Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Q: Should I get a Brazilian wax the day before my boyfriend comes home? A: Not unless he's blind.

Ouch! Make sure the person waxing you speaks enough English to understand when you say "STOP!".

Dear Go-To Girl,

So I've been wanting to get a Brazilian bikini was for ages now and my boyfriend has been away all summer so now seems like a perfect time. What's the recovery like? If I get waxed the day before he comes home, will I be in too much pain to fuck all weekend?

We haven't seen each other in so long that I can't tolerate anything standing in the way of us having constant sex for at least 3 days.


Wannabe Brazilian

Dear WB,

Having had some recent experience in this area, I can tell you that a Brazilian wax will not leave you in too much pain to have sex (a friend of mine describes the feeling as "hurts so good") but your area will look puffy, red, and unappealing, which is kind of the diametric opposite of what you're going for when you get a Brazilian.

I think you need a few days to visually recover, but you can definitely have sex right away. The part that hurts the most is the mons; the vaj itself recovers remarkably fast. The good news about a bikini wax is that the whole process only takes about 20 minutes: a solid, excruciating 20 minutes. And then it's over.

Go Forth and Wax,

Go-To Girl

Friday, August 17, 2007

R. Kelly's Done It Again

By way of the Washington Post:

Remember "Trapped in the Closet"?

R. Kelly has come out with ten new chapters to his totally bizarre, fucking awesome video musical opus.

"Closet" follows Kels' hyper-literal lyrical style, except that in this new set of chapters there are aliens. From space. Perhaps he met them when he was taking his girl to "Sex Planet"?

Asked about his inspiration for penning the ten new chapters, Kels replied: "I don't know how to explain how I wrote it." But he assures fans that he will continue adding installments until "the aliens decide to leave."

Kels, I've got a few ideas about where your inspiration came from:

"Even after that I was taking shots, shot after shot, shot after shot..." ("Leave Your Name")

"This weed and Patron got me hazy..." ("Rock Star")

"Steppin' out the club with a dizzy head..." (Double Up")

"Smokin' some trees..." ("Leave Your Name")

"Got Patron in the club, feelin' good...hey hey, I'm feelin' good, I'm so high..." ("Get Dirty")

"On the hood of that old school, I'll be smokin' trees on it..." ("Rollin")

Perhaps we all misunderstood R. Kelly's motivation for going to the club and drinking himself into oblivion: he's not trying to get laid, he's looking for a source of inspiration. I mean, it worked for Morrison, Joplin, and Elvis: why not Kels? Let's just hope he doesn't die before his trial this September.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Q: My boyfriend won't let me finger his ass. I think he thinks it's "gay." WTF? A: Just do it.

This month, Details magazine has a provocative article about "demanding" anal sex. Read it here.

Dear Go-To Girl,

I really want to try fingering my boyfriend's ass when I'm going down on him, but he won't let me. He obviously doesn't know how good it feels or he would let me; how can I convince him? I think he thinks only gay guys like having their asses touched, but I know that's not true.


Want to Let My Fingers Do the Walking

Dear Fingerwalker,

Tons of straight guys get skeezed out by the idea of having you stick a finger in their ass, but I don't know if it's as much a fear of getting in touch with their inner gayness as much as it's a fear of something they think might be painful. Or painfully gay.

Chances are, at some point in his life, a guy has put his own finger in his ass, even if it was when he was a kid. If it felt good then, he'd still be doing it. So it's your job to connect the dots for him.

I don't know how many guys refuse to allow their girlfriend to put something in their ass; unfortunately, we don't collect statistics on that sort of thing. But most guys I know, if pressed, will admit to having tried it. It might be something that changes with age; the more experienced you get with regular, vanilla sex the more curious you become about trying new things. So if your boyfriend is, like, 22, you might trade up to an older model if you want to get kinky.

If I were you, I'd have a bottle of lube handy, maybe under the pillow or in your pocket, when you're going down on him. Get him to spread his legs and, um, surprise him with a well-lubed finger. Hopefully he'll like it so much that he'll let you stay in.

The capacity to experience pleasure with anal play is the same for guys as girls; you have to create an association in the brain that it can be pleasurable to have your ass played with. That's what makes the blowjob crucial.

If he really won't let you, I'd say let it go. Surely there are people who just can't have a good time with something in their ass. It's up to you to decide whether or not you want to be with someone who won't let you in. Having someone put their finger in your ass doesn't make you gay more than going to "gay reparative therapy" makes you straight.


GoTo Girl

Monday, August 06, 2007

Q: Do I need to get the Morning After Pill? A: If you have to ask, then yes.

Dear Go-To Girl,

So...this is awkward, because I don't want you to judge me or anything...I was using a condom and, I mean, it didn't break or anything but I think know...might have come out the top. Should I get the morning after pill? I'm pretty regular and I think I'm supposed to ovulate this weekend and I'm really worried. What should I do? Are there bad side effects?


I'm Totally Responsible

Dear ITR,

The great thing about the morning after pill is that, since you're over 18 and it's over the counter, you can just get it at the drugstore (assuming the pharmacist isn't a dick) and take it.

Plan B isn't 100% effective, but the sooner you take if after sex the better. You can take it within 5 days of unprotected sex but, ideally, you should take it right away. Having an extra dose or two laying around is a great idea, just in case you need it again sometime and run in to an asshole activist pharmacist who won't give it to you.

The side effects are usually mild and the most common are nausea and breast tenderness. But considering the nausea and breast tenderness one experiences during pregnancy, a wee bit with Plan B is a small price to pay.

If you need help finding Plan B, go here. And while you're at the drugstore, get two or three doses. Men can buy it, too.

You can also use regular birth control pills as emergency contraception. Here is a chart that explains how many pills of each brand to take.

Go-To Girl

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

"You've Got to be Fucking Kidding Me"--Wednesday Edition

Keep it to yourself, vegan.

Via "Human Nature" on apparently there are people in New Zealand who describe themselves as "vegansexuals." As if being vegan weren't intolerable enough (hello? God made meat delicious so we would want to eat it) now they have the gall to think that they're turning us carnivores down for sex.

The joke's on you, vegans--I think it's we meateaters who are proudly declining to have sex with you, and not the other way around. That deafening silence in your ear while you have your grass salad and juice? The sound of meat eaters not hitting on you, not asking you out, and not breathing heavily whilst fucking you. Good luck perpetuating your species.

Go-To Girl, former vegan-dater