've forgotten, the war in Iraq is still on and soldiers are still coming home (or not).

These are from Camp Lejeune in North Carolina. Soldiers' wives or girlfriends paint these sheets with "come hither" messages to greet their soldier coming home. I love it.

Visit Quaker House's site.

Friday, February 20, 2009

It's Friday! Morning boners, Eskimo tacos, and fake threesome fantasies

My sincerest apologies, dear readers, for being MIA the last few weeks. My day job gets tremendously busy around Valentine's Day so Go-To Girl has been busy busy. But I'm back, en force!

Three of you submitted questions this week so here they are.

This video features hedgehogs singing about some of the weirder vag-names I've ever heard. Prepare to laugh in pain.

Dear GTG,
A random conversation about eskimos led my boyfriend to proclaim that he could come up with 100 different names for vagina. Well, he only made it to 18 (and one of them was 'taco'). Are there 100 different names?
Sandy Chronic

Dear Sandy,
With almost 8 billion people in the world surely someone, somewhere, has had time to put together a list of more than 100 words for vagina. And Eureka! That someone is the late, great George Carlin. Here's a link to his full list.
I couldn't independently verify that George Carlin actually came up with this list, but it's attributed to him. Here are some of the ones I actually hadn't heard:
Ace of Spades
Girl Street
Love Sponge
Venus Highway
That oughta be enough to keep your dirty talk engine going for a while.

I love it when you drive down my Girl Street,
Go-To Girl

Dear GTG,
Morning boners are hard to ignore. Sometimes I want to play with it, but mostly I want to brush my teeth and wake up first. What is the proper morning wood etiquette? If there is there such a thing, I know you know. And can you answer by tomorrow morning?
Thanks go to girl, you are my hero!

Dear Mona,
I'm assuming from your letter that you're sleeping with someone who has a morning boner and that you yourself don't have one, so that's how I'm going to proceed. I've never heard of any general etiquette for how to handle the wakeup hard-on, but you can certainly ask this penis-owner you're waking up with what he'd like you to do. If he wakes up giving you a "See that? Isn't it big?" look, you should oblige him from time to time. But if not, rest assured that morning boners are mostly an unconscious body function and not an indication of I-want-to-fuckness, so you're not rejecting the friendly neighborhood erection if you get up and brush your teeth.

Squeeze my love sponge,

I am going crazy !! I really want my wife to do more with me. She has never given me a blow job, at least a complete one and I need that sooooo bad. But right now, I am dealing with wanting to actually engage in a sexual fantasy but am afraid of getting caught or hurting my marriage. Maybe at best I can get some feed back as to whether any other women would like my fantasy. It begins with two girls and myself. I want to watch the girls engage in 69 for a while, then I will join in by giving the girl on top a really good ass licking. From there we will exchange places as it goes on with everyone getting a turn at being on top, being on the bottom and being the one eating ass. The exchange where I will be on top, having my dick in a girls mouth and another licking my asshole is just too much for me. See, I am going crazy !!!
What do you think ??

Dear E.C.,
One of the giveaways that a letter is fake is when you can practically see the cum shot at the end of an email. But really? Your wife hasn't ever given you a blow job and you want to spring this totally porno fantasy on her? Good luck. If I were you, I'd check out one of the 10,000,000 threesome pornos out there.

You don't have a license to drive on my girl highway,

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Arlington County: Hometown Heroes

Thanks to fellow Arlingtonian J for this!

Those readers who know me personally know I hail from Arlington County (known to those of us who are natives as "The ARL"), the smallest (and greatest) county in the United States. Across the river from Washington, DC, Arlington has fantastic public schools (gooo, H-B Woodlawn!) due largely to the insane number of yuppie douchebags who pay high taxes but don't have children. That means that kids like me who came from working class families got to go to well-funded, kick-ass magnet schools.

My first memory of learning that sex education was controversial was in 5th grade when Ms. Cook taught our mandatory "Family Life Education" and I knew all the answers already, because my mom had taught us a class at church*. I shouted out answers like "condoms!" and "erection!" and "menstrual cramps!" and Ms. Cook called my mom to express her concern about how I "knew so much" at such a young age.

But Virginia was, like most states, caught up in the Abstinence Only Education frenzy of the Bush years and our relatively decent Family Life Education was rejected in favor of disproven ideological nonsense. Until hero-cum-governor Tim Kaine rejected the funding in 2007, that is. Now every jurisdiction in Virginia is required to conduct a study of the effects of the policy and figure out what needs to be done. DC's public radio station, WAMU, reports the story.

Being a natural leader, Arlington is the first county to finish the study and their results are startling:
  • a 19% increase in chlamydia cases
  • a 200% increase in syphilis cases
  • more than half of 12th graders are sexually active but fewer than 2/3 of those use condoms
Obviously. Teaching people that condoms don't work is a great way to ensure that they won't use them. Now begins the work of relearning these people. I guess I oughta call up my colleagues at my alma mater UVA and see if they need any help.

Lord only knows those suthunas don't need to be spreading syphilis.

*Quaker meeting

Monday, February 02, 2009

Sweaty Middle Aged Man Fetish?!

Thanks to the Onion for this week's hilarity scoop, 'Asian Teen Has Sweaty Middle Aged Man Fetish.' I love the idea of fetishes getting turned on their heads, like girls who just love to tire out their inner thigh muscles by giving foot jobs or prefer to use semen to moisturize their chest and neck. Right.

And now on to today's Q & A.

Dear Go-To Girl,

I'm hyper-conscious about using condoms and so is my boyfriend. In fact, he orders Crown condoms special from the internets because they're so great. But we're getting more serious and I've gone on the pill. I know I want to use another method just in case...what about Vaginal Contraceptive Film?


Dear Alicia,

Vaginal Contraceptive Film sounds like a great idea. It's thin, translucent, small, and dissolves in the vagina. But unfortunately VCF is a spermicide and spermicides are gross.

The pill is really, really effective. It prevents pregnancy by four different mechanisms, but the most important is that it inhibits ovulation. As long as you take it correctly (i.e., at the same time every day) you won't ovulate, and no egg means no baby.

If you don't feel comfortable having pill-only sex yet, keep using condoms. I know they make sex feel different, but so does childbirth. So relax, order another case of Crowns, and go forth and fuck appropriately.