Monday, July 30, 2007

Q: I don't want to sound conceited or anything, but I really think Magnums are more comfortable. A: Riiight.

Dear Go-To Girl,

I don't want to sound like a douchebag, but I really think that the Magnum condoms are more comfortable. I never thought that I was that big, but hey, can't argue with an unbiased product, right?

Hope to see you soon,
Apparently Magnum Size, PhD

Dear Dr. AMS,

Wow! Congratulations on your discovery. You'd be amazed how often guys tell me this. I'm sure the guys around the sandbox will be pumped to hear about how you "have" to use Magnums. Maybe you should have a contest to see who can pee the farthest.

But seriously. Not to burst your bubble, but there's some bad news here. The base of a Magnum condom--the part that most guys complain is too tight on regular condoms--is exactly the same size as a regular Trojan condom*. I can't tell you why I know this, but I guarantee that it's true. So just because you find the Magnums more comfortable doesn't mean that you're bigger than average.

Straight cylinder Ultra Thin

The difference between the Magnum and, say, the UltraThin is that the condom is shaped like a baseball bat, so it's wider at the top whereas a traditional condom is the same circumference at the bottom and the top. I think that the reason it feels less tight at the base is because loosening up a condom at one end probably allows more blood flow in the penis overall and makes you feel less...suffocated in there.

Baseball-bat shaped Magnum

Some 90% of people's interpretation of and satisfaction with penis size is psychological, so if buying Magnums makes sex feel better for you and provides you with some advantage with the ladies (or dudes, as the case may be) then go forth and fuck appropriately. But you're not the only guy trying to play the Magnum card, pal. Sorry.

Love Always,
Go-To Girl (Aka Mrs. Magnum)

* The Magnum XL is actually slightly bigger at the base.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

What I'm Listening To

Summer is a time of sensuality and sitting on the beach in a bikini reading Thug-a-licious just wouldn't be as hot if I didn't have a bunch of sweet-ass music to listen to.

First up: "Double Up" by R. Kelly.
To all the haters who constantly remind me that R. Kelly may or may not be on trial for peeing on a 13 year old girl (or something): this man doesn't give a fuck what you think about his sexual exploits. And neither do I. R. Kelly has not shied away from his sexual side just because he may or may not have committed statutory rape by way of golden showers.

"Double Up" opens with the defiant "The Champ" that has a clear "Fuck Y'all" message and goes right into the title track that features, appropriately, Snoop Dogg. The message of "Double Up" is that ladies at the club shouldn't worry about going home with Kels or Dogg just because their friend is with them; she can be easily accomodated, too. Kels has room for a "freak in the front and a freak in the back." Threesomes, people.

For the most part Kels' lyrical style is hyper-literalism, along the lines of "Leave Your Name" and "Flirt." R. Kelly wants to fuck you (or your chick) and he will stop at nothing to achieve his goal. He will flirt with your girl, give her his number, fuck her like you can't, eat that pussy like you won't, and generally show her a better time than anyone on the planet. And, he reminds you, he can do this because he is "The King of R and B," an real playa, a balla, makin' the real paper, and so on.

But Kels is not a one trick lyrical pony: he uses metaphor beautifully in tracks like "The Zoo" and "Sex Planet" that feature lines like:

"I've got you so wet/it's like a rainforest/like Jurassic Park except that/I'm your sexasaurus" (insert monkey sounds here [seriously])--"The Zoo"

"I'm about tickle and touch your soul/Once I enter into your black hole...Girl I promise this will be painless, painless/We'll take a trip to planet Uranus" --"Sex Planet"

The entire album isn't about fucking, at least not directly: it's also about being famous (and all the girls Kels is fucking as a result), having a baby (presumably due to fucking), the Virginia Tech massacre (and how R. wants to fuck their pain away), dating the same girl as a close friend (who, I think, both Kels and Usher are fucking), getting a quality girl to hook Kels up with a quality friend (so he can fuck her), being on a girl's ringtone (because he's fucked her), reggae music (because they love fucking him in Jamaica), trying to get a phone number (so he can fuck her), looking for a "main chick" or a "potential wife" (to fuck, also), getting freaky in the club, and so on.

As a cautionary note, should anyone be confused about the potential uses of this album, "Double Up" should absolutely not be used as music to fuck by. Having sex and listening to R. Kelly at the same time is the carnal equivalent of "crossing the streams" and I think it's really possible that one might die from doing so.

Buy this album. Immediately.

G-Pain (aka Go-To Girl)

PS-I'm also listening to "Infinity on High" by Fall Out Boy. A lot. And "Thunder, Lightning, Strike" by The Go! Team.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Summer Reading Spectacular

So I was at the beach this weekend and I had with me a couple of books that I feel obligated, as both a sex expert and a literary gal, to tell you about lest you find yourself on the beach and in need of reading material.

Thug-a-licious, by Noire.
I have seen lots of people (ladies, mostly) reading this on the subway and being admittedly totally unaware of the black erotic fiction genre, I was super excited when I found it in the fiction section of the library. So I picked it up. It's about a guy who is an amazing basketball player and rapper and has like 9 kids and a steady girlfriend and is running around Harlem fucking girls and settling scores.

That's about the size of it. The sex scenes are way more graphic than what I would've expected to find in the public library. I give this book an 8 for entertainment and a 10 for being a fantastic conversation starter, especially when you're with people you've never met before.

The Book of the Courtesans
, by Susan Griffin.
Obviously, I mostly only read books about sex. This book is a historical account of courtesans in Europe and makes it seem like a pretty badass lifestyle. Having sex, collecting jewelry, not having to be married, exerting undue influence on important political leaders--sounds right up my alley.

1984, by George Orwell.
I managed, somehow, never to have read this in high school or college. So I'm giving it a shot as my "serious" summer reading book. I haven't started it yet, but I'm looking forward to realizing how many literary jokes I've missed out on over the years as a result of not having read 1984.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Girls Gone Wild!!! Q: Why don't American girls put out? A: Because you're an asshole.

All the way from The Continent:

Dear Go-To Girl,
Hey! I've been on my trip to Europe for a few weeks and I so totally miss you.
From my travels, I thought i´d take a moment to inform you all about the crappiness of american women. American women suck. They´re bred to believe they are all princesses, watching mtv reality shows and gay romance comedies. Some vestige of puritanism still exists today in the american mind, i know this because ive noticed on this trip that american girls don´t fuck. It´s true. I spent all last night in group of 15 americans, only 5 of which were guys, and some of the girls were all over the guys. did they fuck? I think you know the answer. Scenario B, ugly dudes in Madrid, European women sort of all over them, did they fuck? Yes, they fucked.

American girls get better though. It usually takes until about a year after college when they start to connect with the real world and get over themselves. Agreed?

I can´t say im not writing this out of anger, because i wasted an entire fucking night hanging out with american girls, slowly realizing that they´re not fuck friendly, watching myself and my other male compatriots be ceaselessly teased and taunted until the very end, when we all walked back together, alone. What the fuck? Compare this to the night prior, same exact situation, replace American girls with european girls, everyone gets laid. Fucking americans.

i´m quite hungover, so excuse the poor grammer and composition.
thank you, and goodnight.

You-Know-Who (Trevor)

Dear YKW,
You're so sweet; I'm so flattered that you thought to write and tell me about how much you hate American girls and how honest you were about your poor spelling and grammar skills.

But back to your question: Obviously, these particular American girls were looking for something that you and your D just couldn't provide. And if they were just "ceaselessly teasing" you, why didn't you just leave? Because you were hoping they'd get drunk enough and/or turned on enough by your simmering bitterness to want to take you home and fuck you? Simmering bitterness definitely isn't what I look for in a man [except in you, of course]; perhaps you should've pretended you were Spanish.

I think there's a good analogy to be made here between poontang and fast food. You're basically the guy who goes all the way to Europe to go to McDonald's and expects the food to taste different than back in [place you live]. But you know what? You ought to be eating paella til you throw up and saving your desire for burgers and fries til you get home.

The last time I was abroad I did in fact meet an American guy. But in contrast to your situation, he was the complete opposite of the kind of guy I would date in America. My friends and family called him "Captain College." But I digress. The point is that traveling abroad makes you change your priorities and preferences such that up is down and down is up. I'd be willing to bet that any one of the American MTV-reality-show-watching Puritanical Princesses would have taken you home and fucked you if you were home in [place you live].

But then again, I'm not your typical American gal; perhaps that's why you emailed me. I guess next time you should offer them a thong if they'll kiss eachother or show you their tits; the Girls Gone Wild thing seems to know no bounds. But until then, I'd stick to paella while you've got it.

Best of Luck,
Go-To Girl

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Girl, the World's Sexiest Man is BACK!

For those of you who are too...ahem...young to remember Smoove B, the world's sexiest newspaper columnist, I have tremendous news: The Onion has not only brought him out of retirement but has actually created a whole page devoted to Smoove B and his smooveness, called "The Smoove Boudoir."

Please, ladies, I am on my knees begging you: go and read Smoove B. And then I will hit you doggy style all night long. And then feed you fine things, like chocolate covered raisins. And gentlemen, please read Smoove B and send your fine lady an electronic post card. Then you can hit her doggy style all night long. With chocolates and the finest champagne available at the corner store.

Mrs. Go-To Girl Smoove

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Q: My bike is giving me yeast infections! A: Ride your boyfriend instead

Dear Go-To Girl,

I am a cyclist and get frequent yeast infections, both internal and now external. This basically means I have a DIAPER RASH all over my butt, vagina, and inner thighs! My questions is that I REALLY want to have sex with my partner, so if the internal infection is subsiding, but the rash is in full flare, is it just stupid to have sex? I'm on cream and Diflucan, btw.


Abstinence is Killing Me

Dear Abstinence,

Wow. How unfortunate that God would punish you for being in such good shape. I moonlight as a Spinning instructor, so I know about the beating your Area can take when you bike a lot.

Yeast infections are caused by an overgrowth of yeast in the vagina which can be caused by a number of things but usually happens when there's been a change in the vaj's pH or you've worn, as I'm guessing in your case, the same pair of tight, super-sweaty bike shorts all day. The vagina is a delicate place and needs air to stay healthy.

While I am loath to ever recommend abstinence, sex under these conditions might make the irritation worse, so it's up to you to decide whether or not you can stand another couple of days of chastity. Fucking with a yeast infection won't kill you and it might, er, scratch your itch in a way that nothing else can.

If you do decide to go ahead and scratch your itch with your partner, make sure you use lots of lube and condoms. You don't want to add to the irritation by rubbing off more skin and semen is the very last thing you want to introduce into your vaj at this point. See this post for more on that.

Cringing and cross-legged,
Go-To Girl

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Flattery all around: Lingering Fishbowl Questions, Part 3

Part 3 of 4 of questions from the FGC Fishbowl.

Dear Go-To Girl,
I know you're really busy, but can I be your 10-10-50 man? I swear I'm more of a 30-10-40 guy.
Room 103

Dear Room 103,
Aw, I'm flattered! But thanks; I'm not really looking for a 10-10-50 (or a 30-10-40) guy at the moment. If you need to review the 10-10-50 rule, click here and here for the previous posts.

But here are the basics:
10: the number of minutes, from entry to exit, that sex should take.
10: the number of minutes a foreplay blowjob should last. (Sorry, guys)
50: the maximum percentage of a person's tongue that should be inserted into another person's mouth when kissing.

People continue to challenge me on the validity of the 10-10-50 rule but I stand firmly behind it. So I'm creating a challenge: the next time you get busy, look at the clock and report back to Go-To Girl about what you find. I'll keep you anonymous so nobody will know who's a 3-minute girl or a 55-minute guy (I'm looking at you, room 103). This way we can tally real information and test the validity of 10-10-50.

But I maintain the reasoning behind the original 10-10-50: guys, you are far better off shooting for a solid 10-minutes of fucking than struggling to last for longer and not being any good because you can't concentrate on having fun. Lasting longer comes with age and, believe me, there are girls out there (ahem) who will tell you when your 10 minutes is up. Some of us are busy, y'all!

Go-To Girl

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

South Carolina wins "American Cockblocker" Award

Goddammit. I mean, seriously.

Thou Shalt Not Fuck Vegetables: Lingering Fishbowl Questions, Part 2

Part 2 in a 4-part series of leftover questions from the FGC Fishbowl.

Q: What are some good cheap/grocery store dildos?

A: For the LOVE OF GOD, do NOT put any fruits or vegetables in your orifices. Seriously. There is a tremendous variety of noxious chemicals sprayed on all kinds of produce (especially cucumbers, a common veggie-cum-sex toy) that are absolutely not okay to introduce to your internal surfaces.

Other objects, like candles, flashlights, water bottles and the like can be okay if and only if they are absolutely clean--but be gentle using anything hard. Do not, under any circumstances, put anything in your ass that does not have either a string or a flared base. Any emergency room doctor will tell you horror stories about the things they've had to surgically remove from people's asses. I'm all for anal experimentation, but use your fingers, a penis, or a toy designed for that purpose.

Right: Anal beads, with a circular handle so they don't get lost.

If you really want a cheap, entry-level dildo, try a jelly toy. They suck, but they're cheap and if you really like using a dildo, you can trade up for something better and silicone. See this previous post on jelly vs. silicone toys.


Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Talking Dirty: Lingering Fishbowl Questions, Part 1

Friends: There were a few questions floating around the girl circle of the FGC Fishbowl last week that didn't get answered, so I'm offering my thoughts on them. My apologies to the original question writers if I paraphrase incorrectly. This is Part 1 of 4.

Q: What about noises/talking during sex?

A: Everybody feels differently about how a hookup should sound: some people want a play-by-play and others prefer "Meeting for Worship with a Concern for Getting it On." I think humans can generally be divided into three broad categories: breathers, moaners, and talkers.

Breathers might not make much noise but will breathe in ways that, if interpreted correctly, are totally hot. Especially if they're breathing heavily in your ear while sucking on your earlobe. Or whatever.

Moaners moan without having to try; they get hit in the right spot or licked in the right way and they can't not make noise.

Talkers can be good talkers or bad talkers. Good talkers say things that are hot and make you feel good; bad talkers make inappropriate comments and kill the mood.

One important note about talking: the first time you hook up with someone, you should tell them they're beautiful. Especially if they're a girl. There are no exceptions to this rule other than using a synonym for "beautiful" like "gorgeous" or "so fucking hot." Doing this a) makes the girl think you're all sensitive and nice (which can, ahem, open doors) and b) is just good policy.

Becoming a Moaner

If you're naturally quiet during sex, don't fake moaning; just try to identify the times and feelings that elicit heavy breathing and try to add a little bit of a moan to the mix. Eventually, moans will come to you naturally. But don't overdo it: not everything should make you moan like you're about to come. The person pleasing you wants to earn those sounds. There's nothing worse than hearing someone sound like the star of "Cum Guzzling Sluts Part 7."

If you're such a moaner that you do really sound like a pornstar, try gagging yourself or putting a pillow over your face. It will be that much hotter when you can moan again.

How to Talk

Talking dirty, for those to whom it doesn't come naturally, is an art form that can take an average sexual experience all the way to awesome. If your partner asks you to talk dirty to them, here are a few places to start:

"I can't wait to ____ you"
"Your ____ feels so fucking good"
"I love it when you ____ me"
"Your ____ gets so ____ when I ____ it"
"Your ____ is going to make me come"

(Words like "pussy" and "cock" are definitely appropriate for the blanks)

And so on. The worst mistake you can make when talking is to come up with a script and use it again and again. Your partner will remember if you said "I love it when your ____ gets tight when I ____ you" the last time you ____ed them.

If your partner has specific fantasies or things they want you to say to them during sex, by all means indulge them. But if something makes you uncomfortable (using the word "Daddy" comes to mind), say so. Talking should make things hotter, not weird.

The most important thing about noise during sex is to not stifle sounds. Don't bite your tongue and not moan or say, "Ohmigod, you're so fucking hot" because you're nervous. And while I don't normally play the age card, the older you get the less worried you are about what you might say and the louder things get. And, believe me, it's hot.

Chances are whatever moans, heavy breathing, or brief comments you would unconsciously make are the actually hottest thing you could contribute to the sexual dialogue between you and your partner.

I love it when you ____ my ____,
Go-To Girl