Thursday, December 20, 2007

You May Exhale: Kels Made it to Court

Kels, those jail scrubs just don't flatter you.


Kels' judicial bullshit continued today when he arrived, as commanded, at his trial (20 minutes early, no less) only to have the hearing continued til Friday. When will these people stop wasting Kels' time?

More details have emerged regarding the reason behind Kels' delay:

There was "some snow" in Sacramento, where he had played a show earlier this week;

His buses were pulled over for driving "in excess" of 100 miles per hour;

The drivers hadn't had their required 8 hours of rest and had to stop.

The judge is even threatening to revoke Kels' bond, which would obviously bring the rousing success of his national tour to a tragic end. Come on, hater Judge Gaughan. Kels just wants to love you.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Breaking News: Arrest Warrant for Kels!


From the Chi-town Tribune:

R. Kelly missed a court date today due to a traffic snafu in Utah, and Assistant State Hater (Attorney) Shauna Boliker cut him no slack.
"It is an abuse of the process and disrespectful of the court and your honor for everyone who has come prepared to go," she said. "The leeway the court has given him to go on a 45-city tour, to do whatever he pleases. The very least he could do is be here for his appointed court date."

If I'm not mistaken the trial, which was originally scheduled for this past September, had to be put on hold because a certain Ms. Boliker had a baby.

Surely R. Kelly's marathon national tour deserves at least as much flexibility as Ms. Boliker's little baby.

Again: Kels is on trial for allegedly videotaping himself having sex with a girl who allegedly may have been 13 at the time of the taping. The girl in question, however, denies that she's the one on the tape.

I can't make this stuff up: The Global Orgasm for Peace

Really, people, I can't even dream up stuff this ridiculous. While vacationing in the secret Marin County town of Bolinas, California this weekend I came upon an article in the local paper about--wait for it--The Synchronized Global Orgasm for Peace.

The idea behind the Global Orgasm is that, apparently, some Scientist somewhere believes that the positive energy emitted after an orgasm could, if done on a mass global scale, really make peace in the world.

According to Scientists at the "Global Consciousness Project," which, apparently, exists:

Our minds influence Matter and Quantum Energy fields, so by concentrating our thoughts during and after The Big O on peace and partnership, the combination of high orgasmic energy combined with mindful intention for peace could reduce global levels of violence, hatred and fear.

Obviously, the Global Orgasm will take place on Solstice, which is to say, December 22nd. For those of you not currently residing in New Age La-La Land, solstice is both the shortest day of the year and a day that hippies believe has magical powers. Or whatever.

This is from the website:
WHO? All Men and Women, you and everyone you know.

WHERE? Everywhere in the world, but especially in countries with weapons of mass destruction and places where violence is used in place of mediation.

WHEN? Solstice Day - December 22, at 06:08 Universal Time (GMT)

WHY? To effect positive change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible instantaneous surge of human biological, mental and spiritual energy.

In case you'd like to participate (and, hey, it can't hurt), here are the times in America:

Washington, DC: Saturday, 1:08 am
Chi-town (I figure Kels can do plenty for world peace): Saturday, 12:08 am
San Francisco: Friday, 10:08 pm

Good luck, everyone. If the war is still going on come Sunday, I'll know ya'll didn't come hard enough.


Monday, December 10, 2007

Q: I bought "The Cone." I hate it. A: You're SOL.

Dear Go-To Girl,
I made a huge mistake. After my recent breakup, I desperately needed a new sex toy and I bought one without consulting you first. I got "The Cone." I hate it. What should I do?
Confused by the Cone

Dear CC,

I, too, am confused by The Cone. Every time I went to visit my friend who works at Babeland I would put my hands around it and wonder why anyone would spend $130 on a vibrating cone. There are a lot of vibrator shapes out there that manage to be both weird and orgasm-inducing, but a cone-shape isn't one I think of when I think of product success.
Since you can't return sex toys, I did some research into The Cone and here are my suggestions, which are based on the user comments at the Babeland site:

You have to sit on it.
Try out all the different vibrating options.
Use a second vibe for your clit. (I know, paying $130 for something that can't stand alone is infuriating)

If all else fails, clean it thoroughly and try to pawn it off on someone else.


Friday, December 07, 2007

The Verdict is In: "Double Up" Tour is Next Weekend's Go-To Show

OMG, y'all. My old pal Kels is on tour, perhaps for the last time. For those of you who don't think about R. Kelly day and night, he's got a court date for 5 child pornography charges set for the spring. Obviously, this is a bogus trial--but nevertheless, Kels might be...indisposed for quite some time and come out of prison singing about a totally different kind of "gettin' freaky in da club." If you catch my drift.

Next Saturday, December 15th, Kels will play at the Oakland Coliseum and I will be there. The reviews are in, like this one from Vibe, and they are overwhelmingly positive. Here's a link to the tour dates.

To paraphrase T.I.,
"If you've gotta man, try to leave him if you can [and come to the R. Kelly show]. I'm a flirt."

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Teen Birth Rate Increases: What about abstinence?

From the New York Times:

Teen birth rates are up for the first time in more than 15 years. What does this mean? Well, it means that there is either more pregnancy overall or that a greater proportion of pregnant teens are choosing to give birth instead of having an abortion or, perhaps, a spontaneous miscarriage. means that when they are told that questions about birth control are totally off limits in their abstinence-only sex ed class they aren't learning how to avoid getting pregnant.

But don't listen to me--listen to the "expert" at the Heritage Foundation, Robert Rector:

Robert Rector, a senior research fellow with the Heritage Foundation, said that blaming abstinence-only programs was “stupid.” Mr. Rector said that most young women who became pregnant were highly educated about contraceptives but wanted to have babies.

Right. Now listen to a real expert, my advisor at Columbia, John Santelli:

Teenage birth rates are driven by rates of sex, contraception and abortion. In the 1990s, teenage sex rates dropped and condom use rose because teenagers were scared of AIDS, said Dr. John S. Santelli, chairman of the department of population and family health at Columbia University.

And let's hear from Rector one more time:

Mr. Rector of the Heritage Foundation said that teenage and unmarried birth rates were driven by the same factors: young women with little education who are devoted to mothering but see no great need to be married.

Apparently they have "little education" overall but manage to be "highly educated" about birth control methods which they just choose not to use. Way to go, Heritage Foundation.

Rector is an idiot--why not send him an email and tell him so?