Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Pregnant? Scared?
Call me in 2028

Dear Texas,

See how scary teen pregnancy is? It's like Texas Chainsaw Massacre. But it lasts for 18 YEARS.



(The above PSA is from the totally legit Milwaukee-area organization Baby Can Wait which is a program of the United Way of Greater Milwaukee. Their PSA is terrifying but the website is full of actual real information and even provides links to stuff teenager actually need--like legitimate health service providers.)

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Your Girlfriend's First Vibrator

The Babeland Silver Bullet

Hey Julie,

I am having a bit of a dilemma. The girl that I am currently with wants to get a vibrator. I am supportive of the idea but I have some concerns, mostly with the size of the toy. I am worried that if the toy is large it will change the quality of the sex on my side especially because she is a rather small girl.

The purpose of the toy would not be for everyday use but more for those "I need it now" moments. Do you have any recommendations on toys that will provide her with what she is looking for with out causing a noticeable change for me?


Hi Tyler-

The "will my girlfriend's vibrator make my dick seem like a baby carrot?" question comes up a lot, and I promise you that no guy I've ever heard of has actually been replaced by a sex toy. Penises don't vibrate, it's true, but vibrators don't have boyfriends attached to them. So don't worry about her preferring her new gadget to yours.

That said, your concern about whether the toy's size will change sex for you (presumably because a big toy could stretch her out) is valid. And no, it won't. Remember, vaginas are designed to accommodate human babies, and not even the most epic size queen wants a sex toy that big.

You don't say if your girlfriend wants a vibrator to use during sex or if she wants one to use when you're not around, but I think a great introductory toy is the bullet. They come in all kinds of varieties, but the basic Silver Bullet costs $15, takes 2 AA batteries, and is perfect for handheld clitoral stimulation either alone or with a partner.

The new Sqweel from Babeland

If your girlfriend is after a totally different form of stimulation, the Sqweel is brand new from Babeland. It's a handheld "wheel" made up of little tongues to simulate oral sex. Probably a little awkward to use during sex but great for those "I need it now" moments she's having. At $59, Sqweel is an affordable way to get a totally novel form of pleasure.

The Delight from Fun Factory

For penetration, the Delight provides vibration, silicone texture, and G-spot stimulation. Plus it's really pretty. Oh, and it's rechargeable, which means there won't be any "I need it now...but I'm all out of batteries" moments. On sale for $99 at Babeland, Delight is pricey for a first timer but Fun Factory toys are high quality and Delight is a great investment. Not having to buy batteries will totally make it pay for itself.

Good luck!

PS-This is just a little aside to all the guys out there who have this concern: everyone, even your girlfriend, has the right to a solo sex life. For the vast majority of people, masturbation is a completely distinct form of pleasure that won't reduce their desire for their partner. Women who masturbate frequently have been shown to have more orgasms, want sex more with their partners, and be more in touch with what works for them sexually, all of which are good for you, the boyfriend. So everybody wins. That said, if your girlfriend (or wife, or whatever) wants to get a vibrator, it's not really any of your business. Unless you're buying, I'd advise you to sit back and enjoy the ride.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Annals of Obvious:
We Can't Prove the G Spot Exists. Who Cares?

Internal anatomy with G Spot labeled. (credit)

Surely by now everyone has heard the latest gold nugget of research to come out of the UK, which tells us that the G Spot doesn't exist. Or, more accurately, they can't prove that it exists. Nevermind that their research methods didn't include any physiological measurement of any kind, just a mail survey in which they asked women to say whether or not they thought they had a G Spot based on the researcher's definition, and then tell them what kind of orgasms they were having.

The debate over whether the G Spot exists is fundamentally flawed for a number of reasons, but I object to it primarily because there is little reason to believe that some magic pleasure center exists in some women's bodies and not others. My money is on the so-called G Spot actually being the bottom of the urethral sponge, which is why some women find sex with a full bladder intensely pleasurable. Much like a butt plug, a full bladder will take up space inside the pelvis and make any penetration--with a dildo, a penis, fingers, whatever--tighter and different. Some women like it, some women don't. But when you familiarize yourself with internal female anatomy, the idea that there is some magical tissue called the G Spot becomes less and less realistic. What is being stimulated is most likely the bottom of the bladder. We can call it whatever we want, but I really do not believe that any gland (the "female prostate" or anything else) or specific mass of flesh exists.

I like Paul Joannides' perspective on this:

"Over the years, the G Spot has become a major industry, complete with G Spot books, G Spot vibrators, G Spot toys, and G Spot videos...Just so you'll know, the writers at the major women's magazines routinely call the author of the Guide to ask about this spot or that spot--the G Spot, the C Spot or the X-Y-Z Spot. It's never enough for them if he says, 'That might feel good for some women, but not so good for others.' These writers are hell bent to write a story that will sell magazines. It's a rare day when one of them values the idea of a woman exploring for herself and finding what does and doesn't work for her." (The Guide to Getting it On, pgs 79-80)
The vast majority of focus on the G Spot in popular culture is based on women buying things to go in search of it. Can't we just agree that some women come from stimulation type A and some women come from stimulation type B? The debate about anatomy hurts women because it sets up a framework in which some women "have" a G Spot and some women do not. Women need to have sex that is pleasurable for them, period.

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Review: "Untitled" by R. Kelly

Since we last heard from R. Kelly with 2007’s epic “Double Up” the much maligned boyfriend to America’s R&B ladyfans has been acquitted of the charges he faced related to the distribution of child pornography and, at the conclusion of his long-delayed and error-riddled trial, is a free man.

The song that most reviewers have focused on is “Pregnant” (as in, “Girl, you make me wanna get you pregnant”) because, like “Sex Planet” before it, this song leaves the casual R. Kelly listener saying, “Really?” Yes, really. This song reads like a prequel to “Havin’ a Baby” in which Kelly’s woman informs him that she’s pregnant and, since it’s April, that means they’re having a Capricorn.

Regular Kelly fans will remember that he has clarified in other songs (“Leave Your Name”) that there is a qualitative difference from “having sex” and “makin’ a baby,” presumably that “makin’ a baby” doesn’t require the use of condoms. Kells reveals how surprised he is at the seriousness of his feelings: “Tellin’ myself that I’m a player so I keep tryin’ to shake it off/But I keep seein this big old house with a picket fence and a dog.” Aww. Tyrese offers a beautifully sung interlude, promising the girls he can put them in one of his movies (he was in "Transformers," in case you didn't know). Robin Thicke evokes Justin Timberlake with his falsetto promise that if we choose him and “plant this magic seed,” the rest of our life would be “man-drama free.” The Dream gets explicit about contraceptives when he tells us to “put those pills on chill and give me my baby.” And lest we think we might be neglected during our pregnancy, he assuages our fears: “So don’t get it twisted/for thirty-some weeks I’m still gonna hit it.” He thinks pregnant women are sexy, thank god.

Despite the media's predictable focus on "Pregnant," the album features many other better, even more entertaining songs, including the awesome dance jam “Be My #2” in which Kelly invites a woman to be his second girlfriend. Though Kelly is clearly looking for a mistress, the tune goes like a polyamory negotiation and my favorite line is: “Though I love your sex/I can’t/I can’t/I can’t leave her/Though that ass is incredible/I can’t/I can’t/I can’t leave her.” Kelly invites both doubting listeners and hating motherfuckers to see just how many women would love to answer his call when he says “It may sound crazy/To be my second baby/Put your hands up if you/Would like to be my number two.” If we were in the club surely all the hands would go up.

Anyone who listened to “Sweet Tooth” enough times to realize that it was a tribute to eating pussy will be pleased to know that “Untitled” features not one but two songs about going downtown—“Go Low” and “Whole Lotta Kisses.” Just as you look up and think, “Wait, is he talking about…” he clarifies by singing “I wanna kiss you in your private spot.” Interestingly enough, these two songs are the only ones on the album for which Kelly gets the sole writing credit.

Exit” begs a girl to leave the club with him through, you guessed it, the exit. This is fast becoming my favorite song on the album--the singing is phenomenal.

Echo” promises “Sex in the morning, sex all day” and invites a girl to come to his place and follow the clues to the bedroom, where Kelly will be “Waiting for you right there baby/I’ll be waiting to (blanked out) like crazy/I hope you’re ready baby to go all day long/ I hope you’re ready to scream and moan like (yodeling).” Who could turn down that offer? Kelly has even already called your boss to tell him you’re not coming in today.

The album highlight is “Text Me.” At first listen I thought Kelly had picked up T-Pain’s bad autotune habit but it turns out he just sings that fucking good. The chorus is “I’m at my home/Sippin’ on Patron/I’m all alone/So baby text it to my phone.” Anyone who has been lured to a booty call’s house via late night erotic texting will hear their experience reflected in the lyrics.
  • I’m at my home/Sippin’ on Patron/I’m all alone/So baby text it to my phone.” (I’m home alone and drunk, please come over)
  • Hey, how you doin?/Shorty, what you doin?/I don’t got nothin’ to do tonight/So I wanna get with you tonight/Be at my crib at 7/I’ll hit it 7 to 11/and wear that thing I like/and I’ll do that thing you like” (remember that time we had sex for like 2 hours? It’s gonna be like that. But you’ve gotta go at 11 because my girlfriend [number 1] is coming home)
  • They’re ain’t nobody in my home/So we can get as freaky as we want” (My roommates aren’t here)
  • Text me back somethin’ freaky/Let me know how you wanna do me/I'm glad you like that kinky shit too” (If you won’t come over will you at least send me dirty texts I can jerk off to?)
  • I’m on that booty call/I’m on that booty call/I’m on that booty call” (no really, if you get a “What are you doin?” text at night, it’s a booty call)

The only song I don’t like is the auto-tuney “Crazy Night” during which R. City obnoxiously reveals his intentions to, after a week, “delete her/because girl you are not a keeper.” Somebody ought to tell him that you don’t win the game when you show the other team your playbook.

“Untitled” is simply a love record. Kelly is pretty much in love with every girl he sees and doesn’t bother with hardly any mention of the haters we heard so much about on “Double Up.” Clearly the end of his trial has freed up his creative energies to go in a more booty-shaking direction with less of the anger and hostility of his last record. (Oh, and remember "Hair Braider"? that song didn't make this album) The songs aren’t all winners but I’m thrilled that Kelly has returned to his roots and made an album that is really about making love.

Bonus: See Kelly's letter to God from the album's digital booklet below. God uses iTunes!