Karma Chameleon.

If you look of pictures of me as a kid dressed up in sequined, crazy dance outfits (thanks, A) standing in the living room (yes, my life has been one big game of dress up) you will see the Culture Club album in the family record box (a fruit crate, we were so bohemian) behind me.

I vividly remember the video for "Karma Chameleon" (it's really weird) having to do with pretty people dressed up in antebellum-looking clothes (there are slaves, gentry, prostitutes, and a riverboat) and throwing lots of fake gold coins around.

So it's kind of ironic that Boy George was recently convicted of "falsely imprisoning" a male escort. With handcuffs.

Um, was this the escort's first time? Did he not know that Boy George is, um, pretty well documented as being a little freaky?

Obviously escorts should be able to consent to sex and any BDSM elements but handcuffs are just so banal! Anwyay...just a little fun for your weekend.

The Ultimate Love Triangle Herpes Ethics Question

In a love triangle? Ask Tila Tequila for help.

Dear Go-To Girl,
I'm sleeping with this girl who's an old friend of mine. We're keeping things casual. I have genital herpes; she knows. I take Valtrex and I haven't had an outbreak in ages. Here's the question: I know that the girl I'm seeing is also sleeping with another guy in our circle of friends. Am I obligated to tell him that I have herpes, since there's a possibility he might be at risk?
Jerry

Dear Jerry,
You know how I feel about herpes.* So given that you 1) haven't had an outbreak in ages and 2) t his girl you're sleeping with knows you have herpes and 3) are taking Valtrex, I don't think you're obligated at all to tell dude # 2 that you have HSV. If anyone here is obligated to disclose, it's her.

Unless, of course, you're really hoping that he doesn't know how I feel about herpes* and will freak out and bail if you tell him, leaving you to have the girl all to yourself. In which case, I mean, all's fair in love and war. I guess.

But talking about herpes and the fact that you have it improves things for people who have herpes in general. Most people I know claim not to know anyone who has herpes when in fact some 75% of their friends are walking around with the HSV. So coming out of the closet really helps to destigmatize and de-other herpes infection. And, like I said, it's just not that big of a deal.

So consider carefully whether you want to scare this guy off, because you either will scare him or it will seem like you're trying to scare him, which will look like a huge cockblock. But ethically? Nah, don't tell him.

Love,
GTG



*In case you don't know how I feel about it, here's the lowdown: herpes is not a big deal. While genital herpes is the most stigmatized STI, it causes no problems other than physical discomfort and never progresses to anything more serious. Herpes isn't "curable" but anitviral meds (including Valtrex) are super effective at suppressing outbreaks and reducing transmission risk. So relax already. Read more about herpes here.

There is still no cure: World AIDS Day

In honor of World AIDS Day and because I told you so, go and get tested today. The only way to know your HIV/STI status is to get tested.

Chances are good your local health department or Planned Parenthood is doing free testing today; put on a red ribbon and go get a needle stick. It'll be good for you.

If you're in Austin, the Austin Travis County RBJ Clinic at 15 Waller Street will have free testing from 12-8. The map is below. Go on down.


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Hello, it's polyANDRY!

I'm not sure what to think of this ad campaign--nor can I figure out what it's an ad campaign for. But I love the idea of a glamorous lady with 5 husbands! The fake organization is called "Pals of Polygamy* LLC." It's a travel website, clearly, but who? Travelocity? Orbitz? Hotwire?



*When a woman has more than one husband, it's called "polyandry." Duh.

Viagra in Sports: Who Knew?

From today's Times, further proof that Viagra is the craziest, most super-human substance on the planet: studies are being done to find out whether taking the little blue pill gives athletes unfair advantages.

“Basically, it allows you to compete with a sea level, or near-sea level, aerobic capacity at altitude,” Kenneth W. Rundell, the director of the Human Performance Laboratory at Marywood, said of Viagra.

I'm not going to go into why the whole 'sea level' thing is kinda dirty sounding, but what about the huge, 4-hour boners the dudes will get while they're cycling/running/swimming?

What's next, Viagra turns you into Superman?

Q: Is an IUD a sexually transmitted disease? A: No

The Paragard IUD

Dear Go-To Girl,

What's an IUD? I met this girl who said she had one and I got freaked out. Does that mean she has warts on her hoo-hoo?

Love,
All I got was "Abstinence"


The Mirena IUD

Dear AA,

You poor thing. You missed a golden opportunity because the intrauterine device (IUD) is actually the most effective birth control method available! You could've banged away to your heart's content. But, alas, these devices are relatively uncommon in the U.S. and with the state of sex education, it's no surprise that you thought "IUD" meant "disease."

Here's the deal: an IUD is a small, T-shaped device that is inserted into the uterus through the cervix (ouch!). There are two IUDs available and they work slightly differently: The Paragard has copper wire wrapped around it that affects enzymes in the uterus, making it a hostile environment for any fertilized eggs. The Mirena releases a tiny amount of progesterone that prevents ovulation.

Now for the mysterious part: the presence of either IUD in the uterus essentially makes the body think that since there's some foreign object inside, that it can't support a pregnancy. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true.

The IUD is more effective than sterilization. Seriously. The Paragard lasts at least ten years (but you can keep it in longer) and the Mirena lasts five years. They're pretty pricey to start with if your insurance doesn't cover the device (like $200 or so) but spread out over five or ten years, they're the cheapest method out there.

The IUD has a little piece of string (fishing line, basically) that hangs out through the cervix so you can make sure it's still in place. If you contract an STI and don't get treated, this string slightly increases the risk of pelvic inflammatory disease which can, if untreated, lead to infertility. So use condoms, get tested, get treatment if you wind up with an STI.

Side effects include cramping (which, with the Mirena, is more mild than Paragard) and heavier periods, but that's it. None of that birth control pill weight gain or libido loss or generalized craziness. Some women expel the IUD but that's a pretty uncommon occurrence.

If you want to get an IUD, you'll probably have to convince your doctor that you've done your homework. So research the Paragard here and the Mirena here. And if you decide it's the right method for you, don't take no for an answer.

Love,
Go-To Girl (I Heart Paragard)

Did Jesus Die for Anal? The Father-Daughter Purity Ball is Back!

Puke, vomit, retch, blech, ugh, I hate it.

I've written about so-called "Father-Daughter Purity Balls" before, and this new website (thanks, S, for the tip) is just as gross. Here's the "pledge" the fathers take in front of God, their daughters, and eachother:

I, (DAUGHTER'S NAME)'S FATHER, CHOOSE BEFORE GOD TO COVER MY DAUGHTER AS HER AUTHORITY AND PROTECTION IN THE AREA OF PURITY. I WILL BE PURE IN MY OWN LIFE AS A MAN, HUSBAND AND FATHER. I WILL BE A MAN OF INTEGRITY AND ACCOUNTABLITY AS I LEAD, GUIDE AND PRAY OVER MY DAUGHTER AND MY FAMILY AS THE HIGH PRIEST IN MY HOME. THIS COVERING WILL BE USED BY GOD TO INFLUENCE GENERATIONS TO COME.

We all know how effective pledges are when it comes to things like abstinence (not at all), allegiance to the flag (totally meaningless), giving money to NPR (not 100%), and so on, so I have low expectations of fathers standing up in front of a group of other douchebags and promising that they won't cheat on their wives (!) or look at internet pornography (!!). Not to mention all the creepy, patriarchal, ownership language included in the pledge.

After the fathers take their "pledges" the daughters go up to the front of the room, where there's a cross (obviously, because Jesus hates premarital sex), "The daughters silently commit to live pure lives before God through the symbol of laying down a white rose at the cross."

The rose is white. Because they're all virgins. Get it?

Here's a nice reminder from one of the Father-Daughter Purity Ball Founder's seven (!) children, Khrystian:

Purity that sets us free starts with repentance to our Lord who died to forgive us. Can he forgive us for last night? Of course. His sacrifice covers us. Can He forgive us of last week? Yes, of course. He shed His blood for that.

So then it is okay to have premarital sex? Because Jesus shed His blood for that? I'm sorry, Purity People, but the Jesus I know and love is pretty tied up with actual human suffering to be bothered with your "purity."

But I do have one question--did Jesus die for anal?

Partied too hard last night? Picked up the Clap?

Found out the hard way that yes, you are at risk for gonorrhea? Can't face calling up the last person you had sex with to tell them the news?

Send them an anonymous e-card from InSpot.org!

The site provides local resources for testing and treatment, but anyone can send a card to inform past (or current) partners that they might be at risk for an STI.

This is especially good for the guys who say, "I don't need to use condoms. My girlfriend is on the pill." They'll find out the hard way that the pill doesn't provide protection from STIs. Duh.

America: Fuck Yeah

Seriously.

Wake Me Up When It's All Over

Sorry that I can't muster up much today--I'm totally freaking out about the election and am going to turn my brain off until tomorrow. At which point I'll either rejoice or begin making plans to move to France. Oui!

My good pal Mark Regnerus, sociologist extraordinaire at the University of Texas at Austin, is prominently featured in an article in this week's New Yorker entitled "Red Sex, Blue Sex."

Basically, more red-state, evangelical teenagers have sex earlier (we call it "debut") and get pregnant and then get married, because there isn't much else in their future. No surprise there. And then those marriages are more likely to end in divorce relative to blue staters. But here's the question no one can answer: who is actually having better sex?

Go read it. It'll twist your mind up.

Getting Fucked: Insurance Companies Overcharge Women

As if the gobbledygook from both candidates about their "health plans" which will, in Obama's case, not actually cover all people or, in McCain's case, actually tax people on health benefits for the first time since ERISA was passed in the 1970s, wasn't enough to drive you completely insane, brace yourselves.

According to a report in the New York Times, women purchasing individual (i.e., not employer-based) health plans pay on average 30% more for their policies than men. Why? Because they "use more healthcare" and "have children."

"Using more healthcare" usually means that women get less sick than men--this is one reason why women live longer. Men are less likely to go to the doctor until they are very sick or broken or coughing up blood--which means expensive bills later instead of women's smaller bills over time. But insurance companies hope against hope (and, a lot of times, they're right) that men will wait until they're 65 to get really expensively sick and then they're Medicare's problem.

But the part that really burns my cookies is the maternity coverage. Many insurance plans cost more even if they don't include maternity benefits, which is an optional coverage that costs even more. Yes, pregnancy and childbirth are expensive and require regular medical care--but women aren't pregnant all the time so to overcharge them every month for premiums is discriminatory and ridiculous.

And even if women are the only ones who actually get pregnant, in the aggregate, men usually have a role in getting them into that family way so it's fair to share the financial burden.

Moral of the story: Insurance companies--fuck 'em.

Not in New York: Manhattan College's "Virgin Club"

The New York Times reports that the president (cum priest) of Manhattan College (which is not in Manhattan at all, but in Riverdale, which is in the Bronx) proposed to students that to aid them in abiding by the school's rule that they not have sex on campus, someone found an abstinence club.

No takers.

The student newspaper, The Quadrangle, broke the story to much acclaim. I know the feeling. Back in the days of yore my first published article was about the sex policy* at my Very Exclusive Quaker Boarding School, entitled, I kid you not, "Sex From All Angles" It was read simultaneously by every student in the school. Suffice it to say, the taste of fame has stayed with me.

To paraphrase a quoted student who was my boyfriend in ninth grade, "Sex is not an ill." Manhattan College, take note: it won't work.

*Sexuality
Very Exclusive Quaker Boarding School understands that adolescent development includes issues of friendship, attachment, and romantic intimacy. While affirming young people’s need to express their sexuality, the School believes that adolescents are not yet ready to bear the responsibilities associated with sexual intimacy. Therefore, the School’s policy is that intimate sexual contact among students is not appropriate within the context of school life and may have disciplinary consequences. Violations of this School rule may result in suspension or dismissal from the School.
However, such situations will be addressed discreetly, respectfully, and with care for those involved. Very Exclusive Quaker Boarding School recognizes that there will be occasions when students need education, counseling, or medical care in areas related to sexuality. Students’ concerns may be about themselves or their peers. While the School also recognizes that it is sometimes difficult for students to talk about these issues, we highly encourage all members of our community to seek assistance utilizing the health resources available at Very Exclusive Quaker Boarding School.
Students who wish to receive information, support, or counseling regarding sexual health have several options at Very Exclusive Quaker Boarding School.
1. Speak with a faculty member. Students may choose to confer with a teacher, dorm parent, advisor or coach. The faculty member can listen, help clarify the School’s expectations, and refer the student to one of the Health Center staff.
2. Speak directly with a member of the Health Center staff. Students may visit the Health Center to ask for information, to make an appointment to speak
confidentially with one of the staff physicians, nurses, or therapists, or to ask for a referral to a professional in the local community.

CNN: Wearing Red Boosts Sex Appeal? What About Pink?

To paraphrase Elle Woods, "Whoever said red was the new pink was seriously disturbed."

According to CNN.com,

[The researchers] "think that red, due to the association with hearts and
Valentine's Day and lingerie and things like that, takes on a sexy meaning,"
says Elliot. "There's also a possibility -- a rather provocative possibility --
that there's a deeply embedded sort of tendency for heterosexual men to see red
as an attraction cue because that's what happens in the wild."

Really? Sex organs become engorged with blood during arousal, which makes vaginas red. And nipples red. And lips red. None of which are inherently sexy except that you usually only see them when you're about to have sex. Which is sexy.

Incidentally, I'm wearing a red sweater today. And, of course, I have red hair. Hmm.

Times Says: Women Cheat More?

Congratulations, women! In an article in today's Times, Tara Parker-Pope reports that research has begun to show that we ladies are closing the cheating gap. Researchers reported several findings, including that, in the same sample, the rate at which women reported having sex outside their marriages increased five-fold when they took computerized questionnaires versus in-person interviews.

Both men and women in newish marriages are cheating, too: 20% of men and 15% of women under 35 have cheated. The studies don't ask when people cheat, so it's impossible to say whether women cheat mid-marriage or closer to the end. But other research has shown that cheating by men tends not to end a relationship but that cheating by women--either because men can't forgive women or because women cheat when they want out--leads to divorce.

As I always say...sexual behavior at the population level does not change significantly over time. So, no, I don't think women are cheating more. I think they're reporting more honestly. And this research also doesn't distinguish between couples that choose to be nonmonogamous--through swinging or some other arrangement--or outright cheating.

But for married people, more sex with more partners is probably just what the doctor ordered. Just sayin'.

Q: My vagina is too tight! A: Riiiight.

Dear Go-To Girl,

I am having trouble finding real advice as to how to stretch my vagina to make sex more comfortable. I have had a good deal of sex in my life, with all sizes and shapes of boys. However, the current sampling is rather well endowed, to the point that he has terrible difficulty entering me and if I come, it causes him great pain. Oddly enough, it just feels rather delightful for me, the fullness is quite delicious. I actually do think, upon further analysis and much masturbation, my vagina is smaller than it used to be. Could I have pulled something? Could it be as a result of 5 months of celibacy? The doctor said there was nothing physically wrong. I have been using toys like crazy, and it seems to make no difference. I have ordered a set of dilators- but I could use some more advice on this issue, if its out there.
Charlene

Dear Charlene,
This is the "This might sound douchey, but I really do find Magnums more comfortable" of girl questions. So your boyfriend is too big, you're too tight, and that causes him "pain"?




Really?








I don't think the problem is in your vagina--I think the problem is in your boyfriend's brain.
As far as I know, tight vaginas prized pretty much everywhere, and not just because they're usually attached to girls that are "young" or "barely legal." Or come in dozens. (Please join me in googling "tight pussy")

Tightness is prized because it feels good.

Vaginas are "too tight" when the woman who owns the vagina finds penetration with something--fingers, tampons, dilators, penises--painful in a way that doesn't go away after a few minutes of, um, practice. Unless you have vagina dentata, your vagina's contractions when you come shouldn't be causing pain to any nearby penises. Quite the contrary.
So, yeah, you can try dilators but they're designed for women who experience pain, not men. You might try putting a few fingers inside your vagina when you're coming so you can feel what your boyfriend claims to feel and see what it's like.
But really, no, your vagina isn't too tight. Your boyfriend is basically complaining that his new Porsche that he won on The Price is Right doesn't have enough legroom. Give me a fucking break.
Love,
Go-To Girl

Who Knew? "Go-To Girl" is Dirty!

From my pals over at UrbanDictionary:

1. go-to girl (noun)
The girl you think about when you're masturbating to help you finish. Named because that's where your brain "goes to".

"Everytime I beat off Shannon is my go-to girl."

Prescriptions Down Nationwide: What About Birth Control?

The New York Times published an article today that reports prescriptions are down nationally. Profiling several patients--most of whom are of Medicare age--who are, because of high costs and tough economic times, taking drugs less often than prescribed, smaller doses by halving pills, or foregoing certain medications altogether.

Sure, a $65 Nuva Ring doesn't compare to a $500 a month Alzheimer's drug, but young women--who, like the retired, have limited income--are hard hit by financial hard times and may be forced to stop using their birth control or, worse, taking a pill every other day. The consequences--unintended pregnancy--are real and financially life-altering.

If you find yourself forced to choose to stop taking your prescription birth control, stock up on condoms. I'm working on a longer article on making birth control feasible during tough economic times--it'll be forthcoming. But for now, seriously, buy some rubbers.

Gross, But Real: Palin Sex Tape

I love you, Larry Flynt. Seriously.

He's produced a porno featuring an actress who looks startlingly, really, truly, like our dear Maverick Team Co-Captain Sarah Palin.

Watch it here.

My Friends, We're In the "Danger Zone"

Seriously, McCain? As if hearing about Joe the lying sack of Plumber during every f-ing speech isn't enough, now McC is playing Kenny Loggins' "Danger Zone" at the end of his rallies.

Really, my friend?

Look, my friend, I get that you're a decorated veteran. I remember the song from "Top Gun." I also remember rollerskating around the gym while the song played on a 45rpm record player while I was at day camp in Fairlington. I was there, McC. Don't ruin this song for me, my friend.

"Danger Zone" is a great song. But it's not the kind of song you want to use to try to convince voters that you're the "security" candidate. Just sayin'.

You've also played "We Will Rock You," which makes a little more sense, but why all the 80's power tunes? I feel like I'm in Disney's
"Underdog Badminton Team Full of Chubby Kids and Bespectacled Nerds Surprises Everyone to Win Against the Chinese Team and Protect Our Freedoms"


movie. And it ain't good. You don't have Emilio Estevez, my friend.

Go-To Girl Loves Men Who Love Cats!

Go-To Cat, helping me do research.

Look--I like cats. I have cats. They are awesome. I appreciate dogs the way I appreciate children--on occasion, in sight of the time when they will go home/leave/go to sleep. Cats, for some reason, are considered "feminine" or "gay" and so the Big Straight Guy pet is, obviously, a dog. Preferably some Uber Masculine dog like a Pit Bull, Boxer, or, for the Strong Yet Sensitive Guy, a Golden Retriever.

The irony is that having a dog is like having a child, so all these Straight Guys are basically providing child care for their furry, slobbery, barky friends. Talk about emasculating.

Cats have to be negotiated with. They want you to want to be around them, but they don't want to be around you if you seem too eager. They want you to pet them, but they may or may not be interested in licking you or nuzzling you back. There's no tit for tat with cats. The tighter you hold them, the more they struggle to get away. Sounds like stuff most Straight Guys could learn a little bit about.

So how delighted am I that there's this new website, MenandCats.com, devoted to (ostensibly) straight guys with cats. I'm suspicious of anyone who describes themselves as a Straight Guy or SOOOO straight, totally Fucking Straight, etc.