Saturday, December 13, 2008

Get me Al Gore!
New Enviro-Disaster: Shorter Penises!

Thanks, V, for this tip. My old pal Dr. Devra Davis has been writing about the feminizing effects of chemical exposures for years now, and I remember joking with her when I helped her proofread her book, When Smoke Ran Like Water, that if the threat of smaller penises and undescended testicles wasn't enough to get men in power to pay attention to the environment, then there was no hope for us as humans. Threaten their junk and boys start to listen. I've known that since the second grade.

In England, they're paying attention to the Serious Threat that is Smaller Penis Size. This shocking reveal was published in the UK's The Independent:
Indeed, new research at the University of Rochester in New York state shows that boys born to mothers with raised levels of phthalates were more likely to have smaller penises and undescended testicles. They also had a shorter distance between their anus and genitalia, a classic sign of feminisation. And a study at Rotterdam's Erasmus University showed that boys whose mothers had been exposed to PCBs grew up wanting to play with dolls and tea sets rather than with traditionally male toys.

While there's nothing wrong with boys who want to play with dolls and tea sets, hopefully this will help explain to the "homosexuality is a choice" blowhards that chemicals interact with genes to cause these effects. Which means that sexual orientation is genetic. Got that?
And guess where else phthalates are found? That's right, sex toys. Read my previous work about jelly toys here and here.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Andy Samberg--"Jizz in my pants"

Really? This video is like a weird mix of Queer as Folk (don't tell me Andy doesn't seem like Brian Kinney) and Kanye West. I love Justin Timberlake's cameo as the janitor...and Meadow from "The Sopranos"? This shit is crazy.

GTG Classic: Open Letter to Larry Craig

Remember Senator Larry Craig's Minneapolis airport sex sting last summer? No? Well, his attempt to withdraw his guilty plea was denied today, so in honor of his ongoing battle against the mistinterpretation of his "wide stance," I'm reprinting last summer's "Open Letter to Larry Craig." Enjoy!

Dear Senator Craig,

Call me a sucker, but I just have a thing for men embroiled in sex scandals. R. Kelly, Senator Vitter, President Clinton...the depths of my sympathy for me who love to fuck are limitless. It's obvious that you were entrapped by that douchebag cop who was totally playing a Daddy game with you during that interrogation. I'll bet there are guys on Craigslist seeking just such a sexual encounter. I imagine it would their ads would something like this:*

I'm a regular gay guy and, what can I say? I have a fantasy of being entrapped
by a cop in an airport bathroom for "violating privacy."
Here's what I
want--a cop (or someone with access to pretty real-looking cop regalia) to meet
me in a bathroom and then bust me for trying to solicit sex. You'll demean me
during interrogation and belittle me for disappointing the people who vote for
me, and make sure to give a laundry list of the signals that gay men have used
for centuries to solicit sex without involving unsuspecting straight people in
the process.
Obviously, after you bust me we'll have to actually have
sex--that's part of the fantasy. But I won't tell your cop superiors if you
don't tell my constituents.
Email me soon! I keep my BlackBerry at close hand and travel through Minneapolis all the time. Let's make it happen!

I wish you hadn't resigned; not only is it perfectly fine to troll for guys in airport bathrooms, the Republican party needs to be taken to task for its patently bullshit condemnation of you and forgiveness of Vitter.

Whatever happens to you, I hope that you can keep having sex with guys in airports--surely it's hot--and that your wife will wipe off some of that eyeliner. She's no Tammy Faye.


Go-To Girl

*Yes, readers, I posted this ad on Craigslist.

Friday, December 05, 2008

Karma Chameleon.

If you look of pictures of me as a kid dressed up in sequined, crazy dance outfits (thanks, A) standing in the living room (yes, my life has been one big game of dress up) you will see the Culture Club album in the family record box (a fruit crate, we were so bohemian) behind me.

I vividly remember the video for "Karma Chameleon" (it's really weird) having to do with pretty people dressed up in antebellum-looking clothes (there are slaves, gentry, prostitutes, and a riverboat) and throwing lots of fake gold coins around.

So it's kind of ironic that Boy George was recently convicted of "falsely imprisoning" a male escort. With handcuffs.

Um, was this the escort's first time? Did he not know that Boy George is, um, pretty well documented as being a little freaky?

Obviously escorts should be able to consent to sex and any BDSM elements but handcuffs are just so banal! Anwyay...just a little fun for your weekend.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

The Ultimate Love Triangle
Herpes Ethics Question

In a love triangle? Ask Tila Tequila for help.

Dear Go-To Girl,
I'm sleeping with this girl who's an old friend of mine. We're keeping things casual. I have genital herpes; she knows. I take Valtrex and I haven't had an outbreak in ages. Here's the question: I know that the girl I'm seeing is also sleeping with another guy in our circle of friends. Am I obligated to tell him that I have herpes, since there's a possibility he might be at risk?

Dear Jerry,
You know how I feel about herpes.* So given that you 1) haven't had an outbreak in ages and 2) t his girl you're sleeping with knows you have herpes and 3) are taking Valtrex, I don't think you're obligated at all to tell dude # 2 that you have HSV. If anyone here is obligated to disclose, it's her.

Unless, of course, you're really hoping that he doesn't know how I feel about herpes* and will freak out and bail if you tell him, leaving you to have the girl all to yourself. In which case, I mean, all's fair in love and war. I guess.

But talking about herpes and the fact that you have it improves things for people who have herpes in general. Most people I know claim not to know anyone who has herpes when in fact some 75% of their friends are walking around with the HSV. So coming out of the closet really helps to destigmatize and de-other herpes infection. And, like I said, it's just not that big of a deal.

So consider carefully whether you want to scare this guy off, because you either will scare him or it will seem like you're trying to scare him, which will look like a huge cockblock. But ethically? Nah, don't tell him.


*In case you don't know how I feel about it, here's the lowdown: herpes is not a big deal. While genital herpes is the most stigmatized STI, it causes no problems other than physical discomfort and never progresses to anything more serious. Herpes isn't "curable" but anitviral meds (including Valtrex) are super effective at suppressing outbreaks and reducing transmission risk. So relax already. Read more about herpes here.

Monday, December 01, 2008

There is still no cure: World AIDS Day

In honor of World AIDS Day and because I told you so, go and get tested today. The only way to know your HIV/STI status is to get tested.

Chances are good your local health department or Planned Parenthood is doing free testing today; put on a red ribbon and go get a needle stick. It'll be good for you.

If you're in Austin, the Austin Travis County RBJ Clinic at 15 Waller Street will have free testing from 12-8. The map is below. Go on down.

View Larger Map

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Hello, it's polyANDRY!

I'm not sure what to think of this ad campaign--nor can I figure out what it's an ad campaign for. But I love the idea of a glamorous lady with 5 husbands! The fake organization is called "Pals of Polygamy* LLC." It's a travel website, clearly, but who? Travelocity? Orbitz? Hotwire?

*When a woman has more than one husband, it's called "polyandry." Duh.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Viagra in Sports: Who Knew?

From today's Times, further proof that Viagra is the craziest, most super-human substance on the planet: studies are being done to find out whether taking the little blue pill gives athletes unfair advantages.
“Basically, it allows you to compete with a sea level, or near-sea level, aerobic capacity at altitude,” Kenneth W. Rundell, the director of the Human Performance Laboratory at Marywood, said of Viagra.
I'm not going to go into why the whole 'sea level' thing is kinda dirty sounding, but what about the huge, 4-hour boners the dudes will get while they're cycling/running/swimming?

What's next, Viagra turns you into Superman?

Friday, November 21, 2008

Q: Is an IUD a sexually transmitted disease? A: No

The Paragard IUD

Dear Go-To Girl,

What's an IUD? I met this girl who said she had one and I got freaked out. Does that mean she has warts on her hoo-hoo?

All I got was "Abstinence"

The Mirena IUD

Dear AA,

You poor thing. You missed a golden opportunity because the intrauterine device (IUD) is actually the most effective birth control method available! You could've banged away to your heart's content. But, alas, these devices are relatively uncommon in the U.S. and with the state of sex education, it's no surprise that you thought "IUD" meant "disease."

Here's the deal: an IUD is a small, T-shaped device that is inserted into the uterus through the cervix (ouch!). There are two IUDs available and they work slightly differently: The Paragard has copper wire wrapped around it that affects enzymes in the uterus, making it a hostile environment for any fertilized eggs. The Mirena releases a tiny amount of progesterone that prevents ovulation.

Now for the mysterious part: the presence of either IUD in the uterus essentially makes the body think that since there's some foreign object inside, that it can't support a pregnancy. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true.

The IUD is more effective than sterilization. Seriously. The Paragard lasts at least ten years (but you can keep it in longer) and the Mirena lasts five years. They're pretty pricey to start with if your insurance doesn't cover the device (like $200 or so) but spread out over five or ten years, they're the cheapest method out there.

The IUD has a little piece of string (fishing line, basically) that hangs out through the cervix so you can make sure it's still in place. If you contract an STI and don't get treated, this string slightly increases the risk of pelvic inflammatory disease which can, if untreated, lead to infertility. So use condoms, get tested, get treatment if you wind up with an STI.

Side effects include cramping (which, with the Mirena, is more mild than Paragard) and heavier periods, but that's it. None of that birth control pill weight gain or libido loss or generalized craziness. Some women expel the IUD but that's a pretty uncommon occurrence.

If you want to get an IUD, you'll probably have to convince your doctor that you've done your homework. So research the Paragard here and the Mirena here. And if you decide it's the right method for you, don't take no for an answer.

Go-To Girl (I Heart Paragard)

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Did Jesus Die for Anal?
The Father-Daughter Purity Ball is Back!

Puke, vomit, retch, blech, ugh, I hate it.

I've written about so-called "Father-Daughter Purity Balls" before, and this new website (thanks, S, for the tip) is just as gross. Here's the "pledge" the fathers take in front of God, their daughters, and eachother:
We all know how effective pledges are when it comes to things like abstinence (not at all), allegiance to the flag (totally meaningless), giving money to NPR (not 100%), and so on, so I have low expectations of fathers standing up in front of a group of other douchebags and promising that they won't cheat on their wives (!) or look at internet pornography (!!). Not to mention all the creepy, patriarchal, ownership language included in the pledge.

After the fathers take their "pledges" the daughters go up to the front of the room, where there's a cross (obviously, because Jesus hates premarital sex), "The daughters silently commit to live pure lives before God through the symbol of laying down a white rose at the cross."

The rose is white. Because they're all virgins. Get it?

Here's a nice reminder from one of the Father-Daughter Purity Ball Founder's seven (!) children, Khrystian:
Purity that sets us free starts with repentance to our Lord who died to forgive us. Can he forgive us for last night? Of course. His sacrifice covers us. Can He forgive us of last week? Yes, of course. He shed His blood for that.
So then it is okay to have premarital sex? Because Jesus shed His blood for that? I'm sorry, Purity People, but the Jesus I know and love is pretty tied up with actual human suffering to be bothered with your "purity."

But I do have one question--did Jesus die for anal?

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Partied too hard last night?
Picked up the Clap?

Found out the hard way that yes, you are at risk for gonorrhea? Can't face calling up the last person you had sex with to tell them the news?

Send them an anonymous e-card from!

The site provides local resources for testing and treatment, but anyone can send a card to inform past (or current) partners that they might be at risk for an STI.

This is especially good for the guys who say, "I don't need to use condoms. My girlfriend is on the pill." They'll find out the hard way that the pill doesn't provide protection from STIs. Duh.

America: Fuck Yeah


Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Wake Me Up When It's All Over

Sorry that I can't muster up much today--I'm totally freaking out about the election and am going to turn my brain off until tomorrow. At which point I'll either rejoice or begin making plans to move to France. Oui!

My good pal Mark Regnerus, sociologist extraordinaire at the University of Texas at Austin, is prominently featured in an article in this week's New Yorker entitled "Red Sex, Blue Sex."

Basically, more red-state, evangelical teenagers have sex earlier (we call it "debut") and get pregnant and then get married, because there isn't much else in their future. No surprise there. And then those marriages are more likely to end in divorce relative to blue staters. But here's the question no one can answer: who is actually having better sex?

Go read it. It'll twist your mind up.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Getting Fucked:
Insurance Companies Overcharge Women

As if the gobbledygook from both candidates about their "health plans" which will, in Obama's case, not actually cover all people or, in McCain's case, actually tax people on health benefits for the first time since ERISA was passed in the 1970s, wasn't enough to drive you completely insane, brace yourselves.

According to a report in the New York Times, women purchasing individual (i.e., not employer-based) health plans pay on average 30% more for their policies than men. Why? Because they "use more healthcare" and "have children."

"Using more healthcare" usually means that women get less sick than men--this is one reason why women live longer. Men are less likely to go to the doctor until they are very sick or broken or coughing up blood--which means expensive bills later instead of women's smaller bills over time. But insurance companies hope against hope (and, a lot of times, they're right) that men will wait until they're 65 to get really expensively sick and then they're Medicare's problem.

But the part that really burns my cookies is the maternity coverage. Many insurance plans cost more even if they don't include maternity benefits, which is an optional coverage that costs even more. Yes, pregnancy and childbirth are expensive and require regular medical care--but women aren't pregnant all the time so to overcharge them every month for premiums is discriminatory and ridiculous.

And even if women are the only ones who actually get pregnant, in the aggregate, men usually have a role in getting them into that family way so it's fair to share the financial burden.

Moral of the story: Insurance companies--fuck 'em.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Not in New York:
Manhattan College's "Virgin Club"

The New York Times reports that the president (cum priest) of Manhattan College (which is not in Manhattan at all, but in Riverdale, which is in the Bronx) proposed to students that to aid them in abiding by the school's rule that they not have sex on campus, someone found an abstinence club.

No takers.

The student newspaper, The Quadrangle, broke the story to much acclaim. I know the feeling. Back in the days of yore my first published article was about the sex policy* at my Very Exclusive Quaker Boarding School, entitled, I kid you not, "Sex From All Angles" It was read simultaneously by every student in the school. Suffice it to say, the taste of fame has stayed with me.

To paraphrase a quoted student who was my boyfriend in ninth grade, "Sex is not an ill." Manhattan College, take note: it won't work.

Very Exclusive Quaker Boarding School understands that adolescent development includes issues of friendship, attachment, and romantic intimacy. While affirming young people’s need to express their sexuality, the School believes that adolescents are not yet ready to bear the responsibilities associated with sexual intimacy. Therefore, the School’s policy is that intimate sexual contact among students is not appropriate within the context of school life and may have disciplinary consequences. Violations of this School rule may result in suspension or dismissal from the School.
However, such situations will be addressed discreetly, respectfully, and with care for those involved. Very Exclusive Quaker Boarding School recognizes that there will be occasions when students need education, counseling, or medical care in areas related to sexuality. Students’ concerns may be about themselves or their peers. While the School also recognizes that it is sometimes difficult for students to talk about these issues, we highly encourage all members of our community to seek assistance utilizing the health resources available at Very Exclusive Quaker Boarding School.
Students who wish to receive information, support, or counseling regarding sexual health have several options at Very Exclusive Quaker Boarding School.
1. Speak with a faculty member. Students may choose to confer with a teacher, dorm parent, advisor or coach. The faculty member can listen, help clarify the School’s expectations, and refer the student to one of the Health Center staff.
2. Speak directly with a member of the Health Center staff. Students may visit the Health Center to ask for information, to make an appointment to speak
confidentially with one of the staff physicians, nurses, or therapists, or to ask for a referral to a professional in the local community.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

CNN: Wearing Red Boosts Sex Appeal? What About Pink?

To paraphrase Elle Woods, "Whoever said red was the new pink was seriously disturbed."

According to,
[The researchers] "think that red, due to the association with hearts and
Valentine's Day and lingerie and things like that, takes on a sexy meaning,"
says Elliot. "There's also a possibility -- a rather provocative possibility --
that there's a deeply embedded sort of tendency for heterosexual men to see red
as an attraction cue because that's what happens in the wild."

Really? Sex organs become engorged with blood during arousal, which makes vaginas red. And nipples red. And lips red. None of which are inherently sexy except that you usually only see them when you're about to have sex. Which is sexy.

Incidentally, I'm wearing a red sweater today. And, of course, I have red hair. Hmm.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Times Says: Women Cheat More?

Congratulations, women! In an article in today's Times, Tara Parker-Pope reports that research has begun to show that we ladies are closing the cheating gap. Researchers reported several findings, including that, in the same sample, the rate at which women reported having sex outside their marriages increased five-fold when they took computerized questionnaires versus in-person interviews.

Both men and women in newish marriages are cheating, too: 20% of men and 15% of women under 35 have cheated. The studies don't ask when people cheat, so it's impossible to say whether women cheat mid-marriage or closer to the end. But other research has shown that cheating by men tends not to end a relationship but that cheating by women--either because men can't forgive women or because women cheat when they want out--leads to divorce.

As I always say...sexual behavior at the population level does not change significantly over time. So, no, I don't think women are cheating more. I think they're reporting more honestly. And this research also doesn't distinguish between couples that choose to be nonmonogamous--through swinging or some other arrangement--or outright cheating.

But for married people, more sex with more partners is probably just what the doctor ordered. Just sayin'.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Q: My vagina is too tight! A: Riiiight.

Dear Go-To Girl,

I am having trouble finding real advice as to how to stretch my vagina to make sex more comfortable. I have had a good deal of sex in my life, with all sizes and shapes of boys. However, the current sampling is rather well endowed, to the point that he has terrible difficulty entering me and if I come, it causes him great pain. Oddly enough, it just feels rather delightful for me, the fullness is quite delicious. I actually do think, upon further analysis and much masturbation, my vagina is smaller than it used to be. Could I have pulled something? Could it be as a result of 5 months of celibacy? The doctor said there was nothing physically wrong. I have been using toys like crazy, and it seems to make no difference. I have ordered a set of dilators- but I could use some more advice on this issue, if its out there.

Dear Charlene,
This is the "This might sound douchey, but I really do find Magnums more comfortable" of girl questions. So your boyfriend is too big, you're too tight, and that causes him "pain"?


I don't think the problem is in your vagina--I think the problem is in your boyfriend's brain.
As far as I know, tight vaginas prized pretty much everywhere, and not just because they're usually attached to girls that are "young" or "barely legal." Or come in dozens. (Please join me in googling "tight pussy")

Tightness is prized because it feels good.

Vaginas are "too tight" when the woman who owns the vagina finds penetration with something--fingers, tampons, dilators, penises--painful in a way that doesn't go away after a few minutes of, um, practice. Unless you have vagina dentata, your vagina's contractions when you come shouldn't be causing pain to any nearby penises. Quite the contrary.
So, yeah, you can try dilators but they're designed for women who experience pain, not men. You might try putting a few fingers inside your vagina when you're coming so you can feel what your boyfriend claims to feel and see what it's like.
But really, no, your vagina isn't too tight. Your boyfriend is basically complaining that his new Porsche that he won on The Price is Right doesn't have enough legroom. Give me a fucking break.
Go-To Girl

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Who Knew? "Go-To Girl" is Dirty!

From my pals over at UrbanDictionary:

go-to girl
The girl you think about when you're masturbating to help you finish. Named because that's where your brain "goes to".
"Everytime I beat off Shannon is my go-to girl."

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Prescriptions Down Nationwide:
What About Birth Control?

The New York Times published an article today that reports prescriptions are down nationally. Profiling several patients--most of whom are of Medicare age--who are, because of high costs and tough economic times, taking drugs less often than prescribed, smaller doses by halving pills, or foregoing certain medications altogether.

Sure, a $65 Nuva Ring doesn't compare to a $500 a month Alzheimer's drug, but young women--who, like the retired, have limited income--are hard hit by financial hard times and may be forced to stop using their birth control or, worse, taking a pill every other day. The consequences--unintended pregnancy--are real and financially life-altering.

If you find yourself forced to choose to stop taking your prescription birth control, stock up on condoms. I'm working on a longer article on making birth control feasible during tough economic times--it'll be forthcoming. But for now, seriously, buy some rubbers.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Gross, But Real: Palin Sex Tape

I love you, Larry Flynt. Seriously.

He's produced a porno featuring an actress who looks startlingly, really, truly, like our dear Maverick Team Co-Captain Sarah Palin.

Watch it here.

My Friends, We're In the "Danger Zone"

Seriously, McCain? As if hearing about Joe the lying sack of Plumber during every f-ing speech isn't enough, now McC is playing Kenny Loggins' "Danger Zone" at the end of his rallies.

Really, my friend?

Look, my friend, I get that you're a decorated veteran. I remember the song from "Top Gun." I also remember rollerskating around the gym while the song played on a 45rpm record player while I was at day camp in Fairlington. I was there, McC. Don't ruin this song for me, my friend.

"Danger Zone" is a great song. But it's not the kind of song you want to use to try to convince voters that you're the "security" candidate. Just sayin'.

You've also played "We Will Rock You," which makes a little more sense, but why all the 80's power tunes? I feel like I'm in Disney's
"Underdog Badminton Team Full of Chubby Kids and Bespectacled Nerds Surprises Everyone to Win Against the Chinese Team and Protect Our Freedoms"

movie. And it ain't good. You don't have Emilio Estevez, my friend.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Go-To Girl Loves Men Who Love Cats!

Go-To Cat, helping me do research.

Look--I like cats. I have cats. They are awesome. I appreciate dogs the way I appreciate children--on occasion, in sight of the time when they will go home/leave/go to sleep. Cats, for some reason, are considered "feminine" or "gay" and so the Big Straight Guy pet is, obviously, a dog. Preferably some Uber Masculine dog like a Pit Bull, Boxer, or, for the Strong Yet Sensitive Guy, a Golden Retriever.

The irony is that having a dog is like having a child, so all these Straight Guys are basically providing child care for their furry, slobbery, barky friends. Talk about emasculating.

Cats have to be negotiated with. They want you to want to be around them, but they don't want to be around you if you seem too eager. They want you to pet them, but they may or may not be interested in licking you or nuzzling you back. There's no tit for tat with cats. The tighter you hold them, the more they struggle to get away. Sounds like stuff most Straight Guys could learn a little bit about.

So how delighted am I that there's this new website,, devoted to (ostensibly) straight guys with cats. I'm suspicious of anyone who describes themselves as a Straight Guy or SOOOO straight, totally Fucking Straight, etc.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Official Gmail Blog: New in Labs: Stop sending mail you later regret

Official Gmail Blog: New in Labs: Stop sending mail you later regret

No More Drunk-Mailing!

Thanks, L, for the tip. Who hasn't sent a "You know, I really miss you sometimes" or "What are you doing right now?" email and wound up in an emotional pickle late at night? You either get the booty call you were looking for or no response at all, which when you sober up makes you feel like a total idiot.

Via, for those of us who use Gmail (and who doesn't, really, that's worth drunk-mailing?), Google has introduced Mail Goggles, a feature that asks senders to solve a few easy math problems before sending.

Hopefully soon they'll introduce a feature that will keep you from drunk-Googling and drunk-web stalking the guy you met at the bar.

Thanks, Google. I look forward to your world domination.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Economic Meltdown Special:
Don't Get Pregnant

Don't let this be you.

Okay, readers. Time to get serious. The economy is in total fucking crisis and soon the financial system will join health care on our list of Systems? We don't need no stinkin' systems! Social Security, welfare, and education may also soon be added.

So since there may very soon be no money, insurance, or oxygen, it's time to get serious about preventing unintended pregnancy until, at least, 2012.

For guys, that means condoms. All the time. I know, I know, they make sex "feel different." And you really find the "Magnum more comfortable." I got it. But $1 per condom < child support for 18 years. And considering that we may all very soon be moving to China to harvest crops, having a kid to deal with (or send money back home to) would be a disaster.

For gals, several options. I've written before about how I'm wildly in favor of the IUD, and I think the the method's long-term (5, 7, or 10 years) use makes it a great depression-weathering investment.

The Pill, the Nuva Ring, the Patch, and the rest of those monthly methods are great, but they're going to seem financially out of reach when we're all standing in bread lines and wearing barrels.

So if you've got a couple hundred bucks in your savings account (assuming your bank hasn't folded yet), take it out and stock the hell up on condoms. Considering that sex is one of the few comforts available in economic depressions, we're gonna need 'em. And since the majority of condoms (except for Trojans) are manufactured overseas, with our new trade deficit and worthless currency there might not be any condoms left before too long. And then you can sell 'em at a markup. Goooo, free market!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

The War's Still On

From Camp Lejeune in North Carolina, more depressingly poignant photos from soldiers' wives awaiting their return from Iraq.

Not sure what she means by "Y"...maybe "YMCA"?

Let's not forget the 4174 soldiers who will never come home, not to mention the 605 who have died in Afghanistan, and the 444 contractors who died in Iraq.

Photos courtesy of Quaker House.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Q: How do I give a better handjob?
A: Buy this book. I did.

dear go-to-girl,
how do I give a good hand job?

Dear (anonymous),

I've written about handjobs before, so presumably you have a question that goes beyond my last article on the HJ. So I asked your boyfriend and here's what he told me: hand jobs, when done well, are a totally hot addition to your repetoire. But you've gotta figure out how to do them right. That means knowing the when, where, and how of HJs.

When: Handjobs are best implemented, in my opinion, away from home. There's something really hot about handjobs when they're given in circumstances that just wouldn't allow for sex, like on a bus or train or underneath a table or counter when there are other people around who don't know what's going on.

Where: In his pants, obviously. I'm not in favor of the in-the-bedroom handjob, because if you're in bed, you might as well have sex. But as to where specifically your hands should be, according to The Handjob Handbook (which I have been dying to purchase and, thanks to this question, could do so and write it off on my taxes), your hands should be both on his penis and his balls (and taint, if he's down with that).

How: As I wrote the last time, you need lube. You also need to create a consistent rhythm, which might make your arm tired. Keep working on it. Beyond that, borrowed from The Handjob Handbook, here is "The OK," a basic HJ:
  • Make an OK sign with your thumb and foreinger.
  • Place the O that you've formed around the penis.
  • Move your hand up and down the shaft.
  • Now angle the O diagonally so the tips of your fingers point downward.
  • As the O slides over the ridge of the head, put a little elbow grease into it and shift your forearm downward.
  • Twist your hand back and forth, but just a little bit in each direction.

Friday, September 12, 2008

It's Friday! Ice Penis Time

I thought that the United States was abstaining from believing in global warming, so I don't know how to explain this giant ice penis. But if there's one thing I know for sure, this expected standard of behavior for this penis is limited to heterosexual marriage. Cover up, friend.
Thanks, T.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Sex Education for Kindergartners?!?

Yes. Not only is this good policy--the younger kids are when they learn about sex, the less interested they are in having it--it's about goddamn time someone put sex education in the campaign discourse. Sex ed matters. Just as Bristol Palin.

Monday, September 08, 2008

Vasectomy. Seriously.

We here at Go-To Girl Headquarters have covered vasectomy before but thanks to J for this new tip. CNN writes about young(ish) men who have chosen to go under the knife (or microsurgical cauterization, more likely) because they were really, really sure they didn't want to have children.

What we love about the vasectomy discourse in this culture is that the teeniest threat of not returning to immediate virility (oops, we mean fertility) makes physicians incredibly reluctant to offer vasectomy to men who don't already have children.

But as Dr. Lawrence Ross of the University of Illinois-Chicago says:
Within 10 years of having a vasectomy, there's a 90 to 95 percent success rate for reversal surgery. Beyond that, the success rate drops to 75 to 80 percent.
For the record, that's a great reversal rate. Women do not universally return to fertility after discontinuing a birth control method, but our notions of masculinity are so tied to sperm production that we just can't seem to offer men a birth control method that lets them have up to 10 years of baby-free sex and provides a 90-95% chance that they'll be able to have children if and when they decide to reverse the vasectomy.

A growing pro-vasectomy sentiment among men's health physicians will, hopefully, allow men to have easier access to vasectomy as a long term--but temporary--method of birth control.

And no, vasectomy doesn't reduce testosterone or make you into a girl.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Don't Tell R. Kelly: There's a New Game in Town

This Saturday. Emo's. Foot Patrol, Austin's own "foot fetish funk band." Don't tell Kells--he might break up with me--but I'm super excited about this show. Review to come.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Vote for Go-To Girl for Best of Austin!

Today is the final day of voting for the Austin Chronicle's "Best of Austin" and if you'd cast your vote for Go-To Girl for Best Blogger, I'd sure 'preciate it!

You can vote here.

Just enter "Go-To Girl" for "Best Blogger" and "" for "Best Blog."

Thanks a mil!


Monday, September 01, 2008

Sex 1, Abstinence 0:
Sarah Palin's Daughter Knocked Up

Bristol Palin and her son--oops, I mean brother--Trig. Is that short for "trigonometry"? As in, the class she skipped to go and get fucking pregnant?

Okay, seriously. I wasn't going to write since it's LABOR DAY and all, but thanks to L, S, S, S, and Mom for disrupting my day at Barton Springs Pool with the latest proof that abstinence education is a fucking joke: Sarah Palin, who has been the Republican vice-presidential nominee for approximately 5 minutes, has a daughter in the family way.

Knocked up. A bun in the oven. Expecting. With child. Sperminated (thanks, S, for that one). Preggers. Too dumb to use a motherfucking condom.

The best part? Palin, apparently, advocates abstinence education. Which is great and all, except when your
teenage fucking daughter starts to fuck and she never learned about condoms and goes and gets herself fucking pregnant.

Am I the only one taking crazy pills here? I haven't even had to write about how ridiculous the Republican nominee is in the first place and then, Surprise! She's got a pregnant daughter.

Look, I'm happy the Republicans decided (nearly 3 decades after the Democrats) to nominate a woman to
graciously lose on the national stage. But this candidate just had a baby with Down's Syndrome, her daughter is knocked up, her stepmother in law (or whatever) ran against her and is her enemy back in Alaska--really, Republicans? I didn't realize the Jerry Springer demographic was so up for grabs this election season.

I hope this puts abstinence education in the election discourse. I can't fucking wait for it. If we needed further proof that sex is, in fact, better than abstinence, this is clearly the pudding. As it were.

I hope somebody has told Bristol that there is no condom for the heart.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Soy Decreases Sperm Count!

Or does it? According to the Los Angeles Times a new study in the journal Human Reproduction has shown that men who consume large amounts of soy have up to 50% fewer sperm per ejaculation than men who do not eat soy. But the study was small, and previous research has shown the opposite effect: increased sperm count and quality.

I'm wary of soy for lots of reasons and this study, which asked men who were partners of women patients at fertility clinics (so, maybe not the most fertile dudes to begin with) what soy foods they chose to consume makes me even more skeptical of soy as a legitimate food choice. But soy shows up in virtually all processed foods available in the American repetoire, so chosen soy foods are but a small proportion of the soy people may actually consume.

We've written here before about vegans; if increased soy consumption does in fact decrease fertility, I think veganism is a problem that will work itself out the old-fashioned, evolutionary way.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Wait--Enzyte is a Fraud? No Way!

If you're alive and not deaf, surely you've seen and heard those super-catchy Enzyte commercials with the whistling jingle that evokes "The Andy Griffith Show" with its vintage aesthetic.

"Smiling Bob," the clown-ish guy who has taken Enzyte, a "male enhancement product," stands by the grill or delivers "presents" from his newly bigger "sack" at the office Christmas party with a plastic smile on his face.

Well, turns out that the company that sells Enzyte, Berkeley Premium Neutraceuticals, is a fraud. According to the Associated Press, the company's owner, Steve Warshak, was convicted of "93 counts of conspiracy, fraud, and money laundering." He apparently stole more than $100 million from customers. Also shocking: Warshak's mother was also convicted.

We've talked about "male enhancement" products here before; they're all fake. But I'm not gonna lie--the commercials are hilarious.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Review: "The Price of Pleasure: Pornography, Sexuality and Relationships"

Tonight I attended the world premiere of "The Price of Pleasure: Pornography, Sexuality and Relationships" right here in Austin. I was invited by Bob Jensen, UT's resident feminist anti-porn scholar.

The film's title and narration promised an analysis of porn, sexuality, and relationships and it delivered on the first of the three. Obviously anti-porn, the film revealed the normally hidden class conflict of the porn wars by depicting articulate college students as the intelligently anti-porn interviewees and juxtaposed meaty, douchey guys standing in its favor. At least they interviewed Joanna Angel, one of my favorite porn stars who appears in Tristan Taormino's "House of Ass."

Relationships, or, more specifically, what effect (if any) porn has on them wasn't covered, either: I wish it had been. Sexuality wasn't dealt with much, except in that homosexuality and gay porn was noticeably absent.

When I encounter activists who would eliminate porn I [almost] ask aloud the question I'm always asking: "What about the fucking?" The hypothesis is that porn, because of its depiction of violence against women on film, heightens violence against women in real life. Ignoring, for a moment, the fact that no research has ever supported that claim, if violence does increase, doesn't sex go up with it?

If the goal is to eliminate violence against women by eliminating porn, what about the fucking? The judgment of the aggression and violence is clear, but not so on the sex that is portrayed. Should [educated, in the know academic types] eschew both violence and sex? Or at least, certain kinds of sex that the anti-porn crusaders find distasteful? The question of whether or not the sex that porn is portraying is okay when it doesn't appear on film isn't addressed by this debate.

Part of the instrument used by "porn content researchers" depicted in the film revealed the behaviors they deemed "violent and aggressive": spanking and gagging. First of all, spanking is Kink 101--a slap on the ass doth not a violent sex scene make. And gagging--have any of these researchers ever given anyone a blow job? Or eaten a popsicle? Sometimes you gag.

I know people--indeed, some of their questions have been answered right here on Go-To Girl, who enjoy, say, being slapped in the face during sex. Were their desires influenced by porn? Perhaps. But do they not have a right to engage in sex they find exciting, pleasurable, and consensual? Yes, they do.

I have encountered enough educated, sensitive, liberal types who secretly, guiltily long for sex that is aggressive, at times violent, and basically the antithesis of the feminist, peacelove ideology they were raised with.

Sex guilt is bad, no matter whether the source is conservative religion or liberal parenting.

PS--Not to mention that there is a profit motive behind porn control--the Promise Keepers offer filtered internet and an "internet accountability" service for $7.99 a month that lets you have the report of what you've been doing online sent to your wife, kids, or pastor. What better way to get men to sign up for your service than by convincing them that porn is bad and that they're helpless against its powers? I wonder what the Christian Spanking people think of it...

Friday, August 22, 2008

Bush Will Implement Anti-Abortion Regulation

Remember a few weeks ago when the Bush Administration tried to redefine contraception as abortion? Well, language in the policy allowed employees with moral objections to refuse to provide services--including birth control--that may interfere with 'human life.'

Well, they dropped the birth control language but the policy is a go. The Washington Post reports today that employees who object to the provision of abortion will now be officially protected by federal law. Why doctors, nurses, medical assistants, phlebotomists, or other clinic employees who object to abortion would work in an abortion clinic remain to be seen. But now we can all exhale since they will be 'protected' by the law lest they object to doing their jobs.

Here's my favorite part:
[Employees would also be protected if they objected to] referrals, training, and other arrangements for offending procedures. For example, an operating room nurse would assist in the performance of surgical procedures; an employee whose task it is to clean the instruments used in a particular procedure would be considered to assist in the performance of the particular procedure.
Seriously? Mike Leavitt, Secretary of Health and Human Services, was quoted as saying:
[The regulation] focuses on abortion and focuses on physicians' conscience in relation to that.
So, let me get this straight. A federally funded clinic must allow staff the right to object to performing an abortion itself; the right to refuse to clean or prepare instruments to be used for an abortion; the right to refuse to train other staff in how to perform an abortion or related procedures; and the right to refuse to refer a patient to a facility where she can get an abortion.

Mike Leavitt must not be a doctor, because physicians only perform 10% of those tasks.

David Stevens, Chief Executive Officer of the nutso Christian Medical and Dental Association said:
We think it's badly needed. Our members are facing discrimination every day, and as we get into human cloning and all sorts of possibilities, it's going to become even more important.
If you have a strong stomach, take a look at the website for the CMDA. I've always had great dentists but I'm not sure if they would describe their work as "glorifying God." This part wasn't in the Post article, but this quote comes from the CMDA's own press release on the HHS policy:
If current trends of coercion are allowed to continue, patients will not be able to find physicians who share their life-affirming values.
So the CMDA is concerned for patients who, without interference by the federal government in the practice of medicine, will not be able to find physicians who share their 'life-affirming values' to...perform an abortion for them? What the fuck are they talking about?

Here's "first year medical student" Trevor Kitchens:
I am currently very interested in OB/GYN, but I am afraid of the relationship between this field and abortion. My concern is that I will start a residence and would subsequently be required at some point to give a patient the option of abortion, which I would refuse. My fear is that taking this stand would cost me my residence position.
Yes, Trevor, you're right. Try pediatrics. Or dentistry.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

The Times on the HPV Vaccine, Round 2

Today's article in the Times addresses the doubts some researchers have about the HPV vaccine's widespread use in the developed world. Read all about it.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Times On Merck's Aggressive HPV Scare Tactics

We here at Go-To Girl have been critics of the HPV vaccine since 2006, and today the New York Times featured a long article about the fast-track approval of Gardasil to prevent a disease that, frankly, isn't a big deal in the United States. The Times has done really thoughtful analysis about the hyper-aggressive "educational" (read: marketing) campaign Merck has done to create a total panic about a disease that barely kills anyone and for which a cheap, effective, and universally available screening tool (the Pap smear) already exists.

Below are highlights from the article; you can read my other pieces about HPV here.
Dr. Lippman at McGill [University in Canada]. “Some of our provinces are running out of money to provide primary care. I’m not against vaccines, but in Canada and the U.S., women are not dying in the streets of cervical cancer.”
Remember the flu vaccine shortage in 2005? That happened because the flu vaccine is so unprofitable that no manufacturer could be bothered to make it. Not so with the $130-a-shot HPV vaccine.
Vaccines were traditionally the orphans of the pharmaceutical world because they were cheap and not particularly profitable. But the two for cervical cancer are the latest in a wave of high-priced vaccines that have come to market since 2001, opening a lucrative new field.
And right here in Austin...
In Texas, Merck hired Gov. Rick Perry’s former chief of staff as a lobbyist, and contributed $6,000 to the governor and $38,000 to other legislators. Last February, Mr. Perry ordered that all schoolgirls be inoculated with Gardasil, a pronouncement that was overturned by the Texas Legislature, 181 to 3, a few months after the financial conflicts were revealed.
Women receiving the vaccine will need to shell out more money for a booster? What a shock. This is what happens when a for-profit company ventures into public health territory.
Dr. Harper said that in the data from Merck’s clinical trials, which she helped conduct, the vaccine was no longer protective after just three years in some girls. “The immunity of Gardasil will not last — that is dangerous to assume,” she said.
The nitty-gritty of why this vaccine makes no sense in the United States:
Cervical cancer is the second-leading cause of cancer death in women, with 500,000 new cases worldwide each year. But more than 90 percent of them are in developing countries, according to the World Health Organization; 274,000 women died of this cancer in 2006, nearly 95 percent in developing countries. Where there are Pap smear programs, few women die of cervical cancer. In the United States, it is responsible for 12,000 new cases a year and 3,600 deaths, most in women who did not get Pap smears, said Laurie Markowitz, head of the HPV working group at the C.D.C. (emphasis added)
And on the possibility of a whole new boondoggle--giving the vaccine to boys:
Said Dr. Raffle, the British cervical cancer specialist: “Oh, dear. If we give it to boys, then all pretense of scientific worth and cost analysis goes out the window.”
Just for clarification, boys don't have a cervix.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

RIP Issac Hayes: Sex Music has Lost its Patriarch

He's not R. Kelly, and his fuck-song language seems subtle nowadays, but Issac Hayes' music was, in fact, Sex Music in the grand tradition. Many of the songs had a decidedly "love" oriented tone, but fucking is the subtext in almost all of them. Each track has a long (in some cases, 3 minutes or so), scratchy guitar intro that alternately makes you want to dance or, you know, lay down.

Take, for instance, "(If Loving You Is Wrong) I Don't Want to Be Right," an ode from a married man to his (much younger) lover.
"Am I wrong to hunger for your gentle touch? ... Are you wrong to give your love to a married man?"
And then there's "Walk On By," the longest, most gut-wrenching breakup song of all time. It's 12 minutes of erotic, sexy, "Make believe you don't see my tears." Never has a man sounded so unbelievably sexy talking about crying uncontrollably.

Lastly (at least, in my iTunes library) is "Shaft,"about the "Black Private Dick who's a sex machine to all the chicks."

Let's not forget Hayes' contributions as Chef from South Park, wherein he mocked his own genre. "Chocolate Salty Balls" comes to mind first, but South Park wouldn't have had any sexiness at all if not for Chef.

I'll be listening to "Walk On By" all day.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

The Pill Alters Women's Mate-Selection

From a new article in the Proceedings of the Royal Society: Biological Sciences, researchers found that women taking birth control pills preferred men with a "genetically similar scent." (MSNBC)

The researchers suggest that, because birth control hormones mimic pregnancy, that the brains of women who take them are put into a non-mate-seeking state and so don't choose men who smell "different."

I don't really know what this all means, but it's another reason in the litany of reasons not to take birth control hormones.

Let's review the side effects:
Weight gain
Loss of libido
And now impaired mate selection?
Enough already.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Your Ideal Sex Workshop?

Dear Readers, I need your help. If, hypothetically speaking, Go-To Girl were to offer you a set of workshops for men and women about pleasing their partners/having good sex/being good in bed/etc., what kinds of topics would you want to be covered in said workshop? I'm taking any and all suggestions.

Thanks in advance.


Monday, August 04, 2008

Best Bush Policy Ever:
Economic Stimulus Checks Used for Porn

Thanks to T for sending me this link.

According to the New York Times' Freakonomics blog, the Adult Internet Market Research Company, or AIMRco, pay subscriptions to adult websites increased 20-30 percent in the months following the distribution of Bush Economic Stimulus Package checks. In a survey of subscribers, a third "referenced the recent stimulus package as part of their decision to either become a new member, or renew an existing membership."

Apparently, the summer is normally a slow time for pay-for-porn sites, so this change is remarkable. Also interesting in AIMRco's statistics are that Friday nights are the most clicked days for porn sites; Sundays are the slowest.

I wonder if any of these people joined websites that feature dom/sub porn where an angry wife is punishing her husband for wasting their economic stimulus money on a porn site membership. Kinky.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Bullshit Alert:
Bush's Last Minute

Anti-Birth Control Policy

From Thursday's Washington Post:

Just ahead of Congressional recess and no-news August, the White House has attempted to slip a completely outrageous policy through the Department of Health and Human Services. The new policy would provide "protection" for workers at federally funded health organizations who object to certain health services, like the provision of abortion or--here's the shocker--contraception, which is being defined in this policy as abortion.

Feeling crazy yet? Here's the brief:

The DHHS disburses federal funding to a variety of health care organizations, usually those that serve low-income people or specific health needs. Examples: dental clinics for those on Medicaid; immunization clinics for children who are required to receive certain shots to attend school; and, as is most relevant here, clinics that provide family planning services, like Planned Parenthood.

Federal regulations already prohibit the use of federal funds for abortion--either in the case of individual women using Medicaid to pay for an abortion OR a clinic receiving federal funds using those funds to pay for supplies or medical staff to perform abortions. Abortion services are paid for using state funds (if allowed by state law) or by private funding.

So since the use of federal funds for abortion services is already prohibited, why the new policy?

From the Washington Post:

The most controversial section defines abortion as "any of the various procedures -- including the prescription, dispensing and administration of any drug or the performance of any procedure or any other action -- that results in the termination of life of a human being in utero between conception and natural birth, whether before or after implantation."

That definition would include most forms of hormonal birth control and the IUD, which most major medical groups believe do not constitute abortion because they primarily affect ovulation or fertilization and not an embryo once it has implanted in the womb. (emphasis mine)

Got that? The policy is on its face intended to protect employees who feel they must object to certain procedures or medications. Fine. But why in sam hell would someone who is opposed to birth control choose to work at a family planning clinic? That's right--they wouldn't. The purpose of this policy is to attempt to define contraception as abortion. Don't buy it.

Click here to send a nasty letter to your representative and tell them this policy is unacceptable.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Breaking Testicle News:
Take That Cell Phone Off Your Belt

The media doesn't seem to care about cancer until someone gets taken by the balls--Lance Armstrong, John Kruk, and so on. Last week's announcement from the University of Pittsburgh Cancer Institute about cell phone use got mostly shrugs but my old pal Dr. Devra Davis, director of the University of Pittsburgh's Center for Environmental Oncology was a guest on Larry King Live Tuesday night and mentioned something that oughta make people finally pay attention to the relationship between cell phone use and cancer: keeping a cell phone on your belt or in your pocket can increase your risk of testicular cancer.

Women who keep cell phones on their belts or in their pockets would also, obviously, be putting that radiation source near their ovaries, which could also develop cancer, but women are more likely to keep the phone in their handbag and not on their person. Radiation exposure in the reproductive organs can also reduce fertility. Just sayin'.

Testicular cancer? Gross. Cell phones on belt? Tacky.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Shut the fuck up, Brooke Hogan

Is Sex Without Condoms the New 'Engagment Ring'?

NPR's Youth Radio program featured a story a few days ago called "Sex Without Condoms is the New Engagement Ring," about the sex lives of the reporter's friends. He described how people he knew would spend the first part of their relationship using condoms, and then when they decided to become monogamous, they would go together to a health clinic, get STI testing, and the girl gets another birth control method--like the pill.

There was a lot of patently racist commentary in the comments section which is kind of a downer, considering that it was NPR, and then a lot of reasonable people who said, 'Um, this is actually role model behavior. It just so happens that the role model is black and to many people, anything black people say about sex indicates irresponsible behavior.' I don't know why the reporter chose 'engagement ring' as his metaphor; I think it's a weak one, from a literary standpoint. But a commitment? Absolutely.

Using condoms consistently until you get tested (and know for sure you don't have anything/get treated for what you do have) is such rare behavior that these kids should be congratulated for being responsible. The majority of college students have sex first--usually protected from pregnancy only, because they're on some hormonal method--and ask questions about STIs later.

Like when they show up in my office with a herpes diagnosis and just 'didn't know' that they were at risk.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Miley Cyrus to Endorse LifeStyles?

From the Department of You've Got to be Fucking Kidding Me, E! Online reports that LifeStyles condoms, the little condom company that couldn't, publicly offered Miley Cyrus $1 million to endorse LifeStyles to the tween set.

We've reported here before about Miley Cyrus' controversial position on virginity and are dismayed that LifeStyles would endorse an "I'm waiting till marriage" position that has a 98% chance of failing*. Not to mention that the majority of abstinence pledgers don't use condoms when they do eventually break that pledge and get busy.

On the other hand, planning to use a condom the first time you have sex is among the only things that predicts consistent and correct condom use in future sex. Jamie Lynn Spears oughta have something to say about that one.

See: "After the promise: The STD consequences of adolescent virginity pledges." Journal of Adolescent Health, Volume 36 , Issue 4 , Pages 271 - 278. H . Br├╝ckner , P . Bearman

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Period Tracking: Pink and Pretty

If you're anything like Go-To Girl, you have an Outlook calendar for work, a Google calendar for bills and travel arrangements, and a paper calendar for old time's sake. Since you can't just mark a red "X" on your Google calendar, I usually just haphazardly make a note of my period in my paper planner--and then never look at it again until January of the following year, when the damn thing is out of date.

No more! Mon.Thly.Info is a website that you use to track your period and that, after a few cycles, predicts when the next one is coming. As a cautionary note, don't use this for the rhythm method unless your cycles are really, really regular. But this thing is awesome. Maybe soon it'll be compatible with Google calendar and all will be right with the world.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Q: Antidepressant Anorgasmia
A: Pink Viagra?

Good news for ladies taking antidepressants but who suffer from a common, bitch of a side effect: anorgasmia, or inability to orgasm. In a study of 98 women taking antidepressants who experienced sexual side effects, Viagra was shown to improve the sexual experience of those women who took it.

The Viagra didn't improve the other common antidepressant side effects--desire and arousal problems--because Viagra doesn't treat those problems, even in men.

So this is both good news and continually shitty news. Separate classes of antidepressants are associated with anorgasmia and desire/arousal side effects, so for women taking SSRIs, Viagra might be an option. At $13 a pop, it's pretty fucking pricey.

That or Wellbutrin.

I would be remiss if I didn't send you over to Leonore Tiefer's website. Go check it out.

Austin-area Bargain: STI testing for $15

I called up Planned Parenthood of the Texas Capital Region to inquire about STI testing and a test for chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis and HIV costs a mind-boggling $91. Then I called the Austin Travis County Health Department and they do the same test--with a free herpes screen if indicated--for $15.

The Health Department doesn't have a good website, but call 972-5580 for an appointment. This won't hurt a bit.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Sex Quiz

Try this one and see if you can beat me. I got 9 out of 10 right.

Little Used Masturbation Tool:
The Butt Plug

Q: My boyfriend wants to try anal sex but I'm terrified that it'll hurt too much. Is there anything I can do to make it easier? I already took your advice and bought Maximus lube.


Dear Mimi,

Few people would think to include anal play in their masturbation repetoire, but exploring your backdoor yourself is a good way to get comfortable with the idea of having something in there and realize how good it can feel.

Tristan Taormino, author of the must-read The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, writes on her website:
Decide to work your way up to one finger, two, or a small butt plug on your first try; that way, you won't rush things. Going too fast or trying to do too much is a surefire route to pain and discomfort, which we don't want. Practice a few times with fingers or small toys before you whip [the] dick out.
The more of this practice you do on your own, the better prepared you'll be to know how you'll respond when you start to go anal with your boyfriend.

As a bonus, butt plugs take up space inside the pelvis that makes it a whole lot easier to reach the G-spot with your fingers, vibrator, dildo, or whatever toy you're using.

The best thing you can do to get your body psyched for anal sex is to have an orgasm with a butt plug or fingers in your ass. That teaches your body that pleasure and orgasm are possible with anal sex--something that you'll be happy to have learned before anyone puts their cock in your ass.

Good luck!

Go-To Girl

PS-Maximus is the best.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Q: Boyfriend Hates Condoms
A: Blah, blah, blah

Spermicides are gross.

Note to readers: Yes, it's masturbation week. No, spermicide has nothing to do with masturbation. But the urgency of this question (see the postscript) made me want to drop masturbation for a few minutes and answer.

Dearest Go-To Girl,

My boyfriend is about to visit for our only time together in the next five months or so, because I'm studying abroad, so obviously sex is a top priority. Normally we just rely on the pill, [we've both been checked for STDs and are clean] but I've been on antibiotics for the past 9 days, which I know can mess with estrogens.

I've suggested using a condom for a few days, but he's completely rebuffed by the idea [could have something to do with his feeling "small" -even though he's not- and like the condoms "don't fit" him.] I went out and bought "snugger fit" condoms, but he still is pretty cool to the idea.

Today, he suggested using spermicide. Now, it could be just me, but putting some crazy chemical in my vag that falls in the categories of herbicide, pesticide, suicide and homicide gives me the heebyjeebies. Also, I've heard that it can really irritate your tissue, and if that happens then our two week stay will be fucked. Or actually, not fucked at all. Which is a problem too.

But MOST of all, I do NOT want to be PREGNANT in MEXICO.

Su ayuda, por favor...,
Feeling Sperimicidal?

PS-He's coming in two days.

Dear F.S.,

Blah blah blah, condoms are too tight for me, blah blah blah, they make sex feel weird, blah blah blah, I can't stay hard, blah blah blah. If I had just a penny for every time a guy has uttered one of the endless litany of excuses not to use condoms, I would be one rich sex blogger.

Your boyfriend is being a total douche. Here's the problem with spermicide:
a) it's a gel/foam/suppository/film that dissolves in your vagina and immobilizes sperm, preventing them from entering the cervix and fertilizing an egg;
b) it's a gel/foam/etc. that you put in your vagina that tastes like fucking gross chemical (doesn't anyone remember how nasty condoms with Nonoxynol-9 were?) and will totally burn your tongue, so oral sex is out;
c) with perfect use, it's only 81% effective. Withdrawal is more effective than that.
You have a couple of options here.

1. Don't have sex unless your boyfriend grows the fuck up and uses condoms.

2. Use spermicide, avoid pregnancy, get a raging vaginal infection. In Mexico.

3. Use spermicide, get pregnant anyway, get a raging vaginal infection. In Mexico.

4. Use condoms. Have all the sex you want. Avoid pregnancy. In Mexico.

5. Don't use anything, take Plan B. If you can get your hands on it. In Mexico.

See where I'm going with this? Spermicide is your worst option. It's not very effective, it can cause serious vaginal and penile infections, it's a chemical that will go into your vagina and smell and taste absolutely gross and then drip slowly out of you after sex. Yuck.

Condoms are clean, don't smell gross, prevent the slow dripping of anything out of you, and are super effective at preventing pregnancy. Order some Kimono Type E's and go at it.

Go-To Girl