Thursday, December 20, 2007

You May Exhale: Kels Made it to Court


Kels, those jail scrubs just don't flatter you.

via MTV.com:

Kels' judicial bullshit continued today when he arrived, as commanded, at his trial (20 minutes early, no less) only to have the hearing continued til Friday. When will these people stop wasting Kels' time?

More details have emerged regarding the reason behind Kels' delay:

There was "some snow" in Sacramento, where he had played a show earlier this week;

His buses were pulled over for driving "in excess" of 100 miles per hour;

The drivers hadn't had their required 8 hours of rest and had to stop.

The judge is even threatening to revoke Kels' bond, which would obviously bring the rousing success of his national tour to a tragic end. Come on, hater Judge Gaughan. Kels just wants to love you.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Breaking News: Arrest Warrant for Kels!



Item!

From the Chi-town Tribune:

R. Kelly missed a court date today due to a traffic snafu in Utah, and Assistant State Hater (Attorney) Shauna Boliker cut him no slack.
"It is an abuse of the process and disrespectful of the court and your honor for everyone who has come prepared to go," she said. "The leeway the court has given him to go on a 45-city tour, to do whatever he pleases. The very least he could do is be here for his appointed court date."

If I'm not mistaken the trial, which was originally scheduled for this past September, had to be put on hold because a certain Ms. Boliker had a baby.

Surely R. Kelly's marathon national tour deserves at least as much flexibility as Ms. Boliker's little baby.

Again: Kels is on trial for allegedly videotaping himself having sex with a girl who allegedly may have been 13 at the time of the taping. The girl in question, however, denies that she's the one on the tape.

I can't make this stuff up: The Global Orgasm for Peace



Really, people, I can't even dream up stuff this ridiculous. While vacationing in the secret Marin County town of Bolinas, California this weekend I came upon an article in the local paper about--wait for it--The Synchronized Global Orgasm for Peace.

The idea behind the Global Orgasm is that, apparently, some Scientist somewhere believes that the positive energy emitted after an orgasm could, if done on a mass global scale, really make peace in the world.

According to Scientists at the "Global Consciousness Project," which, apparently, exists:

Our minds influence Matter and Quantum Energy fields, so by concentrating our thoughts during and after The Big O on peace and partnership, the combination of high orgasmic energy combined with mindful intention for peace could reduce global levels of violence, hatred and fear.

Obviously, the Global Orgasm will take place on Solstice, which is to say, December 22nd. For those of you not currently residing in New Age La-La Land, solstice is both the shortest day of the year and a day that hippies believe has magical powers. Or whatever.

This is from the website:
WHO? All Men and Women, you and everyone you know.

WHERE? Everywhere in the world, but especially in countries with weapons of mass destruction and places where violence is used in place of mediation.

WHEN? Solstice Day - December 22, at 06:08 Universal Time (GMT)

WHY? To effect positive change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible instantaneous surge of human biological, mental and spiritual energy.


In case you'd like to participate (and, hey, it can't hurt), here are the times in America:

Washington, DC: Saturday, 1:08 am
Chi-town (I figure Kels can do plenty for world peace): Saturday, 12:08 am
San Francisco: Friday, 10:08 pm

Good luck, everyone. If the war is still going on come Sunday, I'll know ya'll didn't come hard enough.

Love,
GTG

Monday, December 10, 2007

Q: I bought "The Cone." I hate it. A: You're SOL.


Dear Go-To Girl,
I made a huge mistake. After my recent breakup, I desperately needed a new sex toy and I bought one without consulting you first. I got "The Cone." I hate it. What should I do?
Love,
Confused by the Cone

Dear CC,

I, too, am confused by The Cone. Every time I went to visit my friend who works at Babeland I would put my hands around it and wonder why anyone would spend $130 on a vibrating cone. There are a lot of vibrator shapes out there that manage to be both weird and orgasm-inducing, but a cone-shape isn't one I think of when I think of product success.
Since you can't return sex toys, I did some research into The Cone and here are my suggestions, which are based on the user comments at the Babeland site:


You have to sit on it.
Try out all the different vibrating options.
Use a second vibe for your clit. (I know, paying $130 for something that can't stand alone is infuriating)


If all else fails, clean it thoroughly and try to pawn it off on someone else.

Love,
GTG

Friday, December 07, 2007

The Verdict is In: "Double Up" Tour is Next Weekend's Go-To Show


OMG, y'all. My old pal Kels is on tour, perhaps for the last time. For those of you who don't think about R. Kelly day and night, he's got a court date for 5 child pornography charges set for the spring. Obviously, this is a bogus trial--but nevertheless, Kels might be...indisposed for quite some time and come out of prison singing about a totally different kind of "gettin' freaky in da club." If you catch my drift.

Next Saturday, December 15th, Kels will play at the Oakland Coliseum and I will be there. The reviews are in, like this one from Vibe, and they are overwhelmingly positive. Here's a link to the tour dates.

To paraphrase T.I.,
"If you've gotta man, try to leave him if you can [and come to the R. Kelly show]. I'm a flirt."

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Teen Birth Rate Increases: What about abstinence?

From the New York Times:

Teen birth rates are up for the first time in more than 15 years. What does this mean? Well, it means that there is either more pregnancy overall or that a greater proportion of pregnant teens are choosing to give birth instead of having an abortion or, perhaps, a spontaneous miscarriage.

Or...it means that when they are told that questions about birth control are totally off limits in their abstinence-only sex ed class they aren't learning how to avoid getting pregnant.

But don't listen to me--listen to the "expert" at the Heritage Foundation, Robert Rector:


Robert Rector, a senior research fellow with the Heritage Foundation, said that blaming abstinence-only programs was “stupid.” Mr. Rector said that most young women who became pregnant were highly educated about contraceptives but wanted to have babies.


Right. Now listen to a real expert, my advisor at Columbia, John Santelli:

Teenage birth rates are driven by rates of sex, contraception and abortion. In the 1990s, teenage sex rates dropped and condom use rose because teenagers were scared of AIDS, said Dr. John S. Santelli, chairman of the department of population and family health at Columbia University.


And let's hear from Rector one more time:

Mr. Rector of the Heritage Foundation said that teenage and unmarried birth rates were driven by the same factors: young women with little education who are devoted to mothering but see no great need to be married.


Apparently they have "little education" overall but manage to be "highly educated" about birth control methods which they just choose not to use. Way to go, Heritage Foundation.

Rector is an idiot--why not send him an email and tell him so?

Friday, November 30, 2007

Q: Painful Pussy. A: Ouch!



Dear Go To Girl,

I have a question you might know the answer to.

I've been seeing a girl long-distance, so we don't get that many chances to hook up. After we've been having sex for a few minutes, she starts to have pain in her vagina. She's a very juicy woman, but maybe extra lube could help? I'm a bit bigger than most guys, and she commented that my big dick might be the issue. She was also in an accident 6 years ago where her pelvis broke and altered the angle of vaginal entry, so we need to really work at insertion. Any thoughts?

Many thank-you's.
-John

Dear John,

Ouch! There's nothing worse than obstacles to long-distance-relationship sex. Your girlfriend's problem could be vaginismus, a condition in which the vagina kind of seizes up and makes sex really painful. Usually, though, vaginismus is not due to the kind of injury your girlfriend had a few years ago (again, ouch!).

A couple of things to ask her about: does it hurt when she puts other stuff in her vagina, like tampons or fingers? And are you able to penetrate her at all? Vaginismus usually prevents sex altogether because the vagina becomes so tight.

To solve this problem, your girlfriend ought to see a gynecologist and figure out what's up. Vaginismus is usually caused by subconscious stressors that often have a psychological cause (like child abuse or rape) but the treatment, which usually consists of exercises of the PC muscles, might be helpful to her. She also might have something else inside her vagina, like a sore, that is causing pain when you have sex so she should get tested for STDs. Second, try to penetrate her with fingers only for a while and see if you can get her to relax and not feel the pain. It's probably not your "big dick" though--sorry. That's hardly ever the real problem.

If all else fails, try some different positions--I don't know much about pelvic fractures, but I bet some positions hurt more than others. And more lube is always a good idea!

Love,
Go-To Girl

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Sex Secrets!

A fellow blogesse, Elicia Gonzales of SHE talk, is collecting sexy secrets a la the book Post Secret. Check out her blog and post a secret anonymously--and see if you can figure out which one is mine.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Q: Are there any condoms out there that don't suck? A: Found one!


Dear GTG,

I don't know what to do--I've met this guy and things are going great but I haven't used condoms in ages and I don't know which kind to buy. My corner drugstore has a dizzying array and I don't want to spend twelve bucks on rubbers that I end up hating after the first try. I don't like spermicide and I want them to be super thin. Any recommendations?

Rubbergirl

Dear RG,

While my normal advice when it comes to condoms is just "Yes!" I actually have a specific recommendation for you. I'm normally a Trojan girl (Ultra Thins, if you please) but I've discovered a condom that I just adore: The Kimono Type E. Kimono is a fantastic Japanese brand, and the Type E is the best yet. It's green (not its best feature) and has lots of ribs and dots that you can actually feel. The latex is so thin that it's as though it's not there at all.



When you're in the market for condoms, try to hit up a good sex toy store like Babeland or Good Vibrations that have samples out of the wrappers for you to feel. I like to take each condom between two fingers and rub them together--if you can feel heat between your fingers as you rub, you should be able to feel heat when you use them for sex. If you don't have such a store near you, go to the Babeland or GoodVibes website and order a selection of condoms--you can buy them individually and try them out til you find one you like.

Good luck!
Go-To Girl

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Virginity is so hot right now

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Virginia: Fuck Yeah!!!



Virginia Governor Tim Kaine continues kicking ass and taking names this week by eliminating Virginia's matching abstinence-only sex education funding. This step will end the federal government's AFLA funding to the state, too. This takes Virginia a few steps closer to being the state that will decide the 2008 election in favor of Democrats. Fuck yeah!

From the Washington Post.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Q: Blow-job dirty talk? A: Yes, but mind thy tongue

This Is The Point In The Blow Job Where I Have To Be Careful What I Say

The Onion

This Is The Point In The Blow Job Where I Have To Be Careful What I Say

Ordinarily, I am a candid, even verbose individual, but this is a particularly sensitive time for me, so I will try to remain brief. We have...

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Word of the Day: Kakistocracy

No, I am not making this up.

Kakistocracy:
A system of government in which the worst people are in power.

Obviously, this is now my favorite word. It's probably really pronounced "cackistocracy" but clearly needs to be pronounced "cockistocracy"

As in:
"What the fuck? Congress is allocating MORE money for abstinence-only? We are so under the thumb of a total kakistocracy."

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Q: Is it time for straight people to adopt hanky code? A: Yes.


You might be saying, "What's hanky code?" I'm here to tell you. First, click on this link to go to an extremely comprehensive listing of different colored hankies one can wear to da club and what they mean to potential sex partners.

So go read the list and then try to translate the following scenario:

"Gettin' Freaky in the Club"

(Straight crowd is milling around the bar. Everyone has a hanky. WTF?)

(Jenny walks to the bar and catches the bartender's eye. He walks over and notices that she has a bright red bandanna tied around her neck.)

Bartender: "Hey there, Miss, what can I getcha?"

Jenny: "How about a Strawberry Cheesecake Lube Shot?"

Bartender: "Whaa?"

Jenny: "Exactly."


When you've figured out what code Jenny is wearing, write me and let me know. But seriously, wouldn't it make life easier if people generally adopted hanky code? It might take the guessing game out of hooking up if you knew in advance that the guy or gal you're taking home isn't into biting but is into hair-pulling before you're disappointed not to have marks? Put another way, hankies reveal a person's particular kinks (or lack thereof) and can save the time and heartache of being in a relationship with someone who is totally sexually lame.

And, for the record, my hanky collection includes red, navy blue, brown lace, and this cute fuschia one with owls on it. Oh, and I'm wearing a houndstooth dress.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Review: O'My "Pixie"



Bullet vibrators come in two grades: amateur and professional. A great introduction to the world of vibrators, many bullets are made of hard, smooth plastic and churn through batteries at a rapid clip.

For those for whom the bullet vibe becomes a regular in their sex toy arsenal, the hard, smooth plastic cheapies do not suffice. That’s where the higher-end bullets, like O’My’s Pixie, come in.

The Pixie comes in three colors—pink, blue, and purple, making it easy to coordinate--or contrast—-with the rest of the toys in your box. Made of a nonporous silicone that also provides vital friction, the Pixie holds its own against the clit without becoming too slippery. Pixie is waterproof, making it a good toy for the shower or for internal play. Just make sure you clean it thoroughly afterwards!

The Pixie also comes with a nubby elastomer cover that can turn it into a vibrating cock ring that can be used on a cock or fingers.

At $20.99, the Pixie is a little pricier than other bullets, but for the higher quality materials and additional features it’s worth it. One factor to keep in mind with any vibrator is how quickly they use batteries. A $5 vibe that eats up a new set of AA’s with each use will quickly become more expensive than the $25 bullet whose batteries don’t need to be changed for months.

The Pixie has four speeds and when I first turned it on I expected a really strong vibration at the highest speed, but that’s not what I got. It was strong enough (and maybe my batteries weren’t too fresh) but I was surprised that I had to keep it turned on “Super” for the duration.

Though it only comes with one bullet, the Pixie has two jacks so that you can plug in another bullet if you have a friend to play with or just want to use two hands. The removable bullet also makes cleaning easier and eliminates those embarrassing, “What’s that buzzing inside my suitcase?” moments at airport security.

One of the marks of a higher quality bullet is its volume: lots of the cheaper ones seem designed to allow for maximum rattling and therefore zero privacy if you live with someone else. The Pixie isn’t totally silent, but it’s quieter than some other bullets I've used.

Bullet vibes are different than shaft-shaped ones; they can be inserted and pushed against the G-spot but are primarily intended to use on the clit. Try the Pixie inserted into the vagina with a butt plug to keep it in proximity to the G-spot and plug in another bullet to the second jack for the clit. Just an idea.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Q: Did God intend for pussy to taste like passionfruit? A: Ew. No.


New review is up!

With so many high-quality sex lubes out there today, it can be difficult for a newcomer to differentiate itself from its shelf-mates. O’My has entered the fray with a wide variety of lubes: silicone and water-based, flavored and “natural.”

First, the “natural” flavor. Where a lot of unflavored lubes go wrong is by including some ingredient that, while not a “flavor,” leaves a nasty taste in your mouth or a smell on your hands that kills the mood. My favorite lube, Maximus, tastes like tonic water and kind of makes your tongue go numb. Not hot.

O’My’s Natural Lubricant is great: It’s thick enough for both vaginal and anal play and it smells like aloe, not chemicals. It comes in a pretty, teardrop-shaped purple bottle that passes the bedside table test: the label says “natural” and nothing else. Unless someone looked closely, they’d think that nice bottle by your bed is hand lotion.

Since it’s water-based, O’My Natural doesn’t stain sheets and washes out easily. The pump top can be turned so that it is securely closed and packable. The 4 oz. bottle costs $13.95, which is kind of pricey but the subtlety of the bottle makes it a good investment.

I confess to being completely averse to flavored lubes in general; unless they’re being used over a piece of latex, strawberry or coconut just doesn’t taste good when added to the natural taste of someone’s private parts. I'm not really sure I actually understand under what circumstances they're supposed to be used. I get flavored condoms for blow jobs, but why do you need lube, too? And flavored lube on pussy is wretched, people. Trust me.

As far as flavored lubes go, O’My’s Strawberry Cheesecake and Passion Fruit are good. Each of these lubes is slightly less sticky than the Natural, meaning that they probably wouldn’t be very good for anal play. O’My’s flavored lubes are all sugar-free, which means that they won’t stick to your skin like candy and won’t cause nasty yeast infections which traditional flavored lubes are known to.

The Strawberry Cheesecake tastes like a strawberry Jell-O shot and the Passion Fruit tastes like liqueur. Neither of these flavors is bad, but I personally wouldn’t want to add them to sex. Perhaps the Girls Gone Wild people should invent a GGW shot for which a girl licks some flavored lube off some other girl's nipple and then takes a swill of tequila.

Strawberry Cheesecake’s bottle is the same as the Natural, but red; Passion Fruit is orange. The name of the flavor is the only text on the bottle, so these lubes also pass the bedside table test.

In addition to these three types, O’My has flavored lubes in Melon, Cappuccino, Cherry, Kiwi Strawberry, Blueberry Cheesecake, and Pina Colada. Why not have a tasting party? Where are you, Girls Gone Wild?

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Newsbites: Friends with benefits, Gay Navy, etc.


Researchers at Michigan State University have done the first (tiny, unrepresentative, pretty useless) study on "friends with benefits." The study found that, duh, someone in the relationships is almost always afraid of one partner becoming more emotionally attached than the other. The New York Times article can be found here.


And in other news, gay porn found on a Navy Officer's computer will be used as evidence against him at trial.

Gay Porn Allowed as Evidence in Navy Trial
A military judge has ruled that gay adult content on a Navy physician’s personal computer can be used as evidence against him to support charges that he secretly recorded midshipmen from the Naval Academy having sex at his home in Annapolis.

Monday, October 01, 2007

By Popular Demand: The 10 Steps to a Successful Anal Encounter




Go-To Girl assumes that when normal people have dinner parties they don't sit around the table with their closest friends explaining how to successfully have anal sex. But, hey, anything for you guys!

Ethically speaking I have to say that I learned (almost) everything I know from Tristan Taormino, author of The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women.

While I have written several times about anal sex in this column, my readers (read: dinner party guests) are begging for an explicit and authoritative account of the 10 Steps. So, here goes.

1. Buy a bottle of lube.

2. Put it under your pillow.

3. When going down on your partner covertly lube up a finger. (9 times out of 10 the friend-cum-reader who's asking is male with a female partner, but the same applies if it's some other combination of partners or a female partner who wants to peg her man)

4. Touch the rosebud lightly; eventually you should be able to feel it relax and it will open up slightly.

5. Put your fingertip in. Delicately!

6. Assuming your partner doesn't say, "What the fuck are you doing?"* bring them to orgasm with your finger in their ass.

7. Snuggle and whatever and say something like, "That was so hot." Hopefully they'll agree and say something like, "I don't know if this sounds weird, but that felt soooo good!"

8. Repeat steps 3-7 until you can comfortably get 3 fingers in. This will probably take a few days.

9. When you and your partner have decided that you're ready to go forward with a cock-in-ass situation, warm up first with some fingerplay. Add more lube!

10. Covering your cock (flesh or silicone) with a ridiculous amount of lube (you should put on so much lube that you think, "Surely no one could ever need this much lube." And then add more.) go forth and fuck appropriately.

Notes:

While not mandatory if you and your partner are STI-free, condoms are a good idea for health reasons and because...well...what goes up must go down. Keep that in mind.

Do NOT use baby oil or any other oil-based lube. Or flavored lube. I like Maximus.

My dinner party guests were not in agreement about whether or not one should mention anal curiosity beforehand; I think, honestly, that once you get to be a certain age it's okay to try certain things without asking. Obviously "No" means "No," but your chances of success are better if you finger first and get told "No" (or, hopefully, "Yes!Yes!YES!!!") later.


*If this happens, you might be shit out of luck.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Support Our Troops: Get Them Laid!





Go-To Girl does not ordinarily comment on the war, but these pictures crossed my desk (read: inbox) and I thought I'd post them. I think they're a really heartfelt reminder that while our government may view American soldiers as expendable, there are horny wives and girlfriends to whom they are not.

At Camp Lejeune, in North Carolina, Marines' families are not allowed to meet them at the plane when they arrive, so they make these bedsheet-signs and hang them on the fence by the runway.

While I think it's really adorable and kind of romance novel-y to envision these soldiers coming home to wildly excited wives and girlfriends, these photos are a poignant reminder that some 3,500 men and women didn't make it back at all.

Let's hope they remembered their protective gear.



all photos courtesy of Quaker House.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

New Toy Reviews!



Dear readers,

Every now and then I get a bagful of sex paraphernalia that I get to try out and write about for SexHerald.com. Here is the latest slew of products (part 1 of 3):

O'My Pleasure Gel

Like alchemy and the search for the Holy Grail, some searches are forever fruitless. The search for a magic clit-stimulator bullet is similarly ineffective: most products designed for this purpose do absolutely nothing, and O’My’s Pleasure Gel is no exception.

Pleasure Gel, like other similar products, promises to “enhance sexually intimate activities by increasing clitoral sensitivity and improving women’s ability to achieve orgasm.” (Quote from the enclosed instructions.) The “science” behind this gel is that it creates a cold/hot feeling that is due to the menthol in the gel.

The gel does indeed elicit a cold/hot sensation, but that sensation does not really increase sexual pleasure or sensitivity at all. It actually feels a little bit alarming; I don’t associate a burning feeling with sexual pleasure but with fear and a panicked call to the gynecologist.

At $20 per .4 oz tube, this product is a total waste of money. For those insistent on trying topical clitoral stimulators, there are other, similar products available that cost less. The one advantage O’My’s gel has over other products I’ve tried is that it doesn’t smell like menthol. Menthol smells good when you put it on your chest to help a sore throat, but mixed with pussy it smells horrible.

O’My’s Pleasure Gel can be used on other sensitive tissues, like the nipples or the ass and it creates the same warmth that is intensified by blowing on the area. But as an orgasm enhancer, this product does not live up to its promise.

Zero Stars!

Monday, September 24, 2007

Q: Doesn't anyone do research on fetishes? A: Take this survey

Hey readers--
The great people at National Coalition for Sexual Freedom are conducting research into the discrimination and/or violence experienced by people who engage in sexual behaviors considered "kinky." By way of generalization, this means B/D/S/M (bondage/domination/submission/masochism), leather, and various other fetishes that are not considered "normal." This is distinct, though not necessarily mutually exclusive from, traditional sexual minorities--LGBTQ, etc.

The survey is available on the NCSF website:
www.ncsfreedom.org

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Q: How do lesbians have sex? A: Join this website.




Remember Crash Pad and Superfreak? Now there's a pay site with continuously updated dyke porn here. It's a little bit pricey but my brief glance at the video previews shows that it's indeed totally hot.

Here's a preview of the Dylan and Trucker video:

video

Kels + Usher = Delicious

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

AmeriSex News Items!


Don't sue me Kels; it's a mannequin!

Item:

R. Kelly's trial has been postponed again, indefinitely.

Apparently the lady-prosecutor in the case went and got knocked up and had a baby so she's unavailable to be at trial until spring 2008.

The good news though is that jurors will get to see the 26 minute sex tape in its entirety. Hopefully they'll also watch the Dave Chappelle sketch so R. Kelly can demonstrate the hateration that has been perpetrated against him as a result of this case.

*Sigh*

Item:


So I'm watching a CNBC show called "On the Money" today and there's a bit on what's being billed as the "American Idol" of porn.

It's called "America's Next Top Porn Star." It's available, hilariously, on Pay-Per View. I knew that it was tough for guys to break in to porn, but girls? I thought it was pretty much a first come, first serve kind of industry. http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif

Here's the registration form for the show. See the list of, ahem, activities.

Sad but true

Go-To Girl Has a New Address!

Please update your bookmarks with my new, incredibly easy to remember website name!

www.thisisgotogirl.com

While you're here, please take my poll testing the validity of 10-10-50. What is 10-10-50, you ask?

Click here to read the original post. Then click here to read the revision.

Then take the poll.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Q: Is there a Brazilian wax substitute? A: It's called "shaving"


The Go-To Razor.

Dear Go-To Girl,

Is there a brazilian wax substitute?
I liked the look and feel, and I LOVE the effect it has on my boyfriend. It was just so painful!! How do you make it hurt less?

Love,

Like Arachnaphobia but for Pain

Dear LABFP,

Believe me, I know how you feel. The friend of mine who talked me in to getting a Brazilian wax kept promising that it would "hurt so good" and that I'd just want to "rub all over everything." In retrospect, neither of those things are super-appealing, and neither actually happened.

She told me to take lots of ibuprofen before my appointment, to get some Bactine, and, if possible, to get high. I took ibuprofen and bought some Bactine, but I didn't have any drugs so I can't speak to the effect they might've had. I wasn't in much pain afterwards, but g-ddammit, I almost gave up in the middle of the whole thing.

I think that shaving, once you've mastered the art, is just as good as waxing but if you want to mimic the boyfriend-effect you really have to do it right before sex. I know people who are into having their partner shave them. If your partner is R. Kelly, I imagine you know something about this.

To do a really thorough job, you've got to get out of the way of the shower stream and use a good shaving cream--I like Kiss My Face because it's not foamy and stays put for a while. You've got to put each leg up on something and use your hands to pull the skin of your vag taut to get a smooth shave. Shave in the direction of hair growth first and then shave against it.



You've got to really use your hands so you can feel where the hair is; you won't be able to see all the crevices you're after, so get comfortable. Controversy surrounds whether or not to shave the rosebud; if you're not into anal, don't bother.

Shaving the area takes practice and maintenance but it's worth it.

Please do not--I repeat, do not--use depilatories in your nether regions. Take it from me--they aren't lying when it says on the label that it's not intended for the "genital area."

Good luck!
Go-To Girl

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Q: Should I forget about the guy with the plywood mattress? A: Yes


dear gtg,
this past spring, a good friend set me up with a friend of hers. goofy art kid without a decent full-time job and plywood board for a mattress. we slept together...a lot. i found it annoying that he would take eons to return my calls and would myspace message me instead of using email, but, quirky art kid, right?

we were having a grand old time until i left for a month-long trip. we said "see you later," and, while i joked with friends that i'd probably come back and he'd have a girlfriend, i was truly surprised when i got back and that's precisely what happened! am i wrong to think that, even if you're just having a good time with someone (whom you might like out of bed as much as in), wouldn't it be nice if they told you they were kinda on to someone else and basically using your cooter in the interim? because he didn't tell me himself, oh no. i found out through the friend who'd hooked us up, after i'd been back for a week!

whatever happened to courtesy and gentle ego-breaking rejection? the worst part: i still have it for this dude a little. it's maddening. so where did i go wrong? did i give the goods away too fast? was i, for however beautiful and awesome he kept telling me i was, not good enough? or should i just stay away from guys who sleep on plywood boards?

Sadly,
Princess In Madd Plywood

Dear PIMP,

I want you to visualize something for me. Pretend that, while you were gone on your trip, douchebag goofy art kid was laying, alone, on his plywood mattress, fantasizing about you and crying and jerking off til he couldn't feel anything anymore.

He is so distraught by your absence--indeed, he was so nervous about his feelings for you that he had to use MySpace messages instead of real email or the phone to get in touch with you--that he does the only thing a man can do: he sought comfort in the arms of another cooter.

He didn't reject you--you rejected him. You said, "See ya, biatch, I'm goin' on a trip." And he couldn't handle it. This very situation has happened to every girl--including me, this very summer--and believe me, the heartbroken men are legion, wandering the earth drunk-dialing their ex-girlfriends in our absence. But that's what life is like when you're a pimp. You can't get hung up on the last guy, or the guy whose fingers trembled too much to dial a phone, or the guy who slept on a plywood board, or the guy who "thought" he mentioned that he was going to visit his ex-girlfriend. He does all of these things because he's just that into you. And he can't handle it.

So, PIMP, you are the playa in this situation (as, as always, am I). It is up to you to pick yourself up by your lady-bootstraps and find a man with a real mattress and fingers that are functionally able to dial a telephone. And take comfort in the fact that this problem effects men the world over: He's Just Not That Into You has been translated into 37 languages, after all.

Love,
Go-To Girl

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Back-to-School Special: Part 1

As promised, here is the first installment of my soon-to-be wildly popular Back-to-School Special.



Dear Go-To Girl,

Ok, I'm ashamed to admit it, but I have a question about the Larry Craig scandal. Dan Savage, as well as other people, when dissecting this phenomenon of secret man-on-man bathroom hook-ups, have said that most men who engage in such behavior are "straight-identified." This makes sense to me. What I'm wondering is, are these "straight-identified" men really gay, and hiding it because they're conservative senators or whatever? Or are there lots of seriously straight men who crave the thrill of this kind of interaction too? Is bathroom sex an outlet for gay desires, or separate kink to itself?

Thanks!

Curious

Dear Curious,

I'm with Dan on this one. While Senator Craig might "really" be gay (just like R. Kelly might "really" prefer peeing on people) and deals with it by having secret sex with men while maintaining his hetero marriage and his anti-gay stance in Congress, it's definitely true that there are men (and women) who really are straight and like to have same-sex sex sometimes.

In Craig's case it's impossible to tell if he's "really" gay. But who cares? There are just as many straight-identified guys who like to fuck other guys as there are gay-identified guys who prefer to fuck straight guys (Google image search "straight guys" if you don't believe me).

In my mind, sexual orientation is about what gender of person you want to be in love with, not what gender you like to fuck. For most straight people, they are one in the same, but not for everyone. Some gay men have sex with women because they like the poontang--but they want to have relationships with men. Maybe Senator Craig really wishes he could set up house with one of these bathroom guys, but it's just as real a possibility that having sex in bathrooms is, for him, a kink that he sometimes indulges while maintaining that he is actually, certifiably, really straight.

Love,
Go-To Girl

Guys Gone WILD!!!

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

It must be back to school time...


Seriously, when it comes to sex-blogging, it's either feast or famine. Usually I'm begging for questions or writing about my friends' secret love scandals (just kidding, guys!) but it's obviously back to school because I've gotten like ten questions in the last 48 hours.

I promise to answer them all in turn, starting tomorrow. But until your question gets answered, remember: use condoms, people. Otherwise, go forth and fuck appropriately.

Larry Craig pulls an R. Kelly

via the New York Times:
Mr. Craig stunned Washington late yesterday with an announcement through his spokesman that he may return to the Senate despite announcing Saturday “my intent to resign from the Senate effective September 30.”

Holy Shit! Senator Craig is clearly taking a page from R. Kelly's playbook by giving a big "Fuck you!" to Washington.

Senator Craig, I recommend you defiantly return to W'ton on September 30th with your Stunnas on and bouncin' on your 24's, which should also be chopping and spinning.

And remember what R. Kelly wrote in "Rollin'":

I'm back Niggas [Senators]
What?
Ya’ll thought I was gone? [resigning in disgrace?]
Nope!!

When I was down you bitches didn’t want to be my friends (rollin) [ethics inquiry?]
And now I’m rollin all you bitches wanna hop in [Fuck all y'all!]
Rollin

Players hate, players hate [I'm looking at you, Senator Mitch McConnell {R-KY}]
When I walk up in the club [Senate]
I got them shades on doing about 75 [glasses]
Just call me speed racer cause I’m rollin in at mach 5 [more like 35 on Constitution]
Ya’ll niggas ain't fucking with me [Senate Ethics Committee]
And I put a mil on it [just ask my lawyers, Stanley Brand and Andrew Herman of the Brand Group]
Niggas and bitches they lie [fuck the police]
But home boy them stats don’t [prostitute's phone list, Senator Vitter {R-LA}?]
R & B Boss/Hussling like Rick Ross/Man my flow is so raw/
So niggas don’t piss me off [listen up, Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington]
I’m a player homie and that’s a well known factor [thanks for your support, Senator Arlen Specter {R-PA}]
Plus the wheels on that coup got it looking like a tractor [I am from Idaho, after all]


I really thought Senator Craig was going to puss out on this one, but he's obviously been inspired by R. Kelly's upcoming child pornography trial (stay tuned for up-to-the-minute coverage starting September 17th!). Fuck the Republican leadership.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Q: Should I get a Brazilian wax the day before my boyfriend comes home? A: Not unless he's blind.


Ouch! Make sure the person waxing you speaks enough English to understand when you say "STOP!".

Dear Go-To Girl,

So I've been wanting to get a Brazilian bikini was for ages now and my boyfriend has been away all summer so now seems like a perfect time. What's the recovery like? If I get waxed the day before he comes home, will I be in too much pain to fuck all weekend?

We haven't seen each other in so long that I can't tolerate anything standing in the way of us having constant sex for at least 3 days.

Love,

Wannabe Brazilian

Dear WB,

Having had some recent experience in this area, I can tell you that a Brazilian wax will not leave you in too much pain to have sex (a friend of mine describes the feeling as "hurts so good") but your area will look puffy, red, and unappealing, which is kind of the diametric opposite of what you're going for when you get a Brazilian.

I think you need a few days to visually recover, but you can definitely have sex right away. The part that hurts the most is the mons; the vaj itself recovers remarkably fast. The good news about a bikini wax is that the whole process only takes about 20 minutes: a solid, excruciating 20 minutes. And then it's over.

Go Forth and Wax,

Go-To Girl

Friday, August 17, 2007

R. Kelly's Done It Again



By way of the Washington Post:

Remember "Trapped in the Closet"?

R. Kelly has come out with ten new chapters to his totally bizarre, fucking awesome video musical opus.

"Closet" follows Kels' hyper-literal lyrical style, except that in this new set of chapters there are aliens. From space. Perhaps he met them when he was taking his girl to "Sex Planet"?

Asked about his inspiration for penning the ten new chapters, Kels replied: "I don't know how to explain how I wrote it." But he assures fans that he will continue adding installments until "the aliens decide to leave."

Kels, I've got a few ideas about where your inspiration came from:

"Even after that I was taking shots, shot after shot, shot after shot..." ("Leave Your Name")

"This weed and Patron got me hazy..." ("Rock Star")

"Steppin' out the club with a dizzy head..." (Double Up")

"Smokin' some trees..." ("Leave Your Name")

"Got Patron in the club, feelin' good...hey hey, I'm feelin' good, I'm so high..." ("Get Dirty")

"On the hood of that old school, I'll be smokin' trees on it..." ("Rollin")



Perhaps we all misunderstood R. Kelly's motivation for going to the club and drinking himself into oblivion: he's not trying to get laid, he's looking for a source of inspiration. I mean, it worked for Morrison, Joplin, and Elvis: why not Kels? Let's just hope he doesn't die before his trial this September.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Q: My boyfriend won't let me finger his ass. I think he thinks it's "gay." WTF? A: Just do it.

This month, Details magazine has a provocative article about "demanding" anal sex. Read it here.

Dear Go-To Girl,

I really want to try fingering my boyfriend's ass when I'm going down on him, but he won't let me. He obviously doesn't know how good it feels or he would let me; how can I convince him? I think he thinks only gay guys like having their asses touched, but I know that's not true.

Love,

Want to Let My Fingers Do the Walking

Dear Fingerwalker,

Tons of straight guys get skeezed out by the idea of having you stick a finger in their ass, but I don't know if it's as much a fear of getting in touch with their inner gayness as much as it's a fear of something they think might be painful. Or painfully gay.

Chances are, at some point in his life, a guy has put his own finger in his ass, even if it was when he was a kid. If it felt good then, he'd still be doing it. So it's your job to connect the dots for him.

I don't know how many guys refuse to allow their girlfriend to put something in their ass; unfortunately, we don't collect statistics on that sort of thing. But most guys I know, if pressed, will admit to having tried it. It might be something that changes with age; the more experienced you get with regular, vanilla sex the more curious you become about trying new things. So if your boyfriend is, like, 22, you might trade up to an older model if you want to get kinky.

If I were you, I'd have a bottle of lube handy, maybe under the pillow or in your pocket, when you're going down on him. Get him to spread his legs and, um, surprise him with a well-lubed finger. Hopefully he'll like it so much that he'll let you stay in.

The capacity to experience pleasure with anal play is the same for guys as girls; you have to create an association in the brain that it can be pleasurable to have your ass played with. That's what makes the blowjob crucial.

If he really won't let you, I'd say let it go. Surely there are people who just can't have a good time with something in their ass. It's up to you to decide whether or not you want to be with someone who won't let you in. Having someone put their finger in your ass doesn't make you gay more than going to "gay reparative therapy" makes you straight.

Love,

GoTo Girl

Monday, August 06, 2007

Q: Do I need to get the Morning After Pill? A: If you have to ask, then yes.



Dear Go-To Girl,

So...this is awkward, because I don't want you to judge me or anything...I was using a condom and, I mean, it didn't break or anything but I think some...you know...might have come out the top. Should I get the morning after pill? I'm pretty regular and I think I'm supposed to ovulate this weekend and I'm really worried. What should I do? Are there bad side effects?

Love,

I'm Totally Responsible

Dear ITR,

The great thing about the morning after pill is that, since you're over 18 and it's over the counter, you can just get it at the drugstore (assuming the pharmacist isn't a dick) and take it.

Plan B isn't 100% effective, but the sooner you take if after sex the better. You can take it within 5 days of unprotected sex but, ideally, you should take it right away. Having an extra dose or two laying around is a great idea, just in case you need it again sometime and run in to an asshole activist pharmacist who won't give it to you.

The side effects are usually mild and the most common are nausea and breast tenderness. But considering the nausea and breast tenderness one experiences during pregnancy, a wee bit with Plan B is a small price to pay.

If you need help finding Plan B, go here. And while you're at the drugstore, get two or three doses. Men can buy it, too.

You can also use regular birth control pills as emergency contraception. Here is a chart that explains how many pills of each brand to take.

Love,
Go-To Girl

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

"You've Got to be Fucking Kidding Me"--Wednesday Edition


Keep it to yourself, vegan.

Via "Human Nature" on slate.com: apparently there are people in New Zealand who describe themselves as "vegansexuals." As if being vegan weren't intolerable enough (hello? God made meat delicious so we would want to eat it) now they have the gall to think that they're turning us carnivores down for sex.

The joke's on you, vegans--I think it's we meateaters who are proudly declining to have sex with you, and not the other way around. That deafening silence in your ear while you have your grass salad and juice? The sound of meat eaters not hitting on you, not asking you out, and not breathing heavily whilst fucking you. Good luck perpetuating your species.

Love,
Go-To Girl, former vegan-dater

Monday, July 30, 2007

Q: I don't want to sound conceited or anything, but I really think Magnums are more comfortable. A: Riiight.



Dear Go-To Girl,

I don't want to sound like a douchebag, but I really think that the Magnum condoms are more comfortable. I never thought that I was that big, but hey, can't argue with an unbiased product, right?

Hope to see you soon,
Apparently Magnum Size, PhD

Dear Dr. AMS,

Wow! Congratulations on your discovery. You'd be amazed how often guys tell me this. I'm sure the guys around the sandbox will be pumped to hear about how you "have" to use Magnums. Maybe you should have a contest to see who can pee the farthest.

But seriously. Not to burst your bubble, but there's some bad news here. The base of a Magnum condom--the part that most guys complain is too tight on regular condoms--is exactly the same size as a regular Trojan condom*. I can't tell you why I know this, but I guarantee that it's true. So just because you find the Magnums more comfortable doesn't mean that you're bigger than average.


Straight cylinder Ultra Thin

The difference between the Magnum and, say, the UltraThin is that the condom is shaped like a baseball bat, so it's wider at the top whereas a traditional condom is the same circumference at the bottom and the top. I think that the reason it feels less tight at the base is because loosening up a condom at one end probably allows more blood flow in the penis overall and makes you feel less...suffocated in there.


Baseball-bat shaped Magnum

Some 90% of people's interpretation of and satisfaction with penis size is psychological, so if buying Magnums makes sex feel better for you and provides you with some advantage with the ladies (or dudes, as the case may be) then go forth and fuck appropriately. But you're not the only guy trying to play the Magnum card, pal. Sorry.

Love Always,
Go-To Girl (Aka Mrs. Magnum)

* The Magnum XL is actually slightly bigger at the base.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

What I'm Listening To

Summer is a time of sensuality and sitting on the beach in a bikini reading Thug-a-licious just wouldn't be as hot if I didn't have a bunch of sweet-ass music to listen to.



First up: "Double Up" by R. Kelly.
To all the haters who constantly remind me that R. Kelly may or may not be on trial for peeing on a 13 year old girl (or something): this man doesn't give a fuck what you think about his sexual exploits. And neither do I. R. Kelly has not shied away from his sexual side just because he may or may not have committed statutory rape by way of golden showers.

"Double Up" opens with the defiant "The Champ" that has a clear "Fuck Y'all" message and goes right into the title track that features, appropriately, Snoop Dogg. The message of "Double Up" is that ladies at the club shouldn't worry about going home with Kels or Dogg just because their friend is with them; she can be easily accomodated, too. Kels has room for a "freak in the front and a freak in the back." Threesomes, people.

For the most part Kels' lyrical style is hyper-literalism, along the lines of "Leave Your Name" and "Flirt." R. Kelly wants to fuck you (or your chick) and he will stop at nothing to achieve his goal. He will flirt with your girl, give her his number, fuck her like you can't, eat that pussy like you won't, and generally show her a better time than anyone on the planet. And, he reminds you, he can do this because he is "The King of R and B," an real playa, a balla, makin' the real paper, and so on.

But Kels is not a one trick lyrical pony: he uses metaphor beautifully in tracks like "The Zoo" and "Sex Planet" that feature lines like:

"I've got you so wet/it's like a rainforest/like Jurassic Park except that/I'm your sexasaurus" (insert monkey sounds here [seriously])--"The Zoo"

"I'm about tickle and touch your soul/Once I enter into your black hole...Girl I promise this will be painless, painless/We'll take a trip to planet Uranus" --"Sex Planet"

The entire album isn't about fucking, at least not directly: it's also about being famous (and all the girls Kels is fucking as a result), having a baby (presumably due to fucking), the Virginia Tech massacre (and how R. wants to fuck their pain away), dating the same girl as a close friend (who, I think, both Kels and Usher are fucking), getting a quality girl to hook Kels up with a quality friend (so he can fuck her), being on a girl's ringtone (because he's fucked her), reggae music (because they love fucking him in Jamaica), trying to get a phone number (so he can fuck her), looking for a "main chick" or a "potential wife" (to fuck, also), getting freaky in the club, and so on.

As a cautionary note, should anyone be confused about the potential uses of this album, "Double Up" should absolutely not be used as music to fuck by. Having sex and listening to R. Kelly at the same time is the carnal equivalent of "crossing the streams" and I think it's really possible that one might die from doing so.

Buy this album. Immediately.

Love,
G-Pain (aka Go-To Girl)

PS-I'm also listening to "Infinity on High" by Fall Out Boy. A lot. And "Thunder, Lightning, Strike" by The Go! Team.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Summer Reading Spectacular

So I was at the beach this weekend and I had with me a couple of books that I feel obligated, as both a sex expert and a literary gal, to tell you about lest you find yourself on the beach and in need of reading material.



Thug-a-licious, by Noire.
I have seen lots of people (ladies, mostly) reading this on the subway and being admittedly totally unaware of the black erotic fiction genre, I was super excited when I found it in the fiction section of the library. So I picked it up. It's about a guy who is an amazing basketball player and rapper and has like 9 kids and a steady girlfriend and is running around Harlem fucking girls and settling scores.

That's about the size of it. The sex scenes are way more graphic than what I would've expected to find in the public library. I give this book an 8 for entertainment and a 10 for being a fantastic conversation starter, especially when you're with people you've never met before.




The Book of the Courtesans
, by Susan Griffin.
Obviously, I mostly only read books about sex. This book is a historical account of courtesans in Europe and makes it seem like a pretty badass lifestyle. Having sex, collecting jewelry, not having to be married, exerting undue influence on important political leaders--sounds right up my alley.



1984, by George Orwell.
I managed, somehow, never to have read this in high school or college. So I'm giving it a shot as my "serious" summer reading book. I haven't started it yet, but I'm looking forward to realizing how many literary jokes I've missed out on over the years as a result of not having read 1984.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Girls Gone Wild!!! Q: Why don't American girls put out? A: Because you're an asshole.



All the way from The Continent:

Dear Go-To Girl,
Hey! I've been on my trip to Europe for a few weeks and I so totally miss you.
From my travels, I thought i´d take a moment to inform you all about the crappiness of american women. American women suck. They´re bred to believe they are all princesses, watching mtv reality shows and gay romance comedies. Some vestige of puritanism still exists today in the american mind, i know this because ive noticed on this trip that american girls don´t fuck. It´s true. I spent all last night in group of 15 americans, only 5 of which were guys, and some of the girls were all over the guys. did they fuck? I think you know the answer. Scenario B, ugly dudes in Madrid, European women sort of all over them, did they fuck? Yes, they fucked.

American girls get better though. It usually takes until about a year after college when they start to connect with the real world and get over themselves. Agreed?

I can´t say im not writing this out of anger, because i wasted an entire fucking night hanging out with american girls, slowly realizing that they´re not fuck friendly, watching myself and my other male compatriots be ceaselessly teased and taunted until the very end, when we all walked back together, alone. What the fuck? Compare this to the night prior, same exact situation, replace American girls with european girls, everyone gets laid. Fucking americans.

i´m quite hungover, so excuse the poor grammer and composition.
thank you, and goodnight.

Love,
You-Know-Who (Trevor)

Dear YKW,
You're so sweet; I'm so flattered that you thought to write and tell me about how much you hate American girls and how honest you were about your poor spelling and grammar skills.

But back to your question: Obviously, these particular American girls were looking for something that you and your D just couldn't provide. And if they were just "ceaselessly teasing" you, why didn't you just leave? Because you were hoping they'd get drunk enough and/or turned on enough by your simmering bitterness to want to take you home and fuck you? Simmering bitterness definitely isn't what I look for in a man [except in you, of course]; perhaps you should've pretended you were Spanish.

I think there's a good analogy to be made here between poontang and fast food. You're basically the guy who goes all the way to Europe to go to McDonald's and expects the food to taste different than back in [place you live]. But you know what? You ought to be eating paella til you throw up and saving your desire for burgers and fries til you get home.

The last time I was abroad I did in fact meet an American guy. But in contrast to your situation, he was the complete opposite of the kind of guy I would date in America. My friends and family called him "Captain College." But I digress. The point is that traveling abroad makes you change your priorities and preferences such that up is down and down is up. I'd be willing to bet that any one of the American MTV-reality-show-watching Puritanical Princesses would have taken you home and fucked you if you were home in [place you live].

But then again, I'm not your typical American gal; perhaps that's why you emailed me. I guess next time you should offer them a thong if they'll kiss eachother or show you their tits; the Girls Gone Wild thing seems to know no bounds. But until then, I'd stick to paella while you've got it.

Best of Luck,
Go-To Girl