Saturday, March 29, 2008

Q: I think we're going to have sex for the first time. What do I bring?


Dear Go-To Girl,

I've been dating this great guy that I met on the internets and we've had a bunch of really great dates. Tomorrow night he's invited me over to his house to make me dinner and I think we're going to do it.

I definitely have to use lube and I always use condoms, so what do I bring? How many condoms will I need? Can I bring my half-empty bottle of lube (which makes it obvious that I've used the other half to have sex with someone else) or buy a new one? I have two of those little single use lubes but I'm not sure if that'll be enough.

What's the etiquette here?

Love,

Gonna Get Laid

Dear GGL,

Congratulations. Your Friday night sounds infinitely more interesting than mine. People always feel awkward about bringing condoms--here's a little rundown of what each number of condoms brought means:
One: Just in case. And if it breaks, oh well. We can play cards.

Two: You think he can do it more than once, but only twice? That's kind of a lowball, dontcha think?

Three: Yeah, girl, bring it.

Six, of all different types: Yes, I've had sex before. And with a variety you can't give a bullshit excuse about condoms "not fitting."

A whole box: What? Oh, these? I just stopped by the drugstore on the way over here. I wanted to be safe. [The subtext, of course, is that now you have 12 condoms. That's a Friday night!]


As for the lube, those single use packages are great in theory but create the classic problem with lube: you have to use two fucking hands to open the goddamn thing. And you can't close it up again and it's basically going to just get lube all over your sheets, it won't be enough, and the whole situation makes me want to cry. Once you get the lube on your hands you want to fuck. The end.

Go to the drugstore and buy a little travel-size bottle of some product (or an empty one, if they have them) that has a squeeze top--like the kind that's on a bottle of dish detergent and fill it up from your big bottle. You can open it with your teeth, you only need one hand to squeeze it where you want it, it's small, refillable, and you can close it by hitting it against your side and throw it on the floor. Voila.

So, in conclusion:
1 box condoms + 1 small, refillable bottle of lube = totally hot sex


Love,
GTG

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Possibly my favorite of all your posts.

Courtney said...

Definitely my favorite!!!