Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Memorialize This

From GQ's blog (via The Frisky), the editors and writers have created a Cosmo Kama Sutra-esque sampler of sex positions and rated them according to "fun for you" and "fun for her." Except that it seems nobody over there at GQ has ever had a conversation with a woman about whether or not they like the sex they're having, because their ratings are totally off.

Missionary, for instance, gets a "7" for him and a "3" for her. Newsflash guys: missionary isn't the old standby for naught. If you aren't inherently bad at sex, it's totally hot.

Next up: the Stand and Carry, which garners an "8" for her and a "5" for him. Are you fucking kidding me? They say "do NOT try this drunk" but I don't know why any sober person would bother using up all their energy and leg strength for this waste of time. Want to have sex standing up? I've got good news for you: that's what kitchen counters and washer/dryers were made for.



Thirdly, the Trapeze. I have no idea why the magazines continue to perpetuate the myth that head-to-foot sex is sexy. I've never encountered a penis that wanted to bend down that far. And putting my delicate face right next to boy feet? No thank you.


Last but not least: perpetual frat house favorite Doggy Style. Fun for him: 9. Fun for her: 6. Again--the girls that I know that are loyal to D.S. wouldn't rate this position a mere 6. Go-To Girl, on the other hand, gives it five yawns up.

So guys--why not fucking ask the girl you're fucking how she fucking likes to get fucked? Take a few sage words from my pal R. Kelly's sex epic "Ignition":
Jump up, down once I hit them switches, babe
And I'm about to take it where you wanna go, babe
Guarantee you I'm about to get some mileage, babe
And it won't be no runnin' out of gas, babe
When I hear you say {Green light} I'mma go
{Yellow light} Do it slow {Red light} I'mma stop
When I hear you say {Switch lanes} hit the signal
{Pit stop} Take a break, hit the hazards when we park


Thanks Kells, as always.

1 comment:

T. James said...

As usual, Go-to Girl is right on the money. The real point here is that mens magazine writers are morons. God knows how much better my sex life would have been if i hadn't read MAXIM in high school.

The trapeze? My dick won't do that. The stand and carry? If your girl is eighty pounds, maybe.

Doggy style? It's good for the view. Hopefully it's pretty.