Friday, May 30, 2008

Kelly Trial Update: Anal is the New Threesome

Lest you believe the R. Kelly trial would be "speedy," in concordance with our dear Constitution, I'm sorry to report that the trial has been delayed, again. The prosecution's "star witness," who will reportedly testify that she had a threesome with Kelly and the allegedly underaged alleged victim on the tape, has been rescheduled for Monday.

First of all, who cares if they had a threesome? This supports my theory that this trial is not about child pornography or statutory rape but about dangling the sexual peccadilloes of an extremely forthcomingly sexual (and, by the way, black) star. White stars never seem to have trials in which their sexual tastes are paraded around to sway public opinion and juries. I don't recall the canon of sex tapes of white famous people (Paris, Pamela, Kim Kardashian, etc.) ever leading to charges, in spite of actually illegal activities like, say, drug use happening on the tape.

The prosecution is so mired in the past that they're mistaken if they think a threesome will convince the jury that, through whatever convoluted logic they'll use, R. Kelly was actually the guy on the tape. Threesomes are passe and, duh, there are only two people on the tape.

As it happens, the defense's "surprise" witness, the ex-boyfriend and baby daddy of the prosecution's star, will testify next week and looks an awful lot like R. Kelly. I'll venture to guess that he's going to testify that it's him on the tape, not Kells.

And, by the way, anal is the new threesome.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Memorialize This

From GQ's blog (via The Frisky), the editors and writers have created a Cosmo Kama Sutra-esque sampler of sex positions and rated them according to "fun for you" and "fun for her." Except that it seems nobody over there at GQ has ever had a conversation with a woman about whether or not they like the sex they're having, because their ratings are totally off.

Missionary, for instance, gets a "7" for him and a "3" for her. Newsflash guys: missionary isn't the old standby for naught. If you aren't inherently bad at sex, it's totally hot.

Next up: the Stand and Carry, which garners an "8" for her and a "5" for him. Are you fucking kidding me? They say "do NOT try this drunk" but I don't know why any sober person would bother using up all their energy and leg strength for this waste of time. Want to have sex standing up? I've got good news for you: that's what kitchen counters and washer/dryers were made for.

Thirdly, the Trapeze. I have no idea why the magazines continue to perpetuate the myth that head-to-foot sex is sexy. I've never encountered a penis that wanted to bend down that far. And putting my delicate face right next to boy feet? No thank you.

Last but not least: perpetual frat house favorite Doggy Style. Fun for him: 9. Fun for her: 6. Again--the girls that I know that are loyal to D.S. wouldn't rate this position a mere 6. Go-To Girl, on the other hand, gives it five yawns up.

So guys--why not fucking ask the girl you're fucking how she fucking likes to get fucked? Take a few sage words from my pal R. Kelly's sex epic "Ignition":
Jump up, down once I hit them switches, babe
And I'm about to take it where you wanna go, babe
Guarantee you I'm about to get some mileage, babe
And it won't be no runnin' out of gas, babe
When I hear you say {Green light} I'mma go
{Yellow light} Do it slow {Red light} I'mma stop
When I hear you say {Switch lanes} hit the signal
{Pit stop} Take a break, hit the hazards when we park

Thanks Kells, as always.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Q: How did you know it was Kells' body on the tape? A: "His head was attached to it"

No, really. The prosecutor asked witness Simha Jamison, whose task was to identify the girl in the video as her friend who was, allegedly, age 13 at the time of the taping, how she knew Kelly's body was that in the video. She responded:
"His head was attached to it."

Something, generally, is amiss in this trial, beyond the usual amiss-ness.
From the Chicago Tribune:
Upon viewing the tape, [police investigator Dan] Everett said he recognized the female on the tape because he had interviewed her as part of another investigation in 2000.He said he had been a part of an alleged investigation interview dating back to December 2000, at which point Judge Vincent Gaughan immediately stopped his testimony and asked the jury to leave.

Gaughan then erupted over the use of the word "investigation," having previously issued an order forbidding its use. Gaughan chastised the witness and the prosecution, reminding them that he had promised to grant a mistrial if that word were uttered during testimony.

"If they do it again, I certainly am going to grant a mistrial," Gaughan said. The issue was settled by the witness going on the record saying he was mistaken when characterizing the interview as an investigation.

Given that money changes hands--twice--during the tape, and that the cop has fessed to recognizing the girl from a "previous investigation," I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this tape is a fake, the girl is a prostitute, the cop recognizes her and the prosecution knows the whole thing is a sham.

Oh, and the Kelly defense rests on the fact that he has, apparently, a body-ful of moles and scars that don't match the dude on the tape. Too bad Johnnie Cochran is dead.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

HIV: Still Bad

My old pals at Kaiser Family Foundation and MTV have come up with a "guess who has HIV?" web game. Check it out.

People featured on the site are a mixed bag of colors, ethnicities, and HIV statuses. The obvious message is, "You never know who might have HIV. It could be the white guy working at Bear Sterns or the Latino guy driving the subway." Etc.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Early Father's Day Treat

Even though Father's Day isn't until June 15th, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my Dad for not dragging me through the bullshit charade that is the father-daughter Purity Ball.

I'm on the record about abstinence, purity, pledging, and all of its assorted nonsense. But the "ownership" of a daughter's "honor" and "virginity" and "purity" is so revolting I can't stand it. It's merely a few steps away from honor killings for when she (almost) inevitably breaks the pledge.

The idea that a father would encourage his daughter to consider herself property, an object to be and in need of protection makes me want to hurl. Even worse is the way some of the fathers set up this drama to create accountability for their own purity. Don't sacrifice your daughters on the altar of "purity" because you can't stop watching internet porn.

I'm all for father-daughter bonding, but can't they go to a baseball game or get ice cream or something like regular people?

Again, thanks Dad!

Monday, May 19, 2008

Slate on Polygamy

William Saleton is right 99% of the time; this article is no exception. He writes:
In reality, most polygamist communities are authoritarian and push girls into marriage before they're old enough.

"Authoritarian" doesn't mean abusive; marriage of a girl under the age of 18 is in no way proof that she has been raped or abused. And, I assure you, there is no evidence whatsoever that any girl in the FLDS compound has been abused. Having a child before age 18 is not only not indicative of abuse, it's hardly uncommon. 36 out of every 1000 Texas girls under the age of 18 gives birth each year; nationally, it's only 21/1000.

The purpose of the article, though, is the legal status of polygamy; read up.

Friday, May 16, 2008

State of California v. The Porn Industry

According to CNN, California is again trying to penalize the use of pornography, this time by levying a 25% tax on strip clubs, videos, and websites. Yawn.

The talking head in the CNN segment rattles on and on about porn being bad, claims that "some divorce lawyers" attribute more than 50% of their divorce cases to pornography use. Pornography is also "killing our families and our society!!!" he shrieks.

The bill, AB 2914, was introduced by Assemblyman Charles Calderon. The bill also calls for an 8% tax, not a 25% tax as the CNN guy erroneously states.

Calling for the creation of the Adult Entertainment Venue Impact Fund, which the tax would pay for, the bill plans to use its monies to ameliorate the "Secondary effects" of adult venues. That means property taxes, law enforcement, and funding to address "mental health" and "disease transmission." The bill doesn't specify whether that money would go to people who work in the industry or those poor, poor divorcees who wouldn't tolerate their husband's porn habit.

Maybe they could compromise on some wife spanking.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Praise the Lord!: Bondage for Christians*

Thanks, D, for the tip.

You might want to get your Bibles out for this one. Don't have one? No worries. Go to Bible Gateway and search for the passage you want. Today we'll be talking about Ephesians. That's one of Paul's letters. The one he wrote to the Ephesians. What's that, you say? You didn't know that Paul never knew the living Christ? Neither do most people. Paul's letters written to a specific group of people and never intended to be dogma for billions of Christians worldwide? Yeah, I don't think so either. But I'm not here to give you perspective on the validity of Pauline doctrine.

Apparently hiding out there in the kinky shadows of Christendom is a group of guys and gals practicing Traditional Christian Marriage, which they interpret as inclusive of "Christian Domestic Discipline." Really.

Look, I'm not going to lie--this is nonconsensual Bondage and Discipline (the "BD" in "BDSM") and it makes me cringe. Both, when consensual, are totally fine but to have this type of relationship explicitly justified using Paul's word--and not the wife's--is unbelievable.

Hey Christians--if you want to get in to bondage, go for it. But using the Bible to justify it? Give me a fucking break. The only people who think that "submit" means "submissive" are people in the BDSM community. You oughta look them up.

The specific phrase in question from Ephesians is Chapter 5, 22-24:
22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

That's the only part of Ephesians most people know; but verse 21, which is usually left out, is:
21Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

So you want to bend your wife over your knee, give her a good spanking warm up, speak to her in a commanding tone, and then spank her occasionally for "maintenance"? Fucking go for it. But don't say the Bible tells you so, cos the reasoning just isn't in there. Nobody is suggesting the husbands submit to the wives, and that's the "word" as written.

Congratulations, Christians! You're kinky. Why not celebrate by giving your submissive wife the perfect gift: a pair of short and sassy pantaloons. By the way, they're crotchless. Guess that might come in handy sometime.

Maybe this is just a way of hiding consensual submissive relationships among Christians that, for social reasons, have to be justified using a Biblical overreach. Given the breadth of clearly erotic Christian Domestic Discipline fiction available for sale on the website, I'm led to think this is just another kink. Oh, well...All God's children have a place in the choir. Some sing lower...and some higher.

*for the record, I'm a Christian.

Q: How Do You Have Sex in India? A: With Ice!

Dear Go-To Girl,

So I met this guy that I'm totally crazy about and he's taking me with him to India for a work trip (!). I've never had sex that far from the U.S. of A--are there special precautions I need to take? Won't it be insanely hot?


Dear Ashley,

Among my many talents, I'm a published writer in the "Destination Wedding/Honeymoon" field. Don't ask. So I know where to look to find out how to have good, safe sex no matter where you are in the world.

First, the weather: Mumbai's climate is a lot like Texas; hot and humid. No big surprise there.

When traveling to a non-Western country, make sure you always take plenty of sex supplies--especially condoms and lube. You won't necessarily be able to find rubbers at all, and there's a very good chance that if you did find them, they would all be brands you had never seen before. So whether you like Magnums, Durexes, or Kimono Type E, take more than you think you'll need. And no, taking condoms with you doesn't mean you're expecting sex and it won't jinx you, either. Just put 'em in your cosmetics bag and take them with you anytime you travel.

To keep cool, make full use of that hotel bed (the sheets on which you don't have to change) and try out some ice play. Don't put any ice in your mouth (the water might not be safe) but on your skin it's A-Okay.

Safe travels!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

West Virginians Agree: Girls Have a Vagina

In an historic defeat of the "Boys Have a Penis" platform, West Virginians voted resoundingly for Vaginas. Specifically, that girls have them.

10-10-50: The Hip-Hop Version

Thanks, M, for the tip on this.

If I've said it once I've said it a million times: 10 minutes is all you need. It's kind of a lot, actually.

Fuck You, Pam Stenzel

Any readers who are still in high school, please cover your eyes and ears. Pam Stenzel is a recipient of countless federal dollars as an "abstinence" speaker who comes to schools and threatens the shit out of teenagers by telling them outright lies about sex, birth control, and STIs.

If, after watching this video, you feel like you're taking crazy pills, you're not alone. But neither is Pam. There are tons of speakers like this whose sole job is to create doubt in the minds of teengers about the accuracy of information they receive from organizations like Planned Parenthood or, say, the American Medical Association.

Write to your Congressional rep or senator to tell them that you can't fucking believe that the federal fucking government is funding garbage like this.*

By way of The Frisky:

*the funding works like this: public schools receive funds directly (through Title V) that they can spend on outside speakers, like Pam. OR nonprofit organizations receive federal funds (through Community Based Abstinence Education [CBAE] grants) to provide these services for free to schools. see SIECUS for more.

Playboy Losing Money!

The first Playboy Centerfold. Yes, that's Marilyn.

As some of you well know (S, J, R, you were there) I am of the opinion that Alfred Kinsey and Hugh Hefner share the honor of starting the sexual revolution. Kinsey is my hero: Hefner is just...Hef.

Playboy's eulogy has been written more than once, usually after some overambitious project gone awry. After the 1970s gas crisis and the introduction of Japanese cars to the American market, that deluxe Playboy Club in Detroit probably seemed like a bad idea.

But according to the New York Times, Playboy Enterprises failed to turn a profit last quarter. The big news in this story is the segment of Playboy's empire that's dragging down the rest of the beast: Domestic television and publishing. That's the Playboy channel and, obviously, Playboy magazine.

Christie Hefner, Hugh's daughter and Playboy's chief, reassures investors that the brand has tremendous equity. But if your brand--which is based on the success of the first internationally available nudie magazine--fails to provide that which defined it, won't your brand eventually fail?

Having had a few decades of exposure to Playboy, I can tell you that the magazine has drifted far, far away from its original goal: to show the "girl next door" taking her shirt off. You know she's not the type, but just this once...

The girls in Playboy--including the famous ones--are indistinguishable from the porn starlets featured on the covers of Hustler, Penthouse Forum, and Cum Guzzling Cheerleaders IV.

The girls are airbrushed, the scenery has changed from outdoor vistas to velvet bedsteads, and except for the girls who insist they're "studying to be doctors" (but, suspiciously, just 19 years of age) there's not a chance in hell that they're the girl next door. Unless you happen to live at the Bunny Ranch.

I'm just so over this aesthetic. The constant sexualization of a single look makes porn boring--and that's what is making Playboy's profits fall. In the beginning, it provided something that was meaningful and unavailable elsewhere--but these days, you might as well just get Hustler. At least we know Larry Flynt is funding investigations of Republican sex scandals.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Questions they asked: "Why does it take so long for girls to have an orgasm?" A: Because you have no stamina.

So I made my first live, studio television appearance last night on a show called "Subtext." I'm still not quite clear how the technology part of the show works, but I got to sit on a couch with a guy named Sid and answer sex questions that viewers texted in to the screen.

And the one they always ask: "Why does it take girls so long to come?" I resisted the temptation to talk about "10-10-50" but I think I got my point across: warm your girl up. Take 10 minutes. The end.

I almost convinced the host to taste the Passionfruit Punch lube but then he punked out.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Q: What's Your Sexual Nationality? A: Buon Giorno. Italian, 90%

By way of The Frisky, Go-To Girl took this quiz this morning to determine my "sexual nationality." And I'm 90% Italian, and my "tips" from the makers of KY Touch are as follows:
Making love is a religious experience! Passion is everything. Merely holding hands with your loved one can move you to tears and you periodically set fire to your bed after sex as a sacrifice to the Gods of Love.

Isn't that sweet?

Take the quiz here.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Breaking News: R. Kelly Asks for Another Trial Delay!

My, how time flies! It seems just days ago that we here at GTG HQ started obsessively listening to "Double Up" and watching the new chapters of "Trapped in the Closet."

Last summer as I sweated out my last days in Brooklyn nearly every car that drove by had "I'm A Flirt" playing. I listened to Kells on the subway, at the beach, doing pushups, and sitting at that un-air conditioned coffee shop in Crown Heights, writing about HIV for And yet here we are mere days away from jury selection in R. Kelly's child pornography trial.

But don't count your VIP chicks before they hatch: the trial of the century might be delayed--again! Kells' attorneys have filed a motion to delay the trial, for which jury selection was slated to begin this Friday.

When the trial gets under way, prosecutors will have a unique challenge: The alleged victim, now 23, says it wasn't her. And Kelly's attorneys -- including Ed Genson, who often represents the rich and famous -- haven't admitted it's Kelly in the video.

I admit to not having seen the video, and a quick Google Video search didn't turn up any results. Can anyone direct me to this sex tape that allegedly features R. Kelly allegedly peeing on a girl who is allegedly as young as 13? I feel like I oughta watch it.

Till then, here's the Chappelle's Show parody.

World's Least Desirable Men "Not Interested In Sex"

Middle-aged British men are, I'm sorry to say, among the most undesirable men on the planet so I'm not sorry that, according to UK counseling and sex therapy organization Relate, they're "just not interested in sex" once they hit middle age. I'm not ever interested in Brits (except you, A) so it's no loss for me, but I think this indicates the veracity of what the Christian Coalition has been saying for decades: there is a crisis in traditional marriage. And that crisis, my friends, is that marriage is fucking boring.

In all seriousness though, depression among men is the "silent epidemic" and anyone who's dated anyone with depression can tell you about how it obliterates sex drive. In men, alcohol or drug use often "hide" depression, and also contribute to a loss of sex drive. (And so, incidentally, does the medication to treat it)

My heart goes out to these guys--wanting to want to have sex has got to be the most depressing feeling of all.

PS--Is David Beckham middle-aged?

Monday, May 05, 2008

The Lifestyle Near You (and in Austin)

Swinging, people. Not just for swingers anymore.

A few months ago I read Skipping Towards Gomorrah, by my good (pretend) pal Dan Savage, and as part of his research into the kinks and sins of American guys and gals, he spends a few days with a swinger couple in Illinois. They're religious, Conservative Jews, they've got kids, and they swing. They're sickeningly in love but love to fuck other people.

Then a friend (hey there T--I hope you're reading) asked me to accompany him to Entre Nous, DC's only swing club, not as a fuck-date but as a beard since they don't let single guys in. That was an awkward conversation, let me tell you. But due to scheduling conflicts we never even made it to the club.

I've long had a hypothesis (probably started by that one episode of "Real Sex" that showed swinger summer camp [S, I know you remember this]) that swingers are actually really conservative because, hey, I'm super liberal and talk about sex with my super liberal friends all day, every day, and I've never even heard of anyone who's heard of anyone who's really a swinger. And since I haven't accepted any new Republican friends since November 2004, the math just adds up. But I'm speculating. Sorry, democrat swingers out there.

The thing about swinging is that, by all appearances, it's the anti-porn: people who are older, not porn-star hot, chubby, wrinkled, disabled, or whatever are all celebrated as equally sexual. There aren't many (read: any) venues in our culture that allow for and encourage sexual expression by people who don't fit into the norm of what's hot, and I think that's fantastic. It's nice to know that there's a model out there for sexuality after a certain age/size/beauty fade that isn't just about turning yourself completely off.

So to make up for never getting to Entre Nous with my pal T, I'm going to go to Allure, Austin's "Newest and Most Upscale Club." Single gals are welcome, but I think I'll try to recruit a male not-to-fuck-date to go along for protection. Surely I can rustle up a faux wedding ring somewhere.

I'll report back.

PS--find a club in your area, you dirty minded lifestylers. (K and P, I'm looking at you!)

Thanks, Scientists: Jerking Off Prevents Prostate Cancer!

But only if you do it a lot. According to this article in the Journal of the American Medical Association (that's JAMA, for short), "high ejaculatory frequency" was associated with a reduced risk of prostate cancer.

I realize that prostate cancer trends a little old for my regular readers, but, hey guys, preventive measures are more effective the earlier you start. You're welcome.

So how often is "high frequency"? 21 or more times per month--and the aforementioned ejaculation can result from masturbation, wet dreams, or good old fashioned fucking. The prostate doesn't care.

Now I hate to speculate, but the only major cable news network that covered this story was, begging the question, "Do FOXNews viewers have lower ejaculatory frequency than CNN or MSNBC viewers?"

Or maybe Bill O'Reilly just covered the story so he could say "ejaculate" and "masturbation" on the air.

Friday, May 02, 2008

Dry Humping is the New Anal

Even though dry humping is, for the most part, relegated to the boarding school memory vortex, we'd sure do it to Jon Stewart if we had the chance. Meet me in the last piano practice room after collection!

And check out this new website, The Frisky.