Friday, October 30, 2009

DON'T: Choking while Masturbating

Tonight is a quiet night at home for me, as Fridays often are, so imagine my thrill at turning on Law and Order to find a treasure trove of awesome:
  • a dude who dies from auto-erotic asphyxiation (AEA)!
  • the dude from "Clueless" who plays the detective! (not new, but still so cute)
  • Ernie Hudson, Winston from "Ghostbusters," playing S. Epatha Merkerson's husband!
  • Rob Corddry as the head of "" which is perpetrating "corrective social action" against people who drive while texting!
For those who don't know, AEA is when people--either when masturbating or during sex with a partner--cut off their air supply to intensify orgasms. INXS frontman Michael Hutchense famously died of it, and every so often the media runs scary stories about how this sex act could KILL YOU!!

AEA has been cropping up all over the place this summer and Dan Savage talks about it regularly on the podcast as a total don't. Unfortunately, the episode doesn't follow up on the jerking off/choking death scenario.

Anyway, between the hot L & O and the first disc of the last season of "The L Word" it's looking like a good night!


Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Vampire Blow Jobs!

Really! Via Perez Hilton (thanks, K!) my pals over at Fleshlight have come up with a new product for the gay, vampire loving set: Count Cockula.

Apparently Fleshlight is working to help out some of those guys who have what Dan Savage calls "impossible fetishes," like wanting to have sex with a giant woman, or a centaur, or, apparently, a vampire. There's even a photo gallery to get your blood pumping (har har) over the hot, vampire fantasy.

Not a gay guy? Don't worry--there's a vampire toy for you too, called Succu Dry. From the product description:
Succu Dry’s unique Vampire mouth opening isn’t for the faint of heart. This exclusive Undead pale sleeve color is made from the same patented Real Feel Super Skin material that’s made Fleshlight the #1 selling male sex toy in the world. The amazingly detailed vampire mouth and fangs beg you to drive your wooden stake deep inside. To ensure an experience all its own, Fleshlight developed a brand new inner texture for the Succu Dry called “The Fang.” This intensely stimulating texture has dozens of tiny fangs that will gently bite at you until you’re drained of every last drop. Quench your lust and prepare for the ultimate vampire fantasy, but beware, this can will suck you dry!
Yikes. For the bargain price of $44.95, Succu Dry or Count Cockula can be yours.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Levi Johnston Naked for Playgirl:
Wait, Playgirl Still Exists?

Levi Johnston will do full frontal nudity for Playgirl.

So says Page Six. Unfortunately for those who might like to purchase a commemorative copy of the magazine, Playgirl's print edition folded last year and now only appears online.

Hopefully an explanation of how to avoid getting the Republican Vice Presidential candidate's daughter knocked up will accompany the photo spread (hint: use condoms, idiot).

Monday, October 26, 2009

Texas Travesty:
Inspired by Me!

OMG I'm so flattered! The Texas Travesty, UT's hilarious humor newspaper, wrote to me and said they were thinking of me when they wrote this hilarious article:

Do you girls want to go clubbing and talk about the side effects of this new birth control pill?

By Lauren Patterson

Hey ladies! I’m so glad we finally got a chance to have a night out on the town without our boyfriends. Don’t get me wrong…Brad’s a great guy and I totally love him and everything, but I just need a little time for my girls and a few rounds of Cosmos. Lately, I’ve been in such a bad mood around Brad. I thought I was just PMS-ing really badly, so I asked my doctor about it. She prescribed this great new birth control pill called Uteraz.

Uteraz is a new kind of birth control pill that may increase potassium levels, so don’t take Uteraz if you have kidney, liver, or adrenal disease, as this may—I said, DON’T TAKE UTERAZ IF YOU HAVE KIDNEY, LIVER OR ADRENAL DISEASE AS THIS MAY CAUSE SERIOUS HEART AND HEALTH PROBLEMS. ALSO, SWELLING OR TENDERNESS OF THE BREASTS MAY OCCUR. (read the rest here)

This Just In:
Baseball Cheating Scandal!

Phillips and his former lady friend, Brooke Hundley (photo credit)

Another Sunday night baseball game (goddammit, Angels, seriously), another television host ousted over infidelity. Steve Phillips, previous GM of the Mets and now the former host of Sunday Night Baseball for ESPN, has been fired after it came to light that he had an affair with the 22 year-old production assistant pictured above.

This isn't the first time Phillips has had affairs:
When Phillips was the general manager of the Mets, he was forced to take a leave of absence in 1998 because of a series of affairs and an accusation of sexual harassment by a Mets employee. He entered counseling and returned to the Mets, but was eventually fired in 2003.
Furthermore, Phillips is apparently "admitting himself to an inpatient treatment facility to address his personal issues." I think his "personal issues" are going to include being harassed by his crazy former love interest, who sent this threatening letter to Phillips' wife. This is my favorite part:
I was raised Catholic too and while I know our faith dissuades divorce, it also respects it with regards to infidelity because people should have the opportunity to be with whomever makes them happy and can give them what they need.
Um, I wasn't raised Catholic (praise be to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit) but I'm pretty sure she's completely nuts on this score. I wish we could know what kind of treatment facility treats half-sorry middle-aged cheaters.

Ironically, Phillips never seemed to imagine he'd be successful at ESPN. When he was named to join the cast of Sunday Night Baseball, he had this to say:
I honestly didn't think I'd be able to make a career of this," says Phillips, who joined ESPN in 2004 and expected he'd be replaced by a more "sexy name.
And how.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Savage Lovecast,
Featuring Yours Truly

Holy Shit I'm on the Savage Love Podcast! I come on about 1/3 of the way through. Sorry to disappoint though, I'm not asking a question about myself.


Sunday, October 18, 2009

A Multivitamin for Your Dick:
Cialis for Daily Use

Imagine my surprise last night while watching the American League Championship Series to see, mixed in with the commercials for Ford Truck Month, Chevy Truck Month, GMC Truck Month and ads for the insanely titled "Ninja Assassin" (which, the first time they showed it onscreen during the baseball game, I assumed was the name of a new Nissan truck) a commercial for Cialis FOR DAILY USE.

Apparently 36 hours of delicious boner time isn't enough for these greedy middle aged men. They want to be able to have sex whenever they feel like it. Well, lucky for them the geniuses over at Lilly have come up with a solution: Cialis for daily use. It's like a multivitamin--for your dick!

graph from Cialis for Healthcare Providers

As in take a pill every single day for erectile dysfunction. The helpful graph above, from Cialis' website for healthcare providers, shows you the percent of intercourse attempts that were "successful" for ED patients using Cialis for daily use, but it doesn't tell you how many times they attempted to have sex. Or what "successful" means beyond "cock got hard."

Cialis' selling point over Levitra and Viagra has been that it lasts for 36 hours, so you can take it and have from Friday night to Sunday morning to have "successful" sex. None of that four hour window stuff you get with Viagra. Taking this pill every day sounds suspiciously like a way for Lilly, Cialis' manufacturer, to just sell the same medication with a new label and continue to get insurance companies to pay them tons of cash.

Mind you that Cialis for "occasional" use comes in two doses: 10mg and 20mg. The higher dose pills run about $16 apiece and the 2.5mg and 5mg pills, those indicated for daily use, are $133.97 for 30 pills, about a month's worth. The cost breakdown works like this: If you have sex, say, twice a week using the higher dose of Cialis, that's gonna run you $128. Sex twice a week is about average for the non-ED population so I have a hard time believing that taking Cialis every day is going to result in significantly more sex than that which means that this drug is meeting a psychological need--a man's desire not to have to "medicate" himself to have sex "successfully."

While I really sympathize with the guys who have a hard time getting it up as they age--really, as a man, what else do you have to do?--the prospect of taking a medication every single day so that you can have more sex than, let's be honest, you're actually going to have seems pretty ridiculous.

But boners are priceless.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Coming to America:
Cougar Utopia!

photo credit

The Style section of the New York Times is always on the prowl for the latest and greatest in social "trends" which, more often than not, are evidenced by a few friends of the writer doing something and the writer declaring a national movement.

Such is the case with Thursday's piece attempting to humanize cougars, or older women who pursue younger men. CSI: Miami also recently ran an episode that highlighted rich women who threw parties for younger guys; in this episode, the jealous (and cheating himself, of course) husband of the cougar-ringleader kills a bunch of scrumptuous college volleyball players through typically complex CSI: Miami methods, in this case a golf club tied to the top of a lifeguard stand that created an electrical charge in the sand volleyball court through some kind of blue crystals that conducted electricity up through the players' bare feet.

Those cougars! Causing death and destruction wherever they go to satisfy their desperate, feline need for sex!

On a serious note, though, whether there is a "national trend" of older women going for younger guys or not, many researchers (including my pal Mark Regnerus, of "younger marriage is A-ok fame") are concerned about the game-changing implications of higher numbers of educated, high-earning women who don't actually need a man to take care of them anymore.

Frankly, I think it stands to reason that if a woman doesn't need a man for financial support and knows full well that she'll have to take care of a man regardless of his age, why not go for someone young? If the woman wants to have children, the genetic material of a younger guy is going to be stronger and the man more, you know, pliable.

The article says:

Economics is also a key factor. Both women and men, particularly as the wage gap has narrowed, are growing more comfortable with the possibility that she is the higher earner, sociologists say. And while she may not want to take a slacker under her wing, she is less likely to be focused on the status of her partner than women of previous generations.

Same-age men are usually intimidated by women who are more well educated and earn more money so it totally makes sense that women would go for younger men, who are enamored with older women's confidence, success, and ability to say "do this, not that" which women their own age may not be comfortable doing. Maybe it's a Mrs. Robinson fetish that only a few women (and young men) share, but it seems a reasonable strategy to respond to society's gender role card shuffling.

And, really, if it adds up to more hot sex for more people, who's complaining?

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Trojan Videos: Finally Getting it Together

As an alumnae of Trojan, I'm so pleased to see that they've finally given up on the too-serious tone they took with the "1 in 4" campaign and the weird, not quite right message of the "Evolve" pigs ads.

For those who don't remember, 1 in 4 featured a lovey-dovey couple standing on a train platform, sharing iPod headphones, with text that said "1 in 4 people don't tell their partners that they have an STD. Not because they don't care, because they don't know. Use a condom."

Yeah...not quite the right message.

Evolve missed the mark because, a) using a condom and not being a pig do not, unfortunately, always go together and b) the dude with the condom doesn't even kiss the girl at the end of the commercial. You've gotta connect the dots for people in these commercials by conveying, very clearly, "If you use our product you will get laid [more]."

I love the ad below because the guy shows up with the condoms and he gets the fuck laid. That is what Trojan needs to focus on in their commercials: condoms lead to fucking and, therefore, not having condoms leads to not getting fucked. It's taken 3 years for Trojan to take the advice I gave them on the original storyboards for the "Evolve" pigs ad, which was "he needs to get the girl at the end."

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Annals of Awesome:
Ovulating Strippers Make More Money

Hormone levels in (a) are for women not taking the pill; (b) is for women taking the pill. The spike in green represents a spike in Leutenizing Hormone (LH), which in turn causes an increase in androgens that heighten sexual desire around ovulation in normally cycling women. No LH surge, no increase in sex drive.

The big news story of the feminist blogs this morning is another article*, this time in Trends in Ecology and Evolution, providing more evidence that the pill is bad. We here at Go-To Girl HQ have access to the full texts of scholarly journals and Julie Sunday makes it a habit to always read the entire article that the bloggers are all jammed up about. The headliner finding of this article first appeared in the UK's Daily Mail and is this: women on the pill are attracted to more "boyish" features in men.

Women who are not on the pill lust after more "manly" guys during oestrus because they are (in theory, anyway) better sources of genetic material for reproduction. The "boyish" dudes make better husbands, which explains why women like them more the rest of the month, because you would want to have a guy like that around to change diapers, help with the laundry, and go feed the baby in the middle of the night.

This morning's coverage also provides further evidence to my theory that most bloggers and journalists** only read the abstracts of scholarly works, because this article presents something I've never heard before and that nobody picked up on in the news coverage:

strippers who are not taking the pill report an increase in lapdance revenue around ovulation whereas pill-taking strippers (who are thus not ovulating) do not see a spike in their revenue and earn less throughout the cycle. No, really.

The solid line represents dollars per shift earned by strippers not taking the pill; the dotted line is earnings by pill-using dancers.

The stripper finding is interesting because it supports previous research showing that men find women more attractive during oestrus than the rest of the cycle, and therefore women who are not ovulating at all because they're taking the pill are less attractive to men overall.

Snap! Just get a ParaGard already.

*Alvergne, Alexandra and Lummaa, Virpi. "Does the contraceptive pill alter mate choice in humans?" Trends in Ecology and Evolution. In press. (available in the 11/09 online edition, if you have access via a library)

**see Feministing's piece here and Feministe's here

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Solution to a Non-Problem:
The Sensis Condom

For the record, putting on condoms is easy. It's about as easy as putting on a seatbelt. And just like putting on a seatbelt, somebody (usually your mom) shows you how to do it once and you don't fucking forget. And no matter what kind of car you're driving, virtually every seatbelt works exactly the same way--you put the damn metal thing into the clicker and voila! You probably won't die in a car accident.

So when I first heard about the new Sensis condom (well, I heard about it when it was in development and said "Surely no one will ever bring this product to market because it is STUPID") was when a reporter for the Daily Texan called me up to ask my opinion on it.

I teach people how to use condoms every day. My program distributes upwards of 60,000 condoms each year, every single one of them wrapped in a lil envelope with instructions on how to use a condom. I'm certain no one ever reads the instructions, because USING A CONDOM IS EASY:

Step 1: Put on condom

Step 2: Have sex

Step 3: Repeat as necessary

The Sensis condom has two pieces of what feels like unsticky tape rolled up with the condom and, in theory, you're supposed to pull them instead of rolling the condom all the way down your [partner's] hard cock like a normal person. I have never--truly not once--encountered someone who didn't know or couldn't figure out that a condom is rolled up because YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO UNROLL IT.

The one thing Sensis has going for it is the cool sex line drawing screen saver you can download from their website. But does anyone even use screensavers anymore?

For what it's worth, Dr. Laura Berman is being paid to say they're good.

Friday, October 02, 2009

Guess who's a Nationally
Recognized* SexPert?

Nationally recognized sexpert [Julie Sunday], who attended Scripps for a year before transferring out, recounted campus dating and sex experiences similar to our experience today. Pomona and CMC guys were appealing hookups, “but if you
wanted a boyfriend, Mudd was the place to look,” she said. Now a sexual health facilitator at the University of Texas at Austin, [Sunday] was inspired by Bolton’s “Human Sexuality” course to pursue advanced studies in the subject.

*I should note that one of the writers of this article participated in my workshop a few years ago and may be slightly inflating my stature. Thanks, Julia!