Thursday, July 17, 2008

Q: Boyfriend Hates Condoms
A: Blah, blah, blah

Spermicides are gross.

Note to readers: Yes, it's masturbation week. No, spermicide has nothing to do with masturbation. But the urgency of this question (see the postscript) made me want to drop masturbation for a few minutes and answer.

Dearest Go-To Girl,

My boyfriend is about to visit for our only time together in the next five months or so, because I'm studying abroad, so obviously sex is a top priority. Normally we just rely on the pill, [we've both been checked for STDs and are clean] but I've been on antibiotics for the past 9 days, which I know can mess with estrogens.

I've suggested using a condom for a few days, but he's completely rebuffed by the idea [could have something to do with his feeling "small" -even though he's not- and like the condoms "don't fit" him.] I went out and bought "snugger fit" condoms, but he still is pretty cool to the idea.

Today, he suggested using spermicide. Now, it could be just me, but putting some crazy chemical in my vag that falls in the categories of herbicide, pesticide, suicide and homicide gives me the heebyjeebies. Also, I've heard that it can really irritate your tissue, and if that happens then our two week stay will be fucked. Or actually, not fucked at all. Which is a problem too.

But MOST of all, I do NOT want to be PREGNANT in MEXICO.

Su ayuda, por favor...,
Feeling Sperimicidal?

PS-He's coming in two days.

Dear F.S.,

Blah blah blah, condoms are too tight for me, blah blah blah, they make sex feel weird, blah blah blah, I can't stay hard, blah blah blah. If I had just a penny for every time a guy has uttered one of the endless litany of excuses not to use condoms, I would be one rich sex blogger.

Your boyfriend is being a total douche. Here's the problem with spermicide:
a) it's a gel/foam/suppository/film that dissolves in your vagina and immobilizes sperm, preventing them from entering the cervix and fertilizing an egg;
b) it's a gel/foam/etc. that you put in your vagina that tastes like fucking gross chemical (doesn't anyone remember how nasty condoms with Nonoxynol-9 were?) and will totally burn your tongue, so oral sex is out;
c) with perfect use, it's only 81% effective. Withdrawal is more effective than that.
You have a couple of options here.

1. Don't have sex unless your boyfriend grows the fuck up and uses condoms.

2. Use spermicide, avoid pregnancy, get a raging vaginal infection. In Mexico.

3. Use spermicide, get pregnant anyway, get a raging vaginal infection. In Mexico.

4. Use condoms. Have all the sex you want. Avoid pregnancy. In Mexico.

5. Don't use anything, take Plan B. If you can get your hands on it. In Mexico.

See where I'm going with this? Spermicide is your worst option. It's not very effective, it can cause serious vaginal and penile infections, it's a chemical that will go into your vagina and smell and taste absolutely gross and then drip slowly out of you after sex. Yuck.

Condoms are clean, don't smell gross, prevent the slow dripping of anything out of you, and are super effective at preventing pregnancy. Order some Kimono Type E's and go at it.

Go-To Girl

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