Q: I think we're going to have sex for the first time. What do I bring?

Dear Go-To Girl,

I've been dating this great guy that I met on the internets and we've had a bunch of really great dates. Tomorrow night he's invited me over to his house to make me dinner and I think we're going to do it.

I definitely have to use lube and I always use condoms, so what do I bring? How many condoms will I need? Can I bring my half-empty bottle of lube (which makes it obvious that I've used the other half to have sex with someone else) or buy a new one? I have two of those little single use lubes but I'm not sure if that'll be enough.

What's the etiquette here?

Love,

Gonna Get Laid

Dear GGL,

Congratulations. Your Friday night sounds infinitely more interesting than mine. People always feel awkward about bringing condoms--here's a little rundown of what each number of condoms brought means:

One: Just in case. And if it breaks, oh well. We can play cards.

Two: You think he can do it more than once, but only twice? That's kind of a lowball, dontcha think?

Three: Yeah, girl, bring it.

Six, of all different types: Yes, I've had sex before. And with a variety you can't give a bullshit excuse about condoms "not fitting."

A whole box: What? Oh, these? I just stopped by the drugstore on the way over here. I wanted to be safe. [The subtext, of course, is that now you have 12 condoms. That's a Friday night!]

As for the lube, those single use packages are great in theory but create the classic problem with lube: you have to use two fucking hands to open the goddamn thing. And you can't close it up again and it's basically going to just get lube all over your sheets, it won't be enough, and the whole situation makes me want to cry. Once you get the lube on your hands you want to fuck. The end.

Go to the drugstore and buy a little travel-size bottle of some product (or an empty one, if they have them) that has a squeeze top--like the kind that's on a bottle of dish detergent and fill it up from your big bottle. You can open it with your teeth, you only need one hand to squeeze it where you want it, it's small, refillable, and you can close it by hitting it against your side and throw it on the floor. Voila.

So, in conclusion:

1 box condoms + 1 small, refillable bottle of lube = totally hot sex

Love,
GTG

Department of "HOLY SHIT!"

Seriously. Look at this cartoon. And then when you find yourself scratching your head about it, look at this document. (first page of PDF is blank)

If you are wondering, "Holyshit!" you're not alone. So the right to lifers discovered Margaret Sanger's skeleton-closet. So what.

Clearly some gal at UCLA read about Margaret Sanger for the First Time Ever in some women's studies class she was taking to be Prepared To Face the Feminist Enemy and thought, "OMG, this is TOTALLY going to overturn Roe v. Wade!!!"

Sadly for the pro-lifers (including, apparently, cartoonist Glenn McCoy) Sanger's history is widely known by people who read books and pay attention. The legacy is complicated, yeah, but if eliminating non-white people was her goal she and Planned Parenthood have managed to fail pretty spectacularly.

And let's be clear: being pro-life is not--and never has been--about saving babies. It's about controlling women and women's sexuality.

This is Real: Tranny Dads

I would be remiss if I didn't mention this article in the Advocate about a transmale (i.e., female-to-male trans person) dude who is pregnant. This is pretty amazing stuff; I'm surprised that years of testosterone didn't hamper his ability to get pregnant via home insemination (which is the least effective method of artificial insemination). The body is a powerful thing. I wonder if he'll be forced to go in to hiding for the last few months when his baby bump is, like, huge.

R. Kelly update (feat. T-Pain)

Surely you all remember T-Pain from his cameo in R. Kelly's summer mega-hit "I'm a Flirt," on which T-Pain reminded us that he

"Fell in love with a stripper, y'all"

and that

"When I pull up to the club all the girls be like, 'Damn, 28's?'"

and

"All I do is flirt with her [the stripper, I presume] and I get dem drawers"

further complimenting the ladies with

"I'm feeling your body and I'm hoping you feel the same"

and, modestly,

"When I pass by I know exactly what you say: 'He's so fine, he's so cool'"

and then he reassures the guys whose girls he's flirting with,

"He mad cos I'm lookin' but I already fucked her"

I love T-Pain but, I can't lie, I looooove T.I. What? He's hot.

This Just In: "Men's New Sexual Needs"

For all of you ladies and gents out there with boyfriends who've been wondering, "Gosh, I think I'm keeping my man satisfied, but what if my BF had new sexual needs?" This month's Glamour has the answer.

"Men's New Sexual Needs" include:

To please you, like, really please you.

Translation: Make you come. Every time. The pressure's on, people! But as Sally said, "Its just that all men are sure it never happened to them and all women at one
time or other have faked it so you do the math." Sorry guys.

"The benefit of your experience."

But keep quiet about it, especially if you're a girl. We want to experience your...experiencedness, but please don't tell us how many people you've fucked. Yikes.

"To try anything at least once."

We mean anal.

"Some nights, plain old vanilla."

Particularly if we've been taken to task by a kinky girl and are feeling sensitive about our abilities. And "Porn makes me...want non-porn parts of a relationship, like cuddling and holding hands."

Excuse me while I go to the vomitorium.

More at glamour.com.

What's Going on With R. Kelly?

After several weeks with no news from Kels and more than one reader asking me, "Seriously, Go-To Girl, what's going on with R. Kelly?" I went out digging in the internets to find out what's going on with my pal Robert.

The good news is that the trial date has been set for May 9, according to the Chi-Town Sun Times.

The bad news is that just last week two new witnesses were added to the prosecution's witness list. All of the trial records are sealed, but I have my suspicions about who those witnesses might be:

Regina and George Daniels, Kelly's (former) friends and PR managers whose young (but, notably, not underage) daughter was involved with Kelly last year.

If I were to venture a guess, I'd say that Regina and George will testify that Kelly "crossed the line" with their daughter and as such can be assumed to have also crossed the line with the mystery girl on the sex tape. Whatevs.

That's the update from Kellyland.

The Circle of Life: Girls Gone Wild to Escort to Girls Gone Wild

What goes around truly comes around. This story from CNN reports that Ashley Alexandra Dupre, a.k.a. Kristen, ex-Governor Spitzer's lady friend, was offered $1 million from Girls Gone Wild to make a video for the profit-monster.
Alas, Dupre had already put in her time with GGW several years ago, and GGW has retracted its offer and already made available psy-per-view material of Dupre on its website.
If this isn't evidence of the effects of the "pornification" of our society, I don't know what is. So to all you girls out there on spring break being solicited by the GGW folks, take this home:

Don't pose for GGW (cos they won't pay you)
On the off chance you become a high-priced hooker
And the scandal breaks
You may be offered a cool mil to do some "tasteful" topless shots
But then they won't have to pay you for titty shots
Cos they'll have archival footage

The Lesson Here: Internet porn never goes away!

(thanks, Sara)

Support Our Troops: 5 Years War Edition

Today is the 5th anniversary of the war in Iraq. Life still sucks for the soldiers.





Thanks to Quaker House for the photos.

Q: Am I lady-jaculating? A: Yes. Or peeing.

Dear Go-To Girl,

I have an embarrassing question, embarrassing because it reveals that I do not fully understand my own body and how it works. But here goes: I have two different kinds of orgasms, one resulting from clitoral stimulation and one from internal stimulation. This situation is awesome. However, once, four years ago, while working on the latter kind with a vibrator, when I climaxed there was a lot of liquid that sort of squirted out. I assumed that I had urinated because that's kind of what it felt like. Anyway, I didn't think about for a long time until I got a new vibrator and it happened again the other day. I told my boyfriend about it, and he insists that it can't be urine, because you can't urinate when you're aroused. I know that's true for men, but I'm not so sure for women. He also argues that I'd be able to recognize urine immediately by the smell, but I'm pretty well-hydrated and don't think my urine smells very distinctive. He thinks it's some kind of female ejaculation, but it seems like way too much liquid for that. Not to mention, I've been in living in this body for a while, and it feels like I'm urinating. He claims this is impossible.

Anyway, what's going on here? Am I peeing myself when I come? Does this happen to other women? On a scale of 1 to 10, how completely embarrassing is this?

Help!
Liquid Assets

Hey LA,

The good news is that you and your boyfriend are both wrong. Women can definitely pee when they're aroused; only men have that whole "one tube" problem. So, in theory, it's totally possible for a gal to pee during orgasm.

What's more likely happening is that you have, on these two occasions, had what's called "female ejaculation." I prefer the term "squirt" since ejaculation, obviously, is a male process. Nobody's quite sure why it happens, but some women, when cumming, squirt out a lot of liquid that they insist is not urine.

Scientific priorities being what they are, I don't think anybody knows for sure that this liquid isn't urine and I don't know of any convincing research that has suggested what mysterious, non-urine substance is coming out of the urethras of these lucky ladies.

In terms of how much you're squirting, I invite you to Google "female ejaculation" for comparison. You'll get approximately 10,000,000 results.

I don't think it's embarrassing at all; I mean, it's never happened to me and I'm kind of a stickler for clean sheets but as long as you have enough quarters for laundry, it's no big deal. I think it's also one of those things that guys get all puffed up about, so let your boyfriend feel like he's R. Kelly for a minute. No harm done.

Love,
GTG

PS--Please write and tell us what vibrator you got!

What I'm Reading

Seriously, people, this blog is good. Read it.

This post, particularly.

A Fresh Perspective on the Mann Act

From TheRoot.com:

"From Jack Johnson to Eliot Spitzer"

Though primarily intended to fight prostitution, the Act substantially expanded the scope of the Federal Bureau of Investigation and soon became the starting point for a wide-range of cases, including many against consenting but unmarried couples. The first person prosecuted under the law was legendary boxer Jack Johnson.

Interesting stuff.

National Sex Threat Level ORANGE: Sexual activity causes STIs!

This is HPV. Are you terrified yet??

File this one under "OMFG, for real?!"
From CNN.com:

Study: 1 in 4 Teen Girls Has An STD

A choice tidbit:

The study by CDC researcher Dr. Sara Forhan is an analysis of nationally representative data on 838 girls who participated in a 2003-04 government health survey. Teens were tested for four infections: human papillomavirus, or HPV, which can cause cervical cancer and affected 18 percent of girls studied; chlamydia, which affected 4 percent; trichomoniasis, 2.5 percent; and herpes simplex virus, 2 percent.

One more time:

...nationally representative data on 838 girls...

As always, nationally representative data is nationally representative and we have to accept this research for good and bad; but come on, people--what this study actually means is that 25% of 838 girls (for the math-ally challenged, that's 209.5 girls) had an STD. They don't call them "sexually transmitted infections" for nothing. Obviously abstinence isn't hot right now.

I think it's time we stopped freaking out about STIs. With the exception of HIV, they are not deadly and most amount to a treatable, often curable infection that cause symptoms little worse than strep throat or the chicken pox save for the irrefutable evidence they provide that *Gasp!* young people are having sex.

Thanks to L, D, and everyone else who thoughtfully sent this my way.

Breaking news: NY Governor Spitzer Involved in Prostitution Ring!

Holy $hit! All I can say. Stay tuned for the press conference and, presumably, the resignation announcement this afternoon. Yikes.
From the New York Times:
Spitzer Is Linked to Prostitution Ring

Ridiculous anti-gay nonsense out of Oklahoma

Oklahoma State Representative Sally Kern

This sort of thing isn't what I normally cover here on GTG, but I found this on Pandagon and couldn't resist reposting it.

"Oklahoma Insane Anti-Gay Tirade By State Representative"

Some tidbits:

Studies show, no society that has totally embraced homosexuality has lasted for more than, you know, a few decades. . .

I honestly think it’s the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism or Islam.

They want to get them into the government schools so they can indoctrinate them.

…They are going after our young children, as young as two years of age, to try to teach them that the homosexual lifestyle is an acceptable lifestyle.

You know, gays are infiltrating city councils…did you know that the city council of Eureka Springs is now controlled by gays — they are winning elections.

One of my colleagues said We don’t have a gay problem in our community…well you know what, that is so dumb. If you have cancer in your little toe, do you just say that I’m going to forget about it since the rest of you is fine? It spreads! This stuff is deadly and it is spreading. It will destroy our young people and it will destroy this nation.

Why not send her an email?
Oklahoma State Rep. Sally Kern (sallykern@okhouse.gov)

It's official: Erectile Dysfunction is a Sign of Heart Trouble

"First Come Erectile Ills, Then Heart Troubles," from today's New York Times.
I know that this article skews a little old for my regular readers, but hey--when the Times publishes and article about sex, I pay attention.

And with a gold-mine quote like this, how could I resist?

“The penis is the dipstick of the body’s health,” said Dr. Harry Fisch, director of the Male Reproductive Center at Columbia University Medical Center of New York Presbyterian Hospital.

I hope Dr. Fisch knows how clever he is. It's not every day someone makes such a meta-hilarious comment about the penis and its literal--and figurative--role in the body's health.

Comeback of the year: Kels supports Hillz!

Hillz puts the reporterbitches in their place.

Following last night's election R. Kelly reportedly made a congratulatory call to his close pal Hills, and gifted her with this set of lyrics to his hit comeback song, "Rollin." You might remember his lyrics about the Larry Craig scandal, also posted here exclusively.

Hillz! I'm back Niggas [Cablenews reporters]
What?
Ya’ll thought I was gone? [didn't have enough delegates?]
Nope!!

When I was down you bitches didn’t want to be my friends (rollin) [Who gives a fuck about those tiny bitch democratic primaries?]
And now I’m rollin all you bitches wanna hop in [Texas and Ohio and Rhode MotherFuckin' Island, bitches!]
Rollin
I’m going toot toot, beep beep [ghostridin' on highway 35 in Austin]
Pulling up on them wheels now [on my Secret Service limo]
All black on body got it shining much like a seal now [seriously]
And a shoty much like a seal now [the presidential seal]
Got them cars in my garage [limos, people]
No less than a mil now [35 mil raised in the last month, to be precise]
Hillz about to take the bar [number of delegates won]
And I’mma set it real high [like, so high I can't be beat]
Double take, double take [like how I doubled up on Ohio and Texas, bitches]
When I roll up to the club
Players hate, players hate [CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, why y'all hatin?]
Players hate, players hate [Chris Matthews, what do you know about pimpin'?]
When I walk up in the club [White House]
I got them shades on doing about 75 [reading glasses]
Just call me speed racer cause I’m rollin in at mach 5 [more like 35 in my black armored 'Scalade]
Ya’ll niggas ain't fucking with me [seriously, you're not]
And I put a mil on it [35 mil raised in the last month, to be exact]
Niggas and bitches they lie [fuck the newsmedia]
But home boy them stats don’t [superdelegates, Florida, Michigan]
R & B Boss/Hussling like Rick Ross/Man my flow is so raw/
So niggas don’t piss me off [reporters, I will continue to put yo asses in the men's room]
I’m a player homie and that’s a well known factor [hello? Latino voter strategy?]
Plus the wheels on that coup got it looking like a tractor [I am from Arkansas, after all]

Hello from Sexas!

Hi readers-
Sorry to have been so out of touch. I've moved to Austin, Texas (start packing your bags...it's awesome) so I've been hella busy. Here's a little tidbit to get you started (thanks, Sara).

Sexual Incompatibility Troubles Marriages

And while you're clicking links, take a look at Austin's friendly hometown sex toy store, Forbidden Fruit. You might recognize them from the Dildo Diaries documentary.

More to come!
Love,
GTG