Q: How Do You Have Sex in India? A: With Ice!

Dear Go-To Girl,

So I met this guy that I'm totally crazy about and he's taking me with him to India for a work trip (!). I've never had sex that far from the U.S. of A--are there special precautions I need to take? Won't it be insanely hot?

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Among my many talents, I'm a published writer in the "Destination Wedding/Honeymoon" field. Don't ask. So I know where to look to find out how to have good, safe sex no matter where you are in the world.

First, the weather: Mumbai's climate is a lot like Texas; hot and humid. No big surprise there.

When traveling to a non-Western country, make sure you always take plenty of sex supplies--especially condoms and lube. You won't necessarily be able to find rubbers at all, and there's a very good chance that if you did find them, they would all be brands you had never seen before. So whether you like Magnums, Durexes, or Kimono Type E, take more than you think you'll need. And no, taking condoms with you doesn't mean you're expecting sex and it won't jinx you, either. Just put 'em in your cosmetics bag and take them with you anytime you travel.

To keep cool, make full use of that hotel bed (the sheets on which you don't have to change) and try out some ice play. Don't put any ice in your mouth (the water might not be safe) but on your skin it's A-Okay.

Safe travels!
Love,
GTG

West Virginians Agree: Girls Have a Vagina

In an historic defeat of the "Boys Have a Penis" platform, West Virginians voted resoundingly for Vaginas. Specifically, that girls have them.

10-10-50: The Hip-Hop Version

Thanks, M, for the tip on this.

If I've said it once I've said it a million times: 10 minutes is all you need. It's kind of a lot, actually.

Fuck You, Pam Stenzel

Any readers who are still in high school, please cover your eyes and ears. Pam Stenzel is a recipient of countless federal dollars as an "abstinence" speaker who comes to schools and threatens the shit out of teenagers by telling them outright lies about sex, birth control, and STIs.

If, after watching this video, you feel like you're taking crazy pills, you're not alone. But neither is Pam. There are tons of speakers like this whose sole job is to create doubt in the minds of teengers about the accuracy of information they receive from organizations like Planned Parenthood or, say, the American Medical Association.

Write to your Congressional rep or senator to tell them that you can't fucking believe that the federal fucking government is funding garbage like this.*

By way of The Frisky:


*the funding works like this: public schools receive funds directly (through Title V) that they can spend on outside speakers, like Pam. OR nonprofit organizations receive federal funds (through Community Based Abstinence Education [CBAE] grants) to provide these services for free to schools. see SIECUS for more.

Playboy Losing Money!

The first Playboy Centerfold. Yes, that's Marilyn.

As some of you well know (S, J, R, you were there) I am of the opinion that Alfred Kinsey and Hugh Hefner share the honor of starting the sexual revolution. Kinsey is my hero: Hefner is just...Hef.

Playboy's eulogy has been written more than once, usually after some overambitious project gone awry. After the 1970s gas crisis and the introduction of Japanese cars to the American market, that deluxe Playboy Club in Detroit probably seemed like a bad idea.

But according to the New York Times, Playboy Enterprises failed to turn a profit last quarter. The big news in this story is the segment of Playboy's empire that's dragging down the rest of the beast: Domestic television and publishing. That's the Playboy channel and, obviously, Playboy magazine.

Christie Hefner, Hugh's daughter and Playboy's chief, reassures investors that the brand has tremendous equity. But if your brand--which is based on the success of the first internationally available nudie magazine--fails to provide that which defined it, won't your brand eventually fail?

Having had a few decades of exposure to Playboy, I can tell you that the magazine has drifted far, far away from its original goal: to show the "girl next door" taking her shirt off. You know she's not the type, but just this once...

The girls in Playboy--including the famous ones--are indistinguishable from the porn starlets featured on the covers of Hustler, Penthouse Forum, and Cum Guzzling Cheerleaders IV.

The girls are airbrushed, the scenery has changed from outdoor vistas to velvet bedsteads, and except for the girls who insist they're "studying to be doctors" (but, suspiciously, just 19 years of age) there's not a chance in hell that they're the girl next door. Unless you happen to live at the Bunny Ranch.

I'm just so over this aesthetic. The constant sexualization of a single look makes porn boring--and that's what is making Playboy's profits fall. In the beginning, it provided something that was meaningful and unavailable elsewhere--but these days, you might as well just get Hustler. At least we know Larry Flynt is funding investigations of Republican sex scandals.

Questions they asked: "Why does it take so long for girls to have an orgasm?" A: Because you have no stamina.

So I made my first live, studio television appearance last night on a show called "Subtext." I'm still not quite clear how the technology part of the show works, but I got to sit on a couch with a guy named Sid and answer sex questions that viewers texted in to the screen.

And the one they always ask: "Why does it take girls so long to come?" I resisted the temptation to talk about "10-10-50" but I think I got my point across: warm your girl up. Take 10 minutes. The end.

I almost convinced the host to taste the Passionfruit Punch lube but then he punked out.

Q: What's Your Sexual Nationality? A: Buon Giorno. Italian, 90%

By way of The Frisky, Go-To Girl took this quiz this morning to determine my "sexual nationality." And I'm 90% Italian, and my "tips" from the makers of KY Touch are as follows:

Making love is a religious experience! Passion is everything. Merely holding hands with your loved one can move you to tears and you periodically set fire to your bed after sex as a sacrifice to the Gods of Love.

Isn't that sweet?

Take the quiz here.

Breaking News: R. Kelly Asks for Another Trial Delay!

My, how time flies! It seems just days ago that we here at GTG HQ started obsessively listening to "Double Up" and watching the new chapters of "Trapped in the Closet."

Last summer as I sweated out my last days in Brooklyn nearly every car that drove by had "I'm A Flirt" playing. I listened to Kells on the subway, at the beach, doing pushups, and sitting at that un-air conditioned coffee shop in Crown Heights, writing about HIV for BET.com. And yet here we are mere days away from jury selection in R. Kelly's child pornography trial.

But don't count your VIP chicks before they hatch: the trial of the century might be delayed--again! Kells' attorneys have filed a motion to delay the trial, for which jury selection was slated to begin this Friday.

From CNN.com:

When the trial gets under way, prosecutors will have a unique challenge: The alleged victim, now 23, says it wasn't her. And Kelly's attorneys -- including Ed Genson, who often represents the rich and famous -- haven't admitted it's Kelly in the video.

I admit to not having seen the video, and a quick Google Video search didn't turn up any results. Can anyone direct me to this sex tape that allegedly features R. Kelly allegedly peeing on a girl who is allegedly as young as 13? I feel like I oughta watch it.

Till then, here's the Chappelle's Show parody.

World's Least Desirable Men "Not Interested In Sex"

Middle-aged British men are, I'm sorry to say, among the most undesirable men on the planet so I'm not sorry that, according to UK counseling and sex therapy organization Relate, they're "just not interested in sex" once they hit middle age. I'm not ever interested in Brits (except you, A) so it's no loss for me, but I think this indicates the veracity of what the Christian Coalition has been saying for decades: there is a crisis in traditional marriage. And that crisis, my friends, is that marriage is fucking boring.

In all seriousness though, depression among men is the "silent epidemic" and anyone who's dated anyone with depression can tell you about how it obliterates sex drive. In men, alcohol or drug use often "hide" depression, and also contribute to a loss of sex drive. (And so, incidentally, does the medication to treat it)

My heart goes out to these guys--wanting to want to have sex has got to be the most depressing feeling of all.

PS--Is David Beckham middle-aged?

The Lifestyle Near You (and in Austin)

Swinging, people. Not just for swingers anymore.

A few months ago I read Skipping Towards Gomorrah, by my good (pretend) pal Dan Savage, and as part of his research into the kinks and sins of American guys and gals, he spends a few days with a swinger couple in Illinois. They're religious, Conservative Jews, they've got kids, and they swing. They're sickeningly in love but love to fuck other people.

Then a friend (hey there T--I hope you're reading) asked me to accompany him to Entre Nous, DC's only swing club, not as a fuck-date but as a beard since they don't let single guys in. That was an awkward conversation, let me tell you. But due to scheduling conflicts we never even made it to the club.

I've long had a hypothesis (probably started by that one episode of "Real Sex" that showed swinger summer camp [S, I know you remember this]) that swingers are actually really conservative because, hey, I'm super liberal and talk about sex with my super liberal friends all day, every day, and I've never even heard of anyone who's heard of anyone who's really a swinger. And since I haven't accepted any new Republican friends since November 2004, the math just adds up. But I'm speculating. Sorry, democrat swingers out there.

The thing about swinging is that, by all appearances, it's the anti-porn: people who are older, not porn-star hot, chubby, wrinkled, disabled, or whatever are all celebrated as equally sexual. There aren't many (read: any) venues in our culture that allow for and encourage sexual expression by people who don't fit into the norm of what's hot, and I think that's fantastic. It's nice to know that there's a model out there for sexuality after a certain age/size/beauty fade that isn't just about turning yourself completely off.

So to make up for never getting to Entre Nous with my pal T, I'm going to go to Allure, Austin's "Newest and Most Upscale Club." Single gals are welcome, but I think I'll try to recruit a male not-to-fuck-date to go along for protection. Surely I can rustle up a faux wedding ring somewhere.

I'll report back.
Love,
GTG

PS--find a club in your area, you dirty minded lifestylers. (K and P, I'm looking at you!)

Thanks, Scientists: Jerking Off Prevents Prostate Cancer!

But only if you do it a lot. According to this article in the Journal of the American Medical Association (that's JAMA, for short), "high ejaculatory frequency" was associated with a reduced risk of prostate cancer.

I realize that prostate cancer trends a little old for my regular readers, but, hey guys, preventive measures are more effective the earlier you start. You're welcome.

So how often is "high frequency"? 21 or more times per month--and the aforementioned ejaculation can result from masturbation, wet dreams, or good old fashioned fucking. The prostate doesn't care.

Now I hate to speculate, but the only major cable news network that covered this story was FOXNews.com, begging the question, "Do FOXNews viewers have lower ejaculatory frequency than CNN or MSNBC viewers?"

Or maybe Bill O'Reilly just covered the story so he could say "ejaculate" and "masturbation" on the air.

Dry Humping is the New Anal

Even though dry humping is, for the most part, relegated to the boarding school memory vortex, we'd sure do it to Jon Stewart if we had the chance. Meet me in the last piano practice room after collection!

And check out this new website, The Frisky.

President Bush Unveils New "Impotence Only" Sex Policy

No Bikini this Season? Take a Nakation!

Go-To Girl has tussled with nudists before, and she cannot tell a lie: GTG is not comfortable being naked around people she is not imminently going to have sex with. Particularly men. Boxers or briefs, she doesn't care which--guys are so much more appealing in underwear than naked.

So imagine our surprise that the New York Times covered the rise in "nudist vacations," or, cleverly, "Nakations." Now we here at Go-To HQ are pro-rights and whatnot; a swinger vacay? Go for it! But a "nonsexual" naked vacation? Not so sure. Perhaps we're more prudish than we thought.

Activities included in these upscale nudie vacays:

Clothing-optional flights to a clothing-optional resort in the Baltics

Nude mountain biking (!)

Nude transcending of social class

Want to plan a nekkid vacation? Check out the American Association for Nude Recreation. And send us a postcard.

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times:

"Human trafficking" advocacy is about ending prostitution, not protecting women.

Q: Can Girls Get Blue Balls? A: Yes, Yes, YES

Dear Go-To Girl,

I've heard that old excuse from guys a million times about how it "hurts so much" if you don't "give them a little hand-job" and after you've "teased them all night" can't you just "keep me from getting blue balls"? But lo and behold, after hooking up with this guy last night and teasing (eachother) for hours, I had the most awful dull pain in my pelvis after he went home.

Is this girl blue balls? Is that possible?

Love,

Jennifer

Dear Jenn,

I know what you mean. I know a gal that, if she doesn't come, is overwhelmed with a feeling of, "If you don't get out of my room RIGHT NOW I am going to punch you in the face [with my vibrator]." But she's one of the 25% of women who actually regularly has an orgasm from sex so she knows what it feels like when she doesn't have one.

The short answer to your question is that yes, women can experience "blue balls." Some giant percentage of women don't have orgasms from vaginal sex anyway (and I'm sorry for that, ladies, really) so I think they probably don't identify any bad feelings after sex as related to not having an orgasm.

The pelvic area (and your vaginal and clitoral erectile tissue, specifically) fills up with blood when you're aroused, and having an orgasm releases that blood back into your body. If you don't come, it stays around and kind of slowly leaks out, which is what that achy feeling is.

As any guy will tell you, once the blue balls has set in, having an orgasm won't make it go away. So you've just gotta live with it.


And next time, play with your damn clit during sex. That's what it's there for.

Love,
GTG
PS-Get the fuck out of my room!

Point: Boys Have a Penis; Counterpoint: Girls Have a Vagina

Point:
"Boys Have a Penis," by Barack Obama

Hope, change, hope, change, hopechange. America!: I'm here today-uh to tell you an important truth about contemporary Americ-uh. For far too long bipartisan politics as usual in Washington have kept this hopetruth out of the hands of the American people who, as they demonstrated in South Carolina, Virginia, and some of the other small states I won, desperately want to know this truth.

Here it is.

Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.

Two hundred and twenty one years ago, in a hall that still stands across the street, a group of men gathered and, with these simple words, launched America's improbable experiment in democracy. Farmers and scholars; statesmen and patriots who had traveled across an ocean to escape tyranny and persecution finally made real their declaration of independence at a Philadelphia convention that lasted through the spring of 1787.

Every one of those men had a penis. None of them had a vagina.

Hopechange!



Counterpoint:
"Girls Have a Vagina," by Hillary Clinton

Good afternoon, America! Isn't this the most beautiful day? I hope you're holding on to your seats, because I've got a 45 minute speech here all about healthcare reform. I'm sure many of you in the audience have struggled with your health or--for some of you--your insurance company at some point in your lives. Americans are fed up with our overblown national spending on healthcare. Our present system is outdated, ineffective, and unsustainable.

But there is good news, America. We are Americans! We can solve problems! We just need to roll up our sleeves and get to work! It's what we do best! There is one key to our success, and I'm holding it: girls have a vagina.

Yes, America, certain other candidates in this race don't want you to know--they're going on and on about delegates and superdelegates and taking the vote away from Florida and Michigan, but I will promise you today that I will never renounce my position on this issue:

Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.

That's change we can use.

Eureka!

For those of you who aren't trying to sound conceited or anything but just, you know, find Magnums more comfortable but don't like that paper bag on your cock feeling, I have amazing news: Trojan Magnum is now available in THIN!

I'll get on the horn and see if I can't get a box of these guys to try out. I was a fan of the Ultra Thins back before I discovered the Kimono Type E, so I'm sure these are great for those guys who, you know, just find the Magnum more comfortable.

BREAKING NEWS: New R. Kelly Album to Drop this Summer

Chi-Town, People

For those of you (and/or me) for whom 2007's "Double Up" was not nearly enough R. Kelly to last 14 calendar months, fear not: Kels' new album, "12 Play: Fourth Quarter" will drop this summer.

According to Billboard, the first single, "Hair Braider," will debut at #1 on this week's Hot R & B/Hip Hop chart.

Considering Kels' increasingly complicated hair braids over the years, I can only imagine that he has a lot to say about his intimate relationship with the lady(ies) who do his hair. It looks as though he's gone platinum for this new album.

I promise to listen to this song as soon as possible so you don't have to.

Snake Oil Alert: This is not 10-10-50

Okay, guys, don't be taken in by this. A professional wrestler-cum-Fox News financial commentator has "invented" a sexual stamina beverage.

Mr. Layfield...enjoyed a successful run as a professional wrestler before reinventing himself as a financial whiz and beverage impresario.

He's also from Texas. And this is his reason for making the normally boozy drink okay for underage guys:

“Show me an 18-year-old guy who doesn’t want to be a sexual tyrannosaurus,” he said.

I mean, tyrannosaurus? I realize that we here in Texas don't have the best primary school education but I don't think of "Long, Hard, Hot, and most importantly Long" when I think of Mr. T. Rex. I think of overly aggressive, loud, blows his load right away, and giant teeth. I don't think "carnivore" means "likes to eat pussy." And those tiny little hands!

And at $23.99 a 6-pack, why not just buy some weed?

One of These Things is Not Like the Other

Sheriff-cum-pimp Mike Burgess.

Really? I mean, really? You've got to be fucking kidding me. This douchebag traded leniency in sentencing for female prisoners in exchange for sexual favors. The media is calling it "sex slavery" which I suppose, since they were in custody, makes sense--but it also raises some of those old nagging questions about the difference between sex slavery/human trafficking and prostitution. (Hint: in one scenario, women are agents and in the other they are paternalistically protected by law enforcement because they have made no choices. Both are about persecuting prostitutes.)

Apparently, if convicted of all counts, he could be sentenced to 467 years in prison. But he oughta get along just fine in jail; if he plays his cards right, he could get all the free blowjobs he wants.

Anyhoo, this is a great way to start the weekend. I've just been inundated with cowboy hats this week. Must be all that Queer As Folk I've been watching. I don't know what this says about me, but Brian Kinney is just unbelievably hot. I'm no fag hag, but damn.

What I'm Reading

It's been a while since I've done one of these and Go-To Girl's got two great books on her bedside table.



First up: Forbidden Fruit: Sex and Religion in the Lives of American Teenagers, by GTG's new pal Mark Regnerus. This book is so popular that GTG had to be put on the wait list for it at the library and only got to check it out for a week. So Mark graciously gave me a signed copy. I haven't finished it yet, so I can't tell you how it ends but chapters 1-4 are un-put-downable. At least, for me and the 5 other people in America who care about sex and religion in the lives of American teenagers (Tiffany, I'm looking at you). But really, it's fascinating. Not mind-numbingly scholarly at all.

The good news for sex is that religion doesn't really seem to make much difference for the vast majority of teenagers; there's a small number of the "truly devout" who actually--gasp--wait til marriage and, I assume, each other. I think the number of people I've ever met in my life who actually waited til marriage (or intend to) is exactly two.

Here's the big question: does God reward those who wait until marriage by making the ordinarily brief and awkward First Time not weird and painful but instead long, hot, and...well, worth waiting for?

Hopefully that'll be in the next book.



Secondly: Couples, by John Updike. I don't remember where I read about this book; perhaps somewhere in the Eliot Spitzer scandal. Couples details the lives of suburban swinger couples and was published in 1968. It's not about the freaky deaky free love sixties, but the "it's practically still the fifties" early sixties. Not a one-handed read or anything, but it sure is interesting to think about this book being traded around amongst housewives in Brookline.

Though Updike's portrayal isn't all sex and roses, the inclusion of swinging does make suburban mom-and-dad-plus-two life sound slightly more tolerable. I wonder if the couples in the book waited until marriage.

That's all for now.
Happy reading!
Love,
GTG

This is a toughie: Teacher-Sex-Scandals

(Hot For) Math Teacher Stephanie Ragusa

So, surprise, another teacher has been busted for having sex with an underage male student. I mean, whatevs. But the difference between Stephanie Ragusa and Mary Kay LeTourneau is that MKT was in love with her student/lover and married him after she got out of jail; Ragusa seems to just like a little bit of underaged cock from time to time.

Since I defend R. Kelly and his (alleged) sexual encounters with (allegedly) underaged girls, I'll entertain a defense of Ragusa and boy.

First of all, can we agree that these teacher-sex cases demonstrate that the idea that women are only attracted to older or equal-age men is a myth? Our sexual scripts are so narrowly defined that we are shocked--utterly shocked--that a woman of a certain age could be attracted to and--gasp!--have sex with a much younger man.

I'll admit, Ragusa sounds pretty predatory. But the charges are pretty hot, though: five counts of lewd and lascivious battery.

It's not Whiskey-dick; It's Effexor

Anorexia? Sexual Dysfunction? Anxiety? This is treatment?

From today's New York Times:

Coming of Age on Antidepressants addresses the concerns of psychiatrists (or, some psychiatrists--I've never been convinced psychiatrists have many concerns about anything) about the long term use of antidepressants beginning in childhood or early adolescence.

While the part I care about (the sex part) isn't until the end, it's a zinger:

Beyond these concerns, there are other important issues to consider in long-term use of antidepressants, especially in young people. One patient, a woman in her mid-20s, told me that she felt pressured by her boyfriend to have sex more often than she wanted. “I’ve always had a low sex drive,” she said.

For the past eight years she had been taking Zoloft, which like all the antidepressants in its class is known to lower libido and to interfere with sexual performance. She had understandably mistaken the side effect of the drug for her “normal” sexual desire and was shocked when I explained it: “And I thought it was just me!”

Drug companies and psychiatrists try to minimize the sexual side effects of antidepressants; at times, for good reason. A lower sex drive beats suicide, at least in the short term. But in the long term, the experience of low sex drive and/or reduced (or eliminated) orgasmic ability can be enough to cause relationship meltdown and, guess what? More depression.

I'm glad someone is paying attention to this. So many college students take antidepressants that the population-level effect of the sexual side effects is mind-boggling. Take heart, guys: it might not be whiskey dick after all: it's Effexor!

Q: Broken penis A: Probably not

Dear Go To Girl,
Can you break a dick by landing on it funny?
-Just Curious

Hey there C,

By "landing on it funny" do you mean, say, a stripper giving a lapdance who totters in her 6" heels and falls into a guy's lap? Or "landing on it funny" during sex? While yes, it is possible to break a penis by "landing on it funny" I think if the guy in question had in fact broken his penis he would've immediately been like, "HOLY FUCK!" From what I understand, it's just about the most painful thing the cock-havers can imagine.

So a broken penis situation looks like this:

1. Guy has hard-on
2. Girl/Guy partner proceeds to have sex from such an angle that the penis in question bends
3. Penis goes "pop!"
4. Ouch! Internal bleeding, tremendous pain, a bend in the cock that won't go away

To treat a broken penis, go to the emergency room, stat. We don't have universal health care in this country, but we've got armies of urologists who can protect the all-important penis. And you probably won't even have to pay a co-pay.

Love,
GTG

Miley Cyrus is a Virgin!!

I read the bible so you don't have to: 1 Thessalonians 4:3 (New International Version)

3 It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality

OMG! Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers are virgins!!! This obnoxious video from CNN.com tells of the "new trend" in Hollywood of stars that are approximately 15 years old "deciding" not to have sex. Which, I guess, is a good thing for all those 9 year old girls who went out and tried to emulate Jamie Lynn Spears after she got knocked up.

Particularly loathsome is the "clinical psychologist" Dr. Judy Kurianski who's just "thrilled" that these "young role models" are choosing not to have sex. They even wear purity rings! Paging Dr. Kurianski: you're only choosing to have sex if you have the opportunity to have sex and turn it down. That's why abstinence pledges don't work; most of the kids who take them haven't been presented with sex yet.

But the research, as my good pals Peter Bearman and Hannah Bruckner showed, tells us approximately 98% of those who pledge do in fact have sex before marriage. And the kicker is that they're more likely to get STIs when they do have sex because in all their fervor for "abstinence" they never pick up a book about condoms.

CNN.com oughta invite people who are, like, semi-familiar with the subject when they do interviews; Dr. Judy says, completely erroneously, the the "public declaration" of your intention not to have sex before marriage makes you "accountable" to that decision. Actually, Dr. J, the opposite is true.

For further reading:
"After the promise: The STD consequences of adolescent virginity pledges." Journal of Adolescent Health, Volume 36 , Issue 4 , Pages 271 - 278. H . Brückner , P . Bearman

Obama Hates Gays!

Well, at least the Philadelphia Gay News.

PGN invited both Clinton and Obama, as well as presumptive Republican candidate John McCain, to speak with us. Only Clinton granted an interview.

Read it. Seriously.
Thanks to RH for the tip.

From the Times...

This Sunday's touching article about a marriage counseling effort among Army officers reminds us of our own documentation of the war's effects on couples, which you can read about here, and here, .

The basic lesson, of course, is that war is bad for those who endure it. But I applaud the Army for trying to help these marriages.

Sex Toys in Paris

Not Paris Hilton, you pervs!

Dear Go-To Girl,

Do you or any of your friends know of any good sex toy stores in Paris?

World Traveller

Dear WT,

While I have been to Paris and, I think, made a point of going to what my guidebook said was the "gay" district, I can't remember seeing any sex toy stores.

But seriously, I found this store, Rebecca Rils, "la boutique des plaisirs de feminin."

Looking at their prices for toys with which I'm familiar, it looks like the exchange rate is going to really get you if you buy toys in Paris. For instance, the Freshvibe costs 55 Euros and the nearly identical version at Babeland is $62.

Given the Euro/Dollar exchange rate, that vibrator will cost you $86.54 if you buy it in Paris. Yikes. But hey; when you need a vibrator you need a vibrator.

Good luck!

Love,
GTG

The Ugly Face of the Obesity Epidemic...

Plus-size Miss England contestant (and hottie) Chloe Marshall.

...is obnoxious, skinny, dietician beauty pageant judges. This article from the British Daily Mail about this year's plus-size contestant for the Miss England title makes clear that they hate fat people in England just as much as we do here. Here are some choice comments from the writer/dietician/bitch, Monica Grenfell:

But as a dietician I am so worried about the damage her well-oiled publicity machine is doing that I think it's vital to speak out.

In my view, Chloe is a terrible role model.

I hope she doesn't win the Miss England title.

It would send an appalling - and very dangerous - message to other young women that it's OK to be fat.

I'm no fat activist, but damn. This is totally inappropriate. And girl is hot! I hope she does win.

Condom Song - Telugu

This is hilarious. I should invite these guys to my next Safer Sex Methods Costume Party.

Thanks, Scientists: 10-10-50 is Real!

Thanks, L, for this tip:

Sex Takes 3 to 13 Minutes, Study Says, from CNN.com.

I know, I know, my poll conclusively proved that I'm only right about the 10-10-50 Rule, like, 75% of the time. Fine. But I maintain that a lot of guys, particularly the young'uns that I see, need to be released from the "Harder, Longer, More, and, Most Importantly, Longer" sex paradigm that they can't possibly live up to.

Don't believe me? Glance at the "Sex and Relationships" page of Men'sHealth.com.

The first four articles on the page are:

"Maximize Your Sexual Stamina"

"10 Painless Ways to Last Longer in Bed"

"Tease and Please All of Her Erogenous Zones to Give Her an Amazing Orgasm"

and, lastly:

"Make it Hotter, Longer, and Better"

So the study from CNN.com may not convince you, but really: just look at the clock. Entry to exit, sex just doesn't take that long. So relax.

Point: There is no condom for the heart; Counterpoint: There is no heartbreak for the vagina

Point:

"There is No Condom For the Heart!!!" by Janie Fredell, co-President, True Love Revolution, Harvard University (oooh, I go to Harvard)

Look, people. I know you think you like going out on Saturday night, getting wasted, and hooking up with that guy from Chi Phi or the Krokodiles.
Maybe you even use a trusty Trojan handed out to you by Student Health Services or the Safer Sex Club. Way to go. As you know, condoms protect against pregnancy and disease. (Most of the time)

But what you might not know, dear, sweet, ladyreader, is that there is no condom for the heart.

The science on this has been suppressed by the liberal academic elite at places like Harvard, but it is a well known fact that

"Sexual activity in both men and women involves the release of powerful bonding hormones that are designed to help married couples stay together permanently and trust each other.13 Within marriage, these bonds are a cause of joy and marital harmony; but for non-married couples, such bonds can cause serious problems. When these relationships come to an end, the partners often feel a palpable sense of loss, betrayed trust, and unwelcome memories. This is information that you will rarely hear from sexual health groups that promote safe sex, because "there is no condom for the heart."14"

So you should stop having sex. It's gross anyway. Abstinence is fun!


Counterpoint:

"There is no Heartbreak for the Vagina," by Go-To Girl, sex blogger, R. Kelly expert, condom pusher

It is a well known fact that there is no condom for the heart. When I got the news about this "breakthrough" of the Medical Institute for Sexual Health, right here in Austin, I made a phone call to my favorite cardiologist/love doctor to ask him about it. Here's a selection from our long, intense, heated interview session.

Me: "Dr. Feelgood, is it true? There's no condom for the heart?"

Dr. Feelgood: "Hey baby. Don't you worry 'bout your heart. You're so pretty. There is no condom for the heart but, girl, there's no way you'll feel heartbreak in your vagina. I'll be so gentle. Semen can't even travel to your heart. The female reproductive system only has one exit."

Me: "So you're saying that there's no direct line from the uterus to the part of the heart that feels feelings?"

Dr. Feelgood: "Kitten, let's not talk. C'mere. And oxytocin affects the brain, anyway."

I'm convinced.

Q: I think we're going to have sex for the first time. What do I bring?

Dear Go-To Girl,

I've been dating this great guy that I met on the internets and we've had a bunch of really great dates. Tomorrow night he's invited me over to his house to make me dinner and I think we're going to do it.

I definitely have to use lube and I always use condoms, so what do I bring? How many condoms will I need? Can I bring my half-empty bottle of lube (which makes it obvious that I've used the other half to have sex with someone else) or buy a new one? I have two of those little single use lubes but I'm not sure if that'll be enough.

What's the etiquette here?

Love,

Gonna Get Laid

Dear GGL,

Congratulations. Your Friday night sounds infinitely more interesting than mine. People always feel awkward about bringing condoms--here's a little rundown of what each number of condoms brought means:

One: Just in case. And if it breaks, oh well. We can play cards.

Two: You think he can do it more than once, but only twice? That's kind of a lowball, dontcha think?

Three: Yeah, girl, bring it.

Six, of all different types: Yes, I've had sex before. And with a variety you can't give a bullshit excuse about condoms "not fitting."

A whole box: What? Oh, these? I just stopped by the drugstore on the way over here. I wanted to be safe. [The subtext, of course, is that now you have 12 condoms. That's a Friday night!]

As for the lube, those single use packages are great in theory but create the classic problem with lube: you have to use two fucking hands to open the goddamn thing. And you can't close it up again and it's basically going to just get lube all over your sheets, it won't be enough, and the whole situation makes me want to cry. Once you get the lube on your hands you want to fuck. The end.

Go to the drugstore and buy a little travel-size bottle of some product (or an empty one, if they have them) that has a squeeze top--like the kind that's on a bottle of dish detergent and fill it up from your big bottle. You can open it with your teeth, you only need one hand to squeeze it where you want it, it's small, refillable, and you can close it by hitting it against your side and throw it on the floor. Voila.

So, in conclusion:

1 box condoms + 1 small, refillable bottle of lube = totally hot sex

Love,
GTG

Department of "HOLY SHIT!"

Seriously. Look at this cartoon. And then when you find yourself scratching your head about it, look at this document. (first page of PDF is blank)

If you are wondering, "Holyshit!" you're not alone. So the right to lifers discovered Margaret Sanger's skeleton-closet. So what.

Clearly some gal at UCLA read about Margaret Sanger for the First Time Ever in some women's studies class she was taking to be Prepared To Face the Feminist Enemy and thought, "OMG, this is TOTALLY going to overturn Roe v. Wade!!!"

Sadly for the pro-lifers (including, apparently, cartoonist Glenn McCoy) Sanger's history is widely known by people who read books and pay attention. The legacy is complicated, yeah, but if eliminating non-white people was her goal she and Planned Parenthood have managed to fail pretty spectacularly.

And let's be clear: being pro-life is not--and never has been--about saving babies. It's about controlling women and women's sexuality.

This is Real: Tranny Dads

I would be remiss if I didn't mention this article in the Advocate about a transmale (i.e., female-to-male trans person) dude who is pregnant. This is pretty amazing stuff; I'm surprised that years of testosterone didn't hamper his ability to get pregnant via home insemination (which is the least effective method of artificial insemination). The body is a powerful thing. I wonder if he'll be forced to go in to hiding for the last few months when his baby bump is, like, huge.

R. Kelly update (feat. T-Pain)

Surely you all remember T-Pain from his cameo in R. Kelly's summer mega-hit "I'm a Flirt," on which T-Pain reminded us that he

"Fell in love with a stripper, y'all"

and that

"When I pull up to the club all the girls be like, 'Damn, 28's?'"

and

"All I do is flirt with her [the stripper, I presume] and I get dem drawers"

further complimenting the ladies with

"I'm feeling your body and I'm hoping you feel the same"

and, modestly,

"When I pass by I know exactly what you say: 'He's so fine, he's so cool'"

and then he reassures the guys whose girls he's flirting with,

"He mad cos I'm lookin' but I already fucked her"

I love T-Pain but, I can't lie, I looooove T.I. What? He's hot.

This Just In: "Men's New Sexual Needs"

For all of you ladies and gents out there with boyfriends who've been wondering, "Gosh, I think I'm keeping my man satisfied, but what if my BF had new sexual needs?" This month's Glamour has the answer.

"Men's New Sexual Needs" include:

To please you, like, really please you.

Translation: Make you come. Every time. The pressure's on, people! But as Sally said, "Its just that all men are sure it never happened to them and all women at one
time or other have faked it so you do the math." Sorry guys.

"The benefit of your experience."

But keep quiet about it, especially if you're a girl. We want to experience your...experiencedness, but please don't tell us how many people you've fucked. Yikes.

"To try anything at least once."

We mean anal.

"Some nights, plain old vanilla."

Particularly if we've been taken to task by a kinky girl and are feeling sensitive about our abilities. And "Porn makes me...want non-porn parts of a relationship, like cuddling and holding hands."

Excuse me while I go to the vomitorium.

More at glamour.com.

What's Going on With R. Kelly?

After several weeks with no news from Kels and more than one reader asking me, "Seriously, Go-To Girl, what's going on with R. Kelly?" I went out digging in the internets to find out what's going on with my pal Robert.

The good news is that the trial date has been set for May 9, according to the Chi-Town Sun Times.

The bad news is that just last week two new witnesses were added to the prosecution's witness list. All of the trial records are sealed, but I have my suspicions about who those witnesses might be:

Regina and George Daniels, Kelly's (former) friends and PR managers whose young (but, notably, not underage) daughter was involved with Kelly last year.

If I were to venture a guess, I'd say that Regina and George will testify that Kelly "crossed the line" with their daughter and as such can be assumed to have also crossed the line with the mystery girl on the sex tape. Whatevs.

That's the update from Kellyland.

The Circle of Life: Girls Gone Wild to Escort to Girls Gone Wild

What goes around truly comes around. This story from CNN reports that Ashley Alexandra Dupre, a.k.a. Kristen, ex-Governor Spitzer's lady friend, was offered $1 million from Girls Gone Wild to make a video for the profit-monster.
Alas, Dupre had already put in her time with GGW several years ago, and GGW has retracted its offer and already made available psy-per-view material of Dupre on its website.
If this isn't evidence of the effects of the "pornification" of our society, I don't know what is. So to all you girls out there on spring break being solicited by the GGW folks, take this home:

Don't pose for GGW (cos they won't pay you)
On the off chance you become a high-priced hooker
And the scandal breaks
You may be offered a cool mil to do some "tasteful" topless shots
But then they won't have to pay you for titty shots
Cos they'll have archival footage

The Lesson Here: Internet porn never goes away!

(thanks, Sara)

Support Our Troops: 5 Years War Edition

Today is the 5th anniversary of the war in Iraq. Life still sucks for the soldiers.





Thanks to Quaker House for the photos.

Q: Am I lady-jaculating? A: Yes. Or peeing.

Dear Go-To Girl,

I have an embarrassing question, embarrassing because it reveals that I do not fully understand my own body and how it works. But here goes: I have two different kinds of orgasms, one resulting from clitoral stimulation and one from internal stimulation. This situation is awesome. However, once, four years ago, while working on the latter kind with a vibrator, when I climaxed there was a lot of liquid that sort of squirted out. I assumed that I had urinated because that's kind of what it felt like. Anyway, I didn't think about for a long time until I got a new vibrator and it happened again the other day. I told my boyfriend about it, and he insists that it can't be urine, because you can't urinate when you're aroused. I know that's true for men, but I'm not so sure for women. He also argues that I'd be able to recognize urine immediately by the smell, but I'm pretty well-hydrated and don't think my urine smells very distinctive. He thinks it's some kind of female ejaculation, but it seems like way too much liquid for that. Not to mention, I've been in living in this body for a while, and it feels like I'm urinating. He claims this is impossible.

Anyway, what's going on here? Am I peeing myself when I come? Does this happen to other women? On a scale of 1 to 10, how completely embarrassing is this?

Help!
Liquid Assets

Hey LA,

The good news is that you and your boyfriend are both wrong. Women can definitely pee when they're aroused; only men have that whole "one tube" problem. So, in theory, it's totally possible for a gal to pee during orgasm.

What's more likely happening is that you have, on these two occasions, had what's called "female ejaculation." I prefer the term "squirt" since ejaculation, obviously, is a male process. Nobody's quite sure why it happens, but some women, when cumming, squirt out a lot of liquid that they insist is not urine.

Scientific priorities being what they are, I don't think anybody knows for sure that this liquid isn't urine and I don't know of any convincing research that has suggested what mysterious, non-urine substance is coming out of the urethras of these lucky ladies.

In terms of how much you're squirting, I invite you to Google "female ejaculation" for comparison. You'll get approximately 10,000,000 results.

I don't think it's embarrassing at all; I mean, it's never happened to me and I'm kind of a stickler for clean sheets but as long as you have enough quarters for laundry, it's no big deal. I think it's also one of those things that guys get all puffed up about, so let your boyfriend feel like he's R. Kelly for a minute. No harm done.

Love,
GTG

PS--Please write and tell us what vibrator you got!

What I'm Reading

Seriously, people, this blog is good. Read it.

This post, particularly.

A Fresh Perspective on the Mann Act

From TheRoot.com:

"From Jack Johnson to Eliot Spitzer"

Though primarily intended to fight prostitution, the Act substantially expanded the scope of the Federal Bureau of Investigation and soon became the starting point for a wide-range of cases, including many against consenting but unmarried couples. The first person prosecuted under the law was legendary boxer Jack Johnson.

Interesting stuff.

National Sex Threat Level ORANGE: Sexual activity causes STIs!

This is HPV. Are you terrified yet??

File this one under "OMFG, for real?!"
From CNN.com:

Study: 1 in 4 Teen Girls Has An STD

A choice tidbit:

The study by CDC researcher Dr. Sara Forhan is an analysis of nationally representative data on 838 girls who participated in a 2003-04 government health survey. Teens were tested for four infections: human papillomavirus, or HPV, which can cause cervical cancer and affected 18 percent of girls studied; chlamydia, which affected 4 percent; trichomoniasis, 2.5 percent; and herpes simplex virus, 2 percent.

One more time:

...nationally representative data on 838 girls...

As always, nationally representative data is nationally representative and we have to accept this research for good and bad; but come on, people--what this study actually means is that 25% of 838 girls (for the math-ally challenged, that's 209.5 girls) had an STD. They don't call them "sexually transmitted infections" for nothing. Obviously abstinence isn't hot right now.

I think it's time we stopped freaking out about STIs. With the exception of HIV, they are not deadly and most amount to a treatable, often curable infection that cause symptoms little worse than strep throat or the chicken pox save for the irrefutable evidence they provide that *Gasp!* young people are having sex.

Thanks to L, D, and everyone else who thoughtfully sent this my way.

Breaking news: NY Governor Spitzer Involved in Prostitution Ring!

Holy $hit! All I can say. Stay tuned for the press conference and, presumably, the resignation announcement this afternoon. Yikes.
From the New York Times:
Spitzer Is Linked to Prostitution Ring

Ridiculous anti-gay nonsense out of Oklahoma

Oklahoma State Representative Sally Kern

This sort of thing isn't what I normally cover here on GTG, but I found this on Pandagon and couldn't resist reposting it.

"Oklahoma Insane Anti-Gay Tirade By State Representative"

Some tidbits:

Studies show, no society that has totally embraced homosexuality has lasted for more than, you know, a few decades. . .

I honestly think it’s the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism or Islam.

They want to get them into the government schools so they can indoctrinate them.

…They are going after our young children, as young as two years of age, to try to teach them that the homosexual lifestyle is an acceptable lifestyle.

You know, gays are infiltrating city councils…did you know that the city council of Eureka Springs is now controlled by gays — they are winning elections.

One of my colleagues said We don’t have a gay problem in our community…well you know what, that is so dumb. If you have cancer in your little toe, do you just say that I’m going to forget about it since the rest of you is fine? It spreads! This stuff is deadly and it is spreading. It will destroy our young people and it will destroy this nation.

Why not send her an email?
Oklahoma State Rep. Sally Kern (sallykern@okhouse.gov)

It's official: Erectile Dysfunction is a Sign of Heart Trouble

"First Come Erectile Ills, Then Heart Troubles," from today's New York Times.
I know that this article skews a little old for my regular readers, but hey--when the Times publishes and article about sex, I pay attention.

And with a gold-mine quote like this, how could I resist?

“The penis is the dipstick of the body’s health,” said Dr. Harry Fisch, director of the Male Reproductive Center at Columbia University Medical Center of New York Presbyterian Hospital.

I hope Dr. Fisch knows how clever he is. It's not every day someone makes such a meta-hilarious comment about the penis and its literal--and figurative--role in the body's health.

Comeback of the year: Kels supports Hillz!

Hillz puts the reporterbitches in their place.

Following last night's election R. Kelly reportedly made a congratulatory call to his close pal Hills, and gifted her with this set of lyrics to his hit comeback song, "Rollin." You might remember his lyrics about the Larry Craig scandal, also posted here exclusively.

Hillz! I'm back Niggas [Cablenews reporters]
What?
Ya’ll thought I was gone? [didn't have enough delegates?]
Nope!!

When I was down you bitches didn’t want to be my friends (rollin) [Who gives a fuck about those tiny bitch democratic primaries?]
And now I’m rollin all you bitches wanna hop in [Texas and Ohio and Rhode MotherFuckin' Island, bitches!]
Rollin
I’m going toot toot, beep beep [ghostridin' on highway 35 in Austin]
Pulling up on them wheels now [on my Secret Service limo]
All black on body got it shining much like a seal now [seriously]
And a shoty much like a seal now [the presidential seal]
Got them cars in my garage [limos, people]
No less than a mil now [35 mil raised in the last month, to be precise]
Hillz about to take the bar [number of delegates won]
And I’mma set it real high [like, so high I can't be beat]
Double take, double take [like how I doubled up on Ohio and Texas, bitches]
When I roll up to the club
Players hate, players hate [CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, why y'all hatin?]
Players hate, players hate [Chris Matthews, what do you know about pimpin'?]
When I walk up in the club [White House]
I got them shades on doing about 75 [reading glasses]
Just call me speed racer cause I’m rollin in at mach 5 [more like 35 in my black armored 'Scalade]
Ya’ll niggas ain't fucking with me [seriously, you're not]
And I put a mil on it [35 mil raised in the last month, to be exact]
Niggas and bitches they lie [fuck the newsmedia]
But home boy them stats don’t [superdelegates, Florida, Michigan]
R & B Boss/Hussling like Rick Ross/Man my flow is so raw/
So niggas don’t piss me off [reporters, I will continue to put yo asses in the men's room]
I’m a player homie and that’s a well known factor [hello? Latino voter strategy?]
Plus the wheels on that coup got it looking like a tractor [I am from Arkansas, after all]

Hello from Sexas!

Hi readers-
Sorry to have been so out of touch. I've moved to Austin, Texas (start packing your bags...it's awesome) so I've been hella busy. Here's a little tidbit to get you started (thanks, Sara).

Sexual Incompatibility Troubles Marriages

And while you're clicking links, take a look at Austin's friendly hometown sex toy store, Forbidden Fruit. You might recognize them from the Dildo Diaries documentary.

More to come!
Love,
GTG

Don't Give Up Hope, Abstinence!

Bush: Keep Abstinence In AIDS Plan

Publicity-hungry Man Bitter at Kels: The Interview

I don't have time to comment on this right now, but listen to this interview about R. Kelly having a (totally legal) relationship with his friend's daughter (who was totally of age).
http://www2.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif
George Daniels Interview

This is the guy who Kels' mentions in "Step of the Name of Love":

"Regina and George Daniels, I love you..."

Q: More orgasms during sex? A: Have more by yourself.

Dear Go-To Girl,

Some of the girls at here at our sweet Quaker college got into a long conversation about sex and habits, relationships, etc. I brought up your website, which got us talking a bit more. Your 10-10-50 rule got mixed reviews, but we went through to find more explanations and was then agreed upon. But what came up was the fact that 4 our of the 5 girls participating in the conversation had never had an orgasm during intercourse. Many expressed distress for not being able to "have as much fun" as their partner.

So the question for you becomes, how do we work on having an orgasm during intercourse? Are there things we can do?

Love,
Ashley

Dear Ashley,

That font of knowledge on all things college-sex-related, Cosmopolitan, has an article on this very subject in the very March issue. I haven't read it yet, so I can't tell you what it says, but I'm sure you'll recognize it by the headline, "127 Things You Do To Make Sex With Your Man More O-Tastic!!!"

But seriously. I did read the article, and here's what it said:

Tease Yourself Before He Gets There (get a little bullet vibrator)

Use Hot-Spot-Hitting Positions (they say woman on top is best; try putting your legs up over their shoulders)

Double Your Pleasure (make them touch you somewhere relevant during sex)

Turbocharge Your Touches (use lube, a vibrator, handcuffs, etc.)

The article also mentions a few things that can stand in the way of good orgasms and I want to highlight them:

Birth control pills (seriously, ladies, BCPs can have serious effects on desire and orgasm)

Antidepressants (ditto)

Alcohol (might make you want to fuck more, but it does a number on blood flow and makes you less sensitive)

My best advice to having more orgasms during sex more often is to have as many as you can when you're alone. It's not like the guys aren't constantly practicing.

Love,
Go-To Girl

Yup, the War's Still On...

Thanks to Quaker House for this new batch of pictures from the Camp Lejeune Marine base in North Carolina. For those of you who missed the first set, these banners are hung up by wives of soldiers returning to Camp Lejeune from Iraq. They not only remind me that there is a war happening that has real effects on the lives of real men and women, but that sex culture in the military is a truly fascinating animal.

These banners get hung up--with the soldiers' names and, often, their rank on them--so that the planes coming in on the runway can see them. I absolutely love that this baldfaced expression of lust is totally acceptable in the Marines. I guess they understand that when your Snugglypoo has been in Iraq for a third tour, you're entitled to tell the whole world how much you want to fuck him.

The war is still on.