Monday, September 11, 2006

Go-To Girl's Rules of Sexual Etiquette, part 1: 10-10-50

Those of you that were lucky enough to have been at the FGC-AYF-YF Fishbowl this summer already know about 10-10-50, but those of you who don't, allow me to elucidate. I'm a student, and I think in rules and theories. So, I have some theories. Ten-Ten-Fifty is a theory of how a sexual encounter should happen between two hypothetical people. Here's how it goes:

10: the number of minutes, from entry to exit, that sex* should take. Unless there's something remarkable going on (as in, alcohol-fueled anorgasmia, attempts at tantra, etc.) this is actually a pretty generous amount of time. Studies show that on average, men can go for about 5 minutes before coming. And I have heard from certain guys (who will remain nameless, but whose initials are S.D.), claims that "10 minutes isn't long enough" and whatever. Friends, guys, ladies, take a look at the bedside clock before you start doing it. I guarantee you that 10 minutes is plenty of time. And anything beyond 20 minutes is absolutely out of the question. We are all busy people.

10: the number of minutes a blowjob recipient can expect to get. There are exceptions to this rule, too, and they are as follows: if someone really likes giving blowjobs, they'll probably give you more than 10. Or if the blowjob is taking the place of sex then 10 minutes might be insufficient. But as far as blowjob-as-foreplay is concerned, anything longer than 10 minutes could cause serious neck strain and, c'mon, this isn't porno. *Ethical note: under the blowjob-as-substitute circumstance, it is unethical to stop giving the blowjob before orgasm and it is also unethical, guys, for the blowjob to continue longer than 30 minutes (at the risk of causing serious neck injury) if you know you are unable to come. This is particularly true if you are drunk. So keep it to 10 minutes. That bedside clock can again come in handy.

50: the maximum percentage of tongue that should be inserted into someone's mouth when kissing. There are no exceptions to this rule.

Go forth and fuck appropriately.

*this means penis to orifice; the rules of gay/lesbian/queer sex will be addressed in a different installment.

1 comment:

Gavin said...

Hey there GTG,

I've got to take issue with this – I didn't at the fishbowl partly because, well, it was a fishbowl. I didn't feel clear to contradict you there, and nobody brought it up when the guys got to speak.

Anyway, I recognize that these might be workable rules for you. Indeed, for most people, 10-10-50 might be a significant improvement - even five minutes is sufficient to bring someone to climax, if you really know what (and who) you're doing, and boring sex can be a downer for an otherwise healthy and happy relationship. But I challenge the idea that sex has to be boring when it goes past ten minutes.

Sometimes, with creative use of hips, lips, and fingertips, it's nice to linger longer, stare into each other's eyes, and speak of deeply intimate things. When I and my partner are both really well-balanced in our lives, and in our relationship – when we are very clear about "no" and "yes" – we know when sex is exactly what we want to be doing. Knowing that makes it all more engaging. We can spend a whole Saturday together, leaving the bed only for food or a walk. It is a phenomenal experience to hold each other in our hearts and our arms, gaze into each other's eyes, and meld for three hours. Yes, we did check the clock.

I will acknowledge that this is made easier when one's partner is directly stimulated by intercourse. Very few women actually prefer intercourse to clitoral stimulation, so it can be helpful to add fingers (and possibly vibes and other toys) to the mix for these longer sessions. And again, the creative use of the hips can be helpful here. Try moving around (in circles, figure-eights, etc) without any in or out motion.

So, I would say to your readers, yes – if it's just for exercise or raw sex, keep it to ten minutes and go on to the next thing. But try, with someone you care about, going longer. If it doesn't work (if one or both don't last) then look for other ways to improve the relationship, and put it on firmer ground. Get clear about what you're doing together. I've lasted longest when I'm clear about my life and my relationships, and least when I doubt what I'm doing.