Q: Blow-job dirty talk? A: Yes, but mind thy tongue

This Is The Point In The Blow Job Where I Have To Be Careful What I Say

Ordinarily, I am a candid, even verbose individual, but this is a particularly sensitive time for me, so I will try to remain brief. We have...

Word of the Day: Kakistocracy

No, I am not making this up.

Kakistocracy: A system of government in which the worst people are in power.

Obviously, this is now my favorite word. It's probably really pronounced "cackistocracy" but clearly needs to be pronounced "cockistocracy"

As in:

"What the fuck? Congress is allocating MORE money for abstinence-only? We are so under the thumb of a total kakistocracy."

Q: Is it time for straight people to adopt hanky code? A: Yes.

You might be saying, "What's hanky code?" I'm here to tell you. First, click on this link to go to an extremely comprehensive listing of different colored hankies one can wear to da club and what they mean to potential sex partners.

So go read the list and then try to translate the following scenario:

"Gettin' Freaky in the Club"

(Straight crowd is milling around the bar. Everyone has a hanky. WTF?)

(Jenny walks to the bar and catches the bartender's eye. He walks over and notices that she has a bright red bandanna tied around her neck.)

Bartender: "Hey there, Miss, what can I getcha?"

Jenny: "How about a Strawberry Cheesecake Lube Shot?"

Bartender: "Whaa?"

Jenny: "Exactly."

When you've figured out what code Jenny is wearing, write me and let me know. But seriously, wouldn't it make life easier if people generally adopted hanky code? It might take the guessing game out of hooking up if you knew in advance that the guy or gal you're taking home isn't into biting but is into hair-pulling before you're disappointed not to have marks? Put another way, hankies reveal a person's particular kinks (or lack thereof) and can save the time and heartache of being in a relationship with someone who is totally sexually lame.

And, for the record, my hanky collection includes red, navy blue, brown lace, and this cute fuschia one with owls on it. Oh, and I'm wearing a houndstooth dress.

Review: O'My "Pixie"

Bullet vibrators come in two grades: amateur and professional. A great introduction to the world of vibrators, many bullets are made of hard, smooth plastic and churn through batteries at a rapid clip.

For those for whom the bullet vibe becomes a regular in their sex toy arsenal, the hard, smooth plastic cheapies do not suffice. That’s where the higher-end bullets, like O’My’s Pixie, come in.

The Pixie comes in three colors—pink, blue, and purple, making it easy to coordinate--or contrast—-with the rest of the toys in your box. Made of a nonporous silicone that also provides vital friction, the Pixie holds its own against the clit without becoming too slippery. Pixie is waterproof, making it a good toy for the shower or for internal play. Just make sure you clean it thoroughly afterwards!

The Pixie also comes with a nubby elastomer cover that can turn it into a vibrating cock ring that can be used on a cock or fingers.

At $20.99, the Pixie is a little pricier than other bullets, but for the higher quality materials and additional features it’s worth it. One factor to keep in mind with any vibrator is how quickly they use batteries. A $5 vibe that eats up a new set of AA’s with each use will quickly become more expensive than the $25 bullet whose batteries don’t need to be changed for months.

The Pixie has four speeds and when I first turned it on I expected a really strong vibration at the highest speed, but that’s not what I got. It was strong enough (and maybe my batteries weren’t too fresh) but I was surprised that I had to keep it turned on “Super” for the duration.

Though it only comes with one bullet, the Pixie has two jacks so that you can plug in another bullet if you have a friend to play with or just want to use two hands. The removable bullet also makes cleaning easier and eliminates those embarrassing, “What’s that buzzing inside my suitcase?” moments at airport security.

One of the marks of a higher quality bullet is its volume: lots of the cheaper ones seem designed to allow for maximum rattling and therefore zero privacy if you live with someone else. The Pixie isn’t totally silent, but it’s quieter than some other bullets I've used.

Bullet vibes are different than shaft-shaped ones; they can be inserted and pushed against the G-spot but are primarily intended to use on the clit. Try the Pixie inserted into the vagina with a butt plug to keep it in proximity to the G-spot and plug in another bullet to the second jack for the clit. Just an idea.

Q: Did God intend for pussy to taste like passionfruit? A: Ew. No.

New review is up!

With so many high-quality sex lubes out there today, it can be difficult for a newcomer to differentiate itself from its shelf-mates. O’My has entered the fray with a wide variety of lubes: silicone and water-based, flavored and “natural.”

First, the “natural” flavor. Where a lot of unflavored lubes go wrong is by including some ingredient that, while not a “flavor,” leaves a nasty taste in your mouth or a smell on your hands that kills the mood. My favorite lube, Maximus, tastes like tonic water and kind of makes your tongue go numb. Not hot.

O’My’s Natural Lubricant is great: It’s thick enough for both vaginal and anal play and it smells like aloe, not chemicals. It comes in a pretty, teardrop-shaped purple bottle that passes the bedside table test: the label says “natural” and nothing else. Unless someone looked closely, they’d think that nice bottle by your bed is hand lotion.

Since it’s water-based, O’My Natural doesn’t stain sheets and washes out easily. The pump top can be turned so that it is securely closed and packable. The 4 oz. bottle costs $13.95, which is kind of pricey but the subtlety of the bottle makes it a good investment.

I confess to being completely averse to flavored lubes in general; unless they’re being used over a piece of latex, strawberry or coconut just doesn’t taste good when added to the natural taste of someone’s private parts. I'm not really sure I actually understand under what circumstances they're supposed to be used. I get flavored condoms for blow jobs, but why do you need lube, too? And flavored lube on pussy is wretched, people. Trust me.

As far as flavored lubes go, O’My’s Strawberry Cheesecake and Passion Fruit are good. Each of these lubes is slightly less sticky than the Natural, meaning that they probably wouldn’t be very good for anal play. O’My’s flavored lubes are all sugar-free, which means that they won’t stick to your skin like candy and won’t cause nasty yeast infections which traditional flavored lubes are known to.

The Strawberry Cheesecake tastes like a strawberry Jell-O shot and the Passion Fruit tastes like liqueur. Neither of these flavors is bad, but I personally wouldn’t want to add them to sex. Perhaps the Girls Gone Wild people should invent a GGW shot for which a girl licks some flavored lube off some other girl's nipple and then takes a swill of tequila.

Strawberry Cheesecake’s bottle is the same as the Natural, but red; Passion Fruit is orange. The name of the flavor is the only text on the bottle, so these lubes also pass the bedside table test.

In addition to these three types, O’My has flavored lubes in Melon, Cappuccino, Cherry, Kiwi Strawberry, Blueberry Cheesecake, and Pina Colada. Why not have a tasting party? Where are you, Girls Gone Wild?

Newsbites: Friends with benefits, Gay Navy, etc.

Researchers at Michigan State University have done the first (tiny, unrepresentative, pretty useless) study on "friends with benefits." The study found that, duh, someone in the relationships is almost always afraid of one partner becoming more emotionally attached than the other. The New York Times article can be found here.


And in other news, gay porn found on a Navy Officer's computer will be used as evidence against him at trial.

Gay Porn Allowed as Evidence in Navy Trial

A military judge has ruled that gay adult content on a Navy physician’s personal computer can be used as evidence against him to support charges that he secretly recorded midshipmen from the Naval Academy having sex at his home in Annapolis.

By Popular Demand: The 10 Steps to a Successful Anal Encounter

Go-To Girl assumes that when normal people have dinner parties they don't sit around the table with their closest friends explaining how to successfully have anal sex. But, hey, anything for you guys!

Ethically speaking I have to say that I learned (almost) everything I know from Tristan Taormino, author of The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women.

While I have written several times about anal sex in this column, my readers (read: dinner party guests) are begging for an explicit and authoritative account of the 10 Steps. So, here goes.

1. Buy a bottle of lube.

2. Put it under your pillow.

3. When going down on your partner covertly lube up a finger. (9 times out of 10 the friend-cum-reader who's asking is male with a female partner, but the same applies if it's some other combination of partners or a female partner who wants to peg her man)

4. Touch the rosebud lightly; eventually you should be able to feel it relax and it will open up slightly.

5. Put your fingertip in. Delicately!

6. Assuming your partner doesn't say, "What the fuck are you doing?"* bring them to orgasm with your finger in their ass.

7. Snuggle and whatever and say something like, "That was so hot." Hopefully they'll agree and say something like, "I don't know if this sounds weird, but that felt soooo good!"

8. Repeat steps 3-7 until you can comfortably get 3 fingers in. This will probably take a few days.

9. When you and your partner have decided that you're ready to go forward with a cock-in-ass situation, warm up first with some fingerplay. Add more lube!

10. Covering your cock (flesh or silicone) with a ridiculous amount of lube (you should put on so much lube that you think, "Surely no one could ever need this much lube." And then add more.) go forth and fuck appropriately.

Notes:

While not mandatory if you and your partner are STI-free, condoms are a good idea for health reasons and because...well...what goes up must go down. Keep that in mind.

Do NOT use baby oil or any other oil-based lube. Or flavored lube. I like Maximus.

My dinner party guests were not in agreement about whether or not one should mention anal curiosity beforehand; I think, honestly, that once you get to be a certain age it's okay to try certain things without asking. Obviously "No" means "No," but your chances of success are better if you finger first and get told "No" (or, hopefully, "Yes!Yes!YES!!!") later.

*If this happens, you might be shit out of luck.

Support Our Troops: Get Them Laid!

Go-To Girl does not ordinarily comment on the war, but these pictures crossed my desk (read: inbox) and I thought I'd post them. I think they're a really heartfelt reminder that while our government may view American soldiers as expendable, there are horny wives and girlfriends to whom they are not.

At Camp Lejeune, in North Carolina, Marines' families are not allowed to meet them at the plane when they arrive, so they make these bedsheet-signs and hang them on the fence by the runway.

While I think it's really adorable and kind of romance novel-y to envision these soldiers coming home to wildly excited wives and girlfriends, these photos are a poignant reminder that some 3,500 men and women didn't make it back at all.

Let's hope they remembered their protective gear.



all photos courtesy of Quaker House.

New Toy Reviews!

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Q: Doesn't anyone do research on fetishes? A: Take this survey

Hey readers--
The great people at National Coalition for Sexual Freedom are conducting research into the discrimination and/or violence experienced by people who engage in sexual behaviors considered "kinky." By way of generalization, this means B/D/S/M (bondage/domination/submission/masochism), leather, and various other fetishes that are not considered "normal." This is distinct, though not necessarily mutually exclusive from, traditional sexual minorities--LGBTQ, etc.

The survey is available on the NCSF website:
www.ncsfreedom.org

Q: How do lesbians have sex? A: Join this website.

Remember Crash Pad and Superfreak? Now there's a pay site with continuously updated dyke porn here. It's a little bit pricey but my brief glance at the video previews shows that it's indeed totally hot.

Here's a preview of the Dylan and Trucker video:

Kels + Usher = Delicious

Artist Site

More Videos

AmeriSex News Items!

Don't sue me Kels; it's a mannequin!

Item:

R. Kelly's trial has been postponed again, indefinitely.

Apparently the lady-prosecutor in the case went and got knocked up and had a baby so she's unavailable to be at trial until spring 2008.

The good news though is that jurors will get to see the 26 minute sex tape in its entirety. Hopefully they'll also watch the Dave Chappelle sketch so R. Kelly can demonstrate the hateration that has been perpetrated against him as a result of this case.

*Sigh*

Item:

So I'm watching a CNBC show called "On the Money" today and there's a bit on what's being billed as the "American Idol" of porn.

It's called "America's Next Top Porn Star." It's available, hilariously, on Pay-Per View. I knew that it was tough for guys to break in to porn, but girls? I thought it was pretty much a first come, first serve kind of industry. http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif

Here's the registration form for the show. See the list of, ahem, activities.

Sad but true

Description Of Sexual Fantasy Changing With Girlfriend's Reaction

Go-To Girl Has a New Address!

Please update your bookmarks with my new, incredibly easy to remember website name!

www.thisisgotogirl.com

While you're here, please take my poll testing the validity of 10-10-50. What is 10-10-50, you ask?

Click here to read the original post. Then click here to read the revision.

Then take the poll.

Q: Is there a Brazilian wax substitute? A: It's called "shaving"

The Go-To Razor.

Dear Go-To Girl,

Is there a brazilian wax substitute?
I liked the look and feel, and I LOVE the effect it has on my boyfriend. It was just so painful!! How do you make it hurt less?

Love,

Like Arachnaphobia but for Pain

Dear LABFP,

Believe me, I know how you feel. The friend of mine who talked me in to getting a Brazilian wax kept promising that it would "hurt so good" and that I'd just want to "rub all over everything." In retrospect, neither of those things are super-appealing, and neither actually happened.

She told me to take lots of ibuprofen before my appointment, to get some Bactine, and, if possible, to get high. I took ibuprofen and bought some Bactine, but I didn't have any drugs so I can't speak to the effect they might've had. I wasn't in much pain afterwards, but g-ddammit, I almost gave up in the middle of the whole thing.

I think that shaving, once you've mastered the art, is just as good as waxing but if you want to mimic the boyfriend-effect you really have to do it right before sex. I know people who are into having their partner shave them. If your partner is R. Kelly, I imagine you know something about this.

To do a really thorough job, you've got to get out of the way of the shower stream and use a good shaving cream--I like Kiss My Face because it's not foamy and stays put for a while. You've got to put each leg up on something and use your hands to pull the skin of your vag taut to get a smooth shave. Shave in the direction of hair growth first and then shave against it.



You've got to really use your hands so you can feel where the hair is; you won't be able to see all the crevices you're after, so get comfortable. Controversy surrounds whether or not to shave the rosebud; if you're not into anal, don't bother.

Shaving the area takes practice and maintenance but it's worth it.

Please do not--I repeat, do not--use depilatories in your nether regions. Take it from me--they aren't lying when it says on the label that it's not intended for the "genital area."

Good luck!
Go-To Girl

Q: Should I forget about the guy with the plywood mattress? A: Yes

dear gtg,
this past spring, a good friend set me up with a friend of hers. goofy art kid without a decent full-time job and plywood board for a mattress. we slept together...a lot. i found it annoying that he would take eons to return my calls and would myspace message me instead of using email, but, quirky art kid, right?

we were having a grand old time until i left for a month-long trip. we said "see you later," and, while i joked with friends that i'd probably come back and he'd have a girlfriend, i was truly surprised when i got back and that's precisely what happened! am i wrong to think that, even if you're just having a good time with someone (whom you might like out of bed as much as in), wouldn't it be nice if they told you they were kinda on to someone else and basically using your cooter in the interim? because he didn't tell me himself, oh no. i found out through the friend who'd hooked us up, after i'd been back for a week!

whatever happened to courtesy and gentle ego-breaking rejection? the worst part: i still have it for this dude a little. it's maddening. so where did i go wrong? did i give the goods away too fast? was i, for however beautiful and awesome he kept telling me i was, not good enough? or should i just stay away from guys who sleep on plywood boards?

Sadly,
Princess In Madd Plywood

Dear PIMP,

I want you to visualize something for me. Pretend that, while you were gone on your trip, douchebag goofy art kid was laying, alone, on his plywood mattress, fantasizing about you and crying and jerking off til he couldn't feel anything anymore.

He is so distraught by your absence--indeed, he was so nervous about his feelings for you that he had to use MySpace messages instead of real email or the phone to get in touch with you--that he does the only thing a man can do: he sought comfort in the arms of another cooter.

He didn't reject you--you rejected him. You said, "See ya, biatch, I'm goin' on a trip." And he couldn't handle it. This very situation has happened to every girl--including me, this very summer--and believe me, the heartbroken men are legion, wandering the earth drunk-dialing their ex-girlfriends in our absence. But that's what life is like when you're a pimp. You can't get hung up on the last guy, or the guy whose fingers trembled too much to dial a phone, or the guy who slept on a plywood board, or the guy who "thought" he mentioned that he was going to visit his ex-girlfriend. He does all of these things because he's just that into you. And he can't handle it.

So, PIMP, you are the playa in this situation (as, as always, am I). It is up to you to pick yourself up by your lady-bootstraps and find a man with a real mattress and fingers that are functionally able to dial a telephone. And take comfort in the fact that this problem effects men the world over: He's Just Not That Into You has been translated into 37 languages, after all.

Love,
Go-To Girl

Back-to-School Special: Part 1

As promised, here is the first installment of my soon-to-be wildly popular Back-to-School Special.



Dear Go-To Girl,

Ok, I'm ashamed to admit it, but I have a question about the Larry Craig scandal. Dan Savage, as well as other people, when dissecting this phenomenon of secret man-on-man bathroom hook-ups, have said that most men who engage in such behavior are "straight-identified." This makes sense to me. What I'm wondering is, are these "straight-identified" men really gay, and hiding it because they're conservative senators or whatever? Or are there lots of seriously straight men who crave the thrill of this kind of interaction too? Is bathroom sex an outlet for gay desires, or separate kink to itself?

Thanks!

Curious

Dear Curious,

I'm with Dan on this one. While Senator Craig might "really" be gay (just like R. Kelly might "really" prefer peeing on people) and deals with it by having secret sex with men while maintaining his hetero marriage and his anti-gay stance in Congress, it's definitely true that there are men (and women) who really are straight and like to have same-sex sex sometimes.

In Craig's case it's impossible to tell if he's "really" gay. But who cares? There are just as many straight-identified guys who like to fuck other guys as there are gay-identified guys who prefer to fuck straight guys (Google image search "straight guys" if you don't believe me).

In my mind, sexual orientation is about what gender of person you want to be in love with, not what gender you like to fuck. For most straight people, they are one in the same, but not for everyone. Some gay men have sex with women because they like the poontang--but they want to have relationships with men. Maybe Senator Craig really wishes he could set up house with one of these bathroom guys, but it's just as real a possibility that having sex in bathrooms is, for him, a kink that he sometimes indulges while maintaining that he is actually, certifiably, really straight.

Love,
Go-To Girl

Guys Gone WILD!!!

It must be back to school time...

Seriously, when it comes to sex-blogging, it's either feast or famine. Usually I'm begging for questions or writing about my friends' secret love scandals (just kidding, guys!) but it's obviously back to school because I've gotten like ten questions in the last 48 hours.

I promise to answer them all in turn, starting tomorrow. But until your question gets answered, remember: use condoms, people. Otherwise, go forth and fuck appropriately.

Larry Craig pulls an R. Kelly

via the New York Times:

Mr. Craig stunned Washington late yesterday with an announcement through his spokesman that he may return to the Senate despite announcing Saturday “my intent to resign from the Senate effective September 30.”

Holy Shit! Senator Craig is clearly taking a page from R. Kelly's playbook by giving a big "Fuck you!" to Washington.

Senator Craig, I recommend you defiantly return to W'ton on September 30th with your Stunnas on and bouncin' on your 24's, which should also be chopping and spinning.

And remember what R. Kelly wrote in "Rollin'":

I'm back Niggas [Senators]
What?
Ya’ll thought I was gone? [resigning in disgrace?]
Nope!!

When I was down you bitches didn’t want to be my friends (rollin) [ethics inquiry?]
And now I’m rollin all you bitches wanna hop in [Fuck all y'all!]
Rollin

Players hate, players hate [I'm looking at you, Senator Mitch McConnell {R-KY}]
When I walk up in the club [Senate]
I got them shades on doing about 75 [glasses]
Just call me speed racer cause I’m rollin in at mach 5 [more like 35 on Constitution]
Ya’ll niggas ain't fucking with me [Senate Ethics Committee]
And I put a mil on it [just ask my lawyers, Stanley Brand and Andrew Herman of the Brand Group]
Niggas and bitches they lie [fuck the police]
But home boy them stats don’t [prostitute's phone list, Senator Vitter {R-LA}?]
R & B Boss/Hussling like Rick Ross/Man my flow is so raw/
So niggas don’t piss me off [listen up, Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington]
I’m a player homie and that’s a well known factor [thanks for your support, Senator Arlen Specter {R-PA}]
Plus the wheels on that coup got it looking like a tractor [I am from Idaho, after all]

I really thought Senator Craig was going to puss out on this one, but he's obviously been inspired by R. Kelly's upcoming child pornography trial (stay tuned for up-to-the-minute coverage starting September 17th!). Fuck the Republican leadership.