Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Q: Help! I've never had an orgasm;
A: Masturbation Week to the Rescue!
The vibrating cock ring is your friend.
Dear Go-To Girl,
I've never been able to masturbate, meaning that touching myself doesn't set off any physical reaction. Well, now that I've been having intercourse (vaginal and otherwise), I can't orgasm. Having never done so before, I can't tell for sure that I've ever been close, but the times I thought I was I can count on my fingers.
I'm very frustrated, and sex has become a source of some tension for me. It seems like it's so easy for everyone else to Orgasm, and I just can't. I find myself wanting to have sex less often, because my partner will orgasm, and I won't.
Can you help?
First things first--it is a myth that sex without orgasm is 'bad sex' or 'not quite there sex.' Not everyone--male or female--has orgasms ever, much less regularly. So if you're concerned about whether you fit into the box of what female sexual response should be, throw that box out the fucking window. If you enjoy sex the way you have it and you feel pleasure, you don't need to put yourself under pressure to have an orgasm.
But if you want to have an orgasm during sex, then you absolutely need to have one on your own, when you're alone, when you're not feeling pressure to produce one to validate the sex you're having with your boyfriend.
First, invest in a good vibrator (see yesterday's post) and some erotica or porn that you like. Once you get some stuff you like (if you want printed erotica, try the penthouse letters series, which you can get at any Barnes & Noble or Borders), get some time by yourself when you won't be distracted and let yourself get turned on.
In terms of physical response, you might feel some heat in your area, you might start to get wet, or you might even feel what seems like cramps around your vagina (this is the result of blood rushing to the area; it's nothing to be scared of). Use the vibrator on your clitoris and other parts of your vulva to see what feels good. Some people really like direct clitoral stimulation and some don't. Hopefully practicing with a vibrator will help you get close.
When you feel comfortable using your vibrator, try using it on your clitoris when you're having sex with your boyfriend. He can also get a cock ring that has a little vibrator on it so that you can stimulate your clit during sex without having to hold something in your hand. You can get them at the drugstore in the condom section.
So...hopefully that will help you get started.
1. buy some erotica/porn
2. buy a vibrator
3. read/watch and masturbate
*If, by any chance, you are taking certain types of antidepressants, orgasm will be virtually impossible. Read more about that here.