Wednesday, April 30, 2008

No Bikini this Season? Take a Nakation!

Go-To Girl has tussled with nudists before, and she cannot tell a lie: GTG is not comfortable being naked around people she is not imminently going to have sex with. Particularly men. Boxers or briefs, she doesn't care which--guys are so much more appealing in underwear than naked.

So imagine our surprise that the New York Times covered the rise in "nudist vacations," or, cleverly, "Nakations." Now we here at Go-To HQ are pro-rights and whatnot; a swinger vacay? Go for it! But a "nonsexual" naked vacation? Not so sure. Perhaps we're more prudish than we thought.

Activities included in these upscale nudie vacays:
Clothing-optional flights to a clothing-optional resort in the Baltics

Nude mountain biking (!)

Nude transcending of social class

Want to plan a nekkid vacation? Check out the American Association for Nude Recreation. And send us a postcard.

Monday, April 28, 2008

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times:

"Human trafficking" advocacy is about ending prostitution, not protecting women.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Q: Can Girls Get Blue Balls? A: Yes, Yes, YES

Dear Go-To Girl,

I've heard that old excuse from guys a million times about how it "hurts so much" if you don't "give them a little hand-job" and after you've "teased them all night" can't you just "keep me from getting blue balls"? But lo and behold, after hooking up with this guy last night and teasing (eachother) for hours, I had the most awful dull pain in my pelvis after he went home.

Is this girl blue balls? Is that possible?



Dear Jenn,

I know what you mean. I know a gal that, if she doesn't come, is overwhelmed with a feeling of, "If you don't get out of my room RIGHT NOW I am going to punch you in the face [with my vibrator]." But she's one of the 25% of women who actually regularly has an orgasm from sex so she knows what it feels like when she doesn't have one.

The short answer to your question is that yes, women can experience "blue balls." Some giant percentage of women don't have orgasms from vaginal sex anyway (and I'm sorry for that, ladies, really) so I think they probably don't identify any bad feelings after sex as related to not having an orgasm.

The pelvic area (and your vaginal and clitoral erectile tissue, specifically) fills up with blood when you're aroused, and having an orgasm releases that blood back into your body. If you don't come, it stays around and kind of slowly leaks out, which is what that achy feeling is.

As any guy will tell you, once the blue balls has set in, having an orgasm won't make it go away. So you've just gotta live with it.

And next time, play with your damn clit during sex. That's what it's there for.

PS-Get the fuck out of my room!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Point: Boys Have a Penis; Counterpoint: Girls Have a Vagina

"Boys Have a Penis," by Barack Obama

Hope, change, hope, change, hopechange. America!: I'm here today-uh to tell you an important truth about contemporary Americ-uh. For far too long bipartisan politics as usual in Washington have kept this hopetruth out of the hands of the American people who, as they demonstrated in South Carolina, Virginia, and some of the other small states I won, desperately want to know this truth.

Here it is.

Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.

Two hundred and twenty one years ago, in a hall that still stands across the street, a group of men gathered and, with these simple words, launched America's improbable experiment in democracy. Farmers and scholars; statesmen and patriots who had traveled across an ocean to escape tyranny and persecution finally made real their declaration of independence at a Philadelphia convention that lasted through the spring of 1787.

Every one of those men had a penis. None of them had a vagina.


"Girls Have a Vagina," by Hillary Clinton

Good afternoon, America! Isn't this the most beautiful day? I hope you're holding on to your seats, because I've got a 45 minute speech here all about healthcare reform. I'm sure many of you in the audience have struggled with your health or--for some of you--your insurance company at some point in your lives. Americans are fed up with our overblown national spending on healthcare. Our present system is outdated, ineffective, and unsustainable.

But there is good news, America. We are Americans! We can solve problems! We just need to roll up our sleeves and get to work! It's what we do best! There is one key to our success, and I'm holding it: girls have a vagina.

Yes, America, certain other candidates in this race don't want you to know--they're going on and on about delegates and superdelegates and taking the vote away from Florida and Michigan, but I will promise you today that I will never renounce my position on this issue:

Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.

That's change we can use.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008


For those of you who aren't trying to sound conceited or anything but just, you know, find Magnums more comfortable but don't like that paper bag on your cock feeling, I have amazing news: Trojan Magnum is now available in THIN!

I'll get on the horn and see if I can't get a box of these guys to try out. I was a fan of the Ultra Thins back before I discovered the Kimono Type E, so I'm sure these are great for those guys who, you know, just find the Magnum more comfortable.

BREAKING NEWS: New R. Kelly Album to Drop this Summer

Chi-Town, People

For those of you (and/or me) for whom 2007's "Double Up" was not nearly enough R. Kelly to last 14 calendar months, fear not: Kels' new album, "12 Play: Fourth Quarter" will drop this summer.

According to Billboard, the first single, "Hair Braider," will debut at #1 on this week's Hot R & B/Hip Hop chart.

Considering Kels' increasingly complicated hair braids over the years, I can only imagine that he has a lot to say about his intimate relationship with the lady(ies) who do his hair. It looks as though he's gone platinum for this new album.

I promise to listen to this song as soon as possible so you don't have to.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Snake Oil Alert: This is not 10-10-50

Okay, guys, don't be taken in by this. A professional wrestler-cum-Fox News financial commentator has "invented" a sexual stamina beverage.
Mr. Layfield...enjoyed a successful run as a professional wrestler before reinventing himself as a financial whiz and beverage impresario.

He's also from Texas. And this is his reason for making the normally boozy drink okay for underage guys:
“Show me an 18-year-old guy who doesn’t want to be a sexual tyrannosaurus,” he said.
I mean, tyrannosaurus? I realize that we here in Texas don't have the best primary school education but I don't think of "Long, Hard, Hot, and most importantly Long" when I think of Mr. T. Rex. I think of overly aggressive, loud, blows his load right away, and giant teeth. I don't think "carnivore" means "likes to eat pussy." And those tiny little hands!

And at $23.99 a 6-pack, why not just buy some weed?

Friday, April 18, 2008

One of These Things is Not Like the Other

Sheriff-cum-pimp Mike Burgess.

Really? I mean, really? You've got to be fucking kidding me. This douchebag traded leniency in sentencing for female prisoners in exchange for sexual favors. The media is calling it "sex slavery" which I suppose, since they were in custody, makes sense--but it also raises some of those old nagging questions about the difference between sex slavery/human trafficking and prostitution. (Hint: in one scenario, women are agents and in the other they are paternalistically protected by law enforcement because they have made no choices. Both are about persecuting prostitutes.)

Apparently, if convicted of all counts, he could be sentenced to 467 years in prison. But he oughta get along just fine in jail; if he plays his cards right, he could get all the free blowjobs he wants.

Anyhoo, this is a great way to start the weekend. I've just been inundated with cowboy hats this week. Must be all that Queer As Folk I've been watching. I don't know what this says about me, but Brian Kinney is just unbelievably hot. I'm no fag hag, but damn.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

What I'm Reading

It's been a while since I've done one of these and Go-To Girl's got two great books on her bedside table.

First up: Forbidden Fruit: Sex and Religion in the Lives of American Teenagers, by GTG's new pal Mark Regnerus. This book is so popular that GTG had to be put on the wait list for it at the library and only got to check it out for a week. So Mark graciously gave me a signed copy. I haven't finished it yet, so I can't tell you how it ends but chapters 1-4 are un-put-downable. At least, for me and the 5 other people in America who care about sex and religion in the lives of American teenagers (Tiffany, I'm looking at you). But really, it's fascinating. Not mind-numbingly scholarly at all.

The good news for sex is that religion doesn't really seem to make much difference for the vast majority of teenagers; there's a small number of the "truly devout" who actually--gasp--wait til marriage and, I assume, each other. I think the number of people I've ever met in my life who actually waited til marriage (or intend to) is exactly two.

Here's the big question: does God reward those who wait until marriage by making the ordinarily brief and awkward First Time not weird and painful but instead long, hot, and...well, worth waiting for?

Hopefully that'll be in the next book.

Secondly: Couples, by John Updike. I don't remember where I read about this book; perhaps somewhere in the Eliot Spitzer scandal. Couples details the lives of suburban swinger couples and was published in 1968. It's not about the freaky deaky free love sixties, but the "it's practically still the fifties" early sixties. Not a one-handed read or anything, but it sure is interesting to think about this book being traded around amongst housewives in Brookline.

Though Updike's portrayal isn't all sex and roses, the inclusion of swinging does make suburban mom-and-dad-plus-two life sound slightly more tolerable. I wonder if the couples in the book waited until marriage.

That's all for now.
Happy reading!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

*Yawn* Latest DC Prostitution Scandal Ends with Guilty Verdict *Yawn*

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Paging Senator David Vitter (R-LA): Your Madam has been convicted. How your douchebag ass didn't get dragged through the mud is beyond belief; but here we are, once again: the Madam is guilty, the bible-thumping, hypocrisy-spewing, gay-persecuting Louisiana Senator client merely apologizes.

Look, GTG loves Washington; indeed, it's her hometown. But seriously, sometimes it's boring. The bars close early, the metro stops running at 12; what's a bored suburban househusband/worthless Senator to do? Surely smoking cigars at Old Ebbit Grill with the guys (well, before the DC smoking ban, anyway) gets old after a while.

GTG used to work the front desk at the Washington City Paper to which, back in the dark ages before Craigslist Casual Encounters , all the call girls came every Monday afternoon to place their Adult Services ads. And, believe me, those girls entertained well. Most of 'em were real nice gals, too. The pimps were alright; not every man can carry off a baby blue rabbit fir Kangol jacket.

I'm just sayin': it's fundamentally unfair to prosecute the madams (pimps never seem to have well-publicized trials, though I assure you they run the majority of "escort" or "massage" businesses) and not the johns who hire them. Paying money for sex is just as much a crime as soliciting it. And, come on, sometimes married people get lonely and want some 'tang. Is that so wrong?

At least when Democrats like Eliot Spitzer get caught up in prostitution scandals they have the good sense to resign.

Yes, there are gay escorts in Washington, too. Ask Larry Craig.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

This is a toughie: Teacher-Sex-Scandals

(Hot For) Math Teacher Stephanie Ragusa

So, surprise, another teacher has been busted for having sex with an underage male student. I mean, whatevs. But the difference between Stephanie Ragusa and Mary Kay LeTourneau is that MKT was in love with her student/lover and married him after she got out of jail; Ragusa seems to just like a little bit of underaged cock from time to time.

Since I defend R. Kelly and his (alleged) sexual encounters with (allegedly) underaged girls, I'll entertain a defense of Ragusa and boy.

First of all, can we agree that these teacher-sex cases demonstrate that the idea that women are only attracted to older or equal-age men is a myth? Our sexual scripts are so narrowly defined that we are shocked--utterly shocked--that a woman of a certain age could be attracted to and--gasp!--have sex with a much younger man.

I'll admit, Ragusa sounds pretty predatory. But the charges are pretty hot, though: five counts of lewd and lascivious battery.

It's not Whiskey-dick; It's Effexor

Anorexia? Sexual Dysfunction? Anxiety? This is treatment?

From today's New York Times:

Coming of Age on Antidepressants addresses the concerns of psychiatrists (or, some psychiatrists--I've never been convinced psychiatrists have many concerns about anything) about the long term use of antidepressants beginning in childhood or early adolescence.

While the part I care about (the sex part) isn't until the end, it's a zinger:

Beyond these concerns, there are other important issues to consider in long-term use of antidepressants, especially in young people. One patient, a woman in her mid-20s, told me that she felt pressured by her boyfriend to have sex more often than she wanted. “I’ve always had a low sex drive,” she said.

For the past eight years she had been taking Zoloft, which like all the antidepressants in its class is known to lower libido and to interfere with sexual performance. She had understandably mistaken the side effect of the drug for her “normal” sexual desire and was shocked when I explained it: “And I thought it was just me!”

Drug companies and psychiatrists try to minimize the sexual side effects of antidepressants; at times, for good reason. A lower sex drive beats suicide, at least in the short term. But in the long term, the experience of low sex drive and/or reduced (or eliminated) orgasmic ability can be enough to cause relationship meltdown and, guess what? More depression.

I'm glad someone is paying attention to this. So many college students take antidepressants that the population-level effect of the sexual side effects is mind-boggling. Take heart, guys: it might not be whiskey dick after all: it's Effexor!

Monday, April 14, 2008

Q: Broken penis A: Probably not

Dear Go To Girl,
Can you break a dick by landing on it funny?
-Just Curious

Hey there C,

By "landing on it funny" do you mean, say, a stripper giving a lapdance who totters in her 6" heels and falls into a guy's lap? Or "landing on it funny" during sex? While yes, it is possible to break a penis by "landing on it funny" I think if the guy in question had in fact broken his penis he would've immediately been like, "HOLY FUCK!" From what I understand, it's just about the most painful thing the cock-havers can imagine.

So a broken penis situation looks like this:
1. Guy has hard-on
2. Girl/Guy partner proceeds to have sex from such an angle that the penis in question bends
3. Penis goes "pop!"
4. Ouch! Internal bleeding, tremendous pain, a bend in the cock that won't go away

To treat a broken penis, go to the emergency room, stat. We don't have universal health care in this country, but we've got armies of urologists who can protect the all-important penis. And you probably won't even have to pay a co-pay.


Thursday, April 10, 2008

Miley Cyrus is a Virgin!!

I read the bible so you don't have to: 1 Thessalonians 4:3 (New International Version)
3 It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality

OMG! Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers are virgins!!! This obnoxious video from tells of the "new trend" in Hollywood of stars that are approximately 15 years old "deciding" not to have sex. Which, I guess, is a good thing for all those 9 year old girls who went out and tried to emulate Jamie Lynn Spears after she got knocked up.

Particularly loathsome is the "clinical psychologist" Dr. Judy Kurianski who's just "thrilled" that these "young role models" are choosing not to have sex. They even wear purity rings! Paging Dr. Kurianski: you're only choosing to have sex if you have the opportunity to have sex and turn it down. That's why abstinence pledges don't work; most of the kids who take them haven't been presented with sex yet.

But the research, as my good pals Peter Bearman and Hannah Bruckner showed, tells us approximately 98% of those who pledge do in fact have sex before marriage. And the kicker is that they're more likely to get STIs when they do have sex because in all their fervor for "abstinence" they never pick up a book about condoms. oughta invite people who are, like, semi-familiar with the subject when they do interviews; Dr. Judy says, completely erroneously, the the "public declaration" of your intention not to have sex before marriage makes you "accountable" to that decision. Actually, Dr. J, the opposite is true.

For further reading:
"After the promise: The STD consequences of adolescent virginity pledges." Journal of Adolescent Health, Volume 36 , Issue 4 , Pages 271 - 278. H . Br├╝ckner , P . Bearman

Monday, April 07, 2008

From the Times...

This Sunday's touching article about a marriage counseling effort among Army officers reminds us of our own documentation of the war's effects on couples, which you can read about here, and here, .

The basic lesson, of course, is that war is bad for those who endure it. But I applaud the Army for trying to help these marriages.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Sex Toys in Paris

Not Paris Hilton, you pervs!

Dear Go-To Girl,

Do you or any of your friends know of any good sex toy stores in Paris?

World Traveller

Dear WT,

While I have been to Paris and, I think, made a point of going to what my guidebook said was the "gay" district, I can't remember seeing any sex toy stores.

But seriously, I found this store, Rebecca Rils, "la boutique des plaisirs de feminin."

Looking at their prices for toys with which I'm familiar, it looks like the exchange rate is going to really get you if you buy toys in Paris. For instance, the Freshvibe costs 55 Euros and the nearly identical version at Babeland is $62.

Given the Euro/Dollar exchange rate, that vibrator will cost you $86.54 if you buy it in Paris. Yikes. But hey; when you need a vibrator you need a vibrator.

Good luck!


Thursday, April 03, 2008

The Ugly Face of the Obesity Epidemic...

Plus-size Miss England contestant (and hottie) Chloe Marshall. obnoxious, skinny, dietician beauty pageant judges. This article from the British Daily Mail about this year's plus-size contestant for the Miss England title makes clear that they hate fat people in England just as much as we do here. Here are some choice comments from the writer/dietician/bitch, Monica Grenfell:
But as a dietician I am so worried about the damage her well-oiled publicity machine is doing that I think it's vital to speak out.

In my view, Chloe is a terrible role model.

I hope she doesn't win the Miss England title.

It would send an appalling - and very dangerous - message to other young women that it's OK to be fat.

I'm no fat activist, but damn. This is totally inappropriate. And girl is hot! I hope she does win.

Condom Song - Telugu

This is hilarious. I should invite these guys to my next Safer Sex Methods Costume Party.

Thanks, Scientists: 10-10-50 is Real!

Thanks, L, for this tip:

Sex Takes 3 to 13 Minutes, Study Says
, from

I know, I know, my poll conclusively proved that I'm only right about the 10-10-50 Rule, like, 75% of the time. Fine. But I maintain that a lot of guys, particularly the young'uns that I see, need to be released from the "Harder, Longer, More, and, Most Importantly, Longer" sex paradigm that they can't possibly live up to.

Don't believe me? Glance at the "Sex and Relationships" page of Men'

The first four articles on the page are:

"Maximize Your Sexual Stamina"

"10 Painless Ways to Last Longer in Bed"

"Tease and Please All of Her Erogenous Zones to Give Her an Amazing Orgasm"

and, lastly:

"Make it Hotter, Longer, and Better"

So the study from may not convince you, but really: just look at the clock. Entry to exit, sex just doesn't take that long. So relax.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Point: There is no condom for the heart; Counterpoint: There is no heartbreak for the vagina

"There is No Condom For the Heart!!!" by Janie Fredell, co-President, True Love Revolution, Harvard University (oooh, I go to Harvard)

Look, people. I know you think you like going out on Saturday night, getting wasted, and hooking up with that guy from Chi Phi or the Krokodiles.
Maybe you even use a trusty Trojan handed out to you by Student Health Services or the Safer Sex Club. Way to go. As you know, condoms protect against pregnancy and disease. (Most of the time)

But what you might not know, dear, sweet, ladyreader, is that there is no condom for the heart.

The science on this has been suppressed by the liberal academic elite at places like Harvard, but it is a well known fact that
"Sexual activity in both men and women involves the release of powerful bonding hormones that are designed to help married couples stay together permanently and trust each other.13 Within marriage, these bonds are a cause of joy and marital harmony; but for non-married couples, such bonds can cause serious problems. When these relationships come to an end, the partners often feel a palpable sense of loss, betrayed trust, and unwelcome memories. This is information that you will rarely hear from sexual health groups that promote safe sex, because "there is no condom for the heart."14"

So you should stop having sex. It's gross anyway. Abstinence is fun!

"There is no Heartbreak for the Vagina," by Go-To Girl, sex blogger, R. Kelly expert, condom pusher

It is a well known fact that there is no condom for the heart. When I got the news about this "breakthrough" of the Medical Institute for Sexual Health, right here in Austin, I made a phone call to my favorite cardiologist/love doctor to ask him about it. Here's a selection from our long, intense, heated interview session.

Me: "Dr. Feelgood, is it true? There's no condom for the heart?"

Dr. Feelgood: "Hey baby. Don't you worry 'bout your heart. You're so pretty. There is no condom for the heart but, girl, there's no way you'll feel heartbreak in your vagina. I'll be so gentle. Semen can't even travel to your heart. The female reproductive system only has one exit."

Me: "So you're saying that there's no direct line from the uterus to the part of the heart that feels feelings?"

Dr. Feelgood: "Kitten, let's not talk. C'mere. And oxytocin affects the brain, anyway."

I'm convinced.