Thursday, July 30, 2009

Unexpectedly Hilarious...Vibrating Mascara

Does anybody remember those "SquigglyPens" that were popular back in the early 90s? I remember a friend of mine* getting one as a birthday present in the 6th grade and it took us girls approximately 2 seconds after turning it on and writing our names to realize that, hey, this could double as a vibrator. And how.

So imagine my delight the other night at seeing a commercial during CSI: Miami for the Newest! Most! Amazing! Mascara! Innovation! EVER!!!, the Maybelline Pulse Perfection Vibrating Mascara. 7,000 vibrations a minute! 7 different sensuous vibrating patterns to make putting on mascara the most...orgasmic experience of your morning?

Even more hilarious is the list of features they promise this mascara will provide your eyes:

1. Luscious Thickness

2. Luxurious Length

3. Smooth Separation

4. Intense Color

5. Shapely Curve

6. Healthy Luster

7. Zero Clumps

Okay. They're clearly really into using the number 7, but look at that list: it's not hard to imagine those phrases describing, I don't know, a man's particulars. Even better are the verbal instructions in the video:
"Keep the button pressed for constant vibrations...Continuing to hold the on button, place the brush at the base ... and move it toward the tips...doing what no hand can do alone." (emphasis mine)

I know that we're in a moment right now of health and beauty products that apparently are made more awesome by unnecessary vibration.* Even dude products are doing it. I am pretty old-fashioned when it comes to making products have weird features of other, unrelated products so I can't vouch for whether these razors make shaving that much more amazing or if this mascara really does make your lashes look like a drag queen's.

My chief concern is whether those who are unable to purchase real sex toys because of their age will be able to get off with these things without alerting their parents to the fact that they have secured a vibrator.

*it was totally me

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

iPhone App FAIL:
Purity Ring

From the archives of You've Got to Be Fucking Kidding Me, Island Wall Entertainment has just released an iPhone App called, I kid you not, Purity Ring. This "application" has all the ineffective, boring bells and whistles of church-based purity pledge cards, but without all that annoying standing up in front of a group of your peers and signing the paper nonsense.

You can take the pledge by merely listening to some audio on your iPhone, and then confirm that you really, really mean it. Then you receive the ultimate gift of a super classy "Timeless Digital Spinning Purity Ring" which will probably infect your iPhone long past the time you've given up your virgin ass to that guy from youth group.
From the company's press release to Christian News Wire,

"The App has a built in pledge for both [!] genders that contains a pre-recorded pledge that...Island Wall Entertainment believe[s] will compliment existing pledges and traditional Purity Rings whilst potentially reaching a completely new international demographic and spreading the word of benefits of staying pure until marriage."
What are those benefits, exactly? Oh right...

You can even send your "pledge" to that guy from youth group that you want to bang, since everyone knows that the people who really go in for this stuff are horny, unsatisfied Christian teenagers who manage to get more tail than anyone.
And in case you're wondering what other apps Island Wall Entertainment has come up with, here you go.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Sex is Magic: Or, Orgasms in Health Class?

Via the Huffington Post's Lazy Bloggers Who Apparently Can't Do Their Own Reporting, a unit of England's National Health Service has put together a brochure for parents and people who work with young people* that advises that, in addition to good nutrition and exercise, semi-regular orgasm could help maintain good health. The document was written by the Centre for HIV and Sexual Health, part of Sheffield's National Health Service office (!).

Unfortunately, the actual document in question is not available online, but the Centre offers a training for health promotion people called "Pleasure Pursuits" that promises the following:

Introducing sexual pleasure in sexual health promotion
This two-day course will provide participants with an opportunity to explore the rationale behind incorporating sexual pleasure in sexual health promotion work with:
• Young people
• Lesbian, gay and bisexual people
• People from BME communities
• Disabled people
• Gender issues
By the end of the course participants will have been given the opportunity to:
• Discuss blocks and barriers
• Identify practical strategies and exercises for addressing sexual pleasure
• Explore sexual language and early messages
• Explore physiology

The Sheffield Centre's Director, Steve Slack, had this to say in an editorial for SHINE, the organization's newsletter:
The critics of improved sex and relationships education seem to think we live in a society in which the denial of appropriate sex and relationships education will protect young people from predatory adults and abuse; a soft-focus ‘Youth-topia’ where young people will be imbued with all the knowledge, skills and experience to negotiate safe, pleasurable consensual sex the first time they engage in sexual activity; a ‘Youth-topia’ where there is a consistent and infallible ethos to ensure the rights of children which protects them from all forms of sexual, physical and emotional abuse; a ‘Youth-topia’ in which young people’s sexual awareness is only awakened when they meet their prince or princess, fall in love, marry and live happily ever after. Those days of innocence have gone – but did they ever exist? Or were children bullied and
abused as they are now, with the additional insult to their sense of selves of being gagged by society?
The comments sections of both the Times UK and the HuffPo's articles make clear that lots of people who don't know what they're talking about think that acknowledging that teenagers can have pleasaurable sexual experiences is bad. But one thing this NHS office does understand is how to get people's attention on health issues that most people would rather avoid: they also publish the surely un-put-downable "Start Talking Balls: Information and Advice on Testicular Cancer."

Maybe I should move to England...these seem like my people.

*not for the kids themselves, as both HuffPo and the Times UK say. This appears to be a case of lazy reporting, wherein bloggers repost stuff from other news sources without bothering to do any reporting like, you know, looking at the actual website of the organization in question. The actual description, from the NHS website, is this: "Why and how to raise the issue of sexual pleasure in sexual health work with young people. An innovative new booklet is for those who work with young people and looks at why raising the issue of sexual pleasure in this work contributes to positive health outcomes. It also gives tips and ideas on how to raise the issue with groups of young people and individuals."

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Dr. Ruth's Sex Advice for Single Women

Dr. Ruth's Sex Advice for Single Women

Shared via AddThis

First of all, I'm so glad that after the last few weeks of celebrity death after celebrity death, Dr. Ruth is still alive and kicking. Secondly, I love that she promotes vibrators for older women whose husbands may predecease them.

However, I have to quibble with her statement that if you can't come without a vibrator, you have a problem: if you can come at all, you don't have a problem. If you have a partner who gets pissy if you come with a vibrator, your partner has a problem.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Buy these condoms. No, really.

It's been a long time since the last time I directed readers to purchase condoms (Kimono Type E, I still love you). But if you're in the market for condoms (and I hope you are), you need to try Crown. They're Japanese, they're even thinner than Kimonos, and they're tinted pink so they blend into the skin pretty well. I'm serious--go buy some and use them on a penis near you.