Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Point: Boys Have a Penis; Counterpoint: Girls Have a Vagina

"Boys Have a Penis," by Barack Obama

Hope, change, hope, change, hopechange. America!: I'm here today-uh to tell you an important truth about contemporary Americ-uh. For far too long bipartisan politics as usual in Washington have kept this hopetruth out of the hands of the American people who, as they demonstrated in South Carolina, Virginia, and some of the other small states I won, desperately want to know this truth.

Here it is.

Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.

Two hundred and twenty one years ago, in a hall that still stands across the street, a group of men gathered and, with these simple words, launched America's improbable experiment in democracy. Farmers and scholars; statesmen and patriots who had traveled across an ocean to escape tyranny and persecution finally made real their declaration of independence at a Philadelphia convention that lasted through the spring of 1787.

Every one of those men had a penis. None of them had a vagina.


"Girls Have a Vagina," by Hillary Clinton

Good afternoon, America! Isn't this the most beautiful day? I hope you're holding on to your seats, because I've got a 45 minute speech here all about healthcare reform. I'm sure many of you in the audience have struggled with your health or--for some of you--your insurance company at some point in your lives. Americans are fed up with our overblown national spending on healthcare. Our present system is outdated, ineffective, and unsustainable.

But there is good news, America. We are Americans! We can solve problems! We just need to roll up our sleeves and get to work! It's what we do best! There is one key to our success, and I'm holding it: girls have a vagina.

Yes, America, certain other candidates in this race don't want you to know--they're going on and on about delegates and superdelegates and taking the vote away from Florida and Michigan, but I will promise you today that I will never renounce my position on this issue:

Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.

That's change we can use.


Neil Sinhababu said...

If you'd like to see something that will make you feel better about the likely ascension of Barack Obama to the presidency, this is what I'd recommend.

It basically details all the good under-the-radar legislative work he did by 2006 on nonproliferation, avian flu, regulating genetic testing, and a bunch of other stuff. I still like the Clinton health care plan better, but that's really all she has going for her, while I think Obama cleans up on foreign policy and a lot of other things (energy policy, for example).

Neil Sinhababu said...

Whoops, let me make that a real link.