"There is No Condom For the Heart!!!" by Janie Fredell, co-President, True Love Revolution, Harvard University (oooh, I go to Harvard)
Look, people. I know you think you like going out on Saturday night, getting wasted, and hooking up with that guy from Chi Phi or the Krokodiles.
Maybe you even use a trusty Trojan handed out to you by Student Health Services or the Safer Sex Club. Way to go. As you know, condoms protect against pregnancy and disease. (Most of the time)
But what you might not know, dear, sweet, ladyreader, is that there is no condom for the heart.
The science on this has been suppressed by the liberal academic elite at places like Harvard, but it is a well known fact that
"Sexual activity in both men and women involves the release of powerful bonding hormones that are designed to help married couples stay together permanently and trust each other.13 Within marriage, these bonds are a cause of joy and marital harmony; but for non-married couples, such bonds can cause serious problems. When these relationships come to an end, the partners often feel a palpable sense of loss, betrayed trust, and unwelcome memories. This is information that you will rarely hear from sexual health groups that promote safe sex, because "there is no condom for the heart."14"
So you should stop having sex. It's gross anyway. Abstinence is fun!
"There is no Heartbreak for the Vagina," by Go-To Girl, sex blogger, R. Kelly expert, condom pusher
It is a well known fact that there is no condom for the heart. When I got the news about this "breakthrough" of the Medical Institute for Sexual Health, right here in Austin, I made a phone call to my favorite cardiologist/love doctor to ask him about it. Here's a selection from our long, intense, heated interview session.
Me: "Dr. Feelgood, is it true? There's no condom for the heart?"
Dr. Feelgood: "Hey baby. Don't you worry 'bout your heart. You're so pretty. There is no condom for the heart but, girl, there's no way you'll feel heartbreak in your vagina. I'll be so gentle. Semen can't even travel to your heart. The female reproductive system only has one exit."
Me: "So you're saying that there's no direct line from the uterus to the part of the heart that feels feelings?"
Dr. Feelgood: "Kitten, let's not talk. C'mere. And oxytocin affects the brain, anyway."