Monday, October 30, 2006

The Rules of Queer Dating, part 1

1: "Be a creature unlike any other." Could anything be more appropriate for queers? "Creature" necessarily allows room for genderfucking, so this book is great for y'all. So get your drag on, dress up as that Asian gal from The Holograms, or a greaser mechanic, whatever.
2: "Don't stare at [people] or talk too much." Unless you're going to walk up to someone and tell them you want to take them home, don't stare. It's just not polite.
3: "Don't meet [them] halfway or go dutch on a date." Call me old fashioned, but I'm a femme and I expect to be taken out. Non-heteronormative of gender-binary-abiding people can figure this one out on their own, but somebody should just pay. There's nothing more gauche than talking about money.
4: "Don't call [them] and rarely return [their] calls." Again, this is classic hard to get. I believe that a ratio of 2 calls to 1 is good. And calls beget more calls, and I hate being on the phone.
5: "Always end phone calls first." Do this. Seriously.
6: "No more than casual kissing on the first date." This is playing hard to get with yourself. Do you really deserve to get laid right away? Doubtful.
7: "Don't expect to change a [person] or try to change [them]." This is especially key for readers of the bio-girl persuasion. For some reason, XX's make people believe that someone's "potential" is who they actually are, or that if they just quit smoking or just started listening to your favorite band, that they'll be perfect. Not so.
8: "DON'T TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS." Seriously. Be mysterious. Unless there's a real reason to make "I feel..." statements, don't.
9: "Don't live with a [person] or leave your things at [their] apartment." There is one exception to this rule, and it involves coffee. No toothbrushes, no dildos, no scented candles.
10: "Don't buy collective sex toys." This is the same principle as living with someone: when you break up, you'll have the awkward situation of dividing custody of harnesses and dildos and, in the end, nobody ends up with a full set.
11: "Don't date a married [person]." Or date someone who's in an "open," "nonmonogamous," or "polyamorous" relationship. Those relationships are primary relationships with someone who is not you.
12: "Don't sleep together every day." Hello, U-Haul? Take a day off every now and then. Like two or three times a week at least.
13: "First dates (or hookups) should not last more than 48 hours." Party plus sleeping in plus brunch plus back to bed for round two plus sleeping over again equals just about 36 hours. Keep it at that.

Monday, October 23, 2006

I am vindicated

To the valiant men with whom I played Boggle this weekend, I submit the following four (count them: four) entries from
lude  [lood] –noun Slang.
[Origin: 1975–80; by shortening] Unabridged (v 1.0.1)
Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.
lude (ld) n. Slan.
A pill or tablet containing methaqualone.
[Short for Quaalude.]
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition
lude (ld) n.
A pill or tablet that contains the drug methaqualone.
The American Heritage® Stedman's Medical Dictionary
Main Entry: lude
Pronunciation: 'lüd
Function: noun
: a pill of methaqualone —usually used in plural
Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.

In conclusion, y'all can suck it.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Q: How do lesbians have sex? A: Watch this movie.

If I had to count on one hand how many times I've been asked the real, earnest "How DO lesbians have sex, GTG?" question, well, I'd never be able to fist anyone again. If you have a hard time imagining what lesbians do when they have sex, this movie is for you.
The movie "The Crash Pad" is a virtual instructional manual for how dykes really do it. It starts out with a 2 strap-on threesome, moves into a classic butch-femme fuck scene that culminates with female ejaculation (really), and then there are scenes of serious finger-fucking and self-love.
"The Crash Pad" won't show you all of the ways lesbians have sex, but it's a good starter course. And presumably it has non-educational value, too. Prepare to be surprised that it's not all stroking and kissing on cheeks and whatever else they do in girl-on-girl porn. And the girls are hot, but most of them aren't 'porno' hot.
Buy the video at

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Q: Blow job herpes? A: Yes

Dear Go-To Girl,
You're so great, I love you soooo much. Here's my question: is it possible to transmit oral herpes to genitals and vice versa?

Dear Clark,
The rumor is true: not only is it possible for oral herpes (Herpes Simplex 1) to be transmitted to the genitals, oral-to-genital transmission was shown to be the cause of 78% of all genital herpes infections.* Here's the rub: back in the old days, you know, when our parents were (not) having sex, people apparently didn't "go downtown" as much as we sluts do today. So Herpes Simplex 1 (oral) and Herpes Simplex 2 (genital) were relatively independent viruses. It should be noted that the viruses are not significantly different in their manifestation on the body, just that they happened to inhabit different regions. But since there's so much oral going on these days (and thank g-d for that) the viruses are getting completely crossed.
So what can you do? If you have a cold sore on your mouth, don't go around giving head to everyone you know. If you have a sore in your "area," well, keep it to yourself.


*Roberts, Craig M. PA-C, MS *; Pfister, John R. MS +; Spear, Scott J. MD, "Increasing Proportion of Herpes Simplex Virus Type 1 as a Cause of Genital Herpes Infection in College Students." Sexually Transmitted Diseases. 30(10):797-800, October 2003.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Hickeys are for hustlas

What's a gal to do if she winds up with one, two, or, say, nine hickeys on her neck? I've done some field research in this matter, and here are my conclusions based on available data:
1. Hickeys are not just for high school kids anymore. Few things are more effective at saying, 'Fuck all y'all, I got some last night' than a neckful of hickeys.
2. Covering them up, either by wearing a turtleneck or scarf, especially in non-winter weather, is totally lame. It says, 'I'm embarrassed that I got some last night,' which is not hot.
3. If you have, say, a job interview and really need to reduce the visibility of your partner's overzealousness, here's what you can do: put toothpaste on it. Really.
But hickeys are like the new 30; getting one says, 'I'm not embarrassed to be marked territory.' Or maybe just that you like to be bitten.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Don't listen to your classmates

Dear Go-To Girl,

I was in class the other day and heard several of my classmates talking about using citrus rinds as diaphrams for birth control! They said the acid kills the sperm. Is this true? Even if it is true, could it possibly be effective birth control? And even if it was effective, wouldn't it be painful or dangerous? What would be the advantage of the this natural method?



Dear Brooklyn,

Unless they teach a class called "Secret 19th Century Birth Control Methods of the Stupid and Pregnant" at your school, don't listen to these classmates. While the rind of, say, an orange might from a great distance resemble a diaphragm, there are a few important differences between the two. First of all, a diaphragm is made of really flexible material; orange rinds are hard. Whether or not you could even put an orange rind in your cooch is an open question.

Here's the deal with acidity and the vagina: the vaginal environment is acidic, and sperm is relatively neutral but leans toward alkaline. So to change the pH of the vagina by using something acidic (citrus rinds, vinegar, battery acid, whatever) could make what is normally a hospitable environment for sperm hostile and, in theory, kill them. But the withdrawal method also theoretically prevents sperm from fertilizing an egg, so don't rely on a theoretical understanding to keep you from getting pregnant.
File this one under "WTF."