Thursday, June 07, 2007

The Go-To Guide to Anal Sex

While I revel in the opportunity to take phone calls like, 'So, GTG, what's up with titty fucking?' or 'Why do girls like assholes?' it's calls like, 'My boyfriend wants to have anal sex but I'm scared,' that really warm my heart.

So for everyone's benefit, and with a big nod to Tristan Taormino, author of 'The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women,' here is the Official Go-To Guide to Anal Sex 101:


*You cannot go from zero to cock in one night. You can try, but she'll hate it and never want to have anal sex again. So don't think, 'Yeah, I'm having a great time fucking my girl right now, I'm gonna try fucking her in the ass,' if you haven't practiced.

*You must have lube. Whatever amount of wetness might already be present from the vajayjay is not--I repeat, NOT--sufficient. There are no exceptions to this rule.

*Practice first with fingers. Until you can get two fingers in comfortably and three in with a little bit of discomfort, don't even think about venturing with a cock.

*For the love of God, cut your fingernails!

*If your partner is a guy, try sticking your fingertip in his ass when giving him a blow job. Don't ask first (100% of guys will say no), just do it (98% of guys will totally love it).

*When it comes to positions, doggy style is an old favorite (but the person getting fucked should have their head down on the bed/floor/bathtub) but you can also do it missionary style with the fuckee's legs up on the fucker's shoulders.

*Once you get in the backdoor, remember that you can't slam away like you would with vaj-sex, at least not at first. Slow and steady.

Here is a step-by-step guide to a successful anal sex experience:

1. If you're hoping to talk your partner into letting you put something in their ass, do them the courtesy of mentioning it in advance. Don't surprise them (unless it's the blowjob/finger situation).

2. Buy a good bottle of lube. KY Liquid isn't thick enough. I like Maximus.

3. When going down on your girl, lube up a finger or two and try getting in. Go slower than you think you can go, and then go even slower. Getting your girl to have an orgasm with some anal stimulation BEFORE the cock goes in is a key part of making future anal experiences pleasurable.

4. Once you have two fingers moving in and out without any pain, try three. That many fingers going in and out is awkward, but once you can fit three fingers in, you're ready for a cock (but not necessarily on the same night!).

5. Put a condom on (seriously, cum in the ass is nasty and you can't use your toys again without boiling them), lube up your cock, lube it up more, and go really, really, really slowly. Put just the head in and stop. It usually hurts for the first few seconds, but once the body adjusts, you can go in more.

6. Don't think you can just slam away like they do in porno. Those people are professionals.


Next entry: What is up with titty fucking?

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