Don't Tell R. Kelly: There's a New Game in Town

This Saturday. Emo's. Foot Patrol, Austin's own "foot fetish funk band." Don't tell Kells--he might break up with me--but I'm super excited about this show. Review to come.

Little Used Masturbation Tool: The Butt Plug

Q: My boyfriend wants to try anal sex but I'm terrified that it'll hurt too much. Is there anything I can do to make it easier? I already took your advice and bought Maximus lube.

Mimi

Dear Mimi,

Few people would think to include anal play in their masturbation repetoire, but exploring your backdoor yourself is a good way to get comfortable with the idea of having something in there and realize how good it can feel.

Tristan Taormino, author of the must-read The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, writes on her website:

Decide to work your way up to one finger, two, or a small butt plug on your first try; that way, you won't rush things. Going too fast or trying to do too much is a surefire route to pain and discomfort, which we don't want. Practice a few times with fingers or small toys before you whip [the] dick out.

The more of this practice you do on your own, the better prepared you'll be to know how you'll respond when you start to go anal with your boyfriend.

As a bonus, butt plugs take up space inside the pelvis that makes it a whole lot easier to reach the G-spot with your fingers, vibrator, dildo, or whatever toy you're using.

The best thing you can do to get your body psyched for anal sex is to have an orgasm with a butt plug or fingers in your ass. That teaches your body that pleasure and orgasm are possible with anal sex--something that you'll be happy to have learned before anyone puts their cock in your ass.

Good luck!

Go-To Girl

PS-Maximus is the best.

Not Just for Teenagers Anymore: The Handjob

These sexy black gloves come in sizes XS-XL and will keep STI germs off your body.

Dear Go-To Girl,

I have genital herpes and when I have an outbreak, I have the hardest time getting over feeling "infected" and pleasuring my boyfriend. Obviously we can't have sex, and I can't stand dental dams. What the hell should we do to each other?

Love,

Helen

Dear Helen,

Congratulations! You're at the point where you're smart enough to know that you really, really shouldn't have sex when you have a herpes outbreak. You're officially an adult. I've got good news for you: handjobs are not the clumsy, long-nailed disaster that you remember from the summer after 8th grade.

If you're a regular reader, chances are you already own a copy of The Guide to Getting it On, so get it out and flip to page 123.

If this is you: "Handjobs? Seriously?" consider this:

"Hopefully, by the end of this chapter you will be thinking, 'Any girl can give him a blow job, but I'm the only one who can give him a handjob that makes him want me more than he's ever wanted any woman." (page 123)

Legally, I can't print much more of the book here but here are a few basics:

1. Buy lube (he might not like it or need it, but have it on hand just in case)

2. Cut (and file) your goddamn fingernails

3. Surprise him somewhere--the kitchen, a movie theater, in the car

And if you don't have kleenex handy, use your mouth.

Q: Help! I've never had an orgasm; A: Masturbation Week to the Rescue!

The vibrating cock ring is your friend.

Dear Go-To Girl,

I've never been able to masturbate, meaning that touching myself doesn't set off any physical reaction. Well, now that I've been having intercourse (vaginal and otherwise), I can't orgasm. Having never done so before, I can't tell for sure that I've ever been close, but the times I thought I was I can count on my fingers.

I'm very frustrated, and sex has become a source of some tension for me. It seems like it's so easy for everyone else to Orgasm, and I just can't. I find myself wanting to have sex less often, because my partner will orgasm, and I won't.

Can you help?

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

First things first--it is a myth that sex without orgasm is 'bad sex' or 'not quite there sex.' Not everyone--male or female--has orgasms ever, much less regularly. So if you're concerned about whether you fit into the box of what female sexual response should be, throw that box out the fucking window. If you enjoy sex the way you have it and you feel pleasure, you don't need to put yourself under pressure to have an orgasm.

But if you want to have an orgasm during sex, then you absolutely need to have one on your own, when you're alone, when you're not feeling pressure to produce one to validate the sex you're having with your boyfriend.

First, invest in a good vibrator (see yesterday's post) and some erotica or porn that you like. Once you get some stuff you like (if you want printed erotica, try the penthouse letters series, which you can get at any Barnes & Noble or Borders), get some time by yourself when you won't be distracted and let yourself get turned on.

In terms of physical response, you might feel some heat in your area, you might start to get wet, or you might even feel what seems like cramps around your vagina (this is the result of blood rushing to the area; it's nothing to be scared of). Use the vibrator on your clitoris and other parts of your vulva to see what feels good. Some people really like direct clitoral stimulation and some don't. Hopefully practicing with a vibrator will help you get close.

When you feel comfortable using your vibrator, try using it on your clitoris when you're having sex with your boyfriend. He can also get a cock ring that has a little vibrator on it so that you can stimulate your clit during sex without having to hold something in your hand. You can get them at the drugstore in the condom section.

So...hopefully that will help you get started.

To recap:
1. buy some erotica/porn
2. buy a vibrator
3. read/watch and masturbate
4. repeat

*If, by any chance, you are taking certain types of antidepressants, orgasm will be virtually impossible. Read more about that here.

Welcome to Masturbation Week!

No, this isn't me. (but it sure does kinda look like me...)

In keeping with the tradition of answering lingering fishbowl questions, I've decided to take the fishbowl theme of masturbation and bring it to the blog for the whole week.

Here we go!

Q: Do you have any sex toys?

A: Dear God, yes. I have multiple tiers of sex toys: those that are in regular, day-to-day rotation, those that are relaxing-evening-at-home toys, and those that I've tried, rejected, and are just laying around taking up space in my giant walk-in closet.

You can see reviews of toys I've written and posted here.

In Go-To Girl's own arsenal are the following:

Regular Rotation:


The Babeland Silver Bullet. Cheap, powerful, and versatile, this bullet is a stand-by. At the bargain price of $15 I've been happy to replace it as necessary--once a year or so.


O'My Natural Lubricant. Not my favorite lube for anal (see Maximus) but generally good all around; not too thin, doesn't taste gross or smell bad. Lube, obviously, is a must. And the pump top and the pretty bottle make it both convenient (believe me--when you're at the moment that you need lube, you don't want to bother unscrewing a top) and discreet (for when you forget to put it away when your friends/family are coming to spend the night).


Occasional:


The Dynamic Duo Bullet is just like the regular bullet, except it has two bullets for double the fun.


Tex. Best. Dildo. Ever. $96 and worth every fucking penny. It's silicone so it can be heated up or cooled down and is sterilizable.


Cock rings. They come with the harness but sometimes they come in really handy.


The Tantus Ryder butt plug. Totally awesome. Silicone and sterilizable.


The Tantus Silk dildo. Silicone and sterilizable.


Sportsheets Velvet Harness. For dildos. Machine-washable.


Smart Balls. These are new so I'm not entirely sure that I like them yet. But they're supposed to strengthen your muscles and stuff.

Practically in the Trash:

The Ideal which is incredibly loud and super-powerful. Really, it's just better as a massager. A back massager.


The Cone. I just can't figure this thing out.

Good Summer News: Watermelon Helps Hard-Ons!

Via Discovery News, is the best summer food-related news I've heard all month.

"Arginine boosts nitric oxide, which relaxes blood vessels, the same basic effect that Viagra has, to treat erectile dysfunction and maybe even prevent it," said Bhimu Patil, a researcher and director of Texas A&M's Fruit and Vegetable Improvement Center.

"Fruit and Vegetable Improvement Center"? That sounds like a fancy way of saying "Genetic Modification" to me. Maybe they've actually just bred Viagra into these watermelons?

Book Review: It's Called A Breakup Cause It's Broken

My advice to those who come to me with questions about their relationships is, perhaps too often, "Break up!" Whether the question is, "Is having a threesome with my boyfriend a good way to put the spark back into our sex life? (by the way, we're 20)*" or "My boyfriend, who I want to marry, hates performing oral sex on me. Is that bad?" I usually draw a line in the sand and say, "Dump the motherfucker already!" (Thanks, Dan)

As a documented fan of He's Just Not That Into You, I eagerly read It's Called A Breakup Cause It's Broken, looking forward to more of author Greg Behrendt's harsh, "this is what the guys never tell you" wit.

Just like HJNTIY, ICABCIB is pure gold for the first 80 pages or so. He and wife Amiira write about the different stages of breakups in a way I've not seen before. There's the obvious "He told me he wants to break up" scenarios and then the less obvious "He hasn't told you yet, but he's being an asshole so you'll break up with him, and that means he's broken up with you."

They include "Psycho Confessional" and Q & A from readers that, sadly, most readers would identify with.

The second half of the book is about how to do a "Breakover" and make yourself into the "SuperFox" you really are. I couldn't be bothered to read that part, so I can't tell you how it ends. But the beginning is harsh advice that, just like HJNTIY, everyone--male or female, straight, gay, or queer--should read.

And, for the love of G-d, DTMFA!


*For the record, if you're 20 and you find yourself in need of a "spark" in your relationship, DTMFA!!! At your age, it should be all spark, no relationship.

Book Review: She Comes First: I came. I read. I puked.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Oral Sex Week, Part 3: The Conflict Continues

The privileges of being on GTG's GoogleChat list:

Monica: I have some news on the going dtown front.. too

me: ohh!
let's hear it

Monica: Working at work!

me: i know
it's novel

4:53 PM Monica: He said it makes him gag

me: oh give me a break

Monica: he is able to control it

me: like having a cock in your mouth doesn't make a girl gag?

Monica: but its hard for him
and I laughed
said exactly that

me: you should remind him that the gag reflex is actually inside the throast
not on the tongue

Monica: he did attempt to go down on me
4:54 PM after our chat
but it was short and not great

me: well, i can guarantee you that you can look forward to a relationship w/o cunnilingus

Monica: But damn the sex was good
I know

me: that wouldn't be tolerable to me

Monica: There is not a single thing I would change about him

me: but it's your call

4:55 PM Monica: except for that
I know
He is making an effort
4:56 PM kinda cracks me up

me: sounds like he's making an effort to get you to say,
'don't worry about it'

Monica: hahahah
Maybe I should be more forcefull
4:57 PM really ask him to work on it

me: i think it's fair

Monica: that its important for our sex life

me: as dan savage says, oral sex comes standard
and any model that comes without it should be returned to the lot

Okay, gang. Really. Oral comes standard. Any make or model that comes without it should be returned to the showroom.

Q: Why am I losing my hard-on? A: You're putting pain-killers on it

Dear Go-To Girl,

I'm in a relatively new relationship and my girlfriend and I have tried twice to have sex. Both times once I put a condom on, I lost my erection. I'm using these condoms by Trojan; the wrapper is green. Do I need a Magnum?

Jack

Dear Jack,

Sometimes guys really do need a Magnum because the condom they put on is too tight at the base and they lose their erection. Not to diminish the possibility that you have a huge cock, but the green-wrapped Trojan you're talking about is the "Extended Pleasure" model, which says right on the box that it contains a "male genital desensitizer."

That desensitizer is no other chemical than benzocaine, the dental anesthetic. Using an Extended Pleasure condom is like spraying Chloraseptic on your dick.

So throw those condoms in the trash and get yourself some nice Kimono Type E's.

GTG

Do Humans Have Sex like Chimps?

No, these aren't chimps. But Bonobos are so cute!

I'm usually skeptical of evolutionary fuckology because human scientists have done such a bang-up job over time of applying our own social context onto animal societies and then used our interpretation of their behavior to support gender roles and behaviors in humans. But I'm not gonna lie, but this article in the New York Times reminds me a bit of the college fuck behavior I observe [from a distance!!!] every day.

Chimps are particularly likely to be silent and conceal their liaisons when higher-ranking females are nearby. They were most acoustically exuberant when cavorting with a high-ranking male.

The reason may be that other higher-ranking males are likely to be around, too, and by advertising her availability to them a female chimp may gain many influential protectors for her future infant.

The calculus changes when higher-ranking females are around because they are likely to attack the caller and break up the fun.

Sound familiar?

There's more:

“I can imagine that these sort of signals [in humans] may still be very much perceived by other group members and give a female a high degree of control over her willingness to copulate or let others know her sexual state,” said Dr. Zuberbühler, also of the University of St. Andrews.

“If she was truly interested in meeting with the best males, [a female chimp] should do all her calling during that narrow window when it matters,” Dr. Zuberbühler said. “But she doesn’t. She conceals the time of ovulation by calling throughout her cycle.”

Humans might not signal sexual availability through a clearly recognizable body change, but women definitely have ways of demonstrating interest. Like by wearing "True Love Waits" sweatpants.

Oral Sex Week, Part 2

Monica: My future husband just doesn't seem to like giving oral sex me: uh oh
Monica: we have been open talked about it
and he makes alot of effort
but his dislike comes out in his effort
we have a ridiculous sex life
amazing in every other way
what to do?
me: how does his dislike come out?
gagging?
Monica: hahaha
No more in a begrudging attitude
me: like, 'well, okay, i'll go down on you'?
Monica: yes

I've heard a lot of this lately: girls that just loooove giving blowjobs and somehow wind up with a boyfriend who, at best, begrudgingly goes downtown. I can understand this in the abstract because of ye olde argument that giving a good blowjob is an exercise in "power" and whatever. Why the converse isn't true for dudes, I'm not sure.

Of course there are guys like Dr. Ian Kerner, who just can't wrap their mouth around enough pussy. I'm reading his book, She Comes First, right now and his love for poon really comes through. It's good advice for anybody who's really motivated to make oral sex great, but I don't think it would convince those pussy-skeptics to really get into it.

Anonymous commenters, let's hear from you. I can understand that there are guys who might be, um, oriented away from oral sex but it just so happens that, in my sex life, those guys get oriented right back out the door.

Discuss.

Oral Sex Week, Part 1: Q: Why does my cum taste bad? A: Quit smoking!

Hey GTG
Sorry ahead of time, if I offend anyone...I'd much rather turn someone on than shake their tree of instilled values.
Have you heard about some supplement out of europe, for men and women, called 'the ropes' ?
Do you know if certain types of foods or 'new age supplements' like the ropes effect the way ones' cum tastes?
I am pretty excited about meeting you, here!
Ciao
Tyler

Dear Tyler,
I've read about "The Ropes" in what I imagine is the only publication read by dudes dumb enough to buy their product: Maxim. Not only do these herbal supplements never work, the reason cum looks all stringy in porn is because it's [supposedly] not cum at all but an external source of, say, hand cream, spurted out at the opportune moment.
In terms of the taste of cum, the things that are known to make it taste gross are nicotine (smoking affects the way your whole body tastes. yuck), alcohol, and asparagus. So if you're consuming any of those on a regular basis, try to give up smoking*.
After you've quit smoking, start drinking lots of water every day and eating fruit consistently. I've always heard a girl's tale about pineapple juice.
The herbal supplement you're talking about, SweetenZe, is a great way to blow $50 if you're looking for a way to lighten your wallet.
In conclusion: quit smoking and start chewing on pineapple to satisfy your oral fixation.
Love,
GTG

*I know quitting smoking is hard, but isn't the promise of more blow jobs worth it? The SweetenZe people promise "5 to 10 times more oral sex!!!!" and their product costs just about as much as Nicoderm.

Early Father's Day Treat

Even though Father's Day isn't until June 15th, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my Dad for not dragging me through the bullshit charade that is the father-daughter Purity Ball.

I'm on the record about abstinence, purity, pledging, and all of its assorted nonsense. But the "ownership" of a daughter's "honor" and "virginity" and "purity" is so revolting I can't stand it. It's merely a few steps away from honor killings for when she (almost) inevitably breaks the pledge.

The idea that a father would encourage his daughter to consider herself property, an object to be and in need of protection makes me want to hurl. Even worse is the way some of the fathers set up this drama to create accountability for their own purity. Don't sacrifice your daughters on the altar of "purity" because you can't stop watching internet porn.

I'm all for father-daughter bonding, but can't they go to a baseball game or get ice cream or something like regular people?

Again, thanks Dad!

Slate on Polygamy

William Saleton is right 99% of the time; this article is no exception. He writes:

In reality, most polygamist communities are authoritarian and push girls into marriage before they're old enough.

"Authoritarian" doesn't mean abusive; marriage of a girl under the age of 18 is in no way proof that she has been raped or abused. And, I assure you, there is no evidence whatsoever that any girl in the FLDS compound has been abused. Having a child before age 18 is not only not indicative of abuse, it's hardly uncommon. 36 out of every 1000 Texas girls under the age of 18 gives birth each year; nationally, it's only 21/1000.

The purpose of the article, though, is the legal status of polygamy; read up.

State of California v. The Porn Industry

According to CNN, California is again trying to penalize the use of pornography, this time by levying a 25% tax on strip clubs, videos, and websites. Yawn.

The talking head in the CNN segment rattles on and on about porn being bad, claims that "some divorce lawyers" attribute more than 50% of their divorce cases to pornography use. Pornography is also "killing our families and our society!!!" he shrieks.

The bill, AB 2914, was introduced by Assemblyman Charles Calderon. The bill also calls for an 8% tax, not a 25% tax as the CNN guy erroneously states.

Calling for the creation of the Adult Entertainment Venue Impact Fund, which the tax would pay for, the bill plans to use its monies to ameliorate the "Secondary effects" of adult venues. That means property taxes, law enforcement, and funding to address "mental health" and "disease transmission." The bill doesn't specify whether that money would go to people who work in the industry or those poor, poor divorcees who wouldn't tolerate their husband's porn habit.

Maybe they could compromise on some wife spanking.

Praise the Lord!: Bondage for Christians*

Thanks, D, for the tip.

You might want to get your Bibles out for this one. Don't have one? No worries. Go to Bible Gateway and search for the passage you want. Today we'll be talking about Ephesians. That's one of Paul's letters. The one he wrote to the Ephesians. What's that, you say? You didn't know that Paul never knew the living Christ? Neither do most people. Paul's letters written to a specific group of people and never intended to be dogma for billions of Christians worldwide? Yeah, I don't think so either. But I'm not here to give you perspective on the validity of Pauline doctrine.

Apparently hiding out there in the kinky shadows of Christendom is a group of guys and gals practicing Traditional Christian Marriage, which they interpret as inclusive of "Christian Domestic Discipline." Really.

Look, I'm not going to lie--this is nonconsensual Bondage and Discipline (the "BD" in "BDSM") and it makes me cringe. Both, when consensual, are totally fine but to have this type of relationship explicitly justified using Paul's word--and not the wife's--is unbelievable.

Hey Christians--if you want to get in to bondage, go for it. But using the Bible to justify it? Give me a fucking break. The only people who think that "submit" means "submissive" are people in the BDSM community. You oughta look them up.

The specific phrase in question from Ephesians is Chapter 5, 22-24:

22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

That's the only part of Ephesians most people know; but verse 21, which is usually left out, is:

21Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

So you want to bend your wife over your knee, give her a good spanking warm up, speak to her in a commanding tone, and then spank her occasionally for "maintenance"? Fucking go for it. But don't say the Bible tells you so, cos the reasoning just isn't in there. Nobody is suggesting the husbands submit to the wives, and that's the "word" as written.

Congratulations, Christians! You're kinky. Why not celebrate by giving your submissive wife the perfect gift: a pair of short and sassy pantaloons. By the way, they're crotchless. Guess that might come in handy sometime.



Maybe this is just a way of hiding consensual submissive relationships among Christians that, for social reasons, have to be justified using a Biblical overreach. Given the breadth of clearly erotic Christian Domestic Discipline fiction available for sale on the website, I'm led to think this is just another kink. Oh, well...All God's children have a place in the choir. Some sing lower...and some higher.

*for the record, I'm a Christian.

Q: How Do You Have Sex in India? A: With Ice!

Dear Go-To Girl,

So I met this guy that I'm totally crazy about and he's taking me with him to India for a work trip (!). I've never had sex that far from the U.S. of A--are there special precautions I need to take? Won't it be insanely hot?

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Among my many talents, I'm a published writer in the "Destination Wedding/Honeymoon" field. Don't ask. So I know where to look to find out how to have good, safe sex no matter where you are in the world.

First, the weather: Mumbai's climate is a lot like Texas; hot and humid. No big surprise there.

When traveling to a non-Western country, make sure you always take plenty of sex supplies--especially condoms and lube. You won't necessarily be able to find rubbers at all, and there's a very good chance that if you did find them, they would all be brands you had never seen before. So whether you like Magnums, Durexes, or Kimono Type E, take more than you think you'll need. And no, taking condoms with you doesn't mean you're expecting sex and it won't jinx you, either. Just put 'em in your cosmetics bag and take them with you anytime you travel.

To keep cool, make full use of that hotel bed (the sheets on which you don't have to change) and try out some ice play. Don't put any ice in your mouth (the water might not be safe) but on your skin it's A-Okay.

Safe travels!
Love,
GTG

10-10-50: The Hip-Hop Version

Thanks, M, for the tip on this.

If I've said it once I've said it a million times: 10 minutes is all you need. It's kind of a lot, actually.

Fuck You, Pam Stenzel

Any readers who are still in high school, please cover your eyes and ears. Pam Stenzel is a recipient of countless federal dollars as an "abstinence" speaker who comes to schools and threatens the shit out of teenagers by telling them outright lies about sex, birth control, and STIs.

If, after watching this video, you feel like you're taking crazy pills, you're not alone. But neither is Pam. There are tons of speakers like this whose sole job is to create doubt in the minds of teengers about the accuracy of information they receive from organizations like Planned Parenthood or, say, the American Medical Association.

Write to your Congressional rep or senator to tell them that you can't fucking believe that the federal fucking government is funding garbage like this.*

By way of The Frisky:


*the funding works like this: public schools receive funds directly (through Title V) that they can spend on outside speakers, like Pam. OR nonprofit organizations receive federal funds (through Community Based Abstinence Education [CBAE] grants) to provide these services for free to schools. see SIECUS for more.