Not Just for Teenagers Anymore: The Handjob

These sexy black gloves come in sizes XS-XL and will keep STI germs off your body.

Dear Go-To Girl,

I have genital herpes and when I have an outbreak, I have the hardest time getting over feeling "infected" and pleasuring my boyfriend. Obviously we can't have sex, and I can't stand dental dams. What the hell should we do to each other?

Love,

Helen

Dear Helen,

Congratulations! You're at the point where you're smart enough to know that you really, really shouldn't have sex when you have a herpes outbreak. You're officially an adult. I've got good news for you: handjobs are not the clumsy, long-nailed disaster that you remember from the summer after 8th grade.

If you're a regular reader, chances are you already own a copy of The Guide to Getting it On, so get it out and flip to page 123.

If this is you: "Handjobs? Seriously?" consider this:

"Hopefully, by the end of this chapter you will be thinking, 'Any girl can give him a blow job, but I'm the only one who can give him a handjob that makes him want me more than he's ever wanted any woman." (page 123)

Legally, I can't print much more of the book here but here are a few basics:

1. Buy lube (he might not like it or need it, but have it on hand just in case)

2. Cut (and file) your goddamn fingernails

3. Surprise him somewhere--the kitchen, a movie theater, in the car

And if you don't have kleenex handy, use your mouth.

Q: Help! I've never had an orgasm; A: Masturbation Week to the Rescue!

The vibrating cock ring is your friend.

Dear Go-To Girl,

I've never been able to masturbate, meaning that touching myself doesn't set off any physical reaction. Well, now that I've been having intercourse (vaginal and otherwise), I can't orgasm. Having never done so before, I can't tell for sure that I've ever been close, but the times I thought I was I can count on my fingers.

I'm very frustrated, and sex has become a source of some tension for me. It seems like it's so easy for everyone else to Orgasm, and I just can't. I find myself wanting to have sex less often, because my partner will orgasm, and I won't.

Can you help?

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

First things first--it is a myth that sex without orgasm is 'bad sex' or 'not quite there sex.' Not everyone--male or female--has orgasms ever, much less regularly. So if you're concerned about whether you fit into the box of what female sexual response should be, throw that box out the fucking window. If you enjoy sex the way you have it and you feel pleasure, you don't need to put yourself under pressure to have an orgasm.

But if you want to have an orgasm during sex, then you absolutely need to have one on your own, when you're alone, when you're not feeling pressure to produce one to validate the sex you're having with your boyfriend.

First, invest in a good vibrator (see yesterday's post) and some erotica or porn that you like. Once you get some stuff you like (if you want printed erotica, try the penthouse letters series, which you can get at any Barnes & Noble or Borders), get some time by yourself when you won't be distracted and let yourself get turned on.

In terms of physical response, you might feel some heat in your area, you might start to get wet, or you might even feel what seems like cramps around your vagina (this is the result of blood rushing to the area; it's nothing to be scared of). Use the vibrator on your clitoris and other parts of your vulva to see what feels good. Some people really like direct clitoral stimulation and some don't. Hopefully practicing with a vibrator will help you get close.

When you feel comfortable using your vibrator, try using it on your clitoris when you're having sex with your boyfriend. He can also get a cock ring that has a little vibrator on it so that you can stimulate your clit during sex without having to hold something in your hand. You can get them at the drugstore in the condom section.

So...hopefully that will help you get started.

To recap:
1. buy some erotica/porn
2. buy a vibrator
3. read/watch and masturbate
4. repeat

*If, by any chance, you are taking certain types of antidepressants, orgasm will be virtually impossible. Read more about that here.

Welcome to Masturbation Week!

No, this isn't me. (but it sure does kinda look like me...)

In keeping with the tradition of answering lingering fishbowl questions, I've decided to take the fishbowl theme of masturbation and bring it to the blog for the whole week.

Here we go!

Q: Do you have any sex toys?

A: Dear God, yes. I have multiple tiers of sex toys: those that are in regular, day-to-day rotation, those that are relaxing-evening-at-home toys, and those that I've tried, rejected, and are just laying around taking up space in my giant walk-in closet.

You can see reviews of toys I've written and posted here.

In Go-To Girl's own arsenal are the following:

Regular Rotation:


The Babeland Silver Bullet. Cheap, powerful, and versatile, this bullet is a stand-by. At the bargain price of $15 I've been happy to replace it as necessary--once a year or so.


O'My Natural Lubricant. Not my favorite lube for anal (see Maximus) but generally good all around; not too thin, doesn't taste gross or smell bad. Lube, obviously, is a must. And the pump top and the pretty bottle make it both convenient (believe me--when you're at the moment that you need lube, you don't want to bother unscrewing a top) and discreet (for when you forget to put it away when your friends/family are coming to spend the night).


Occasional:


The Dynamic Duo Bullet is just like the regular bullet, except it has two bullets for double the fun.


Tex. Best. Dildo. Ever. $96 and worth every fucking penny. It's silicone so it can be heated up or cooled down and is sterilizable.


Cock rings. They come with the harness but sometimes they come in really handy.


The Tantus Ryder butt plug. Totally awesome. Silicone and sterilizable.


The Tantus Silk dildo. Silicone and sterilizable.


Sportsheets Velvet Harness. For dildos. Machine-washable.


Smart Balls. These are new so I'm not entirely sure that I like them yet. But they're supposed to strengthen your muscles and stuff.

Practically in the Trash:

The Ideal which is incredibly loud and super-powerful. Really, it's just better as a massager. A back massager.


The Cone. I just can't figure this thing out.

Paraclitoridienne: Thanks, Genetic Lottery!

My dedicated readers know that I only read books about sex. This morning I was reading Bonk, by Mary Roach (a gift from J), and came across the following totally remarkable paragraph:

"If the distance is less than the width of your thumb, you are likely to come." This catchy anatomical ditty was penned not by Marie Bonaparte, but by Kim Wallen, an Emory University professor of behavioral neuroendocrinology...Vaginal-clitoral distances, he said, turned out to perfectly predict which women would have orgasms in intercourse and which wouldn't. The cut-off point, as Bonaparte had noted, lay at around an inch--the width of a typical thumb. (p.68)

Translation: If your clitoris is less than an inch from the opening of your vagina, you're significantly more likely to have an orgasm during sex cos that penis will, presumably, rub up against your clit.

The nice French-y word for this physiological state? Paraclitoridienne.

Other interesting details?

"Shorter women tend to have shorter spans [between clitoris and vagina]."

"Women with small breasts seem more likely to have shorter distances." (p.79)

This information has absolutely no use other than to explain why some women can have orgasms so easily and most cannot; but there's nothing to be done about the location of one's clitoris so...thanks, genetic lottery. For the other 80% of women, why not invest in a vibrating cock ring?

In Honor of the White Party

R. Kelly Step In The Name Of Love
Uploaded by carmlo01

Orgasmic Birth Movie Trailer

Really! Thanks to I for the tip on this. I don't normally talk about what happens if birth control fails (pregnancy, childbirth, screaming brats, whambulances, etc.) here on GTG, but this new documentary about the "sensuous...ecstatic release of childbirth" seemed to cross genres and be appropriate to mention here.

I'm all about homebirth, midwives, and so on and this makes it seem even cooler. Fuck you, medicalized commodified hospital childbirth!

Vasectomy: Long-Term Birth Control for Men?

Vasectomy has been on the brain a lot the last few weeks for a couple of reasons. First, Quaker Earthcare Witness has a program called "Men for Men" that provides financial assistance to men who are either members or regular attenders at a Quaker meeting and want to "permanently end their fertility."

I picked up a copy of their brochure at Gathering and was both excited that QEW has started this program and dismayed that, despite Quakers' concern for overpopulation, Quaker overpopulation is not, in fact, a problem.

Next came this article in the Times about vasectomy and how easy, fast, and effective it is.

On the highways between Austin and Houston you see billboard after billboard that say "VASECTOMY REVERSAL!!!" with an 800 number to call. Nobody seems to be willing to talk about whether or how vasectomy could be used as long-term birth control for men. I know that it is not physician practice to tell men patients that they can plan on a reversal in the future. But if vasectomy reversal is increasingly effective, why not?

A Google Scholar search gave me a couple of abstracts that said that pregnancy rates after vasectomy reversal ranged from about 40% to 60%, depending a lot on the age of the man's woman partner. Forty to 60% is way higher than other fertility treatments, so while it's not a guarantee of pregnancy, the chances are pretty good.

In terms of cost, a vasectomy costs about $500 and the reversal about $5000, so if, say, an 18 year old gets a vasectomy and then a reversal at 28 when he's ready to get a lady pregnant, the per month cost is about $45--just about the same cost as a month of the Nuva Ring or Yasmin.

So why are we so nervous about encouraging vasectomy as a reversible method of birth control? I've seen guys go pale in the face at the mere mention of vasectomy. Considering the parity in cost and the relatively low risks involved, I think it might be time for you guys out there to start thinking about vasectomy.

C'mon, it won't hurt a bit.

More Good News in Sex: Jesse Helms is Dead!

Good Summer News: Watermelon Helps Hard-Ons!

Via Discovery News, is the best summer food-related news I've heard all month.

"Arginine boosts nitric oxide, which relaxes blood vessels, the same basic effect that Viagra has, to treat erectile dysfunction and maybe even prevent it," said Bhimu Patil, a researcher and director of Texas A&M's Fruit and Vegetable Improvement Center.

"Fruit and Vegetable Improvement Center"? That sounds like a fancy way of saying "Genetic Modification" to me. Maybe they've actually just bred Viagra into these watermelons?

Vacation Over. Back to the Grindstone.

Go-To Girl has a new friend! Peterson Toscano is the co-founder of BeyondExGay.com, a web community for people who have survived "gay conversion" therapies or programs.

Last week I met Peterson and got ahold of a copy of his now-retired play, Doin' Time at the Homo No-Mo Halfway House. After performing the show around the world for 5 years, Peterson retired it early in 2008.

The one-man show documents, in 7 characters, Peterson's own experience in various ex-gay ministries in his desperate attempt to not be gay.

Peterson is super cool and the show is hilarious. Two dildos up!

Book Review: It's Called A Breakup Cause It's Broken

My advice to those who come to me with questions about their relationships is, perhaps too often, "Break up!" Whether the question is, "Is having a threesome with my boyfriend a good way to put the spark back into our sex life? (by the way, we're 20)*" or "My boyfriend, who I want to marry, hates performing oral sex on me. Is that bad?" I usually draw a line in the sand and say, "Dump the motherfucker already!" (Thanks, Dan)

As a documented fan of He's Just Not That Into You, I eagerly read It's Called A Breakup Cause It's Broken, looking forward to more of author Greg Behrendt's harsh, "this is what the guys never tell you" wit.

Just like HJNTIY, ICABCIB is pure gold for the first 80 pages or so. He and wife Amiira write about the different stages of breakups in a way I've not seen before. There's the obvious "He told me he wants to break up" scenarios and then the less obvious "He hasn't told you yet, but he's being an asshole so you'll break up with him, and that means he's broken up with you."

They include "Psycho Confessional" and Q & A from readers that, sadly, most readers would identify with.

The second half of the book is about how to do a "Breakover" and make yourself into the "SuperFox" you really are. I couldn't be bothered to read that part, so I can't tell you how it ends. But the beginning is harsh advice that, just like HJNTIY, everyone--male or female, straight, gay, or queer--should read.

And, for the love of G-d, DTMFA!


*For the record, if you're 20 and you find yourself in need of a "spark" in your relationship, DTMFA!!! At your age, it should be all spark, no relationship.

Book Review: She Comes First: I came. I read. I puked.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Oral Sex Week, Part 3: The Conflict Continues

The privileges of being on GTG's GoogleChat list:

Monica: I have some news on the going dtown front.. too

me: ohh!
let's hear it

Monica: Working at work!

me: i know
it's novel

4:53 PM Monica: He said it makes him gag

me: oh give me a break

Monica: he is able to control it

me: like having a cock in your mouth doesn't make a girl gag?

Monica: but its hard for him
and I laughed
said exactly that

me: you should remind him that the gag reflex is actually inside the throast
not on the tongue

Monica: he did attempt to go down on me
4:54 PM after our chat
but it was short and not great

me: well, i can guarantee you that you can look forward to a relationship w/o cunnilingus

Monica: But damn the sex was good
I know

me: that wouldn't be tolerable to me

Monica: There is not a single thing I would change about him

me: but it's your call

4:55 PM Monica: except for that
I know
He is making an effort
4:56 PM kinda cracks me up

me: sounds like he's making an effort to get you to say,
'don't worry about it'

Monica: hahahah
Maybe I should be more forcefull
4:57 PM really ask him to work on it

me: i think it's fair

Monica: that its important for our sex life

me: as dan savage says, oral sex comes standard
and any model that comes without it should be returned to the lot

Okay, gang. Really. Oral comes standard. Any make or model that comes without it should be returned to the showroom.

Biostatistics and Journalism 101: The Gloucester Pregnancy "Pact"

Thanks to M, S, and L who all sent me links to this Time article about the alleged "pregnancy boom" at Gloucester High in Massachussetts.

I want everyone to take a deep breath here. Now, let's all do some math.

There are 1200 students at this school. For the sake of argument, let's say that 50% of them are female. So that gives us 17 pregnancies for 600 students. Get out your calculators:

17/600 = 0.0028

To calculate the number of pregnancies per 1000 people, we multiply that 0.0028 by 1000 and, viola, we have a pregnancy rate of 28.33 per 1000 women. Sound high?

According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, which publishes statistics on teen sex and pregnancy, 28 per 1000 is 16 prengancies lower than the lowest state prengancy rate in the nation (North Dakota, with 42 per 1000 teen women aged 15-19).

Now I'm no expert, but that doesn't much sound like a "pregnancy outbreak" to me, which is what CNN called it in a news story this morning. And the alleged "pact" the girls made? The school's principal, Joseph Sullivan, claimed on CNN that "nearly half" of the pregnancies were planned.

What's actually fueling this story, I imagine, is revealed in the shots of the Gloucester Daily Times that the CNN story shows: health education funding has been cut at Gloucester High, and the school's board will vote this fall on whether to provide contraception in its school clinic.

I'm all for health education (as long as it's not abstinence-based) and school-provided contraception, but shame on CNN for being total navel-gazers on this story and not, say, checking around for real pregnancy statistics. This is not, in fact, an outbreak. And the "pact"? Here's a quote from the original Gloucester Daily Times story:

To get to the bottom of the problem, Sullivan investigated and came up with a startling revelation: According to his conversations with upperclassmen, some younger students may be becoming pregnant on purpose.

Kim Daly, nurse practitioner for the high school, was unable to confirm specifics but did say that the majority of students reporting pregnancies this school year were in the younger grades.

Let's get this straight: nobody, not the principal or the nurse practitioner (who, I assume, actually did those pregnancy tests), has spoken to a single girl who has participated in this "pregnancy pact." The only information that even suggests a pact are the principal's conversations with upperclassmen--who, last time I checked, were not "in the younger grades."

Way to go, CNN. This is some of the clumsiest journalism I've ever seen. I don't believe this "pact" bullshit for a second.

Q: Where is my coffee? A: No, seriously, where is it?

Obviously, readers, coffee is not something I ordinarily write about here on Go-To Girl. But this brand-spanking new study published in the Annals of Internal Medicine that has shown that:

While accounting for other risk factors, such as body size, smoking, diet, and specific diseases, the researchers found that people who drank more coffee were less likely to die during the follow-up period (1980 to 2004 for women and 1986 to 2004 for men). This was mainly because of a lower risk for heart disease deaths among coffee drinkers.

Today's post is brought to you by coffee. Now...where is my coffee? No, seriously, where is it?

Q: Why am I losing my hard-on? A: You're putting pain-killers on it

Dear Go-To Girl,

I'm in a relatively new relationship and my girlfriend and I have tried twice to have sex. Both times once I put a condom on, I lost my erection. I'm using these condoms by Trojan; the wrapper is green. Do I need a Magnum?

Jack

Dear Jack,

Sometimes guys really do need a Magnum because the condom they put on is too tight at the base and they lose their erection. Not to diminish the possibility that you have a huge cock, but the green-wrapped Trojan you're talking about is the "Extended Pleasure" model, which says right on the box that it contains a "male genital desensitizer."

That desensitizer is no other chemical than benzocaine, the dental anesthetic. Using an Extended Pleasure condom is like spraying Chloraseptic on your dick.

So throw those condoms in the trash and get yourself some nice Kimono Type E's.

GTG

Do Humans Have Sex like Chimps?

No, these aren't chimps. But Bonobos are so cute!

I'm usually skeptical of evolutionary fuckology because human scientists have done such a bang-up job over time of applying our own social context onto animal societies and then used our interpretation of their behavior to support gender roles and behaviors in humans. But I'm not gonna lie, but this article in the New York Times reminds me a bit of the college fuck behavior I observe [from a distance!!!] every day.

Chimps are particularly likely to be silent and conceal their liaisons when higher-ranking females are nearby. They were most acoustically exuberant when cavorting with a high-ranking male.

The reason may be that other higher-ranking males are likely to be around, too, and by advertising her availability to them a female chimp may gain many influential protectors for her future infant.

The calculus changes when higher-ranking females are around because they are likely to attack the caller and break up the fun.

Sound familiar?

There's more:

“I can imagine that these sort of signals [in humans] may still be very much perceived by other group members and give a female a high degree of control over her willingness to copulate or let others know her sexual state,” said Dr. Zuberbühler, also of the University of St. Andrews.

“If she was truly interested in meeting with the best males, [a female chimp] should do all her calling during that narrow window when it matters,” Dr. Zuberbühler said. “But she doesn’t. She conceals the time of ovulation by calling throughout her cycle.”

Humans might not signal sexual availability through a clearly recognizable body change, but women definitely have ways of demonstrating interest. Like by wearing "True Love Waits" sweatpants.

Oral Sex Week, Part 2

Monica: My future husband just doesn't seem to like giving oral sex me: uh oh
Monica: we have been open talked about it
and he makes alot of effort
but his dislike comes out in his effort
we have a ridiculous sex life
amazing in every other way
what to do?
me: how does his dislike come out?
gagging?
Monica: hahaha
No more in a begrudging attitude
me: like, 'well, okay, i'll go down on you'?
Monica: yes

I've heard a lot of this lately: girls that just loooove giving blowjobs and somehow wind up with a boyfriend who, at best, begrudgingly goes downtown. I can understand this in the abstract because of ye olde argument that giving a good blowjob is an exercise in "power" and whatever. Why the converse isn't true for dudes, I'm not sure.

Of course there are guys like Dr. Ian Kerner, who just can't wrap their mouth around enough pussy. I'm reading his book, She Comes First, right now and his love for poon really comes through. It's good advice for anybody who's really motivated to make oral sex great, but I don't think it would convince those pussy-skeptics to really get into it.

Anonymous commenters, let's hear from you. I can understand that there are guys who might be, um, oriented away from oral sex but it just so happens that, in my sex life, those guys get oriented right back out the door.

Discuss.

Oral Sex Week, Part 1: Q: Why does my cum taste bad? A: Quit smoking!

Hey GTG
Sorry ahead of time, if I offend anyone...I'd much rather turn someone on than shake their tree of instilled values.
Have you heard about some supplement out of europe, for men and women, called 'the ropes' ?
Do you know if certain types of foods or 'new age supplements' like the ropes effect the way ones' cum tastes?
I am pretty excited about meeting you, here!
Ciao
Tyler

Dear Tyler,
I've read about "The Ropes" in what I imagine is the only publication read by dudes dumb enough to buy their product: Maxim. Not only do these herbal supplements never work, the reason cum looks all stringy in porn is because it's [supposedly] not cum at all but an external source of, say, hand cream, spurted out at the opportune moment.
In terms of the taste of cum, the things that are known to make it taste gross are nicotine (smoking affects the way your whole body tastes. yuck), alcohol, and asparagus. So if you're consuming any of those on a regular basis, try to give up smoking*.
After you've quit smoking, start drinking lots of water every day and eating fruit consistently. I've always heard a girl's tale about pineapple juice.
The herbal supplement you're talking about, SweetenZe, is a great way to blow $50 if you're looking for a way to lighten your wallet.
In conclusion: quit smoking and start chewing on pineapple to satisfy your oral fixation.
Love,
GTG

*I know quitting smoking is hard, but isn't the promise of more blow jobs worth it? The SweetenZe people promise "5 to 10 times more oral sex!!!!" and their product costs just about as much as Nicoderm.

R. Kelly Acquitted!!!

From CNN.com:

A Chicago jury has acquitted R. Kelly on all counts at his child pornography trial.

R. Kelly is accused of making a home sex video with an underage girl at his child pornography trial.

1 of 2 The verdict came six years after the R&B superstar was first charged with videotaping himself having sex with a young girl. Prosecutors had said she was as young as 13 at the time.

The Grammy award-winning singer dabbed his face with a handkerchief and hugged each of his four attorneys after the verdict was read. The singer had faced 15 years in prison if convicted.

Both Kelly and the now 23-year-old alleged victim had denied they were the ones appearing on the tape, which was played for the jury at the beginning and end of the trial.

P.S.: The Jury's Out on Kells

The jury has officially adjourned to deliberate in R. Kelly's child pornography trial, which means they finally get to watch the sex tape. I promise to let you know as soon as I hear about a verdict.

McCain: "I am a proud conservative liberal republican...what?"

Congratulations to conservatives for discovering custom condom printing. Obviously, we legitimate liberal sexual health people long knew of the availability of such services, but then again, we don't spend all our time denigrating condoms as ineffective.

I don't know who is putting out these McCain condoms, but the website is hilarious and I love the audio clips. Makes me look forward to the fall season of Saturday Night Live.

Happy Loving Day!

Happy Loving Day!

Today marks the anniversary of Loving v. Virginia, the court case that made interracial marriage legal in 1967. South Carolina and Alabama took their sweet time removing anti-mixed marriage laws from the books; they weren't taken out until 1998 and 2000, respectively.

Why not send someone a Happy Loving Day e-card? So much more meaningful than Valentine's Day.

Midnight Train to Swingtown

(By way of M & K in Florida)

For those of you who, like me, mourned the loss of the uber-hot, quiet but sensitive Jake the Bartender at the dramatic end of "Melrose Place," CBS has got a brand new bag: "Swingtown."

"Swingtown" tells the story of three couples, the Deckers, the Thompsons, and the main characters, the Millers. Susan and Bruce Miller are in transition from an old (read: conservative) neighborhood outside of Chicago to a new (read: 1970s) life in a bigger, more glamorous house.

The show opens with what looks like sexy, mustachioed pilot Tim (Grant Show) getting a blowjob in the cockpit; but, alas, the stewardess has just spilled coffee on his pants and is cleaning it up.

"Swingtown" follows these couples through the neighborhood manifestation of the wet and wild 1970s. The music is great, Grant Show is hot as all get out, and we have the first-ever primetime portrayal of swingers.

Watch the full episode at CBS.com.

As a totally kick-ass bonus, the website features full-length episodes of "Melrose Place" that are Jake-centric.

"Red Alert!" Teen Sex on the Rise

From the Washington Post (Thanks, T):
According to a new report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the (completely imagined) decline in teen sex has "leveled off." More alarming, condom use has also started to decline. The teen pregnancy prevention world is in a tizzy about this report.

Here's my grad school advisor on abstinence and condoms:

"Since we've started pushing abstinence, we have seen no change in the numbers on sexual activity," said John Santelli, chairman of the department of population and family health at Columbia University. "The other piece of it is: Abstinence education spends a good amount of time bashing condoms. So it's not surprising, if that's the message young people are getting, that we're seeing condom use start to decrease."

Sarah Brown, Chief of the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, offered this explanation:

"The truth is that, as a field, we really don't know what the answer is," Brown said. "There are lots of theories: the economy, classroom education, the messages kids are getting in the digital world where they spend their time. They probably all play a role."

The thing that nobody seems to realize or is afraid to admit to the Washington Post is that sex is fun. Teenagers can't even shop at K-Mart without being bombarded with the tired abstinence message; just look at these sweatpants.(Thanks, C)*

Let's hear from one of the abstinence pushers:

"Contraceptive sex education does not provide practical skills for maintaining or regaining abstinence but typically gives teens a green light to activity that puts them at great risk for acquiring STDs or which serve as gateway-to-intercourse activities," said Valerie Huber, executive director of the National Abstinence Education Association.

Valerie, you're goddamn right that comprehensive sex education doesn't give kids "practical skills for maintaining abstinence." And those "gateways to intercourse"? Normal people refer to those as "foreplay."

If I've said it once I've said it a million times: Kids aren't having sex because of abstinence education or comprehensive education; they're having sex because sex is fun. The end.

*After seeing a 12 year old girl here in Orlando wearing a pair of booty shorts that said, "Girls Make Boys Cry," I can understand the appeal of a pair of ass-message pants that say something not totally sexual, but come on.

What I'm Reading

Everyone knows I don't read books that aren't sex-related, and summer 2K8 is no exception. Here's a rundown of what I'm reading right now:

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships, by Tristan Taormino (author of the venerable Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women)

A full review of this book will be coming later, but this book, so far, is great. Tristan's writing style is clear, articulate, and focused and she's really done her homework by finding people all over the country that are in a rainbow's variety of relationships.
This book definitely gives monogamy a run for it's money.

Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex, by Mary Roach. (thanks for the gift, J!)

Mary Roach's book is a semi-historical look at 20th century sex researchers and the ways in which Science has been able to be more or less open over time about the kind of research it's doing. (Right now, we're in a "pretend it's psychology" phase, much like the 1940s) I don't think Roach likes Kinsey much, which, since he's my hero, makes me not love her. She's constantly referring to his missteps and why his career faltered like it's his own fault, not the result of a repressive 1950s environment and the increasing ballslessness of the Rockefeller Foundation, which had funded his work.

More sexy literature to follow.
Happy Summer!

Dum-Dum Alert: New Abstinence Group

Want a big mug of "WTF?!?" with your breakfast?
Watch this video, courtesy of the brand-spanking-new abstinence group Parents for Truth. They're a front group for the National Abstinence Education Association. Make sure you put on your critical reading glasses; everything they say on their website is a lie.

Happy Monday!

Kelly Trial Update: Anal is the New Threesome

Lest you believe the R. Kelly trial would be "speedy," in concordance with our dear Constitution, I'm sorry to report that the trial has been delayed, again. The prosecution's "star witness," who will reportedly testify that she had a threesome with Kelly and the allegedly underaged alleged victim on the tape, has been rescheduled for Monday.

First of all, who cares if they had a threesome? This supports my theory that this trial is not about child pornography or statutory rape but about dangling the sexual peccadilloes of an extremely forthcomingly sexual (and, by the way, black) star. White stars never seem to have trials in which their sexual tastes are paraded around to sway public opinion and juries. I don't recall the canon of sex tapes of white famous people (Paris, Pamela, Kim Kardashian, etc.) ever leading to charges, in spite of actually illegal activities like, say, drug use happening on the tape.

The prosecution is so mired in the past that they're mistaken if they think a threesome will convince the jury that, through whatever convoluted logic they'll use, R. Kelly was actually the guy on the tape. Threesomes are passe and, duh, there are only two people on the tape.

As it happens, the defense's "surprise" witness, the ex-boyfriend and baby daddy of the prosecution's star, will testify next week and looks an awful lot like R. Kelly. I'll venture to guess that he's going to testify that it's him on the tape, not Kells.

And, by the way, anal is the new threesome.

Memorialize This

From GQ's blog (via The Frisky), the editors and writers have created a Cosmo Kama Sutra-esque sampler of sex positions and rated them according to "fun for you" and "fun for her." Except that it seems nobody over there at GQ has ever had a conversation with a woman about whether or not they like the sex they're having, because their ratings are totally off.

Missionary, for instance, gets a "7" for him and a "3" for her. Newsflash guys: missionary isn't the old standby for naught. If you aren't inherently bad at sex, it's totally hot.

Next up: the Stand and Carry, which garners an "8" for her and a "5" for him. Are you fucking kidding me? They say "do NOT try this drunk" but I don't know why any sober person would bother using up all their energy and leg strength for this waste of time. Want to have sex standing up? I've got good news for you: that's what kitchen counters and washer/dryers were made for.



Thirdly, the Trapeze. I have no idea why the magazines continue to perpetuate the myth that head-to-foot sex is sexy. I've never encountered a penis that wanted to bend down that far. And putting my delicate face right next to boy feet? No thank you.


Last but not least: perpetual frat house favorite Doggy Style. Fun for him: 9. Fun for her: 6. Again--the girls that I know that are loyal to D.S. wouldn't rate this position a mere 6. Go-To Girl, on the other hand, gives it five yawns up.

So guys--why not fucking ask the girl you're fucking how she fucking likes to get fucked? Take a few sage words from my pal R. Kelly's sex epic "Ignition":

Jump up, down once I hit them switches, babe
And I'm about to take it where you wanna go, babe
Guarantee you I'm about to get some mileage, babe
And it won't be no runnin' out of gas, babe
When I hear you say {Green light} I'mma go
{Yellow light} Do it slow {Red light} I'mma stop
When I hear you say {Switch lanes} hit the signal
{Pit stop} Take a break, hit the hazards when we park

Thanks Kells, as always.

Q: How did you know it was Kells' body on the tape? A: "His head was attached to it"

No, really. The prosecutor asked witness Simha Jamison, whose task was to identify the girl in the video as her friend who was, allegedly, age 13 at the time of the taping, how she knew Kelly's body was that in the video. She responded:

"His head was attached to it."

Something, generally, is amiss in this trial, beyond the usual amiss-ness.
From the Chicago Tribune:

Upon viewing the tape, [police investigator Dan] Everett said he recognized the female on the tape because he had interviewed her as part of another investigation in 2000.He said he had been a part of an alleged investigation interview dating back to December 2000, at which point Judge Vincent Gaughan immediately stopped his testimony and asked the jury to leave.

Gaughan then erupted over the use of the word "investigation," having previously issued an order forbidding its use. Gaughan chastised the witness and the prosecution, reminding them that he had promised to grant a mistrial if that word were uttered during testimony.

"If they do it again, I certainly am going to grant a mistrial," Gaughan said. The issue was settled by the witness going on the record saying he was mistaken when characterizing the interview as an investigation.

Given that money changes hands--twice--during the tape, and that the cop has fessed to recognizing the girl from a "previous investigation," I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this tape is a fake, the girl is a prostitute, the cop recognizes her and the prosecution knows the whole thing is a sham.

Oh, and the Kelly defense rests on the fact that he has, apparently, a body-ful of moles and scars that don't match the dude on the tape. Too bad Johnnie Cochran is dead.

HIV: Still Bad

My old pals at Kaiser Family Foundation and MTV have come up with a "guess who has HIV?" web game. Check it out.

People featured on the site are a mixed bag of colors, ethnicities, and HIV statuses. The obvious message is, "You never know who might have HIV. It could be the white guy working at Bear Sterns or the Latino guy driving the subway." Etc.

Early Father's Day Treat

Even though Father's Day isn't until June 15th, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my Dad for not dragging me through the bullshit charade that is the father-daughter Purity Ball.

I'm on the record about abstinence, purity, pledging, and all of its assorted nonsense. But the "ownership" of a daughter's "honor" and "virginity" and "purity" is so revolting I can't stand it. It's merely a few steps away from honor killings for when she (almost) inevitably breaks the pledge.

The idea that a father would encourage his daughter to consider herself property, an object to be and in need of protection makes me want to hurl. Even worse is the way some of the fathers set up this drama to create accountability for their own purity. Don't sacrifice your daughters on the altar of "purity" because you can't stop watching internet porn.

I'm all for father-daughter bonding, but can't they go to a baseball game or get ice cream or something like regular people?

Again, thanks Dad!

Slate on Polygamy

William Saleton is right 99% of the time; this article is no exception. He writes:

In reality, most polygamist communities are authoritarian and push girls into marriage before they're old enough.

"Authoritarian" doesn't mean abusive; marriage of a girl under the age of 18 is in no way proof that she has been raped or abused. And, I assure you, there is no evidence whatsoever that any girl in the FLDS compound has been abused. Having a child before age 18 is not only not indicative of abuse, it's hardly uncommon. 36 out of every 1000 Texas girls under the age of 18 gives birth each year; nationally, it's only 21/1000.

The purpose of the article, though, is the legal status of polygamy; read up.

State of California v. The Porn Industry

According to CNN, California is again trying to penalize the use of pornography, this time by levying a 25% tax on strip clubs, videos, and websites. Yawn.

The talking head in the CNN segment rattles on and on about porn being bad, claims that "some divorce lawyers" attribute more than 50% of their divorce cases to pornography use. Pornography is also "killing our families and our society!!!" he shrieks.

The bill, AB 2914, was introduced by Assemblyman Charles Calderon. The bill also calls for an 8% tax, not a 25% tax as the CNN guy erroneously states.

Calling for the creation of the Adult Entertainment Venue Impact Fund, which the tax would pay for, the bill plans to use its monies to ameliorate the "Secondary effects" of adult venues. That means property taxes, law enforcement, and funding to address "mental health" and "disease transmission." The bill doesn't specify whether that money would go to people who work in the industry or those poor, poor divorcees who wouldn't tolerate their husband's porn habit.

Maybe they could compromise on some wife spanking.

Praise the Lord!: Bondage for Christians*

Thanks, D, for the tip.

You might want to get your Bibles out for this one. Don't have one? No worries. Go to Bible Gateway and search for the passage you want. Today we'll be talking about Ephesians. That's one of Paul's letters. The one he wrote to the Ephesians. What's that, you say? You didn't know that Paul never knew the living Christ? Neither do most people. Paul's letters written to a specific group of people and never intended to be dogma for billions of Christians worldwide? Yeah, I don't think so either. But I'm not here to give you perspective on the validity of Pauline doctrine.

Apparently hiding out there in the kinky shadows of Christendom is a group of guys and gals practicing Traditional Christian Marriage, which they interpret as inclusive of "Christian Domestic Discipline." Really.

Look, I'm not going to lie--this is nonconsensual Bondage and Discipline (the "BD" in "BDSM") and it makes me cringe. Both, when consensual, are totally fine but to have this type of relationship explicitly justified using Paul's word--and not the wife's--is unbelievable.

Hey Christians--if you want to get in to bondage, go for it. But using the Bible to justify it? Give me a fucking break. The only people who think that "submit" means "submissive" are people in the BDSM community. You oughta look them up.

The specific phrase in question from Ephesians is Chapter 5, 22-24:

22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

That's the only part of Ephesians most people know; but verse 21, which is usually left out, is:

21Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

So you want to bend your wife over your knee, give her a good spanking warm up, speak to her in a commanding tone, and then spank her occasionally for "maintenance"? Fucking go for it. But don't say the Bible tells you so, cos the reasoning just isn't in there. Nobody is suggesting the husbands submit to the wives, and that's the "word" as written.

Congratulations, Christians! You're kinky. Why not celebrate by giving your submissive wife the perfect gift: a pair of short and sassy pantaloons. By the way, they're crotchless. Guess that might come in handy sometime.



Maybe this is just a way of hiding consensual submissive relationships among Christians that, for social reasons, have to be justified using a Biblical overreach. Given the breadth of clearly erotic Christian Domestic Discipline fiction available for sale on the website, I'm led to think this is just another kink. Oh, well...All God's children have a place in the choir. Some sing lower...and some higher.

*for the record, I'm a Christian.

Q: How Do You Have Sex in India? A: With Ice!

Dear Go-To Girl,

So I met this guy that I'm totally crazy about and he's taking me with him to India for a work trip (!). I've never had sex that far from the U.S. of A--are there special precautions I need to take? Won't it be insanely hot?

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Among my many talents, I'm a published writer in the "Destination Wedding/Honeymoon" field. Don't ask. So I know where to look to find out how to have good, safe sex no matter where you are in the world.

First, the weather: Mumbai's climate is a lot like Texas; hot and humid. No big surprise there.

When traveling to a non-Western country, make sure you always take plenty of sex supplies--especially condoms and lube. You won't necessarily be able to find rubbers at all, and there's a very good chance that if you did find them, they would all be brands you had never seen before. So whether you like Magnums, Durexes, or Kimono Type E, take more than you think you'll need. And no, taking condoms with you doesn't mean you're expecting sex and it won't jinx you, either. Just put 'em in your cosmetics bag and take them with you anytime you travel.

To keep cool, make full use of that hotel bed (the sheets on which you don't have to change) and try out some ice play. Don't put any ice in your mouth (the water might not be safe) but on your skin it's A-Okay.

Safe travels!
Love,
GTG

West Virginians Agree: Girls Have a Vagina

In an historic defeat of the "Boys Have a Penis" platform, West Virginians voted resoundingly for Vaginas. Specifically, that girls have them.

10-10-50: The Hip-Hop Version

Thanks, M, for the tip on this.

If I've said it once I've said it a million times: 10 minutes is all you need. It's kind of a lot, actually.

Fuck You, Pam Stenzel

Any readers who are still in high school, please cover your eyes and ears. Pam Stenzel is a recipient of countless federal dollars as an "abstinence" speaker who comes to schools and threatens the shit out of teenagers by telling them outright lies about sex, birth control, and STIs.

If, after watching this video, you feel like you're taking crazy pills, you're not alone. But neither is Pam. There are tons of speakers like this whose sole job is to create doubt in the minds of teengers about the accuracy of information they receive from organizations like Planned Parenthood or, say, the American Medical Association.

Write to your Congressional rep or senator to tell them that you can't fucking believe that the federal fucking government is funding garbage like this.*

By way of The Frisky:


*the funding works like this: public schools receive funds directly (through Title V) that they can spend on outside speakers, like Pam. OR nonprofit organizations receive federal funds (through Community Based Abstinence Education [CBAE] grants) to provide these services for free to schools. see SIECUS for more.

Playboy Losing Money!

The first Playboy Centerfold. Yes, that's Marilyn.

As some of you well know (S, J, R, you were there) I am of the opinion that Alfred Kinsey and Hugh Hefner share the honor of starting the sexual revolution. Kinsey is my hero: Hefner is just...Hef.

Playboy's eulogy has been written more than once, usually after some overambitious project gone awry. After the 1970s gas crisis and the introduction of Japanese cars to the American market, that deluxe Playboy Club in Detroit probably seemed like a bad idea.

But according to the New York Times, Playboy Enterprises failed to turn a profit last quarter. The big news in this story is the segment of Playboy's empire that's dragging down the rest of the beast: Domestic television and publishing. That's the Playboy channel and, obviously, Playboy magazine.

Christie Hefner, Hugh's daughter and Playboy's chief, reassures investors that the brand has tremendous equity. But if your brand--which is based on the success of the first internationally available nudie magazine--fails to provide that which defined it, won't your brand eventually fail?

Having had a few decades of exposure to Playboy, I can tell you that the magazine has drifted far, far away from its original goal: to show the "girl next door" taking her shirt off. You know she's not the type, but just this once...

The girls in Playboy--including the famous ones--are indistinguishable from the porn starlets featured on the covers of Hustler, Penthouse Forum, and Cum Guzzling Cheerleaders IV.

The girls are airbrushed, the scenery has changed from outdoor vistas to velvet bedsteads, and except for the girls who insist they're "studying to be doctors" (but, suspiciously, just 19 years of age) there's not a chance in hell that they're the girl next door. Unless you happen to live at the Bunny Ranch.

I'm just so over this aesthetic. The constant sexualization of a single look makes porn boring--and that's what is making Playboy's profits fall. In the beginning, it provided something that was meaningful and unavailable elsewhere--but these days, you might as well just get Hustler. At least we know Larry Flynt is funding investigations of Republican sex scandals.

Questions they asked: "Why does it take so long for girls to have an orgasm?" A: Because you have no stamina.

So I made my first live, studio television appearance last night on a show called "Subtext." I'm still not quite clear how the technology part of the show works, but I got to sit on a couch with a guy named Sid and answer sex questions that viewers texted in to the screen.

And the one they always ask: "Why does it take girls so long to come?" I resisted the temptation to talk about "10-10-50" but I think I got my point across: warm your girl up. Take 10 minutes. The end.

I almost convinced the host to taste the Passionfruit Punch lube but then he punked out.

Q: What's Your Sexual Nationality? A: Buon Giorno. Italian, 90%

By way of The Frisky, Go-To Girl took this quiz this morning to determine my "sexual nationality." And I'm 90% Italian, and my "tips" from the makers of KY Touch are as follows:

Making love is a religious experience! Passion is everything. Merely holding hands with your loved one can move you to tears and you periodically set fire to your bed after sex as a sacrifice to the Gods of Love.

Isn't that sweet?

Take the quiz here.

Breaking News: R. Kelly Asks for Another Trial Delay!

My, how time flies! It seems just days ago that we here at GTG HQ started obsessively listening to "Double Up" and watching the new chapters of "Trapped in the Closet."

Last summer as I sweated out my last days in Brooklyn nearly every car that drove by had "I'm A Flirt" playing. I listened to Kells on the subway, at the beach, doing pushups, and sitting at that un-air conditioned coffee shop in Crown Heights, writing about HIV for BET.com. And yet here we are mere days away from jury selection in R. Kelly's child pornography trial.

But don't count your VIP chicks before they hatch: the trial of the century might be delayed--again! Kells' attorneys have filed a motion to delay the trial, for which jury selection was slated to begin this Friday.

From CNN.com:

When the trial gets under way, prosecutors will have a unique challenge: The alleged victim, now 23, says it wasn't her. And Kelly's attorneys -- including Ed Genson, who often represents the rich and famous -- haven't admitted it's Kelly in the video.

I admit to not having seen the video, and a quick Google Video search didn't turn up any results. Can anyone direct me to this sex tape that allegedly features R. Kelly allegedly peeing on a girl who is allegedly as young as 13? I feel like I oughta watch it.

Till then, here's the Chappelle's Show parody.

World's Least Desirable Men "Not Interested In Sex"

Middle-aged British men are, I'm sorry to say, among the most undesirable men on the planet so I'm not sorry that, according to UK counseling and sex therapy organization Relate, they're "just not interested in sex" once they hit middle age. I'm not ever interested in Brits (except you, A) so it's no loss for me, but I think this indicates the veracity of what the Christian Coalition has been saying for decades: there is a crisis in traditional marriage. And that crisis, my friends, is that marriage is fucking boring.

In all seriousness though, depression among men is the "silent epidemic" and anyone who's dated anyone with depression can tell you about how it obliterates sex drive. In men, alcohol or drug use often "hide" depression, and also contribute to a loss of sex drive. (And so, incidentally, does the medication to treat it)

My heart goes out to these guys--wanting to want to have sex has got to be the most depressing feeling of all.

PS--Is David Beckham middle-aged?

The Lifestyle Near You (and in Austin)

Swinging, people. Not just for swingers anymore.

A few months ago I read Skipping Towards Gomorrah, by my good (pretend) pal Dan Savage, and as part of his research into the kinks and sins of American guys and gals, he spends a few days with a swinger couple in Illinois. They're religious, Conservative Jews, they've got kids, and they swing. They're sickeningly in love but love to fuck other people.

Then a friend (hey there T--I hope you're reading) asked me to accompany him to Entre Nous, DC's only swing club, not as a fuck-date but as a beard since they don't let single guys in. That was an awkward conversation, let me tell you. But due to scheduling conflicts we never even made it to the club.

I've long had a hypothesis (probably started by that one episode of "Real Sex" that showed swinger summer camp [S, I know you remember this]) that swingers are actually really conservative because, hey, I'm super liberal and talk about sex with my super liberal friends all day, every day, and I've never even heard of anyone who's heard of anyone who's really a swinger. And since I haven't accepted any new Republican friends since November 2004, the math just adds up. But I'm speculating. Sorry, democrat swingers out there.

The thing about swinging is that, by all appearances, it's the anti-porn: people who are older, not porn-star hot, chubby, wrinkled, disabled, or whatever are all celebrated as equally sexual. There aren't many (read: any) venues in our culture that allow for and encourage sexual expression by people who don't fit into the norm of what's hot, and I think that's fantastic. It's nice to know that there's a model out there for sexuality after a certain age/size/beauty fade that isn't just about turning yourself completely off.

So to make up for never getting to Entre Nous with my pal T, I'm going to go to Allure, Austin's "Newest and Most Upscale Club." Single gals are welcome, but I think I'll try to recruit a male not-to-fuck-date to go along for protection. Surely I can rustle up a faux wedding ring somewhere.

I'll report back.
Love,
GTG

PS--find a club in your area, you dirty minded lifestylers. (K and P, I'm looking at you!)

Thanks, Scientists: Jerking Off Prevents Prostate Cancer!

But only if you do it a lot. According to this article in the Journal of the American Medical Association (that's JAMA, for short), "high ejaculatory frequency" was associated with a reduced risk of prostate cancer.

I realize that prostate cancer trends a little old for my regular readers, but, hey guys, preventive measures are more effective the earlier you start. You're welcome.

So how often is "high frequency"? 21 or more times per month--and the aforementioned ejaculation can result from masturbation, wet dreams, or good old fashioned fucking. The prostate doesn't care.

Now I hate to speculate, but the only major cable news network that covered this story was FOXNews.com, begging the question, "Do FOXNews viewers have lower ejaculatory frequency than CNN or MSNBC viewers?"

Or maybe Bill O'Reilly just covered the story so he could say "ejaculate" and "masturbation" on the air.

Dry Humping is the New Anal

Even though dry humping is, for the most part, relegated to the boarding school memory vortex, we'd sure do it to Jon Stewart if we had the chance. Meet me in the last piano practice room after collection!

And check out this new website, The Frisky.

President Bush Unveils New "Impotence Only" Sex Policy