Monday, March 29, 2010
Some of you may know that I've transitioned to a new blog called "How to Have Sex in Texas." I hope you'll check it out! You can still email me with questions for Go-To Girl at email@example.com. You can also follow me on Twitter @missjuliesunday.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Tracy Morgan apparently has a pregnant woman fetish--and a desire to have his ass kicked by R. Kelly because he and Jimmy Kimmel have collaborated on "Impregn8ed," a clear mockery of "Pregnant" and T-Pain's autotune stylings. This aggression cannot stand, man.
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
A blockbuster of a story came out last week in the Texas Observer about a radical Christian terrorist group, Repent Amarillo, that has successfully shut down a swinger's club and is on the warpath to do more damage to anyone not considered a member of God's "Special Forces."
Repent Amarillo is comprised of two groups blended together, working together, to compliment and support one another for the purpose of spiritual warfare. They are;
1. Intercessory prayer group...
2. The Soldier group. The soldier group will consist of warriors dedicated to witnessing to groups of unbelievers or one-on-one witnessing. This group will be more visible to the public and will be comprised of bold believers willing to confront the world. This group will be schooled in the “Way of the Master” method of witnessing to the lost. This group will be the ones who plant God’s seeds in the ground that has been prepared by the intercessory prayer group. Believers who participate in this group will have to be bold but loving. Confrontational but composed. The individual members of these two groups are allowed and highly encouraged to move between the two groups based on the individual’s calling and the unique mission involved. In other words, no one is stuck to only one group. Soldiers can pray and intercessory members can witness.
Repent Amarillo's "Prayer Map" of objectionable churches, parks, and businesses
1. Gay pride events.
2. Earth worship events such as “Earth Day”
3. Pro-abortion events or places such as Planned Parenthood
4. Breast cancer events such as “Race for the Cure” to illuminate the link between abortion and breast cancer.
5. Opening day of public schools to reach out to students.
6. Spring break events.
7. Demonically based concerts.
8. Halloween events.
9. Other events that may arise that the ministry feels called to confront.
1. Sexually oriented businesses such as pornography shops, strip joints, and XXX-rated theaters.That doesn't leave much to do in Amarillo except for...church. But not St. Andrew's Episcopal Church, which is described thusly on their "warfare map":
2. Idolatry locations such as palm readers, false religions, and witchcraft. Many of the smaller missions listed above may be just prayer oriented missions for tearing down demonic strongholds or they may involve more aggressive use of soldiers and prayer warriors.
Referred to on OUTstanding Amarillo's ( Homosexual activists) website as a "gay friendly" church. In other words, they do not tell homosexuals who attend this church that they must repent of the sin of homosexuality. This a serious violation of scripture.And not First Church of Christ, Scientist, the Unitarian Church, the First Church of Practical Christianity, the Metropolitan Community Church, or the Islamic Center of Amarillo. They don't even like the Masons.
Monday, March 01, 2010
The Texas Primaries: Queerer than a... ROT $3 bill?
The Austin-American Statesman reported Sunday that both major Republican candidates for guv'na in Texas, epic asshat Rick Perry and "I am pro-life, I de-clayire!" Kay Bailey Hutchison, attended a fundraiser for the Prestonwood [crisis] Pregnancy Center in Dallas yesterday honoring the decade's finest Texas douchebag, George W. Bush.
According to an outline of his remarks provided before the benefit, Perry said, "I feel like I am in the garrison of an army that has devoted itself to the defense of the unborn."
His remarks also thanked Bush. "There is no way to tell how many lives were protected by your fearless pro-life efforts," Perry's speech said.
Hmm...is that army also prepared to, I dunno, secede from the United States, Governor Perry? And equal time for Hutchison, who went to services yesterday at Lakewood with my secret church crush Joel Osteen:
Hutchison has voiced support for Roe v. Wade, but she has sought to find common ground with its opponents in other ways.
In a mailing she sent to some voters, Hutchison touted her high lifetime rating from National Right to Life and votes against federal funding of abortion and against the late-term procedure known as partial-birth abortion.
The primary is officially tomorrow (Texas Independence Day!) so it's your last chance to vote for KBH and ruin Perry's chances of further fucking up Texas.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Doggy-Style Height Disparity? Heads down, pencils up. (Cosmo)
I love getting fucked from behind, it's my all time fav position. Problem is, I'm 5 feet tall and my current partner is pushing 6 feet. So unless there's something (a bench or bed at perfect height for example) for me to "prop" myself up on, we find it hard to make it happen. We love switching up location as much as possible so we don't always have the right equipment. Any advice???
Aren't you lucky that there is a manufacturer making products designed for this type of dilemma: Liberator. The Ramp is designed for just your purpose--and it can be used for other positions to boot. Check out the extensive videos on the website if you need some inspiration. At $145 it's pricey for a pillow, but a good investment for a petite lady who likes it from behind.
If you don't have that much cash to blow on a piece of sex furniture, you may just need to get creative in your locations: find shelves, chairs, high heels, phone books, end tables, desks, counters, and more to get your legs to be as long as your boyfriend's.
Additionally, there are other ways to have sex from behind besides standing up; you can put your head on the floor, on the bed, on the desk, the stairs, whatever happens to be available. Give it a shot. And this one, too. And in case you like a little dose of Disney in your lovin:
The "Magic Mountain" (Cosmo)
You can get the sensation of sex from behind at a variety of angles--remember also that you can sit on top of your man, facing his feet, and whatever he's hitting inside you from behind will get stimulated that way as well.
In case none of these tricks work, here's Cosmo's best advice for attracting hot dudes "like crazy"--maybe you can find someone closer to your own height.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
A new study by researchers at the Kinsey Institute has blown the lid off of a big secret: many men find condoms uncomfortable and among those who report a "bad fit," errors are significantly more common. The study has gotten tons of media coverage by people who, as usual, only read the abstract.
The outcomes that were significantly more likely with "ill fit" were:
- difficulty orgasming (both partners)
- irratated the penis
- reduced pleasure (both partners)
- interference with erection
- lost erection
- gave up and removed condom
- condom dried out during sex
How to fix these problems? The researchers suggest that
"men and their female sex partners may benefit from public health efforts designed to promote the improved fit of condoms." (p. 37)I couldn't agree more! That has got to be the best job in public health since, well, my job. Where do I apply?
Seriously though, the most interesting thing from this paper was the following quote: "
Although "fit" may be very important to men, the effect of ill-fitting condoms on penile erection and on the experience of penile-vaginal sex has not previously been investigated." (p. 36)Jesus H ! If I've said it once I've said it a million times: when you do research and design products and programs you must consider the essential question:
What about the fucking?
If your intervention interferes with the sexual pleasure of the people you hope will use it then your intervention/product/program will fail. I'm glad the Kinsey Institute is finally starting to realize that sexual pleasure is significantly related to the likelihood people will change their behavior when, you know, they're having sex.
If you need a bigger condom, go find one. But don't think the Magnum is the only option--it may be huge (and I do love the gold wrapper) but it is thick as a damn paper bag and nobody feels anything through them. Try Crown instead.
You can see the abstract here.
Friday, February 12, 2010
But this latest set of ads, as featured on the Sexist, are kind of obnoxious.
Haha, a man's brain is in his penis, and haha, when they're getting a blowjob the rest of their body systems read "FATAL ERROR." I get it. I wont' argue with the fatal error part, but I think it's a stretch to claim that wisdom, intelligence, judgment, and knowledge ever come out of the penis, even during the best of blow jobs.
I know Durex is trying to demonstrate how the fruity flavor of their condoms will overwhelm the senses of the blowjob-giver but wouldn't it be more specific, like "strawberry" or "banana"? I don't often eat a piece of fruit and think..."Mmm....fruit."
Also: "satisfied...contented...happy...pleased"? Really? I think a woman might feel that way after the blowjob is over but during? I doubt it.
This is more like it:
Monday, February 08, 2010
The anal douche from Babeland
I'm seeing this guy who is really into anal, which I've really never done before. He's squeamish, though (kind of ironic) and wants me to, basically, give myself frequent enemas. I know that the colon is a pretty delicate ecosystem, and I'm concerned about ending up with IBS or something horrible like that. Is there something I can use that'll get the job done without damaging my intestines? Is it even reasonable for him to ask me to do this more than every couple weeks?Again, thanks so much. I've talked to a bunch of my friends about this and they really don't know what to tell me.
Is your boyfriend actually into anal or is he just butt-curious? Because most people, once they get over their initial foray or two into backdoor action they realize that anal play is not really that messy and enemas aren't necessary.
Tristan Taormino, the authoritative expert on anal sex for women, says that enemas aren't necessary for relatively clean anal sex. She says "a nice warm and soapy shower or bath and a bowel movement before anal sex gets [you] pretty clean."
A lot of anal sex newbies are nervous about what they might find down there but you can assuage your fears by incorporating anal play into masturbation a few times to give yourself a sense of what your rectum is like on an average day. That will give you some insight into how you feel about having something in your anus and also make you more able to check-in with your body when butt play is on the table with you and your partner. I'd also highly recommend using a butt plug for a while before acutally trying anal sex with your guy's penis--there is a world of difference between, say, one finger and a grown man's cock.
If you decide that you do want to do enemas (or if your boyfriend absolutely insists on it), here's Tristan's advice:
If you're having an enema in preparation for anal sex, you should do it at least 2-3 hours prior to the sex to give your body a chance to reabsorb water and recover. Contrary to my little story about the thirteen enemas, it's not a good idea to have enemas too frequently. They tend to stress out your rectum and too much of this evacuation can really throw your rectum, bowels and gastrointestinal tract off balance.At first, you probably also want to do an anal douche, not a real enema. An anal douche just rinses out the rectum whereas an enema actually goes up into the colon. Babeland sells a high quality anal douche for just $20 (see picture above). A real enema kit (which has a big rubber bag, tubing, and more) can be purchased at drugstore.com.
Another possibility is that your boyfriend is actually into enemas themselves, which is something you'll definitely want to explore further on Tristan's site. Don't start doing frequent, serious enemas without reading up.
Tristan's book The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women is a must and it has a whole chapter on enemas. I highly recommend buying it along with a good butt plug and some thick lube.
PS-You can read my classic article, "10 Steps to a Successful Anal Encounter," here.
Thursday, February 04, 2010
The cure for what ails you: the condom pocket boxer.
Dear Ms. Sunday,
I had an interesting week. I met a woman online and went out for drinks with her. We hit it off just fine and had sex into the wee hours. I wasn't prepared for it, condom-wise, mostly because I didn't think it would get that far on a second date. We were ready to go for round two, and she informed me that she did not have another condom. She informed me that she was clean and had an IUD so pregnancy seemed out of range. She told me she had been tested after her last sexual partner and was good to go.
I couldn't let myself have unprotected sex with someone I had just met. It ended up fine because she rummaged around and found a condom. Now, I'm not looking for a pat on the head for being responsible or a wag of the finger for not doing my male duty and having my own protection (I'll be ready next time). I am wondering how do you decide when/if to have unprotected sex with someone?
Also, what about oral sex? I've never been given oral with a condom on, nor have I ever gone down on a woman using a dental dam, yet these 'naked' activities seem to be just as risky. Why does it feel differently in my mind, and should it?
If I had a dollar for every guy who told me "Nah, I didn't use a condom because she was on the pill/ring/IUD/her period/whatever" I would be rich enough to buy them all Valtrex. When I talk to college students about using condoms, I always tell them that the first step to successful condom use is having a fucking condom. And better yet, have two or three, because what if one breaks and, really, who only wants to have sex once?
Since I have approximately 1,500 condoms laying around my apartment I can't imagine what it's like to really only have just one condom--what a terrible thought. If I were you, I would get a few dozen condoms and distribute them to all of your wallets, backpacks, man-purses, tighty-whities, and whatever else you regularly wear that has pockets just in case. When someone is playing with your junk, you're in a state I like to call under the fuckluence and your judgment is severely impaired by your body's desire for sex.
Maybe this woman really did get a negative test recently and is totally clean and if she really does have an IUD, she's at insanely low risk of pregnancy but on a second date, that's a lot of "if"s to be fucking under. Too many ifs, in my opinon, for a second date.
As far as oral sex goes, nobody actually uses condoms or dental dams. We sex educators tell people that they should but I have literally never met anyone who will cop to using either one for going down. Is that risky? You bet--every woman I know who has genital herpes got it from a dude who had cold sores on his mouth. So you're right that there is risk there but, for some reason, in our culture latex does not go in the mouth.
In sum, when negotiating condomless sex with a new partner, there are three things that need to be dealt with: STI risk, pregnancy prevention method, and "what if pregnancy?" STI risk can be assessed with testing and treatment, birth control method is relatively straightforward (but you have to be sure that, if she's in charge of it, that she's using it correctly), and the pregnancy conversation is key--if you are 100% sure you don't want to have a child with this person and she is 100% sure she couldn't have an abortion, you may need to reconsider. Or look forward to 2028.
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Sorry for the boring image of the suction handle but the rest of the photos were totally NSFW.
I've been meaning to check out Sex Is, the new sex mag published by the webstore Eden Fantasys. I got the first issue wrapped up with the latest Bust and finally got around to reading it yesterday. In the web version of the mag is an interview with Tom Stewart, founder of Sportsheets, maker of a wide variety of totally awesome products.
Sportsheets had me at Velvet Harness and I've recommended their Under the Bed Restraints to several people and even purchased them as a wedding gift (Hi J & B!).
After solving the age old problems of "I'm not into rope bondage but I want to restrain my partner" and "I want to strap on but I'm not into leather" the retired Marine and Navy Commander turned his attention to the tremendous obstacle that is sex in the shower. Who hasn't broken a soapdish or been disappointed to learn that, unlike frogs, human hands do not stick to wet surfaces?
I haven't seen the new Sex in the Shower line in person but I'm intrigued. Stewart has a sense of humor about his work, too:
"Have you had sex in the shower?” “How successful have you been at having satisfying sex in the shower?” I can answer these questions for you because the answers are universal – YES and NOT VERY. Yes, because 85% of all people surveyed have had sex in the shower and less than 5% of them rated it successful."
So true. Sportsheets has devised methods to avoid breaking your soapdish or faucet by trying to prop up a leg on it: they've made suction cup handles and foot rests. Genius!
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
File this under You've got to be fucking kidding me: This week's hulabaloo about a supposedly effective abstinence program demonstrates, yet again, how loath reporters are to read beyond an article abstract. I can't believe that after the Guttmacher data came out last week about the increase in teen pregnancy during the Bush years that anyone is even still fucking testing abstinence programs.
But I digress. Researchers at Penn and the University of Waterloo (Canada) this week published an article in the Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine demonstrating the middling effectiveness of a:
"theory-based abstinence-only intervention that would not meet federal criteria for abstinence programs and that is not vulnerable to many criticisms that have been leveled against interventions that meet federal criteria." (pg. 158)
What was so good about it that it wouldn't meet the brain-exploding federal guidelines? It didn't moralize about how sex will make God hate you and did not disparage the use of condoms (or, presumably, talk about how condoms don't protect your heart).
Perpetual fuddy duddy Sarah Brown, president of the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, had this to say:
"This new study is game-changing. For the first time, there is strong evidence that an abstinence-only intervention can help very young teens delay sex."Memo to Sarah Brown: All teens are "delaying" sex. Until they have it, that is.
The study randomized more than 600 African American 6th and 7th graders into 5 different intervention groups, two of which were "comprehensive" in their approach, one of which focused only on condom use, one which was abstinence-only, and a control group that focused on other, nonsexual health behaviors.
In short, teens who were in the abstinence-only group were the least likely to have initiated sex in the 24 month follow up period. Of the participants in the safer sex only group, 52% had initiated sex at the end; 33% of the abstinence-only had debuted. Forty two percent of those in the "comprehensive" groups initiated sex by the end. (p. 156) A heartening finding, though, is that roughly 75% of those who had had sex across all intervention groups used condoms consistently. So, that's good news. (ibid)
Since the study's design was a randomized, control trial, in theory it meets the "gold standard" of public health research. However, the length of the programs (4 hours on 2 or 3 Saturdays, for a total of 8 or 12 hours) raises questions about their longer term efficacy: the most effective prengancy prevention programs are years long, after school type interventions that really keep their hooks in teens for a long time.
Study participants were young--6th and 7th graders--and all African American, so the population isn't generalizable. Also, while participants were followed for 24 months following the intervention, the majority of teens don't initiate sex until after 9th grade, which would have been the latest participants would have been followed. The study authors say:
"Unlike many risk behaviors (eg, cigarette smoking, drug use), sexual intercourse is an age-graded behavior; the expectation is that people will eventually have sexual intercourse." (p. 153)Or, as I am wont to say, teen virginity is like the Titanic: it's going down. Considering the inconsistency which teens may have access to sex, I think the best abstinence vs. comprehensive trial is going to incorporate educational interventions followed by guaranteed access to sex which study participants will either accept or abstain from. I'm not sure how else we could really measure the success of these interventions because some people are, you know, circumstantially abstinent and not avoiding sex by choice. Such teens inflate the success rate of abstinence programs by virtue of their social awkwardness, not because of any effectiveness of the program per se.
I also question the ethical nature of research that discusses STIs, particularly HIV, and fails to provide information to participants about how to prevent infection. That seems a clear violation of the ethical obligation of medical researchers to, at a minimum, provide the currently accepted standard treatment to all participants**.
The researchers say:
The only "efficatious HIV/STI risk reduction" method that I know of is USING FUCKING CONDOMS. Teaching teenagers about STIs/HIV and failing to teach them about condoms seems like a clear violation of ethics. Just sayin'.
"The ideal abstinence intervention would incorporate principles of efficatious HIV/STI risk reduction behavioral interventions." (p. 153)
**Remember Tuskeegee? That was another "study" that enrolled only African American participants and declined to offer them any treatment or prevention just to see what would happen in late stage, untreated syphilis. (Results: it eats your brain) At the time, penicillin was known to cure syphilis and was already in use. After the public outcry when the study came to light in 1972, the Tuskeegee Experiment was the impetus for Institutional Review Boards and ethical standards in human subjects research that mandate that the standard treatment be given to everyone.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
See how scary teen pregnancy is? It's like Texas Chainsaw Massacre. But it lasts for 18 YEARS.
(The above PSA is from the totally legit Milwaukee-area organization Baby Can Wait which is a program of the United Way of Greater Milwaukee. Their PSA is terrifying but the website is full of actual real information and even provides links to stuff teenager actually need--like legitimate health service providers.)
Sunday, January 17, 2010
The Babeland Silver Bullet
I am having a bit of a dilemma. The girl that I am currently with wants to get a vibrator. I am supportive of the idea but I have some concerns, mostly with the size of the toy. I am worried that if the toy is large it will change the quality of the sex on my side especially because she is a rather small girl.
The purpose of the toy would not be for everyday use but more for those "I need it now" moments. Do you have any recommendations on toys that will provide her with what she is looking for with out causing a noticeable change for me?
The "will my girlfriend's vibrator make my dick seem like a baby carrot?" question comes up a lot, and I promise you that no guy I've ever heard of has actually been replaced by a sex toy. Penises don't vibrate, it's true, but vibrators don't have boyfriends attached to them. So don't worry about her preferring her new gadget to yours.
That said, your concern about whether the toy's size will change sex for you (presumably because a big toy could stretch her out) is valid. And no, it won't. Remember, vaginas are designed to accommodate human babies, and not even the most epic size queen wants a sex toy that big.
You don't say if your girlfriend wants a vibrator to use during sex or if she wants one to use when you're not around, but I think a great introductory toy is the bullet. They come in all kinds of varieties, but the basic Silver Bullet costs $15, takes 2 AA batteries, and is perfect for handheld clitoral stimulation either alone or with a partner.
The new Sqweel from Babeland
If your girlfriend is after a totally different form of stimulation, the Sqweel is brand new from Babeland. It's a handheld "wheel" made up of little tongues to simulate oral sex. Probably a little awkward to use during sex but great for those "I need it now" moments she's having. At $59, Sqweel is an affordable way to get a totally novel form of pleasure.
The Delight from Fun Factory
For penetration, the Delight provides vibration, silicone texture, and G-spot stimulation. Plus it's really pretty. Oh, and it's rechargeable, which means there won't be any "I need it now...but I'm all out of batteries" moments. On sale for $99 at Babeland, Delight is pricey for a first timer but Fun Factory toys are high quality and Delight is a great investment. Not having to buy batteries will totally make it pay for itself.
PS-This is just a little aside to all the guys out there who have this concern: everyone, even your girlfriend, has the right to a solo sex life. For the vast majority of people, masturbation is a completely distinct form of pleasure that won't reduce their desire for their partner. Women who masturbate frequently have been shown to have more orgasms, want sex more with their partners, and be more in touch with what works for them sexually, all of which are good for you, the boyfriend. So everybody wins. That said, if your girlfriend (or wife, or whatever) wants to get a vibrator, it's not really any of your business. Unless you're buying, I'd advise you to sit back and enjoy the ride.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Internal anatomy with G Spot labeled. (credit)
Surely by now everyone has heard the latest gold nugget of research to come out of the UK, which tells us that the G Spot doesn't exist. Or, more accurately, they can't prove that it exists. Nevermind that their research methods didn't include any physiological measurement of any kind, just a mail survey in which they asked women to say whether or not they thought they had a G Spot based on the researcher's definition, and then tell them what kind of orgasms they were having.
The debate over whether the G Spot exists is fundamentally flawed for a number of reasons, but I object to it primarily because there is little reason to believe that some magic pleasure center exists in some women's bodies and not others. My money is on the so-called G Spot actually being the bottom of the urethral sponge, which is why some women find sex with a full bladder intensely pleasurable. Much like a butt plug, a full bladder will take up space inside the pelvis and make any penetration--with a dildo, a penis, fingers, whatever--tighter and different. Some women like it, some women don't. But when you familiarize yourself with internal female anatomy, the idea that there is some magical tissue called the G Spot becomes less and less realistic. What is being stimulated is most likely the bottom of the bladder. We can call it whatever we want, but I really do not believe that any gland (the "female prostate" or anything else) or specific mass of flesh exists.
I like Paul Joannides' perspective on this:
"Over the years, the G Spot has become a major industry, complete with G Spot books, G Spot vibrators, G Spot toys, and G Spot videos...Just so you'll know, the writers at the major women's magazines routinely call the author of the Guide to ask about this spot or that spot--the G Spot, the C Spot or the X-Y-Z Spot. It's never enough for them if he says, 'That might feel good for some women, but not so good for others.' These writers are hell bent to write a story that will sell magazines. It's a rare day when one of them values the idea of a woman exploring for herself and finding what does and doesn't work for her." (The Guide to Getting it On, pgs 79-80)The vast majority of focus on the G Spot in popular culture is based on women buying things to go in search of it. Can't we just agree that some women come from stimulation type A and some women come from stimulation type B? The debate about anatomy hurts women because it sets up a framework in which some women "have" a G Spot and some women do not. Women need to have sex that is pleasurable for them, period.
Thursday, January 07, 2010
Since we last heard from R. Kelly with 2007’s epic “Double Up” the much maligned boyfriend to America’s R&B ladyfans has been acquitted of the charges he faced related to the distribution of child pornography and, at the conclusion of his long-delayed and error-riddled trial, is a free man.
The song that most reviewers have focused on is “Pregnant” (as in, “Girl, you make me wanna get you pregnant”) because, like “Sex Planet” before it, this song leaves the casual R. Kelly listener saying, “Really?” Yes, really. This song reads like a prequel to “Havin’ a Baby” in which Kelly’s woman informs him that she’s pregnant and, since it’s April, that means they’re having a Capricorn.
Regular Kelly fans will remember that he has clarified in other songs (“Leave Your Name”) that there is a qualitative difference from “having sex” and “makin’ a baby,” presumably that “makin’ a baby” doesn’t require the use of condoms. Kells reveals how surprised he is at the seriousness of his feelings: “Tellin’ myself that I’m a player so I keep tryin’ to shake it off/But I keep seein this big old house with a picket fence and a dog.” Aww. Tyrese offers a beautifully sung interlude, promising the girls he can put them in one of his movies (he was in "Transformers," in case you didn't know). Robin Thicke evokes Justin Timberlake with his falsetto promise that if we choose him and “plant this magic seed,” the rest of our life would be “man-drama free.” The Dream gets explicit about contraceptives when he tells us to “put those pills on chill and give me my baby.” And lest we think we might be neglected during our pregnancy, he assuages our fears: “So don’t get it twisted/for thirty-some weeks I’m still gonna hit it.” He thinks pregnant women are sexy, thank god.
Despite the media's predictable focus on "Pregnant," the album features many other better, even more entertaining songs, including the awesome dance jam “Be My #2” in which Kelly invites a woman to be his second girlfriend. Though Kelly is clearly looking for a mistress, the tune goes like a polyamory negotiation and my favorite line is: “Though I love your sex/I can’t/I can’t/I can’t leave her/Though that ass is incredible/I can’t/I can’t/I can’t leave her.” Kelly invites both doubting listeners and hating motherfuckers to see just how many women would love to answer his call when he says “It may sound crazy/To be my second baby/Put your hands up if you/Would like to be my number two.” If we were in the club surely all the hands would go up.
Anyone who listened to “Sweet Tooth” enough times to realize that it was a tribute to eating pussy will be pleased to know that “Untitled” features not one but two songs about going downtown—“Go Low” and “Whole Lotta Kisses.” Just as you look up and think, “Wait, is he talking about…” he clarifies by singing “I wanna kiss you in your private spot.” Interestingly enough, these two songs are the only ones on the album for which Kelly gets the sole writing credit.
“Exit” begs a girl to leave the club with him through, you guessed it, the exit. This is fast becoming my favorite song on the album--the singing is phenomenal.
“Echo” promises “Sex in the morning, sex all day” and invites a girl to come to his place and follow the clues to the bedroom, where Kelly will be “Waiting for you right there baby/I’ll be waiting to (blanked out) like crazy/I hope you’re ready baby to go all day long/ I hope you’re ready to scream and moan like (yodeling).” Who could turn down that offer? Kelly has even already called your boss to tell him you’re not coming in today.
The album highlight is “Text Me.” At first listen I thought Kelly had picked up T-Pain’s bad autotune habit but it turns out he just sings that fucking good. The chorus is “I’m at my home/Sippin’ on Patron/I’m all alone/So baby text it to my phone.” Anyone who has been lured to a booty call’s house via late night erotic texting will hear their experience reflected in the lyrics.
- “I’m at my home/Sippin’ on Patron/I’m all alone/So baby text it to my phone.” (I’m home alone and drunk, please come over)
- “Hey, how you doin?/Shorty, what you doin?/I don’t got nothin’ to do tonight/So I wanna get with you tonight/Be at my crib at 7/I’ll hit it 7 to 11/and wear that thing I like/and I’ll do that thing you like” (remember that time we had sex for like 2 hours? It’s gonna be like that. But you’ve gotta go at 11 because my girlfriend [number 1] is coming home)
- “They’re ain’t nobody in my home/So we can get as freaky as we want” (My roommates aren’t here)
- “Text me back somethin’ freaky/Let me know how you wanna do me/I'm glad you like that kinky shit too” (If you won’t come over will you at least send me dirty texts I can jerk off to?)
- “I’m on that booty call/I’m on that booty call/I’m on that booty call” (no really, if you get a “What are you doin?” text at night, it’s a booty call)
The only song I don’t like is the auto-tuney “Crazy Night” during which R. City obnoxiously reveals his intentions to, after a week, “delete her/because girl you are not a keeper.” Somebody ought to tell him that you don’t win the game when you show the other team your playbook.
“Untitled” is simply a love record. Kelly is pretty much in love with every girl he sees and doesn’t bother with hardly any mention of the haters we heard so much about on “Double Up.” Clearly the end of his trial has freed up his creative energies to go in a more booty-shaking direction with less of the anger and hostility of his last record. (Oh, and remember "Hair Braider"? that song didn't make this album) The songs aren’t all winners but I’m thrilled that Kelly has returned to his roots and made an album that is really about making love.
Bonus: See Kelly's letter to God from the album's digital booklet below. God uses iTunes!