Book Review: It's Called A Breakup Cause It's Broken

My advice to those who come to me with questions about their relationships is, perhaps too often, "Break up!" Whether the question is, "Is having a threesome with my boyfriend a good way to put the spark back into our sex life? (by the way, we're 20)*" or "My boyfriend, who I want to marry, hates performing oral sex on me. Is that bad?" I usually draw a line in the sand and say, "Dump the motherfucker already!" (Thanks, Dan)

As a documented fan of He's Just Not That Into You, I eagerly read It's Called A Breakup Cause It's Broken, looking forward to more of author Greg Behrendt's harsh, "this is what the guys never tell you" wit.

Just like HJNTIY, ICABCIB is pure gold for the first 80 pages or so. He and wife Amiira write about the different stages of breakups in a way I've not seen before. There's the obvious "He told me he wants to break up" scenarios and then the less obvious "He hasn't told you yet, but he's being an asshole so you'll break up with him, and that means he's broken up with you."

They include "Psycho Confessional" and Q & A from readers that, sadly, most readers would identify with.

The second half of the book is about how to do a "Breakover" and make yourself into the "SuperFox" you really are. I couldn't be bothered to read that part, so I can't tell you how it ends. But the beginning is harsh advice that, just like HJNTIY, everyone--male or female, straight, gay, or queer--should read.

And, for the love of G-d, DTMFA!


*For the record, if you're 20 and you find yourself in need of a "spark" in your relationship, DTMFA!!! At your age, it should be all spark, no relationship.

Book Review: She Comes First: I came. I read. I puked.

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Oral Sex Week, Part 3: The Conflict Continues

The privileges of being on GTG's GoogleChat list:

Monica: I have some news on the going dtown front.. too

me: ohh!
let's hear it

Monica: Working at work!

me: i know
it's novel

4:53 PM Monica: He said it makes him gag

me: oh give me a break

Monica: he is able to control it

me: like having a cock in your mouth doesn't make a girl gag?

Monica: but its hard for him
and I laughed
said exactly that

me: you should remind him that the gag reflex is actually inside the throast
not on the tongue

Monica: he did attempt to go down on me
4:54 PM after our chat
but it was short and not great

me: well, i can guarantee you that you can look forward to a relationship w/o cunnilingus

Monica: But damn the sex was good
I know

me: that wouldn't be tolerable to me

Monica: There is not a single thing I would change about him

me: but it's your call

4:55 PM Monica: except for that
I know
He is making an effort
4:56 PM kinda cracks me up

me: sounds like he's making an effort to get you to say,
'don't worry about it'

Monica: hahahah
Maybe I should be more forcefull
4:57 PM really ask him to work on it

me: i think it's fair

Monica: that its important for our sex life

me: as dan savage says, oral sex comes standard
and any model that comes without it should be returned to the lot

Okay, gang. Really. Oral comes standard. Any make or model that comes without it should be returned to the showroom.

Biostatistics and Journalism 101: The Gloucester Pregnancy "Pact"

Thanks to M, S, and L who all sent me links to this Time article about the alleged "pregnancy boom" at Gloucester High in Massachussetts.

I want everyone to take a deep breath here. Now, let's all do some math.

There are 1200 students at this school. For the sake of argument, let's say that 50% of them are female. So that gives us 17 pregnancies for 600 students. Get out your calculators:

17/600 = 0.0028

To calculate the number of pregnancies per 1000 people, we multiply that 0.0028 by 1000 and, viola, we have a pregnancy rate of 28.33 per 1000 women. Sound high?

According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, which publishes statistics on teen sex and pregnancy, 28 per 1000 is 16 prengancies lower than the lowest state prengancy rate in the nation (North Dakota, with 42 per 1000 teen women aged 15-19).

Now I'm no expert, but that doesn't much sound like a "pregnancy outbreak" to me, which is what CNN called it in a news story this morning. And the alleged "pact" the girls made? The school's principal, Joseph Sullivan, claimed on CNN that "nearly half" of the pregnancies were planned.

What's actually fueling this story, I imagine, is revealed in the shots of the Gloucester Daily Times that the CNN story shows: health education funding has been cut at Gloucester High, and the school's board will vote this fall on whether to provide contraception in its school clinic.

I'm all for health education (as long as it's not abstinence-based) and school-provided contraception, but shame on CNN for being total navel-gazers on this story and not, say, checking around for real pregnancy statistics. This is not, in fact, an outbreak. And the "pact"? Here's a quote from the original Gloucester Daily Times story:

To get to the bottom of the problem, Sullivan investigated and came up with a startling revelation: According to his conversations with upperclassmen, some younger students may be becoming pregnant on purpose.

Kim Daly, nurse practitioner for the high school, was unable to confirm specifics but did say that the majority of students reporting pregnancies this school year were in the younger grades.

Let's get this straight: nobody, not the principal or the nurse practitioner (who, I assume, actually did those pregnancy tests), has spoken to a single girl who has participated in this "pregnancy pact." The only information that even suggests a pact are the principal's conversations with upperclassmen--who, last time I checked, were not "in the younger grades."

Way to go, CNN. This is some of the clumsiest journalism I've ever seen. I don't believe this "pact" bullshit for a second.

Q: Where is my coffee? A: No, seriously, where is it?

Obviously, readers, coffee is not something I ordinarily write about here on Go-To Girl. But this brand-spanking new study published in the Annals of Internal Medicine that has shown that:

While accounting for other risk factors, such as body size, smoking, diet, and specific diseases, the researchers found that people who drank more coffee were less likely to die during the follow-up period (1980 to 2004 for women and 1986 to 2004 for men). This was mainly because of a lower risk for heart disease deaths among coffee drinkers.

Today's post is brought to you by coffee. Now...where is my coffee? No, seriously, where is it?

Q: Why am I losing my hard-on? A: You're putting pain-killers on it

Dear Go-To Girl,

I'm in a relatively new relationship and my girlfriend and I have tried twice to have sex. Both times once I put a condom on, I lost my erection. I'm using these condoms by Trojan; the wrapper is green. Do I need a Magnum?

Jack

Dear Jack,

Sometimes guys really do need a Magnum because the condom they put on is too tight at the base and they lose their erection. Not to diminish the possibility that you have a huge cock, but the green-wrapped Trojan you're talking about is the "Extended Pleasure" model, which says right on the box that it contains a "male genital desensitizer."

That desensitizer is no other chemical than benzocaine, the dental anesthetic. Using an Extended Pleasure condom is like spraying Chloraseptic on your dick.

So throw those condoms in the trash and get yourself some nice Kimono Type E's.

GTG

Do Humans Have Sex like Chimps?

No, these aren't chimps. But Bonobos are so cute!

I'm usually skeptical of evolutionary fuckology because human scientists have done such a bang-up job over time of applying our own social context onto animal societies and then used our interpretation of their behavior to support gender roles and behaviors in humans. But I'm not gonna lie, but this article in the New York Times reminds me a bit of the college fuck behavior I observe [from a distance!!!] every day.

Chimps are particularly likely to be silent and conceal their liaisons when higher-ranking females are nearby. They were most acoustically exuberant when cavorting with a high-ranking male.

The reason may be that other higher-ranking males are likely to be around, too, and by advertising her availability to them a female chimp may gain many influential protectors for her future infant.

The calculus changes when higher-ranking females are around because they are likely to attack the caller and break up the fun.

Sound familiar?

There's more:

“I can imagine that these sort of signals [in humans] may still be very much perceived by other group members and give a female a high degree of control over her willingness to copulate or let others know her sexual state,” said Dr. Zuberbühler, also of the University of St. Andrews.

“If she was truly interested in meeting with the best males, [a female chimp] should do all her calling during that narrow window when it matters,” Dr. Zuberbühler said. “But she doesn’t. She conceals the time of ovulation by calling throughout her cycle.”

Humans might not signal sexual availability through a clearly recognizable body change, but women definitely have ways of demonstrating interest. Like by wearing "True Love Waits" sweatpants.

Oral Sex Week, Part 2

Monica: My future husband just doesn't seem to like giving oral sex me: uh oh
Monica: we have been open talked about it
and he makes alot of effort
but his dislike comes out in his effort
we have a ridiculous sex life
amazing in every other way
what to do?
me: how does his dislike come out?
gagging?
Monica: hahaha
No more in a begrudging attitude
me: like, 'well, okay, i'll go down on you'?
Monica: yes

I've heard a lot of this lately: girls that just loooove giving blowjobs and somehow wind up with a boyfriend who, at best, begrudgingly goes downtown. I can understand this in the abstract because of ye olde argument that giving a good blowjob is an exercise in "power" and whatever. Why the converse isn't true for dudes, I'm not sure.

Of course there are guys like Dr. Ian Kerner, who just can't wrap their mouth around enough pussy. I'm reading his book, She Comes First, right now and his love for poon really comes through. It's good advice for anybody who's really motivated to make oral sex great, but I don't think it would convince those pussy-skeptics to really get into it.

Anonymous commenters, let's hear from you. I can understand that there are guys who might be, um, oriented away from oral sex but it just so happens that, in my sex life, those guys get oriented right back out the door.

Discuss.

Oral Sex Week, Part 1: Q: Why does my cum taste bad? A: Quit smoking!

Hey GTG
Sorry ahead of time, if I offend anyone...I'd much rather turn someone on than shake their tree of instilled values.
Have you heard about some supplement out of europe, for men and women, called 'the ropes' ?
Do you know if certain types of foods or 'new age supplements' like the ropes effect the way ones' cum tastes?
I am pretty excited about meeting you, here!
Ciao
Tyler

Dear Tyler,
I've read about "The Ropes" in what I imagine is the only publication read by dudes dumb enough to buy their product: Maxim. Not only do these herbal supplements never work, the reason cum looks all stringy in porn is because it's [supposedly] not cum at all but an external source of, say, hand cream, spurted out at the opportune moment.
In terms of the taste of cum, the things that are known to make it taste gross are nicotine (smoking affects the way your whole body tastes. yuck), alcohol, and asparagus. So if you're consuming any of those on a regular basis, try to give up smoking*.
After you've quit smoking, start drinking lots of water every day and eating fruit consistently. I've always heard a girl's tale about pineapple juice.
The herbal supplement you're talking about, SweetenZe, is a great way to blow $50 if you're looking for a way to lighten your wallet.
In conclusion: quit smoking and start chewing on pineapple to satisfy your oral fixation.
Love,
GTG

*I know quitting smoking is hard, but isn't the promise of more blow jobs worth it? The SweetenZe people promise "5 to 10 times more oral sex!!!!" and their product costs just about as much as Nicoderm.

R. Kelly Acquitted!!!

From CNN.com:

A Chicago jury has acquitted R. Kelly on all counts at his child pornography trial.

R. Kelly is accused of making a home sex video with an underage girl at his child pornography trial.

1 of 2 The verdict came six years after the R&B superstar was first charged with videotaping himself having sex with a young girl. Prosecutors had said she was as young as 13 at the time.

The Grammy award-winning singer dabbed his face with a handkerchief and hugged each of his four attorneys after the verdict was read. The singer had faced 15 years in prison if convicted.

Both Kelly and the now 23-year-old alleged victim had denied they were the ones appearing on the tape, which was played for the jury at the beginning and end of the trial.

P.S.: The Jury's Out on Kells

The jury has officially adjourned to deliberate in R. Kelly's child pornography trial, which means they finally get to watch the sex tape. I promise to let you know as soon as I hear about a verdict.

McCain: "I am a proud conservative liberal republican...what?"

Congratulations to conservatives for discovering custom condom printing. Obviously, we legitimate liberal sexual health people long knew of the availability of such services, but then again, we don't spend all our time denigrating condoms as ineffective.

I don't know who is putting out these McCain condoms, but the website is hilarious and I love the audio clips. Makes me look forward to the fall season of Saturday Night Live.

Happy Loving Day!

Happy Loving Day!

Today marks the anniversary of Loving v. Virginia, the court case that made interracial marriage legal in 1967. South Carolina and Alabama took their sweet time removing anti-mixed marriage laws from the books; they weren't taken out until 1998 and 2000, respectively.

Why not send someone a Happy Loving Day e-card? So much more meaningful than Valentine's Day.

Midnight Train to Swingtown

(By way of M & K in Florida)

For those of you who, like me, mourned the loss of the uber-hot, quiet but sensitive Jake the Bartender at the dramatic end of "Melrose Place," CBS has got a brand new bag: "Swingtown."

"Swingtown" tells the story of three couples, the Deckers, the Thompsons, and the main characters, the Millers. Susan and Bruce Miller are in transition from an old (read: conservative) neighborhood outside of Chicago to a new (read: 1970s) life in a bigger, more glamorous house.

The show opens with what looks like sexy, mustachioed pilot Tim (Grant Show) getting a blowjob in the cockpit; but, alas, the stewardess has just spilled coffee on his pants and is cleaning it up.

"Swingtown" follows these couples through the neighborhood manifestation of the wet and wild 1970s. The music is great, Grant Show is hot as all get out, and we have the first-ever primetime portrayal of swingers.

Watch the full episode at CBS.com.

As a totally kick-ass bonus, the website features full-length episodes of "Melrose Place" that are Jake-centric.

"Red Alert!" Teen Sex on the Rise

From the Washington Post (Thanks, T):
According to a new report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the (completely imagined) decline in teen sex has "leveled off." More alarming, condom use has also started to decline. The teen pregnancy prevention world is in a tizzy about this report.

Here's my grad school advisor on abstinence and condoms:

"Since we've started pushing abstinence, we have seen no change in the numbers on sexual activity," said John Santelli, chairman of the department of population and family health at Columbia University. "The other piece of it is: Abstinence education spends a good amount of time bashing condoms. So it's not surprising, if that's the message young people are getting, that we're seeing condom use start to decrease."

Sarah Brown, Chief of the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, offered this explanation:

"The truth is that, as a field, we really don't know what the answer is," Brown said. "There are lots of theories: the economy, classroom education, the messages kids are getting in the digital world where they spend their time. They probably all play a role."

The thing that nobody seems to realize or is afraid to admit to the Washington Post is that sex is fun. Teenagers can't even shop at K-Mart without being bombarded with the tired abstinence message; just look at these sweatpants.(Thanks, C)*

Let's hear from one of the abstinence pushers:

"Contraceptive sex education does not provide practical skills for maintaining or regaining abstinence but typically gives teens a green light to activity that puts them at great risk for acquiring STDs or which serve as gateway-to-intercourse activities," said Valerie Huber, executive director of the National Abstinence Education Association.

Valerie, you're goddamn right that comprehensive sex education doesn't give kids "practical skills for maintaining abstinence." And those "gateways to intercourse"? Normal people refer to those as "foreplay."

If I've said it once I've said it a million times: Kids aren't having sex because of abstinence education or comprehensive education; they're having sex because sex is fun. The end.

*After seeing a 12 year old girl here in Orlando wearing a pair of booty shorts that said, "Girls Make Boys Cry," I can understand the appeal of a pair of ass-message pants that say something not totally sexual, but come on.

What I'm Reading

Everyone knows I don't read books that aren't sex-related, and summer 2K8 is no exception. Here's a rundown of what I'm reading right now:

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships, by Tristan Taormino (author of the venerable Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women)

A full review of this book will be coming later, but this book, so far, is great. Tristan's writing style is clear, articulate, and focused and she's really done her homework by finding people all over the country that are in a rainbow's variety of relationships.
This book definitely gives monogamy a run for it's money.

Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex, by Mary Roach. (thanks for the gift, J!)

Mary Roach's book is a semi-historical look at 20th century sex researchers and the ways in which Science has been able to be more or less open over time about the kind of research it's doing. (Right now, we're in a "pretend it's psychology" phase, much like the 1940s) I don't think Roach likes Kinsey much, which, since he's my hero, makes me not love her. She's constantly referring to his missteps and why his career faltered like it's his own fault, not the result of a repressive 1950s environment and the increasing ballslessness of the Rockefeller Foundation, which had funded his work.

More sexy literature to follow.
Happy Summer!

Dum-Dum Alert: New Abstinence Group

Want a big mug of "WTF?!?" with your breakfast?
Watch this video, courtesy of the brand-spanking-new abstinence group Parents for Truth. They're a front group for the National Abstinence Education Association. Make sure you put on your critical reading glasses; everything they say on their website is a lie.

Happy Monday!