What I'm Reading

Everyone knows I don't read books that aren't sex-related, and summer 2K8 is no exception. Here's a rundown of what I'm reading right now:

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships, by Tristan Taormino (author of the venerable Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women)

A full review of this book will be coming later, but this book, so far, is great. Tristan's writing style is clear, articulate, and focused and she's really done her homework by finding people all over the country that are in a rainbow's variety of relationships.
This book definitely gives monogamy a run for it's money.

Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex, by Mary Roach. (thanks for the gift, J!)

Mary Roach's book is a semi-historical look at 20th century sex researchers and the ways in which Science has been able to be more or less open over time about the kind of research it's doing. (Right now, we're in a "pretend it's psychology" phase, much like the 1940s) I don't think Roach likes Kinsey much, which, since he's my hero, makes me not love her. She's constantly referring to his missteps and why his career faltered like it's his own fault, not the result of a repressive 1950s environment and the increasing ballslessness of the Rockefeller Foundation, which had funded his work.

More sexy literature to follow.
Happy Summer!

Q: Should I forget about the guy with the plywood mattress? A: Yes

dear gtg,
this past spring, a good friend set me up with a friend of hers. goofy art kid without a decent full-time job and plywood board for a mattress. we slept together...a lot. i found it annoying that he would take eons to return my calls and would myspace message me instead of using email, but, quirky art kid, right?

we were having a grand old time until i left for a month-long trip. we said "see you later," and, while i joked with friends that i'd probably come back and he'd have a girlfriend, i was truly surprised when i got back and that's precisely what happened! am i wrong to think that, even if you're just having a good time with someone (whom you might like out of bed as much as in), wouldn't it be nice if they told you they were kinda on to someone else and basically using your cooter in the interim? because he didn't tell me himself, oh no. i found out through the friend who'd hooked us up, after i'd been back for a week!

whatever happened to courtesy and gentle ego-breaking rejection? the worst part: i still have it for this dude a little. it's maddening. so where did i go wrong? did i give the goods away too fast? was i, for however beautiful and awesome he kept telling me i was, not good enough? or should i just stay away from guys who sleep on plywood boards?

Sadly,
Princess In Madd Plywood

Dear PIMP,

I want you to visualize something for me. Pretend that, while you were gone on your trip, douchebag goofy art kid was laying, alone, on his plywood mattress, fantasizing about you and crying and jerking off til he couldn't feel anything anymore.

He is so distraught by your absence--indeed, he was so nervous about his feelings for you that he had to use MySpace messages instead of real email or the phone to get in touch with you--that he does the only thing a man can do: he sought comfort in the arms of another cooter.

He didn't reject you--you rejected him. You said, "See ya, biatch, I'm goin' on a trip." And he couldn't handle it. This very situation has happened to every girl--including me, this very summer--and believe me, the heartbroken men are legion, wandering the earth drunk-dialing their ex-girlfriends in our absence. But that's what life is like when you're a pimp. You can't get hung up on the last guy, or the guy whose fingers trembled too much to dial a phone, or the guy who slept on a plywood board, or the guy who "thought" he mentioned that he was going to visit his ex-girlfriend. He does all of these things because he's just that into you. And he can't handle it.

So, PIMP, you are the playa in this situation (as, as always, am I). It is up to you to pick yourself up by your lady-bootstraps and find a man with a real mattress and fingers that are functionally able to dial a telephone. And take comfort in the fact that this problem effects men the world over: He's Just Not That Into You has been translated into 37 languages, after all.

Love,
Go-To Girl

Girls Gone Wild!!! Q: Why don't American girls put out? A: Because you're an asshole.

All the way from The Continent:

Dear Go-To Girl,
Hey! I've been on my trip to Europe for a few weeks and I so totally miss you.
From my travels, I thought i´d take a moment to inform you all about the crappiness of american women. American women suck. They´re bred to believe they are all princesses, watching mtv reality shows and gay romance comedies. Some vestige of puritanism still exists today in the american mind, i know this because ive noticed on this trip that american girls don´t fuck. It´s true. I spent all last night in group of 15 americans, only 5 of which were guys, and some of the girls were all over the guys. did they fuck? I think you know the answer. Scenario B, ugly dudes in Madrid, European women sort of all over them, did they fuck? Yes, they fucked.

American girls get better though. It usually takes until about a year after college when they start to connect with the real world and get over themselves. Agreed?

I can´t say im not writing this out of anger, because i wasted an entire fucking night hanging out with american girls, slowly realizing that they´re not fuck friendly, watching myself and my other male compatriots be ceaselessly teased and taunted until the very end, when we all walked back together, alone. What the fuck? Compare this to the night prior, same exact situation, replace American girls with european girls, everyone gets laid. Fucking americans.

i´m quite hungover, so excuse the poor grammer and composition.
thank you, and goodnight.

Love,
You-Know-Who (Trevor)

Dear YKW,
You're so sweet; I'm so flattered that you thought to write and tell me about how much you hate American girls and how honest you were about your poor spelling and grammar skills.

But back to your question: Obviously, these particular American girls were looking for something that you and your D just couldn't provide. And if they were just "ceaselessly teasing" you, why didn't you just leave? Because you were hoping they'd get drunk enough and/or turned on enough by your simmering bitterness to want to take you home and fuck you? Simmering bitterness definitely isn't what I look for in a man [except in you, of course]; perhaps you should've pretended you were Spanish.

I think there's a good analogy to be made here between poontang and fast food. You're basically the guy who goes all the way to Europe to go to McDonald's and expects the food to taste different than back in [place you live]. But you know what? You ought to be eating paella til you throw up and saving your desire for burgers and fries til you get home.

The last time I was abroad I did in fact meet an American guy. But in contrast to your situation, he was the complete opposite of the kind of guy I would date in America. My friends and family called him "Captain College." But I digress. The point is that traveling abroad makes you change your priorities and preferences such that up is down and down is up. I'd be willing to bet that any one of the American MTV-reality-show-watching Puritanical Princesses would have taken you home and fucked you if you were home in [place you live].

But then again, I'm not your typical American gal; perhaps that's why you emailed me. I guess next time you should offer them a thong if they'll kiss eachother or show you their tits; the Girls Gone Wild thing seems to know no bounds. But until then, I'd stick to paella while you've got it.

Best of Luck,
Go-To Girl

Q: Do girls always like assholes? A: She's just not that into you.

(via voice mail)
Dear GTG,
Is it true that girls just like assholes? I mean, if girls like assholes, then does that mean that when girls like me it's because I'm being an asshole? And, conversely, if girls don't like me, does it mean that I'm not an asshole, and that some other guy is an asshole, and that she likes him and not me because I'm not an asshole? I don't get it. Can you help?
Trevor
PS I love you

Dear Trevor,
Thanks! I'm flattered. This is the question that boys always ask about girls, and I think that the conventional wisdom holds that girls don't like assholes but really like nice guys but sometimes it just appears that they like assholes when a nice guy, like you, isn't getting any 'tang. But I'm here to challenge that notion with what might be a heartbreaking revelation: it's not that she likes assholes, it's that she's just not that into you. Sorry. I know that's hard to hear.
But let's examine the meaning of the word "asshole": according to dictionary.com, "asshole" means contemptible, stupid, horrible, irritating, detestable, or mean. None of those things are likable traits, so of course girls don't like assholes. They just don't like you, and you think that the guys they do like are assholes. But when girls like you and not some other guy, that other guy thinks you're an asshole. Am I blowing your mind yet?
Girls like confidence. And confidence, when you're feeling insecure, looks an awful lot like asshole. But it's not. And nice guys actively trying not to be assholes in order to win over the girl who likes the guy you think is an asshole not only don't finish last, they don't finish at all.
So keep your chin up. This girl won't come around, but the next one will.
Love,
GTG

By popular demand: The Rules of Queer Dating, Part 2

Apparently queers everywhere are so eager for me to tell them what to do about their relationships that I felt compelled to add a few more rules to The Rules. But the first and foremost Rule bears repeating: Be a creature unlike any other. Which leads nicely into my next rule:
14: "Resist the 'Urge to Merge.'" This applies particularly to gals: you shouldn't have the same haircut, borrow each other's clothes, or start looking alike. And don't wear matching outfits. Please.
15: "Don't get too intimate." Call me old fashioned, but I feel very strongly that all bathroom-oriented activities should be done privately, with the door closed. Even if you've just fucked someone senseless and seen every part of their body naked, allow them the dignity of doing their business alone. Same goes for using gendered, multi-stall bathrooms: for the love of god, don't stall up next to each other. That's just gross.
16: "Accept only one cancellation." I follow this religiously: just ask the [person] who cancelled on me twice in one week. S/he's dead to me now. Being queer doesn't make the repeated cancellation of previously made plans any less completely fucking rude. If someone you're dating keeps breaking dates with you, it's because they don't want to date you.
17: "Don't forget you don't have to settle down and move to the suburbs." Being queer used to be about not doing what everyone else did, mostly because queer people weren't allowed to. But nothing upsets me more than breeder gays and lesbians. I mean, live and let live, and if they want to get all HRC on us and pretend that nothing but gay marriage matters, so be it, but don't let them brainwash you into thinking that that's what a grown up queer life has to be like. You might be surprised to know that you can buy china and flatware if you're single. Crate & Barrel doesn't discriminate.
18: "Don't date someone who pressures you to have kids." Straight men know this; most of them will run away if a woman talks about babies too soon. This seems particularly intense with lesbians, perhaps because of what my dad calls "baby noises" that women begin to hear at some point. Some women hear them more loudly than others, and some (like me) only hear sirens. But if you're ambivalent about having children and you're dating someone who is not, say so. Children that endure gay and lesbian parental "divorce" suffer no less than those whose straight parents break up.
For further reading:
"The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right," by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider
"He's Just Not that Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys," by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

The Rules of Queer Dating, part 1

1: "Be a creature unlike any other." Could anything be more appropriate for queers? "Creature" necessarily allows room for genderfucking, so this book is great for y'all. So get your drag on, dress up as that Asian gal from The Holograms, or a greaser mechanic, whatever.
2: "Don't stare at [people] or talk too much." Unless you're going to walk up to someone and tell them you want to take them home, don't stare. It's just not polite.
3: "Don't meet [them] halfway or go dutch on a date." Call me old fashioned, but I'm a femme and I expect to be taken out. Non-heteronormative of gender-binary-abiding people can figure this one out on their own, but somebody should just pay. There's nothing more gauche than talking about money.
4: "Don't call [them] and rarely return [their] calls." Again, this is classic hard to get. I believe that a ratio of 2 calls to 1 is good. And calls beget more calls, and I hate being on the phone.
5: "Always end phone calls first." Do this. Seriously.
6: "No more than casual kissing on the first date." This is playing hard to get with yourself. Do you really deserve to get laid right away? Doubtful.
7: "Don't expect to change a [person] or try to change [them]." This is especially key for readers of the bio-girl persuasion. For some reason, XX's make people believe that someone's "potential" is who they actually are, or that if they just quit smoking or just started listening to your favorite band, that they'll be perfect. Not so.
8: "DON'T TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS." Seriously. Be mysterious. Unless there's a real reason to make "I feel..." statements, don't.
9: "Don't live with a [person] or leave your things at [their] apartment." There is one exception to this rule, and it involves coffee. No toothbrushes, no dildos, no scented candles.
10: "Don't buy collective sex toys." This is the same principle as living with someone: when you break up, you'll have the awkward situation of dividing custody of harnesses and dildos and, in the end, nobody ends up with a full set.
11: "Don't date a married [person]." Or date someone who's in an "open," "nonmonogamous," or "polyamorous" relationship. Those relationships are primary relationships with someone who is not you.
12: "Don't sleep together every day." Hello, U-Haul? Take a day off every now and then. Like two or three times a week at least.
13: "First dates (or hookups) should not last more than 48 hours." Party plus sleeping in plus brunch plus back to bed for round two plus sleeping over again equals just about 36 hours. Keep it at that.

Monogamophobia? Here's the cure

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