Friday, June 22, 2007

Q: Are Jelly Toys bad for me? A: Yes. And they suck.

Thanks to my friend Marilyn for the tip to this article on MSNBC which, more than a year after my Sex Herald article "Playing it Safe With Sex Toys" brings phthalate-fear to the masses. (Not that I'm accusing them of plagiarism or anything...)

I have a friend who is a world-renowned researcher on chemical exposure and cancer, and when I asked her about the potential effects of phthalate exposure she said, "[E]specially if these toys are applied internally, there will be measurable absorption and risks." I know, "applied internally" is a pretty hilarious way to describe sex toy use. But you've got to get Real Scientific Information when you can.

So what is a "jelly toy"? The majority of downscale vibrators and dildos available at sex toy parties and "Adult DVD" stores are jelly. They often have a vanilla-esque smell and are soft and sticky.

Here's the one pictured above, called "Freshman." As in, after your freshman year you've got to upgrade to something better.

Jelly toys are fine for first timers; they're cheap and widely available. But yes, they might cause cancer, and if you're in the market for a dildo, silicone is vastly better.

This dildo, called Tex, is my favorite; it's pricey, but totally worth it.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Seen any hot pigs lately?

I have. Check out Trojan's brand-fuckin' new commercial, featuring, I kid you not, the pig that played "Babe."

Friday, June 15, 2007

The FDA Cockblocks America, Again

This utterly fucking shocking announcement from the FDA needs no explanation. Except, of course, that the only reason anyone is confused about condom effectiveness rates is because religious conservatives claim that condoms are far less effective than the FDA itself. Read the article. (Emphasis mine)

Condom packaging may change to point out limits

Bloomberg News, New York, 6/15/07

The FDA is planning a survey to evaluate the effectiveness of current condom packaging and possibly to impose new packaging requirements.

Condom packaging may be redesigned to emphasize the devices' limits in preventing pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases such as AIDS, U.S. regulators said.

The Food and Drug Administration plans to survey 1,200 people in shopping malls about how well they understand condoms' effectiveness based on the current labeling and proposed new precautions, the agency said in a notice posted today on its Web site. Responses will help regulators draft new labels that all packages of latex condoms would have to carry.

The regulatory agency has been drawn into a long-running dispute between makers of condoms and religious groups that say people are misled about how well the products work as an alternative to abstinence and monogamy. Manufacturers include Church & Dwight Co., maker of Trojans, and SSL International Plc, producer of the Durex brand.

The survey "will be considered in FDA's condom labeling recommendations to provide important risk/benefit and use information associated with condoms in easily understood language," according to the agency's notice.

Congress directed the FDA in 2000 to "determine whether the labels are medically accurate regarding the overall effectiveness or lack of effectiveness." The agency proposed in 2005 that condom boxes and wrappers should show data on unintended pregnancies and varying levels of protection against sexually transmitted diseases so that consumers can make informed decisions about their sexual behavior.

The changes would apply only to male condoms made with natural rubber latex, which account for almost 98 percent of U.S. sales, the FDA said.

Market Share

Church & Dwight Co., based in Princeton, New Jersey, controls about 73 percent of the market, according to its annual report. SSL International Plc, based in London, and Ansell Ltd, the Australian maker of LifeStyles condoms, are its biggest competitors.

Regulators said they plan to issue guidelines for products made with lambskin or synthetic materials at a later date.

Latex condoms have been used for almost 100 years to guard against pregnancy and more recently have been promoted as protection against AIDS, genital herpes and other sexually transmitted diseases.

Religious groups oppose advocacy of "safe sex" using condoms.

Catholic Bishops

"This is poor and inadequate advice, given the failure rate of prophylactics and the high risk that an infected person who relies on them will eventually transmit" AIDS from doing so, said the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops in a statement on AIDS approved in 1989.

The FDA, in its 2005 review, found that many people who use condoms aren't aware of how often they fail to prevent pregnancy with typical use, or that they provide less protection from certain STDs, such as genital herpes, that can be transmitted by contact with skin not covered by a condom.

The agency suggested that all boxes of condoms and individual wrappers clearly state that the products "greatly reduce, but do not eliminate" the risk of pregnancy and STDs. The FDA also recommended that condoms with the spermicidal lubricant nonoxynol-9 carry a warning that the lubricant can cause irritation that increases the risk of HIV/AIDS transmission.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Q: Anal-eaze? A: No!!!

Dear Go-To Girl,
So I've thoroughly read your guide to anal sex and checked on Tristan Taormino's website so I feel like I'm ready to go. I've even been practicing with fingers and lube. But I'm still nervous that it's going to hurt when my boyfriend and I give it a go. I've heard about this product called Anal-Eaze that makes butt sex less painful; is it a good idea to get some?
Love you!
Almost Ready in ChiTown

Dear ChiTown,
I'm so happy that you're taking my advice! Here's the lowdown on Anal-Eaze: its active ingredient is benzocaine, which is a numbing agent--the kind of stuff the dentist puts on your gums before drilling you a new one.

Here's why you shouldn't use it: Anal-Eaze will numb your area, which sounds like a good idea but could actually be bad. If something goes wrong back there, you'll want to know so you can stop and take a breather; but if you're numb, you won't feel the pain and won't know until later that you've got a nasty cut on your rosebud.

Benzocaine doesn't only numb you to pain; it also numbs you to pleasure. So you won't feel anything bad or good. It also doesn't only numb your ass--it'll numb whatever is going into it, which, in this case, is your boyfriend's cock. So, nobody wins.

Verdict on Anal-Eaze: Skip it. Work up to three fingers using a good lube like Maximus and you shouldn't have any pain at all.

Go-To Girl

Friday, June 08, 2007

You Asked For It: What is up with titty fucking?

The first time I ever heard the phrase "tit fuck" it was the summer after eighth grade, when all of us popular girls were starting to hook up with boys for the first time. One night after a party two girls I knew went over to a garage apartment (!) with two boys and proceeded to hook up.

Of course, I got a phone call the very next morning about what had happened (since it was common knowledge I'd had a crush on one of the guys since about the first grade) and was stunned to hear that girl #1 had been "tit fucked" by boy I had a crush on. I didn't even really know what "tit fuck" meant, but when I tried to put two and two together I just thought, "Ew!"

Before going any further, let's define "tit fuck":

Tit fucking is when a girl presses her titties together and lets a cock (real or silicone) fuck the space between them in lieu of fucking some actual orifice. For some reason, guys seem to find it really hot. I imagine it's one of those weird Freudian mother/tits/yuck kind of things that only boys understand. If it's a bio-guy who's fucking your tits, they'll usually want to come on your neck/face. I think that's part of the appeal.

So when is it appropriate to tit fuck?

*When you have your period

*When you're too lazy to give a blow job

*When your guy just really really wants to try it (probably because he saw it in porn)

When is it not appropriate to tit fuck?

*Since we're all consenting adults here, it's never "not appropriate," but I think it's fucked up for a first-time sexual encounter, i.e., you take a guy home with you from a bar and don't want to sleep with him and he says, "Okay, but can I fuck your tits?" Ew. The pornoriffic-ness is only ameliorated when you're in a kinda serious relationship with the cock that's fucking your tits.

All that said, tit fucking is a great way to be lazy and get a guy off. Just be sure to use lube or oil (I think oil is better) and wash it all off afterwards lest you get a nasty breakout on your chest.


Thursday, June 07, 2007

The Go-To Guide to Anal Sex

While I revel in the opportunity to take phone calls like, 'So, GTG, what's up with titty fucking?' or 'Why do girls like assholes?' it's calls like, 'My boyfriend wants to have anal sex but I'm scared,' that really warm my heart.

So for everyone's benefit, and with a big nod to Tristan Taormino, author of 'The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women,' here is the Official Go-To Guide to Anal Sex 101:


*You cannot go from zero to cock in one night. You can try, but she'll hate it and never want to have anal sex again. So don't think, 'Yeah, I'm having a great time fucking my girl right now, I'm gonna try fucking her in the ass,' if you haven't practiced.

*You must have lube. Whatever amount of wetness might already be present from the vajayjay is not--I repeat, NOT--sufficient. There are no exceptions to this rule.

*Practice first with fingers. Until you can get two fingers in comfortably and three in with a little bit of discomfort, don't even think about venturing with a cock.

*For the love of God, cut your fingernails!

*If your partner is a guy, try sticking your fingertip in his ass when giving him a blow job. Don't ask first (100% of guys will say no), just do it (98% of guys will totally love it).

*When it comes to positions, doggy style is an old favorite (but the person getting fucked should have their head down on the bed/floor/bathtub) but you can also do it missionary style with the fuckee's legs up on the fucker's shoulders.

*Once you get in the backdoor, remember that you can't slam away like you would with vaj-sex, at least not at first. Slow and steady.

Here is a step-by-step guide to a successful anal sex experience:

1. If you're hoping to talk your partner into letting you put something in their ass, do them the courtesy of mentioning it in advance. Don't surprise them (unless it's the blowjob/finger situation).

2. Buy a good bottle of lube. KY Liquid isn't thick enough. I like Maximus.

3. When going down on your girl, lube up a finger or two and try getting in. Go slower than you think you can go, and then go even slower. Getting your girl to have an orgasm with some anal stimulation BEFORE the cock goes in is a key part of making future anal experiences pleasurable.

4. Once you have two fingers moving in and out without any pain, try three. That many fingers going in and out is awkward, but once you can fit three fingers in, you're ready for a cock (but not necessarily on the same night!).

5. Put a condom on (seriously, cum in the ass is nasty and you can't use your toys again without boiling them), lube up your cock, lube it up more, and go really, really, really slowly. Put just the head in and stop. It usually hurts for the first few seconds, but once the body adjusts, you can go in more.

6. Don't think you can just slam away like they do in porno. Those people are professionals.


Next entry: What is up with titty fucking?

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Q: Demon seed? (Or, "Is unprotected sex causing urinary tract infections?") A: Yup.

Dear Go-To Girl,
First of all I want to assure you that I am a consistent and correct user of condoms. Except, you know, when I'm on the rag. Then my boyfriend and I like it raw. Sounds good, right? Except, here's the rub: the last few times we've had period sex sans condoms, I get a mild painful feeling evocative of past urinary tract infections. I don't know what about having sex on my period could possibly be causing this; is my blood infected with nasty bacteria? Is God punishing me?
Crotch Rot

Dear CR,
Congratulations on being a part of the .0000001% of the world who correctly and consistently uses condoms. Seriously, way to go. The only group more exclusive is the regular flossers, who count Go-To Girl among their ranks. What can I say? I love my teeth and gums. And I kinda like it when my gums bleed--like I'm whipping them into submission. But enough about me.

Sorry about your UTIs--few things are worse than a UTI in full effect, so I really sympathize. While it may seem that God is punishing you for having unprotected sex, there is a much simpler, less Old Testament-y explanation for your discomfort.
Contrary to popular belief, semen (aka, "cum") is not an inert substance; it is highly alkaline. (For those of you who didn't take 5th grade science, that means it has a very high pH) The alkalinity protects the wee sperm from the acidic vaginal environment so that they can make their way up into your egghouse and whatnot.

Under normal circumstances, the vagina has an acidic pH and has a mixture of yeast and bacteria that maintain it. When either your yeast or bacteria is out of balance, you know it: you have a yucky yeast infection or unbearable bacterial vaginosis, respectively. Both totally suck, and mean that God is in fact punishing you for having sex outside of heterosexual marriage. Just kidding!

Certain outside influences--hormonal contraceptives, douching, and semen among them--can alter the vagina's pH enough that bacteria or yeast can overgrow and cause nasty problems (each pH extreme allows the overgrowth of one or the other; you'll never have both too much bacteria and yeast at the same time).

In your case, your boyfriend's super-sperm is changing the pH in the vagina enough that bacteria are becoming dominant and, most likely, making their way up into your urinary tract as that cum oozes out of you. And, you guessed it, bacteria in the urinary tract is the cause of those sucky UTIs.

Here's a few ways to prevent this problem, in descending order of realisticity/desirability:

*Practice abstinence
*Use condoms, even when you have your period
*Have the boy pull out and come on your face
*Pee right after sex
*Rinse your area thoroughly with water after sex and let all the cum drip out (seriously, all of it)

Go-To Girl

(I'd like to note that when Crotch Rot called her gynecologist, s/he confirmed my belief about the semen pH/UTI connection.)