Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Talking Dirty: Lingering Fishbowl Questions, Part 1

Friends: There were a few questions floating around the girl circle of the FGC Fishbowl last week that didn't get answered, so I'm offering my thoughts on them. My apologies to the original question writers if I paraphrase incorrectly. This is Part 1 of 4.

Q: What about noises/talking during sex?

A: Everybody feels differently about how a hookup should sound: some people want a play-by-play and others prefer "Meeting for Worship with a Concern for Getting it On." I think humans can generally be divided into three broad categories: breathers, moaners, and talkers.

Breathers might not make much noise but will breathe in ways that, if interpreted correctly, are totally hot. Especially if they're breathing heavily in your ear while sucking on your earlobe. Or whatever.

Moaners moan without having to try; they get hit in the right spot or licked in the right way and they can't not make noise.

Talkers can be good talkers or bad talkers. Good talkers say things that are hot and make you feel good; bad talkers make inappropriate comments and kill the mood.

One important note about talking: the first time you hook up with someone, you should tell them they're beautiful. Especially if they're a girl. There are no exceptions to this rule other than using a synonym for "beautiful" like "gorgeous" or "so fucking hot." Doing this a) makes the girl think you're all sensitive and nice (which can, ahem, open doors) and b) is just good policy.

Becoming a Moaner

If you're naturally quiet during sex, don't fake moaning; just try to identify the times and feelings that elicit heavy breathing and try to add a little bit of a moan to the mix. Eventually, moans will come to you naturally. But don't overdo it: not everything should make you moan like you're about to come. The person pleasing you wants to earn those sounds. There's nothing worse than hearing someone sound like the star of "Cum Guzzling Sluts Part 7."

If you're such a moaner that you do really sound like a pornstar, try gagging yourself or putting a pillow over your face. It will be that much hotter when you can moan again.

How to Talk

Talking dirty, for those to whom it doesn't come naturally, is an art form that can take an average sexual experience all the way to awesome. If your partner asks you to talk dirty to them, here are a few places to start:

"I can't wait to ____ you"
"Your ____ feels so fucking good"
"I love it when you ____ me"
"Your ____ gets so ____ when I ____ it"
"Your ____ is going to make me come"

(Words like "pussy" and "cock" are definitely appropriate for the blanks)

And so on. The worst mistake you can make when talking is to come up with a script and use it again and again. Your partner will remember if you said "I love it when your ____ gets tight when I ____ you" the last time you ____ed them.

If your partner has specific fantasies or things they want you to say to them during sex, by all means indulge them. But if something makes you uncomfortable (using the word "Daddy" comes to mind), say so. Talking should make things hotter, not weird.

The most important thing about noise during sex is to not stifle sounds. Don't bite your tongue and not moan or say, "Ohmigod, you're so fucking hot" because you're nervous. And while I don't normally play the age card, the older you get the less worried you are about what you might say and the louder things get. And, believe me, it's hot.

Chances are whatever moans, heavy breathing, or brief comments you would unconsciously make are the actually hottest thing you could contribute to the sexual dialogue between you and your partner.

I love it when you ____ my ____,
Go-To Girl

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